Chapter 84: Testing Day

The vending machine sat in the corner of the underground workshop humming quietly to itself.

It looked completely harmless.

That was a lie.

Everything Gene made eventually became dangerous.

Usually accidentally.

Sometimes intentionally.

This machine somehow managed to construct both.

The enormous metal cabinet had produced dozens of bizarre weapons since its creation.

 Some were useful. 

Some were ridiculous.

 All were terrifying.

Today Jesse Belle had volunteered to test them.

Gene wasn’t entirely sure if “volunteered” was the correct word.

The moment the machine produced a new batch of weapons Jesse Belle had appeared beside it like a shark smelling blood in the water.

She now stood inside the testing range beneath the hotel.

The Caretaker stood nearby with his arms folded.

Gene, Selene, Lilith, the mad scientist couple, and several summons watched from behind reinforced glass.

Mostly because nobody trusted Jesse Belle to be safe.

Especially Jesse Belle.

Athena’s voice echoed through the room.

“Testing session number twenty-three begin”

Jesse Belle cracked her knuckles.

The weapon machine dinged.

A bottom drawer slid open.

Inside sat the first weapon.

Jesse Belle picked it up.

It looked like a bright yellow banana.

Everyone stared cautiously.

Athena scanned it.

⸻

ITEM IDENTIFIED

NAME: MONKEY BUSINESS

Classification: Throwing Weapon

Effect: Transforms into an enraged gorilla upon impact.

Duration: Five minutes.

Warning:

Do not throw things indoors.

⸻

Gene immediately laughed.

“No way it summons a gorilla.”

Athena replied.

“Yes.”

Jesse Belle shrugged.

Then threw the banana.

The banana gracefully flew in a splendid arc to strike at a dummy.

One dummy exploded as a twelve-foot gorilla appeared.

The gorilla immediately punched another dummy through a concrete wall.

Then it ripped another dummy in half.

Then another.

Then it began beating a pile of scrap metal into submission.

Everyone watched.

The gorilla seemed deeply offended by everything around it.

Lilith pressed against the glass.

“I like him.”

The gorilla picked up a steel beam.

Gene shook his head.

“Of course you do.”

Five minutes later the gorilla vanished.

The testing room looked like a tornado had visited.

Jesse Belle nodded approvingly.

Good start.

The machine dinged again.

Another drawer opened.

This time a revolver sat inside.

The weapon appeared normal.

Athena disagreed.

⸻

ITEM IDENTIFIED

NAME: THE DRAMATIC CONCLUSION

Effect:

Every shot creates an explosion proportional to how cool the shooter looks.

Current User:

Jesse Belle

Estimated Explosion Increase:

Very High

⸻

Gene immediately looked worried.

Selene looked worried.

The scientists looked excited.

Jesse Belle pointed the gun toward another target.

Then dramatically flipped her hair and winked at the Caretaker.

The gun fired.

The intended target vanished.

The wall vanished.

Half the testing room vanished.

A fireball rolled through the chamber.

The shockwave rattled the observation windows.

Everyone stared.

Athena calmly updated the report.

“Explosion size exceeded expectations.”

“Why does looking cool make it stronger?”

Athena answered instantly.

“Unknown. The category of ‘cool’ doesn’t exist in my database.”

That somehow made it worse.

Jesse Belle grinned.

The Caretaker silently gave a thumbs up.

The next weapon appeared.

This one looked like an umbrella.

A black umbrella.

Simple.

Elegant.

Athena scanned it.

⸻

ITEM IDENTIFIED

NAME: THE STORM BRELLA

Effect:

Controls weather within one hundred feet.

Warning:

Avoid hurricane conditions indoors.

⸻

Jesse Belle opened it.

Immediately thunder exploded overhead.

Rain began falling inside the testing room.

Wind roared.

Lightning struck a target dummy.

Then another.

Then another.

One dummy somehow caught fire despite being soaked in water.

Gene pointed.

“How?”

Athena answered.

“Lightning creates fire.”

“This is not how rain works.”

Athena ignored him.

Jesse Belle spun the umbrella.

A miniature tornado appeared.

The tornado stole several target dummies.

One steel table.

And a toolbox.

The toolbox achieved flight.

The umbrella was confiscated immediately.

The next weapon was stranger.

A shovel.

A rusty shovel.

Athena scanned it.

⸻

ITEM IDENTIFIED

NAME: THE GRAVE DIGGER

Effect:

Anything buried with this shovel temporarily returns as a friendly undead servant.

⸻

Everyone turned toward Gene.

Gene slowly backed away.

“No.”

Lilith pointed.

“Yes.”

Gene pointed harder.

“No.”

The scientists were already digging.

Ten minutes later several skeletons were helping clean the testing room.

The couple regretted nothing.

The machine dinged again.

A new item appeared.

This one looked harmless.

A tea cup.

Athena scanned it.

Then paused.

Then scanned it again.

⸻

ITEM IDENTIFIED

NAME: POLITELY AGGRESSIVE TEACUP

Effect:

Tea poured from this cup gains random magical effects.

Possible Effects:

• Healing

• Fire Breath

• Levitation

• Temporary Dragon Transformation

• Existential Dread

⸻

Nobody liked the last option.

Jesse Belle poured tea.

Then drank it.

Nothing happened.

She shrugged.

Then suddenly floated into the air.

“Oh my.”

The group laughed as Jesse drifted upward.

She lightly bounced off the ceiling.

And slowly descended.

Lilith laughed so hard she nearly fell over.

“Can I have it for my tea parties?”

The next weapon appeared.

Everyone immediately became nervous.

Because it was clearly alive.

A sword slithered out of the machine.

The blade had teeth.

The teeth had smaller teeth.

Athena scanned it.

⸻

ITEM IDENTIFIED

Name: HUNGRY SWORD

Warning:

Very hungry.

⸻

The sword immediately bit Jesse Belle.

She bit it back.

The sword seemed shocked.

The room fell silent.

The sword slowly stopped struggling.

Gene decided not to ask questions.

The sword was promptly placed into storage.

Several hours passed.

Weapon after weapon appeared.

“Alright let me see…. A boomerang that insults enemies, A group of hammers  that sang opera, a spear that exploded into angry ducks. Ah! There’s a helmet that predicted embarrassing future events, A pair of boots that could run on walls.”

Gene made a note to remember to take the boots for more testing.

“…One pair of gloves that can change into venomous snakes.”

Selene smiled, “Actually the snakes were surprisingly polite.”

Then came the final weapon of the day.

The machine dinged.

A hidden compartment opened.

Everyone immediately noticed.

The machine had only done that once before.

Athena became quiet.

Even the machine’s humming changed.

Gene stepped closer.

Inside rested a small black cube.

Perfectly smooth.

Perfectly dark.

Athena scanned it.

Then paused.

Then scanned again.

—-

The AI seemed to buffer.

Finally text appeared.

ITEM IDENTIFIED

UNKNOWN

Classification:

UNKNOWN

Origin:

UNKNOWN

Danger Level:

UNKNOWN

Recommendation:

Do not touch.

⸻

Everyone immediately looked at Jesse Belle.

Jesse Belle looked at the cube.

The cube looked back.

At least it felt like it did.

Gene stepped forward.

“No. Let Athena handle it this time.”

Jesse Belle sighed.

The scientists sighed.

Lilith sighed.

Nobody got to touch the mystery cube.

Athena locked it inside a containment chamber.

Several reinforced doors slammed shut.

Then another.

Then one more just in case.

Just to be safe.

The testing session finally ended.

Jesse Belle stretched.

The Caretaker approached.

She smiled.

He carefully handed her a flower he had apparently been carrying the entire time.

Jesse Belle’s grin instantly softened.

She kissed his cheek.

The Caretaker immediately turned red.

Lilith pointed.

“He does that every time.”

Gene nodded.

“Every single time.”

The Caretaker tried hiding his face behind his mask.

It didn’t work.

Jesse Belle laughed.

The group began leaving.

Behind them the weapon machine hummed quietly.

Then another compartment opened by itself.

Nobody noticed.

Inside sat a single card.

Words slowly appeared across its surface.

HIDDEN FUNCTION REPAIR PROGRESS: 13%

The card vanished moments later.

The machine returned to normal.

Waiting.

Creating.

And planning whatever strange surprises it intended to produce next.