Chapter 72: Welcome to Ravenloft Holdings

The massive, chaotic army of the Silver Dragon's Golden Dawn was crammed into a twelve-by-twelve-foot administrative waiting room.

The walls were painted a soul-draining, neutral beige, and the beige carpet was spotless. The generic plastic water cooler bubbled softly in the corner, and the incredibly smooth, royalty-free Bossa Nova music never stopped playing from invisible ceiling speakers.

"So, what are we gonna do now? Wait our turn like we're in a post office?" Kashime pinched the bridge of her nose.

"Guess... I have to take the ticket. That's the only option." Nick said, "That's because... I'm the hero, and I should always take the risks for others... yeah..." He added, reluctantly stepping forward until he stood at the front of the pack. His legendary armor kept emitting soft, wet PFFFFRT noises every time he shifted his weight, and everyone was having a hard time containing their laughs.

Then, he reached his gauntleted hand out toward the red plastic ticket dispenser on the wall, but suddenly...

CLUNK.

The sound was heavy and metallic, making every single adventurer in the room jump, turning around simultaneously.

The massive, imposing iron doors through which they had just entered had swung shut on their own.

A heavy, magical padlock, pulsing with a deep, authoritative purple light, snapped onto the latch, sealing them inside.

Kaz, the boy in the green tracksuit, let out a long, exhausted sigh, his shoulders slumping. "Eh? Are we locked in? Fantastic. That is exactly what I needed today. Trapped in an office with a bunch of cosplayers."

"Waaaaaahhhhh!" Waterfall, the blue-haired goddess, immediately collapsed onto the beige carpet, kicking her legs and throwing a massive, undignified tantrum. "There's no tavern! There's no wine! And we are trapped! This is the worst dungeon of my life! Kaz, do something!"

"CAN I BLOW UP THE DOOR?!" Meg, the girl in red, screamed at the top of her lungs, her staff already glowing with volatile crimson energy. "MY MANA IS ITCHING! PLEASE LET ME CAST EXPLOSION ON THE ARCHITECTURE!"

"NO! NO EXPLOSIONS IN CONFINED SPACES, YOU LUNATIC!" Kaz yelled, delivering another swift, practiced karate chop to the top of her head.

As the dysfunctional party erupted into chaos, the attention of several other adventurers was drawn to something far more terrifying in the corner of the room.

The water cooler.

To Kaz, Kashime, and a few others, it was a completely mundane object: a large, transparent plastic jug of water, turned upside down on a white plastic stand, with red and blue nozzles.

But to the "native" adventurers of Aethelgard—the knights, mages, and useless NPCs who had never seen modern Earth technology—it was a terrifying, incomprehensible artifact.

Gloop-gloop. A large bubble rose to the top of the jug.

"WHAT IS THAT MALIGNANT THING?!" Adventurer NPC #1 screamed, stumbling backward and drawing his broadsword. "IT MOVES ON ITS OWN! IS IT A WATER DEMON?!"

"DO NOT TRUST IT!" Adventurer NPC #2 yelled, brandishing a heavy battleaxe. "IT EMITS AN AURA THAT IS... TOO FRESH! IT'S A TRAP OF THE DARK LORD! SHIELDS UP!"

Instantly, a tight security cordon formed around the water cooler. Heavily armored paladins raised their shields, creating a phalanx to protect the Hero from the bubbling plastic jug.

"PROTECT THE HERO! WE MUST SACRIFICE FOR THIS KINGDOM!" Random Shouter NPC #34 exclaimed, raising his spear.

Kaz, who had been literally the only person not to draw a weapon or panic, stared at the phalanx and rubbed his temples, a mixture of profound compassion and absolute frustration washing over his face.

"Are you guys kidding me?" Kaz sighed, his voice dripping with exhaustion. "It's... It's a water cooler. It dispenses water. That's literally all it does."

Meg rubbed the top of her head, looking at Kaz in confusion. "A... water... cooler? What is a water cooler?"

"I don't even know, okay?! But that's what it's called on Earth! Do you think I invented the name?!" Kaz snapped, before looking at the dispenser in front of him. 'Ah... I need water...'

His thirst, brought on by miles of walking, finally got the better of his caution.

Kaz pushed his way through the wall of heavily armored paladins, ignoring their shouts of warning. He reached the water cooler, grabbed a small paper cuo from the dispenser on the side, pressed the blue nozzle, and took a long drink.

Nick tried to stop him, but his System screen told him not to.

In the exact moment that Kaz drank, the entire room fell dead silent, waiting for the boy in the tracksuit to explode, melt, or turn into a zombie.

Then, Kaz lowered the paper cup. His eyes widened, suddenly sparkling with life.

"DAMN!" Kaz shouted. "THAT IS SOME REALLY F*CKING GOOD WATER!"

The entire room stared at him as if he had just chugged a pint of fresh dragon's blood.

Kashime, the white-haired edgelord, rolled his eyes and holstered his massive revolver. "Oh, for heaven's sake, it's just water. You primitives are embarrassing," He added, before walking over, pushing past an NPC, grabbing a paper cup, and drinking.

Then, stopped and looked at the cup, blinking in genuine surprise.

"Wait..." Kashime muttered, his edgy persona slipping for a fraction of a second. "That is actually really good. It's cold and crisp. It's perfect. Damn it."

Nick, who was still standing by the ticket dispenser trying to figure out how to pull a number, turned around and looked at Kaz and Kashime with deep, sudden suspicion.

"Wait a minute," Nick said, his voice sounding less scared... for now. "How do you two know how that mechanism works? Don't tell me that..."

Kaz and Kashime looked at each other, and then, they slowly turned to look at Nick.

"Yeah," Kaz shrugged nonchalantly, tossing his paper cup into a nearby trash can. "We're reincarnated. Just like you."

A heavy pause settled over the room.

Kaz smiled, a wicked, utterly disrespectful smirk crossing his face.

"Fart-boy," He added, with a malicious smirk on his face.

In that moment, Nick’s face instantly drained of all color, and the Virgin Shonen Protagonist Ego Boost, which was already hanging by a thread, suffered a massive, critical strike.

The very foundation of his identity was shattered.

"W-What?" Nick stammered, stepping back, his armor letting out a sad squeak-pffrt. "No... I... I am the only one! The Saintess and I are the only Chosen Ones! The System told me I was unique! I am the protagonist!"

Kashime cut him off, his voice dripping with tired cynicism. "The System played you for a fool, blondie. There are four of us right here in this room. Actually, more, and even more in this world. How many of us dropped into this world, Kaz?"

"Beats me," Kaz shrugged. "At least a dozen, maybe more."

"Cool," Kashime replied.

Kaz then looked around the room at the chaotic, motley collection of edgelords, exploding mages, crying goddesses, and groaning masochists and counted silently on his fingers.

"Wait a minute," Kaz muttered, his brow furrowing. "How many of us are there? Five? Six? And every single one of us thinks they're the main character..." He shook his head, letting out a long, exhausted sigh. "This story has more protagonists than a seasonal harem anime. No wonder the plot is a mess."

"Right," Kashime replied, randomly doing cool moves with his revolver.

"Well, most of the people here are just generic NPCs, like those guys over there." He pointed casually to the Royal Guards.

Adventurer NPC #3 leaned over to his comrade, whispering loudly, "He... he said 'reincarnated'? What does that word mean? Are they gods?"

Luna, the dark elf, narrowed her eyes and then sniffed the air as her brilliant mind began to process the implications. "Fascinating. So there are multiple 'players' in this simulation—more than the System wishes to admit openly. The competitive market for protagonists is oversaturated. A monopoly is impossible under these conditions."

Egel, meanwhile, was entirely checked out of the conversation. She was still flushed red, staring blankly at the wall, her mind replaying the image of Kaitoyama looking at her with absolute disgust. ‘Please, dodge my hit again...’ she thought dreamily.

Lucretia, on the other hand, had tripped near the yellow plastic sign of [CAUTION: WET FLOOR. SANITATION IN PROGRESS.].

"I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!" Nick suddenly shrieked, his voice cracking violently. "THE SYSTEM CHOSE ME!"

"The System chose you because you were the easiest to manipulate," Kaz replied ruthlessly. "But hey, keep believing the fairy tale. Meanwhile, I'm getting another cup of water."

"REPEAT THOSE WORDS IF YOU HAVE THE BALLS, YOU USELESS LOLICON—" Nick exclaimed, just to receive another malicious smirk from Kaz.

"Whoa, chill out, chosen one, that was a joke—" Kashime tried to calm him, but with no success.

Furious, humiliated, and desperate to assert his dominance, Nick took a heavy, aggressive step forward to confront Kaz.

PFFFFFFRRRRRRRRT.

The armor sounded like a tuba filled with mayonnaise, and everyone in the room physically bit their lips, desperately holding back laughter.

Moreover, his system literally said:

"[SYSTEM NOTICE, YOU CAN'T HURT OTHER ADVENTURERS! ENGAGING IN FRIENDLY FIRE WILL RESULT IN A REMOVAL OF THE SSSSSSSS PASSIVE SKILL (PLOT ARMOR)]"

After taking another step, Nick blushed so hard his ears turned purple, clenched his fists, turned away from Kaz, and marched toward the only other object in the room besides the ticket dispenser and the water cooler.

In the center of the room, where Lucretia had tripped, sat a bright yellow plastic bucket. Inside it rested a terrifyingly white mop, and next to it was a sign that read :[CAUTION: WET FLOOR. SANITATION IN PROGRESS].

Nick reached out with his gauntleted hand, intending to kick the bucket over to show he wasn't afraid of the Dark Lord's pathetic jokes, since that was the only thing he could do to suppress his rage.

"DON'T TOUCH IT!"

A scream of absolute, primal terror echoed through the waiting room, making Nick freeze with his hand inches from the Mop.

Jin, the Solo Cheater, was scrambling backward on his hands and knees, his eyes wide and completely devoid of sanity. The edgiest, most powerful solo player in the guild was visibly weeping.

"DON'T TOUCH THAT THING OR WE WILL ALL DIE!" Jin shrieked, pointing a trembling finger at the yellow bucket.

Silence fell over the army. Everyone stared at Jin.

Jin was still having a full-blown flashback of Larry, his yellow rubber gloves, the stainless-steel spoon, and his thumbs-up. He felt the terrifying, unstoppable, bureaucratic weight of the [CUSTODIAL RAGE].

"The mops... the buckets..." Jin whispered, rocking back and forth, clutching his head. "They aren't weapons. They are... they are death. They will clean you away. They will clean us all away until there is nothing left but a shiny floor..."

Nick looked at Jin, then looked back at the mop, and a cold chill ran down his spine. He slowly, carefully withdrew his hand, deciding that perhaps it was best not to touch the Dark Lord's janitorial supplies.

"Alright, alright! I won't touch it!" Nick said defensively, his voice shaking. "Calm down, for the love of the Light!"

In that moment, Jin sighed, calming down despite his PTSD.

Nick looked at the adventurers in front of him and noticed the complete mess.

One by one, they started drinking the water from the dispenser, and everyone seemed to forget that they were in an SSS Dungeon. It really looked like a university courtyard before the start of lectures.

'This place is completely fu—' He thought, just to be interrupted.

Suddenly, the air directly above the water cooler began to hum, making everyone fall back.

"HAH! I KNEW THAT THIS WAS A CREATURE OF THE DARK LO—" A random generic adventurer spoke, just to be interrupted by Kashime, who pointed his revolter at him, probably pissed by his voice.

A globe of dark, swirling purple and black energy materialized out of thin air. It pulsed with a cold, sterile, highly professional light.

That was a communication orb, but it didn't look like the ornate, gilded artifacts used by the Royal Court. It looked distinctly corporate.

Then, a voice emanated from the orb. It was deep and terribly unshakably calm.

That was the voice of CEO Mordecai.

"Welcome, adventurers," Mordecai’s voice echoed through the waiting room, amplified and crystal clear.

Every single person in the room held their breath, feeling the immense Malicious Edgelord aura from his cavernous voice.

"You are now on the private property of Ravenloft Holdings," Mordecai continued smoothly. "The Terms of Service you agreed to upon crossing the threshold are legally binding. All access fines have already been processed and charged directly to the Crown of Oakhaven. Thank you for your business."

Luna, the dark elf, let out a soft, involuntary gasp.

"Listen to him..." Luna whispered, biting her lower lip, her eyes shining with pure, unadulterated admiration. "So professional... so detached... so... incredibly efficient... that is the voice of a man who knows how to maximize quarterly profits..."

"For anyone who wishes to exit the premises," Mordecai’s voice carried on, "please proceed to the back right corner where you will find a door marked 'EMERGENCY - CUSTOMER DISPUTES'. It is already unlocked. You may leave without any further consequences, but you will need to sign a non-disclosure agreement regarding what you have seen. My personal assistant, Brenda, will take care of it."

Despite his benevolence, nobody moved. The anime protagonists were too proud, and the NPCs were too terrified of being left behind.

"For those who wish to proceed..." Mordecai said, the slightest hint of dark amusement bleeding into his tone. "You must pass your performance review with the Great Sage. My... personal bodyguard. She is in the next room, waiting for you."

"Hey!!!! Come out and don't be a coward! Fight me one versus one, Dark Lord! Take me, but leave those adventurers!" Nick shouted, trying to sound cool.

The reincarnated protagonists kept staying silent, while the generic NPCs cheered the Chosen One.

Then, a brief pause.

"Since I am a benevolent CEO..." Mordecai added.

Kashime coughed loudly.

"...As you noticed, I have provided complimentary magical water in the dispenser you just discovered. It will fully restore your MP and soothe your fatigue. There is no trick. It is enchanted tap water. Please, enjoy it while you still draw breath, then think about the Queen who sent all of you to a SSS Rank dungeon without proper preparations, and then ask yourself who's the real villain here."

Nick opened his mouth to interrupt, but Mordecai wasn't finished.

"Oh, and you," Mordecai continued, his voice dropping into an even more menacing register. "Blonde mage with the questionable browser history. Stay away from the explosion-sick little girl, thank you. Here, we are sane people with morals."

The Depressed Blonde Mage froze, and his face went pale. He slowly, guiltily, took a step away from Meg, who was still holding her staff, looking utterly confused.

"What did he mean by that?" Meg asked, tilting her head.

"NOTHING!" the mage squeaked, his voice cracking. "HE MEANT NOTHING! I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!"

Kaz squinted at the blonde mage, his eyes narrowing with sudden, profound suspicion. "Whoa. That was... oddly specific. What exactly is in your browser history, my guy?"

"I—" The blonde mage took some steps back.

Kashime raised an eyebrow, a slow, mocking smirk spreading across his face. "For a Dark Lord, he seems to have pretty high ethical standards. I respect that. Also, Blondie, you look guilty. Like, really guilty."

"EH?! I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING YET!" The ED mage exclaimed.

Waterfall stopped crying for a moment, looking genuinely confused. "Wait... so the scary Dark Lord guy is protecting the little girl? And our party's mage is the creepy one? I'm so confused... can I have more water?"

Meanwhile, Jin lifted his head from the carpet, his voice weak and trembling. "Even the villain... has better morals than our party's mage... what is this world coming to..."

The last person to react to this scene was Luna, her eyes gleaming with barely contained admiration.

She pulled out her hidden parchment and began scribbling furiously. "Fascinating. A remote personalized moral audit. In real-time. He identified a potential predator and issued a verbal restraining order without any legal paperwork. His efficiency is... intoxicating. I must learn this skill."

Nick couldn't take it anymore. The people in his party were starting to empathize with the Dark Lord.

His face was a mask of furious, impotent rage, and the involuntary fart that accompanied his outburst only made it worse.

"SHOW YOURSELF, COWARD! STOP USING YOUR TRICK TRYING TO DIVIDE US!" Nick screamed, his voice cracking violently. "SHOW YOURSELF! DO YOU LACK THE COURAGE TO FACE ME IN COMBAT, YOU WORM?!"

The voice from the orb fell silent for a long moment. When Mordecai spoke again, his voice was as cold as ice.

"I do not need to show myself to you. You are already on your knees, and you know it. Good luck with the Great Sage. You are going to need it. "

The orb flickered and vanished into thin air.

Egel, the beautiful tomboy muscle mommy, was literally on her knees on the beige carpet.

"OH MY GOD! IT'S HIM!" Egel gasped, her face bright red, an ecstatic smile plastered across her face. "THE VOICE! IT'S HIM! YES... SPEAK TO ME AGAIN... FIGHT ME TOO, PLEASE..."

Kaz stared down at her, slowly taking a step backward.

"Okay," Kaz muttered. "This party is broken, and that girl is even worse than Light." Kaz then moved his gaze to the corner of the room, where Light was currently having a mental breakdown, thinking about the voice she had just heard.

Nick turned to face the broken remnants of his army. He planted his feet, raised his legendary sword toward the ceiling, and took a deep, heroic breath.

PFFFFFFRRRRRRRRT.

The armor had completely ruined the moment. Nick's face flushed, but he pushed through, determined to rally his troops.

"ADVENTURERS OF OAKHAVEN!" Nick shouted, his voice echoing off the beige walls. "TOGETHER WE ARE STRONG! THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP WILL GUIDE OUR BLADES! STAND WITH ME, AND WE SHALL—"

"WAAAAAAHHHH! I WANT WINE!" Waterfall wailed from the floor, kicking her legs.

"CAN I BLOW SOMETHING UP NOW?!" Meg screamed, her staff glowing.

"Harder..." Light whispered from the corner, trembling.

Then, the room fell silent.

Nick stood there, frozen, his sword still raised, his speech completely derailed.

Kaz looked up from the plastic rock he was leaning against.

"Yeah," Kaz said flatly. "Friendship isn't really working out, boss."

Nick's eye twitched violently, and he lowered his sword, defeated, and said nothing more.

The Depressed Blonde Mage was quietly sobbing in the corner, and Meg was still trying to understand why explosions were considered "unsafe."

Luna was practically hyperventilating from professional admiration. And Nick's armor let out one last, sad, almost apologetic squeak.

Kaz looked at the group and sighed. "We're so screwed."

Suddenly, the frosted glass door at the back of the waiting room clicked.

Instead of exploding inward with a burst of dark magic, it simply unlatched with the polite, mechanical click of an office door being unlocked from the inside.

Then, the door swung open, revealing pure, pitch-black darkness beyond the threshold, before a sound echoed from the void.

Scrik. Scrik.

It was the sound of rubber dragging slightly against polished stone.

Jin froze, and his eyes rolled back into his head.

The sheer, unadulterated PTSD triggered by the sound of what he believed was a janitor's boot severed his remaining consciousness.

With a soft groan, the Solo Cheater went completely limp, fainting dead away onto the beige carpet. "Run... away...he's here..." Those were his last words.

Nick immediately turned to the figure and commanded everyone to stay behind him.

"STAY BACK, COMRADES! I SHALL PROTECT YOU ALL!" He exclaimed.

"EVERYONE BEHIND THE BLONDIE FART-BOY!" Kaz shouted.

And in that moment, the very first battle of this dungeon was about to start.