The Weight of Forgiveness

(Akane's PoV)

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Of course, my body wouldn't obey me.

It was strange. Probably one of the strangest things I had ever felt in my life. 

My mind had already decided, and it knew what I had to do. Especially after building a wall so high for four years, making sure nobody could climb over it.

But my body, during those endless instants, refused to listen.

My legs were shaking. My arms were tight, and every muscle in my body was ready to move on its own. The six-year-old girl who still lived somewhere inside me wanted to come out. She wanted to run to her mother, to hold her, and pretend that nothing had ever happened. Of course she wanted.

She's been starved for family affection for so long, and the desire for a glimpse of love from her mother was strong. 

"My precious baby..." She cried. Her voice went straight through my chest, passing through all my defenses like nothing. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Akane... forgive me... I beg you... Let me hold you one last time... p-please..." She sobbed while looking at me.

Sakura didn't do anything to help her. Not even a single word of comfort or helping her stand up. She just kept watching the pathetic family reunion in complete silence, because she knew that every word would've been wrong.

"Akane..." My mother called me again, her voice broken.

I was still trembling, unable to speak.

Her cry was still the same as that time. Exactly the same. The sound I used to hear through the walls at night, right when he left the house after abusing her. I remember it. And I remember the sensation of my bare feet on that freezing floor while running towards her.

'Don't cry, mommy... please. I'm here. I'll protect you forever.' I always repeated this same phrase to her, and she would always hold me, sobbing and crying into my neck, while holding my tiny body with all her might, scared that I'd disappear.

'Mommy will love you forever, Akane... I'll swear on my own life. You're my greatest treasure.'

And always, after those words, she slept with me. 

I had already seen her. Her face, her expression, everything. It was the same as before.

That was the problem. I had already turned around once, when she collapsed on the floor and started crying like a child.

I couldn't look at her anymore, so I moved my gaze to the door instead.

That was the choice of my mind: looking away while every cell in my body screamed to go to her.

I knew that I simply couldn't. Running towards her would've meant destroying everything I had built until now.

My fingers closed around the handle, hard enough that my knuckles went white, and hard enough that the cuts in my left palm opened again. I even felt something warm slide toward my wrist, and the pain arrived from very far away, like a phone ringing in another house.

My teeth were clenched, and my breathing came fast and shallow, like I was running.

'Don't look back, Akane. Don't. Don't. Don't.' I kept repeating to myself.

The grip on the handle tightened even more.

"Akane... please... just a hug." She sobbed again, and this time, her voice sounded more desperate than before.

After her words, my body tipped forward without even realizing it.

It moved by one millimeter, ready to destroy everything I had built.

In that moment, the child inside me was winning. She was already running to her.

The six-year-old Akane Yamada wanted to be held. She wanted her mother to tell her that everything was fine... but, most importantly, she wanted to forget everything, even for just an instant.

But, suddenly, I snapped back to reality. My mind had spoken.

'If you run to her, if you hold her... then everything you are right now is a lie.'

My body then stopped.

'The pain she had caused you, everything she had done... it won't go away because she's crying. Every scar she left on you is gonna stay exactly where it is, Akane. Don't let all these years of building who you are get destroyed by a simple cry. Where was she while you were hurt?' 

The grip on the handle tightened again.

'You always loved her, Akane. That's true. And the little girl who used to love and comfort her is still in there. She's alive, but she's in a cage you've built.'

I sobbed, and a tear fell.

'The little girl can't come out. Not now. Not for this. Don't be fooled. The only one who loves you is Shin, Akane.'

After that... I took a deep breath.

I then opened my mouth, and my voice finally came out. 

It was broken, trembling, but it still came out, in the end.

"You're not going to die, mother." 

I said.

Those words arrived like thunder.

After that, my mother's cry stopped for an instant behind me.

And yet, I didn't turn around. I couldn't, because if I had turned around and looked at her face, I knew that I would have collapsed right there on the floor and never gotten back up. I could feel it deep into my bones.

"We'll pick up this conversation again when that man is locked up in prison for the rest of his disgusting days," I said, my voice flat but broken at the same time.

There was a long silence after that, and I could just imagine my mother staring at me in disbelief with wide eyes.

"Not now. Not here. And surely not like this, in the house of someone who has nothing to do with us." I said.

I meant every word of what I had just said, and I understood what I had just done.

There was only one way to put that monster behind bars, and that required two testimonies of his abuse, not just one.

I had just told my mother that I would've helped her, and I'm sure she completely understood.

I didn't turn around, not even after saying something like this. My back was still turned, and my bleeding hand was still on the handle.

My mother's cry had stopped for an instant, but I could still hear her sniffles.

It was... heartbreaking, in some ways. 

Then, I turned the handle, and the door opened.

"Akane..." My mother whispered, sobbing.

Meanwhile, Kurone's mother still said nothing. She had arranged everything with her own hands and then did nothing, standing like a piece of furniture, and even now, with a woman sobbing on her floor and a young girl in her doorway bleeding from her palm, she didn't spend a single word. Nothing. Zero.

I almost pity Kurone for having a mother like that.

That silence weighed more than anything either of them could have said to me.

"I always loved you back then, Mother. With all my heart," I said, my voice returning flat.

Those words came out on their own, without my permission. But they were true, and they had probably always been true. That's why they hurt so much.

"But I can't. Not yet, at least." I said.

Then I stepped out, right into the cold of the winter.

I kept my eyes straight ahead.

The wind hit my face. It was freezing and real, and it was the first honest thing I had felt since I stepped inside Kurone's house.

I then closed the door behind me, and I didn't look back. Not even once.

After that, my legs started to move on their own. 

I didn't know where I was going, and I didn't care, to be honest. I just had to get away. Far away. As far as possible from that house and everyone inside it.

My feet didn't even feel the pavement. The world around me was blurred, like I was looking at everything through fogged glass.

Streetlights, hedges, people, all of it sliding past without meaning anything.

The only thing I could see was her face. My mother's face, crying. The face of the little girl who wanted to run to her, and the face of the woman I had become: someone who learned to live alone.

I kept walking fast, not caring about the destination, until something came to mind.

'I need to see him.'

The thought arrived like a rope thrown into a storm.

'I need to see Shin. I need to feel him. I need him to tell me that everything is okay. That I made the right choice. That I'm not a monster for leaving her on that floor while knowing that it could've been the last time.' That was the only thing I could think of.

My hands started shaking so hard that I nearly dropped the phone as I took it out of my pocket.

The screen was blurred, my fingers were freezing, and there was blood on my left palm. Writing a message was hard.

'I NEED TO SEE YOU, SHIN. PLEASE.' I typed. 

And then, I ran.

My legs moved faster, the cold air burning my lungs. The world blurred past me, and I didn't care. I didn't care about anything except reaching him.

But at some point, I stopped. I don't know why. Maybe my lungs gave out. Maybe my legs gave out. Or maybe I just needed a second to breathe.

I leaned against a wall, my chest heaving, my hands on my knees. The blood from my palm had left a small smear on the concrete. I stared at it, and for a moment, I thought about my mother. About the blood I had left on the floor of her life.

And then I thought about Shin. About his face when he saw me. About his arms around me. About the way he said my name like it was something precious.

I pushed off the wall. And I kept running.

Without realizing it, tears were running down my face, but I couldn't care less, because there was only one place on this entire planet where I was allowed to be exactly as broken as I was, and this place was him.

Ten minutes of running, ten minutes of waiting, until the phone buzzed in my hand.

It was a message from him.

'My beloved Shin♥♥♥: Akane? Where are you? What's happening?'

I felt a wave of relief after looking at the message.

'I need you... I need only you...' I kept repeating to myself as I approached the school gates...

Author's note: This chapter was VERY hard to write. Too hard, emotionally. Hope you liked it. (Support me with a comment, pretty pleaaaseeeee...!) 

p.s. Love you, Hiro.