Chapter 73: THE BOSS FIGHT

"STAY BACK, COMRADES! I SHALL PROTECT YOU ALL!" He exclaimed.

"EVERYONE BEHIND THE BLONDIE FART-BOY!" Kaz shouted.

And in that moment, the very first battle of this dungeon was about to start.

Everyone except the protagonists stood behind the Cu—Chosen One and, despite the panic, they tried their best to hold their laughs.

Kaz, the boy in the green tracksuit, scowled and immediately began kicking the unconscious edgelord Jin in the ribs.

"Wake up, you idiot!" Kaz yelled, delivering a swift kick to Jin's shin. "You're supposed to be a Level 80 solo player! Stop taking naps! I am not fighting whatever comes out of there by myself! Wake up! You're supposed to be a cheater!"

"EVERYONE GET TO YOUR POSITION!" Nick shouted, raising his sword in the air, followed by a big farting sound.

"EVERYONE GET A DIGESTIVE!" Kaz added, making Nick's eye twitch in annoyance.

The sound of those steps grew louder, and everyone was expecting the worst OP boss ever.

[HIGHER REALMS LIVE CHAT]

XxShadowSlayerxX: OHHHHHH! GO ON FART BOY!

MicroShock: Blondie Fart-Boy sounds like a superhero spoof. And now the Adventures of BLONDIE FART-BOY!!!

NTR_Lover69: WE'RE GONNA SEE THE GREATEST NTR SCENE OF THE WHOLE EXISTENCE NOW!

But the figure emerging from the darkness was not a small skeleton in blue coveralls holding a mop.

The movements were similar—agile, confident, carrying an aura of absolute, untouchable supremacy, but the silhouette was entirely different.

A woman stepped out of the shadows and into the harsh fluorescent light of the waiting room.

She was breathtaking, yet terrifying. She had wild, untamed golden hair tied into a high, messy ponytail that seemed to defy gravity, sparking with faint traces of static electricity. Her eyes were a piercing, vibrant amber that glowed in the dim light, carrying the ancient, predatory weight of a deity. A magnificent scarlet red cape billowed over her shoulders, contrasting with her lightweight, golden-trimmed combat armor.

In her right hand, resting casually against her shoulder, was a massive golden staff bound with black iron bands at the ends.

It was her: The Great Sage Sun Wukong.

Well... a perfect, physical clone of her, at least.

The Great Sage Equal to Heaven leaned against the doorframe, chewing on what looked like a toothpick, looking at the assembled army of hundreds with an expression of profound, soul-crushing boredom.

[NOTIFICATION FROM THE HIGHER REALMS]

[USER LARRY_SIMP01 HAS DONATED 50 SOUL COINS TO LEAVE A MESSAGE]

[LARRY_SIMP01: WHERE THE F*CK IS MY LARRY?!?! I'M LITERALLY WATCHING THIS ANIME FOR HIM!]

Before anyone could speak, the Cucked One's LitRPG System—clearly compromised by Ravenloft Holdings' administrative override—shattered the tension with a massive, flashing neon-pink window that appeared above the woman’s head for everyone in the room to see.

[SYSTEM ANALYSIS COMPLETE]

[TARGET IDENTIFICATION CONFIRMED]

[NAME: SSSS PUBIC HAIR FOLLICLE #001]

[LEVEL: ??? (Unquantifiable Cosmic Anomaly)]

[CLASS: DIVINE / PARODY EXTERMINATOR]

[ADMIN NOTE: YES, YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY. THE DARK LORD DEPLOYED A SINGLE PUBIC HAIR TO FIGHT YOU. IT IS NOT EVEN A GOOD HAIR. HAVE FUN, HERO. YOU EARNED THIS.]

Nick stared at the floating text. His brain, already struggling to process the events of the day, completely stalled.

"A... a follicle?" Nick whispered, his voice trembling, his face draining of all color. "We are fighting... a hair? What do you mean?"

Kaz didn't look away from the monkey deity. His hand trembled slightly as he glanced at the dysfunctional party around him.

"It means that the monster in front of us is a clone of the most overused, most abused character in the history of shonen protagonists," Kaz said quietly. "If she's even one percent as strong as the original... we're completely and utterly fucked." Kaz said, probably scared.

"Let me deal with this. I've already defeated a lot of monkeys." Kashime added, with the bunny girl and the loli vampire standing beside him, ready to attack in any moment.

Meanwhile, the solo cheater was still unconscious on the floor.

Wukong’s clone let out a loud, obnoxious yawn, stretching her arms above her head. The golden staff remained perfectly balanced on her shoulder.

"The Great Sage, Equal to Heaven, received a formal request for a visitation," Wukong said, her voice dripping with lazy arrogance, before looking at her fingernails, completely ignoring the drawn weapons of the adventurers. "I was told there was a 'Hero' here who claimed he could jump out of the Buddha's palm. I was told there was a challenge. But looking at you lot..."

She lowered her hand, her amber eyes sweeping across the trembling, farting, dysfunctional army.

"You're all... incredibly disappointing," Wukong sighed, before moving her gaze toward the depressed blonde mage.

"You... I smell a dirty, rotten soul." She said, sending a shiver down his spine.

She then took a step forward and suddenly stopped, her nose crinkling in sudden disgust. She leaned forward, loudly sniffing the air, and her amber eyes locked onto Nick, who was standing at the front of the pack, sweating profusely inside his legendary silver armor.

"Wow," Wukong deadpanned, waving a hand in front of her face. "You stink. Truly. I mean, the smell of literal feces from your armor is bad enough... but beneath that? You reek of failure. It's actually offensive to my divine senses."

The insult, combined with the system window, was the final straw.

The Virgin Shonen Protagonist Ego Boost flared with a toxic, blinding golden light. Nick’s face turned purple with pure, unadulterated rage.

He wasn't just being mocked; he was being humiliated by a hair follicle that was critiquing his hygiene.

"I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!" Nick roared, his voice cracking as he raised his legendary silver sword with both hands. "I WILL NOT BE MOCKED BY A MONKEY'S SHADOW! STRIKE HER DOWN! FOR THE LIGHT!"

Nick charged. His heavy silver boots hit the carpet.

PFFFFFRRRRRT! SQUELCH!

The charge was entirely undermined by the sound of explosive flatulence echoing from his greaves.

Wukong didn't even draw her staff. She simply smiled, a wicked, feral grin that showed off her sharp canines.

"Come and get it, extras," Wukong laughed.

What followed was surely not a battle or an epic clash between light and darkness.

It was a massacre, a humiliating, one-sided bullying session that violated several international treaties regarding the ethical treatment of generic anime protagonists.

Wukong didn't even move from her spot in the doorway. She simply reached up, plucked a handful of golden hairs from her own head, blew on them, and watched as dozens of lesser clones materialized in a cloud of golden smoke.

Round 1: The Disassembly.

The lesser clones blurred into motion, using sheer, overwhelming physical superiority and a deep understanding of slapstick comedy.

They bypassed the vanguard entirely, appearing directly behind the backlines, and Nick immediately tried to go help his comrades. (He went to the female adventurers).

The Depressed Blonde Mage didn't even get to raise his staff.

A Wukong clone tapped him on the shoulder, and when he turned around, the clone simply plucked the wooden staff out of his hands, snapped it over her knee like a twig, and handed the broken pieces back to him.

"My... my staff..." the mage whimpered, falling to his knees. "My only source of masculine validation... gone. I am truly impotent now."

Then, the clone got menacingly close to him, making him terrified. "I PROMISE TO NEVER PUT LITTLE PANTIES ON MY FACE EVER AGAIN—!" He shouted, but something interrupted him.

"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE SAINTS OF AETHELGARD, BURN EVERY SOUL! UMBRA FIREBALL!" That was Lucretia, the clumsy mage, who managed to stand on her own feet without falling.

A black fireball immediately wiped out the lesser clone in an instant.

The ED mage looked at her, and she looked back, smiling and giving a thumbs-up. "Stay here, Mage! Use your magic without that staff!" She said.

The blonde immediately ran behind her and started to support the army by throwing random fireballs and water splashes.

On the other side of the room, Light, the tall blonde crusader, charged forward with her heavy sword, her face flushed with the anticipation of a glorious, painful defeat.

"Strike me, beast!" Light panted, trying to slash the air, before dropping her shield entirely. "Ravage my armor! Show me no mercy!"

A Wukong clone obliged. She grabbed the crusader by the waist, hoisted her effortlessly into the air, and executed a flawless, earth-shattering suplex that cracked the floor.

Instead of screaming in pain, Light let out a loud, ecstatic moan. "Oh, Goddess... the lumbar support... do it again! Harder!"

The Wukong clone froze, looking down at the writhing crusader with an expression of pure, unadulterated disgust and then immediately backed away, wiping her hands on her pants, completely refusing to engage with the masochist any further.

"Oh, by the Gods. That was... unpleasant—" In that moment, a magical bullet hit her head, making her disappear into dust.

"Move, Yeu!" That was Kashime, being followed by the vampire loli, while the bunny girl kept randomly smashing the lesser clones.

Meanwhile, Waterfall was trying to run away toward the water cooler.

"I'm a goddess! You can't hit a goddess!" she wailed, tears streaming down her face.

A Wukong clone simply jogged up behind her and delivered a swift, solid, incredibly disrespectful (very, very, very soft) kick directly to her rear end.

Waterfall flew forward, faceplanting into the carpet.

"WAAAAAHHH!" Waterfall sobbed uncontrollably, rolling onto her back and clutching her backside. "She kicked me! She touched my divine behind! That's assault! Kaz! I want to file a lawsuit! Call the cops! Call the royal guard! I want a restraining order against the monkey!"

A few feet away, Meg was standing on a plastic waiting room chair, her eyepatch removed, and her staff glowing with an apocalyptic amount of red mana.

She had been chanting for three solid minutes, detailing her lineage, her dark powers, and her ultimate destiny.

"...AND BY THE CRIMSON FLAMES OF THE ABYSS, I CALL FORTH THE ULTIMATE DESTRUCTION! EXPLOSIOOOOOOOON!" Meg screamed at the top of her lungs, slamming her staff forward.

A massive, blinding beam of destructive heat fired from her staff, completely obliterating the water cooler, the plastic ficus tree, and a large chunk of the wall.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US? YOU IDIOT!" Kaz screamed while running around the waiting room.

When the smoke cleared, Meg fell backward, completely drained of mana, with a triumphant smile on her face.

But Wukong was standing exactly three feet to the left of the scorch mark, picking her teeth with her fingernail.

"EXPLOSION!" Meg weakly cheered from the floor. "...Wait. It didn't hit her. Why didn't it hit her?!"

"Because you telegraphed it for three minutes and then closed your only working eye when you fired," Wukong sighed, shaking her head.

"Move, damn it!" Kashime roared.

The white-haired edgelord stepped forward, raising his massive, custom-built magical revolver and locking onto Wukong, his artificial eye glowing red.

He pulled the trigger rapidly, unloading six highly compressed, armor-piercing magical bullets designed to kill gods.

Instead of dodging, Wukong casually twirled her golden staff in front of her like a marching band baton.

Cling-cling-cling-cling-cling-cling!

The god-killing bullets ricocheted off the spinning staff, sparking harmlessly before embedding themselves in the ceiling.

Wukong stopped spinning the staff and rested it back on her shoulder, letting out another loud, obnoxious yawn.

"Are you guys serious?" Wukong asked, looking at the devastated room. The army of hundreds was currently crying, broken, or utterly confused, still struggling against her lesser clones. "Is this really the best Oakhaven has to offer? You look like toddlers playing at being warriors. I've fought literal peaches that put up a better fight than this."

[Round 2, The Solo Cheater]

During the immense clash, Jin, the Solo Cheater, finally regained consciousness and sat up, shaking his head. The horrific memory of the mop faded, replaced by the immediate, burning need to salvage his pride in front of the others.

He saw Wukong standing with her back to him, effortlessly mocking the gun-wielding edgelord.

‘This is my chance,’ Jin thought, his eyes narrowing as he stood up, dusting off his black trench coat. ‘I will show them true despair. I will remind them why I am the strongest solo player in existence. I will overwhelm her with numbers. And I'll protect my family.’

Jin stepped forward, with his edgy persona fully rebooted, and spread his arms wide, his single visible eye glowing with a terrifying, deep purple light.

The room's ambient temperature plummeted as he struck his most iconic, merchandise-selling pose.

"ARISE!" Jin commanded, his voice echoing with deep, abyssal resonance. (The Solo Cheater had probably illegally gathered new souls without a proper contract.)

The beige carpet beneath him instantly turned pitch-black, and a massive pool of bubbling shadow magic expanded across the room.

From the depths of darkness, terrifying figures began to crawl out: heavily armored Shadow Knights, dark mages, and even the massive, screeching silhouette of a Shadow Wyvern, their eyes glowing with icy blue fire.

The rest of the broken army gasped in awe.

This was it. The Solo Cheater was using his ultimate trump card.

"WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!?!" Egel shouted, while still fighting Wukong's clone's clones. "OH GOD!"

Wukong paused and stopped twirling her golden staff and slowly turned her head, looking over her shoulder at the sprawling army of darkness.

"Really? I literally fought the entire army of heaven, and you literally want to fight me with... this furniture?" Wukong sighed.

Instead of taking a battle stance, she simply raised a single, unimpressed eyebrow and allowed a microscopic fraction of her true, divine aura to leak into the room.

The Shadow Army froze mid-screech.

The massive Shadow Wyvern snapped its jaw shut and whimpered exactly like a kicked puppy. The elite Shadow Knights looked at Wukong, then looked at Jin, and then looked back at Wukong.

In perfect, synchronized unison, the undead shadow soldiers shook their heads. The Lead Knight politely took off its dark helmet, offered a deep, respectful bow of apology to the Great Sage, and immediately sank back into the floor.

Within two seconds, the entire army frantically scrambled back into the pool of darkness. Even the Shadow Wyvern practically dove headfirst into the abyss to escape. The last thing to disappear was a tiny shadow goblin waving a spectral white flag of surrender.

The beige carpet then returned to normal, and Jin stood there, his arms still spread wide in his epic pose, blinking in absolute, mind-shattering disbelief.

His own legendary skill had just abandoned him out of sheer, unadulterated terror. They had literally preferred the void over fighting a single hair of the Monkey King (or queen).

"W-Wait!" Jin stammered, his edgy voice cracking into a panicked whine. "Get back here! I am your Monarch! I command you to arise!"

The shadows completely ignored him.

Wukong snorted, turning her back to him again. "Even your imaginary friends don't want to hang out with you. Tragic."

Humiliated beyond words and driven mad by desperation, Jin abandoned all logic and activated his secondary ultimate skill: [Domain of the Abyssal Monarch].

The remaining slivers of shadow in the room elongated, detaching from the walls and forming into razor-sharp tendrils.

Jin melded into the darkness, completely erasing his physical presence. He reappeared directly behind Wukong, hovering in the air, his twin daggers coated in lethal, anti-divine poison, aimed perfectly at the back of her neck.

"Perish, anomaly!" Jin whispered coolly, executing the strike.

Wukong simply glanced over her shoulder, pursed her lips, and blew a tiny, concentrated puff of air out of her mouth.

FWOOSH.

The sheer, physical force of the Great Sage's breath hit Jin like a Category 5 hurricane.

The shadows instantly dispersed, completely blown away, and the kinetic impact slammed into Jin's chest, stopping his momentum entirely and launching him backward.

He flew across the room, crashing into the ticket dispenser and sliding down the wall, leaving a dent in the drywall.

Jin dropped to his knees, his twin daggers clattering to the floor. His edgy persona didn't just break; it completely disintegrated.

"My... my shadow army..." Jin whispered, his one visible eye welling up with actual tears of despair. "My... my ultimate technique... defeated by a sigh..."

Kaz, who was hiding behind the fake plastic boulder, screamed at the top of his lungs, "IT'S USELESS! SHE'S AN ENDGAME BOSS! WE HAVE TO USE THE COMBINED COMBO ATTACK! IT'S OUR ONLY HOPE BEFORE SHE ERASES OUR SAVE FILES!"

The tracksuit boy had abandoned his party entirely. He was currently hiding behind a fake, hollow plastic boulder that was clearly part of the waiting room's generic décor.

Round 3: The Squeak of the Dragon.

Hero Nick was in absolute agony. He was exhausted, and his armor was emitting constant, wet PFFFFRT noises as he trembled.

He had watched the greatest adventurers in the kingdom get dismantled without the boss even taking her hands out of her pockets. His Virgin Ego Boost was failing, replaced by the cold, hard reality of his own incompetence.

But he still had a trump card.

Nick remembered the legendary loot he had claimed from the chest, specifically the potion that would grant him unparalleled vocal power and intimidation.

"I am not done yet!" Nick roared, though the sound was somewhat muffled by a rather long SQUELCH from his greaves.

He reached into his pouch and pulled out the glowing red vial: the [Elixir of the Dragon's Roar].

Without hesitation, Nick popped the cork and chugged the entire vial.

The alchemical liquid burned on the way down, and Nick felt an immediate, violent tightening in his throat. His vocal cords convulsed as he felt the magic surging into his chest, compressing his lungs, preparing him to unleash a sound that would shatter the heavens.

Nick gripped his silver sword with both hands, planted his feet, and took a massive, deep breath, his chest expanding.

The entire room went still. Even Wukong paused, raising an eyebrow, genuinely curious to see what the glowing blonde idiot was about to do.

"PREPARE TO DIE, MONSTER!" Nick attempted to roar.

But the sound that exited his mouth was not a roar.

It was a squeak.

It wasn't just a high-pitched voice, so unbelievably acute, so absurdly shrill, that it sounded exactly like a hyperactive, asthmatic squirrel that had just inhaled an entire tank of industrial helium.

"Pweepawe to die, monstew!" Nick squeaked, the pitch so high it actually made the nearby glass water cooler vibrate. "Cewestial Dwagon Stwike!"

The delivery was so utterly, profoundly ridiculous that the flow of time in the room seemed to stop.

Kashime stopped reloading his magical revolver. His jaw dropped.

Kaz slowly peeked his head entirely out from behind the fake plastic rock, his eyes wide.

The Loli Vampire stared at Nick, her tomato juice box slipping from her hands and splashing onto the carpet.

Wukong blinked. She looked at Nick, then at his sword, and then back at his face.

And then, the Great Sage Equal to Heaven completely lost her composure.

"PFFFT..." Wukong covered her mouth, her shoulders shaking violently. A second later, she threw her head back and erupted into genuine, booming, uncontrollable laughter.

"AHAHAHAHAHA!" Wukong cackled, clutching her stomach and actually dropping to one knee because she was laughing so hard. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! ARE YOU A MAN OR AN EXPIRED SQUEAKY TOY?! AHAHAHAHAHA!"

The room dissolved into chaos.

The Loli Vampire fell onto her back, rolling on the floor and kicking her legs in the air, wheezing with laughter.

Kaz burst into hysterical tears, pounding his fists against his plastic rock. "HE SQUEAKS! THE HERO SQUEAKS! AHAHAHA! THE DRAGON SQUEAK!"

Nick stood there, his sword raised, his face burning with a heat hotter than the sun. The humiliation was absolute.

"STOP WAUGHING!" Nick shrieked, his voice cracking into an even higher, dog-whistle pitch. "I COMMAND YOU TO STOP WAUGHING! I AM THE CHOSEN ONE! THIS IS A WOUND OF BATTWE!"

"He said 'waughing'!" Kaz howled, completely unable to breathe. "He can't even pronounce his Ls!"

"Fowmation!" Nick squeaked frantically, tears of sheer, unadulterated embarrassment streaming down his cheeks. He waved his sword, trying to rally his broken troops. "Gwoup up! Pwease! Gwoup up and fight!"

He was squeaking insults, orders, and prayers to the Goddess. And every single word only made Wukong laugh harder, tears forming in the corners of her amber eyes.

Finally, after minutes of absolute auditory humiliation, Kaz managed to pull himself together.

The tracksuit boy crawled out from behind his rock and looked around at the survivors.

Kashime was still giggling, Jin was weeping on the floor, Waterfall was rubbing her bruised rear end, Egel was still holding a lesser clone under a chokehold, and Lucretia was literally on the floor, panting. And Nick was just standing there, vibrating with shame, his armor farting softly.

"Okay... okay, listen to me," Kaz said, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "We have to do this together. The final attack. The power of friendship, or whatever bullshit this world runs on. If we combine everything, maybe we can at least scratch her."

The broken, humiliated remnants of the ultimate party slowly dragged themselves together, forming a tight circle.

Wukong was still laughing, completely ignoring them.

They locked hands, and then channeled the absolute last dregs of their mana, their anger, their shame, and their desperation.

[SYSTEM NOTIFICATION: NEW SKILL ACTIVATED.]

[SKILL: POWER OF FRIENDSHIP]

[THE ATTACK BECOMES PLOT BASED, AND YOU IMMEDIATELY WIN]

A massive, swirling aura of chaotic, multi-colored magic began to form above them.

"Now!" Kaz yelled.

Nick stepped forward, raising his sword, putting every ounce of his +30% boosted stats into a single, holy slash.

"FINAL JUDGMENT WIGHT!" Nick squeaked at the top of his lungs.

"DEMON'S BULLET!" Kashime roared, firing a massive, crimson beam from his revolver.

"ABYSSAL SHADOW FRAGMENT!" Jin screamed, throwing his daggers wrapped in darkness.

"...Kick!" Kaz yelled, throwing a completely normal rock he found on the floor.

The combined attack was enormous; a massive, unstable, swirling sphere of holy light, demonic energy, shadow magic, and a small rock that rocketed across the waiting room.

Wukong, who was still wiping a tear of laughter from her eye, didn't bother dodging. She just stood up and let the attack hit her dead center in the chest.

BOOOOOOOOM!

The explosion was catastrophic. The shockwave shattered the fluorescent lights, plunging the room into darkness. The drywall was obliterated, revealing the cold stone of the dungeon behind it. Thick, acrid grey smoke filled the entire chamber.

Silence descended upon the waiting room, and then the adventurers fell to their knees, completely exhausted, gasping for air.

Slowly, the ventilation system cleared the smoke.

Lying flat on her back in the center of a small crater, completely motionless, was Wukong. Her golden staff was resting on the ground a few feet away.

Nick’s eyes went wide, and the Virgin Ego Boost flared one final, desperate time.

"WE DID IT!" Nick squeaked, jumping into the air (accompanied by a loud PFRT). "WE BEAT HEW! I DEFEATED THE MONSTEW! I AM THE TWEU HEWO!"

In the center of the crater, the supposedly dead monkey deity slowly opened one amber eye.

A wicked, malicious smirk spread across her face.

"Defeated?" Wukong asked, her voice perfectly calm, entirely devoid of any weakness. "Me?"

She sat up without a single scratch on her.

Nick’s squeaky celebration died in his throat, and the entire party froze in absolute, mind-numbing terror.

Wukong casually dusted off her shoulder and stood up, stretching her neck until it popped.

"You guys should be thanking your lucky stars that I wasn't the original," Wukong sighed, picking up her staff and resting it back on her shoulder.

"W-What do you mean?" Nick stammered, stepping back.

Wukong reached up and tapped her own head.

"I'm just a hair, boys," Wukong grinned, her eyes flashing with divine amusement. "ONE. A single strand of hair. Plucked from the pubis of the Great Sage and dropped here as a prank by the CEO."

She gestured broadly to the destroyed room, the weeping edgelords, the concussed cleric, and the farting, squeaking hero.

"And you just burned your ultimate moves, your potions, your dignity, and your vocal cords... to defeat a single strand of pubic hair."

The psychological damage inflicted by that statement was worse than any physical blow. They hadn't fought a boss. They hadn't even fought a mini-boss. They had fought a follicle. And they had lost.

"You are all... absolutely ridiculous," Wukong shook her head, letting out one final chuckle. "I haven't laughed this hard in centuries. But honestly? I'm bored now. I need to go get my headpats from the Boss."

She raised her hand and offered them a casual, two-fingered salute.

"But getting hit by scumbags as you count as my loss, so you won. Bye."

And with a soft pop, the physical form of Sun Wukong completely vanished into thin air. In her place, a single, glowing golden hair drifted slowly to the ground, before dissolving into magical dust.

As the dust settled, the floor where the hair had landed began to glow...