Chapter 71: The Terms of Service Raid (Zero EXP, Infinite Debt)

The swirling white-and-gold portal of the Royal Court deposited the massive, chaotic army of the Silver Dragon's Golden Dawn onto the blackened, desolate plains of the Northern Sector.

Towering before them were the brand-new gates of the Northern Dungeon: massive, carved from solid black obsidian, flanked by jagged, terrifying spikes that pierced the grey sky. It looked like the quintessential obvious domain of a Supreme Dark Lord, a monument to despair and dark magic.

But as the army of hundreds approached the threshold, a few of the more observant adventurers—namely, Luna—noticed something deeply unsettling.

The gates were clean, way too clean for the standards of a fantasy dungeon.

Not just "swept." They were literally immaculate.

The obsidian shone with a mirror-like polish, reflecting the grim sky perfectly; the hinges, rather than being rusted and screeching, were freshly oiled; and the cobblestones leading up to the entrance looked like they had been scrubbed with toothbrushes and an industrial-grade alchemical solvent.

There was also a faint, lingering scent of Pine-Sol and lemon in the freezing northern air.

'This is it. I just hit the jackpot,' Luna thought, while licking her lips.

"Advance, my brave companions!" Hero Nick shouted, holding his legendary sword high, while his Virgin Shonen Protagonist +30% stat buff made him practically glow with an aura of unearned, nauseating arrogance. "Let us breach the darkness and claim our destiny!"

Nick stepped across the threshold first.

TIC.

A soft, almost imperceptible sound echoed from a small, completely unnoticeable black stone obelisk tucked behind a potted, remarkably healthy fern near the gate.

"Eh? What was that?" the Depressed Blonde Mage muttered. He was currently staring mournfully at his limp, drooping wooden staff, wishing he were anywhere else.

"Nothing! Just the sound of evil trembling! Forward!" Nick commanded, puffing out his chest.

Then, the army surged in, and as every single adventurer, parody character, and useless NPC crossed the threshold, the obelisk quietly registered their presence.

TIC. TIC. TIC. TIC. TIC. TIC.

Deep within the legal archives of Fort Blackstone, Cassandra the Iron Banshee was watching a magical ledger fill up at the speed of light.

She was in a state of pure bureaucratic ecstasy.

Every TIC was an unauthorized user agreeing to the invisible, unreadable EULA embedded in the stone, which charged a 500-gold-per-minute unauthorized access fee, automatically billed directly to the Crown of Oakhaven.

They were bankrupting the Kingdom before they even drew their weapons.

"Follow me, Comrades! I shall lead everyone to victory! Hahaha!" Nick exclaimed, trying to unleash his [HEROIC AURA].

"Tzch— Why did I even accept this?" The white-haired, edgy adventurer said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

The guy in a green tracksuit looked at him and just shrugged his arms.

'Do I really have to work with all these scums?' The edgelord thought, while the loli vampire next to him kept clinging to his arm like a Koala.

The first long, cavernous corridor of the dungeon was completely empty.

There were no spikes, no pitfalls, no ambushes, and the torches on the walls burned with a soft, energy-efficient LED-like glow.

After twenty minutes of walking, the adrenaline began to wear off, replaced by profound, agonizing boredom.

"Where are the monsters?!" the boy in the green tracksuit, Kaz, complained. He slouched, dragging his feet across the polished stone. "This sucks. I want to go back to the inn and sleep. In the tutorial dungeon, there were at least some giant frogs! I miss the frogs! But hey... if it goes on like this... I'd still get the reward..." He said, rubbing his hands together.

"Waaahhh! My feet hurt!" whined the girl in the blue dress, Waterfall, clinging to his arm and dragging her weight. "Nick! Carry me! I'm a divine being of water, a goddess! I shouldn't have to walk on hard stone! If there are no monsters, I demand we set up camp so I can drink! Someone find me a tavern in this dark abyss!"

"EXPLOSION?!" the tiny girl in red, Meg, screamed, raising her massive staff, her one visible eye twitching with manic energy. "CAN I BLOW UP THE HALLWAY? IT LOOKS TOO CLEAN! I NEED TO CAST EXPLOSION ON SOMETHING! MY MANA IS ITCHING!"

"No! Put the staff down, you lunatic!" Kaz yelled, delivering a swift, practiced karate chop to the top of her head. "We are indoors! You'll bury us all!"

"Please..." the tall, blonde crusader, Light, panted heavily. She had deliberately removed her boots and was pressing her bare feet against the cold stone, her face flushed red. "Please let a goblin jump out and humiliate me. I beg of you. Let them trample my heavy armor... let them mock my sluggish movements... oh, the anticipation of physical abuse is making my knees weak..."

Further up the line, the Dragon Slayer was losing his mind.

He was walking with his back hunched, frantically sniffing the walls, the hair under his helmet bristling like an angry cat.

When a stray bat flew past him, he ignored it. When a low-level slime oozed out of a crack in the wall, he stepped over it. He was completely living in his own world.

"WHERE ARE THE LIZARDS?!" the Dragon Slayer suddenly screamed at the top of his lungs, entirely unprompted. "I SMELL SCALES! GIVE ME DRAGONS! THEY KILLED MY FAMILY! THEY BURNED MY VILLAGE! I WANT A DRAGON SO I CAN EAT ITS FLESH!"

Nick turned around, trying to maintain his heroic facade despite the absolute circus following him.

"Have faith, my friends! We are all companions here! The bonds of friendship will guide us! We fight together, and we shall all emerge victorious! Trust in the Light!"

Ding.

The soft, pleasant chime of an elevator arriving echoed through the cavernous hall, alerting everyone.

Suddenly, the ambient dungeon ambiance faded, and a faint, incredibly smooth, royalty-free Bossa Nova music began playing from invisible speakers hidden in the ceiling.

Everyone looked stunned, with someone asking, "Eh? What kind of music is this?" Yeah, because Bossa Nova didn't exist in a medieval world.

"STAY ALERT, COMRADES! THE DARKNESS IS COMING!" Nick said, as his [HEROIC INSTINCT] made him sense enemies.

Then, from the shadows ahead, the first wave of monsters emerged.

The adventurers drew their weapons, expecting terrifying beasts of the Abyss.

Instead, they blinked in sheer confusion.

It was a squad of twenty Goblins, but they weren't wearing loincloths or tribal bone necklaces.

They were wearing high-visibility yellow hard hats, and pinned to their leathery green chests were laminated employee ID badges that read things like: [BOB - CLONE #104 - TEMP WORKER]. In their hands, they held incredibly cheap, jagged, heavily rusted swords.

"Goblins?" Nick laughed, his ego swelling. "Is this the best the Dark Lord can do? Stand back, my friends! I shall—"

"Step aside, extra," a cold, edgy voice interrupted.

Jin, the Solo Cheater, pushed past Nick. His black trench coat flared dramatically, and his eye was still twitching from his previous trauma, but he saw an opportunity to farm some easy EXP and assert his dominance in front of the others.

"I work alone," Jin declared, drawing two sleek, shadowy daggers. "I don't need the power of friendship. I only need my stats."

With a burst of incredible speed, Jin blurred forward and sliced through the goblin ranks like a dark tornado as his daggers flashed, striking critical points. To his credit, his Level 80 stats were overwhelming. He decimated the first five goblins in seconds, with their bodies turning into black smoke.

But these weren't normal goblins. They were clones crafted from Jeanette's serum, infused with Kaito's dark mana, and had the stats of Level 50 elites.

One of the clone goblins, completely unfazed by seeing its brethren die, swung its rusted sword in a desperate, wild, amateurish arc.

Jin scoffed, stepping back to dodge effortlessly, but he miscalculated the reach of the bizarrely long, rusty blade. The very tip of the rusted iron barely grazed Jin's cheek, leaving a tiny, paper-cut-sized scratch.

Jin smirked, wiping a single drop of blood from his face. "Pathetic. Do you think that a scratch like this could kill a God?"

A translucent pink window shattered in front of Jin's face.

[SYSTEM ALERT: CRITICAL STATUS INFLICTED!]

[You have been infected with: Advanced Magical Tetanus (From Unsanitary Rust).]

[DEBUFF APPLIED: LOCKJAW (Severe).]

[Effect: The user's jaw muscles have violently seized. Vocal casting disabled. Extreme muscular spasms initiated for 30 minutes.]

In that moment, Jin’s edgy smirk froze as his jaw violently clamped shut with a loud, sickening CLACK.

His eyes went wide as a wave of agonizing, paralytic pain shot through his nervous system.

The cool, collected Solo Cheater instantly dropped his daggers, fell to the pristine floor, and began twitching and seizing like a fish out of water. He let out muffled, humiliating groans through his clenched teeth, his legs kicking wildly.

"MMPH—MMMHHH—" He kept groaning.

"Jin!" Nick gasped, stepping back in horror. "The poison is too strong! Medic! We need a medic!"

"I got him!" Lucretia, the clumsy mage, yelled enthusiastically from the back line.

She sprinted forward, her holy staff raised high, but as she took her third step, her boot hit a patch of the floor that Larry the Janitor had recently polished with high-grade industrial wax.

Lucretia’s feet flew out from under her. "KYAA!"

She faceplanted spectacularly onto the hard stone, sliding five feet across the floor like a curling stone, and her staff flew out of her hand, spinning end-over-end through the air, bonking the seizing Jin directly on the forehead with a loud THUNK.

The blunt-force impact triggered a random, localized pulse of holy magic from the staff's crystal.

[Skill Activated: Minor Cure Ailment.]

In that moment, Jin’s jaw unlocked, and he immediately gasped for air, his muscles finally relaxing.

His pride was utterly, irreparably shattered. He had just been bested by a rusty sword and saved by a flying stick thrown by a concussed girl.

Yeah, because Tetanus in this world is considered a [SSS BIOLOGICAL HAZARD] and not a [NORMAL DISEASE].

"Jin! Are you okay, my comrade?" Nick said, offering his hand to him.

Furious, deeply humiliated, and desperate to recover his cool persona, Jin scrambled to his feet while ignoring Nick, summoned a massive wave of dark shadow magic and blasted the remaining fifteen goblins into a fine dust.

"Damn, that guy is pretty strong, isn't he?" The adventurer in green tracksuit said. 'Hehehe... I'll just stay here, doing absolutely nothing and complete this stupid mission...'

Jin stood there, panting, pushing his dark hair out of his eyes, waiting for the familiar, satisfying rush of golden light. He waited for the System to announce his level up. He needed the dopamine hit.

He looked at his HUD.

[EXP YIELD: 0]

Jin blinked. He rubbed his eyes. He checked the combat log.

[Defeated: 20x Clone Goblin Temp Workers.]

[Total EXP Gained: 0.]

[Total Gold Dropped: 0.]

[Note: Temp workers do not carry union-approved loot tables. Please contact HR for inquiries.]

"Wait," Jin muttered, his voice trembling. "No EXP? Nothing?!"

"What do you mean no EXP?" another edgy voice demanded.

It was the white-haired Edgelord, Kashime, who then aimed his massive, custom-built magical revolver at a straggling goblin clone that had just walked out of a side room holding a spectral clipboard.

BANG! The goblin exploded into red mist.

Hajime then checked his stats.

"Zero. Literally zero. And that bullet cost me fifty mana points to craft! This is a scam! The physics engine in this world is garbage, and now the economy is broken too!"

"T-This must be a puzzle!" Nick stammered, trying to maintain his heroic facade while sweating profusely. "The real rewards are deeper inside! Let us push forward!"

They moved deeper into the dungeon, and as they did, the sheer, bureaucratic horror of Ravenloft Holdings began to unfold.

The environment became a surreal blend of a dark fantasy labyrinth and a modern corporate office building, and the Bossa Nova music never stopped, creating a maddeningly calm atmosphere amidst the tension.

They encountered a massive, spike-filled pit trap.

The Dragon Slayer recklessly jumped over it, completely ignoring the spikes, because he thought he smelled a Wyvern on the other side. But as his foot landed, he clipped a hidden, incredibly thin tripwire.

ZAP.

A magical red laser scanned him from head to toe, and a small, spectral receipt printer materialized out of the stone wall and spat out a glowing piece of paper that floated directly into the Dragon Slayer's hand.

"What is this?!" the Dragon Slayer screamed, holding the paper up. "Is this a dragon scale?! Did a dragon drop this?!"

Luna, standing a safe distance away, squinted to read it.

[INVOICE: RAVENLOFT HOLDINGS - FACILITIES MANAGEMENT]

[Violation: Triggering Unscheduled Trap Mechanisms without a permit.]

[Penalty Fee: 1,500 Gold Coins. Deducted automatically from the Crown Treasury of Oakhaven.]

"Traps that send bills?!" Luna gasped, her eyes wide behind her glasses.

She was currently pressing her back against the wall, her [Mystical Item Shroud] wrapped tightly around her. Instead of fighting, she was actively looking for an emergency exit sign or a Human Resources complaint box so she could officially surrender to the CEO. ‘This is brilliant,’ she thought, frantically taking notes on a piece of parchment. ‘They are monetizing the defense grid. It’s an infinite revenue loop. If we run, we lose. If we fight, we go bankrupt. The CEO is a financial god.’

Meanwhile, Egel, the muscle mommy, was at the front of the pack, making her way with her fists through the clone skeletons that marched out of a break room.

But her heart wasn't in it, and her face was bright red.

Every time she struck a pose or parried an attack, she imagined the adventurer who dodged her hit sitting behind a massive mahogany desk, looking at her with cold, uncaring purple eyes, stamping a big red [REJECTED - INEFFICIENT FORM] on her forehead.

‘Yes...’ Egel shivered, biting her lower lip so hard it almost bled. ‘Judge me, CEO. Tell me my posture is terrible... look at me like I'm an ant fighting a God, please...’

"Egel! Focus!" Nick yelled, clumsily parrying a skeleton's rusty spear.

"I am focused!" Egel snapped defensively, blushing harder.

They turned a corner and found a massive oak door. Above it, a glowing neon sign read: [BREAK ROOM - AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY].

Nobody read the sign, of course. Everyone was too busy thinking they were the protagonist of this story.

Nick kicked the door open, expecting a mini-boss.

Inside were twenty Orcs sitting on comfortable velvet couches, drinking coffee from paper cups and reading spectral newspapers.

Nick roared, charging in with his sword raised, and the Orcs collectively sighed, put their coffee down, walked over to a literal punch-clock on the wall, stamped their timecards, and then drew their weapons to fight him.

The orcs were... pretty strong, and Nick had a hard time killing them, even with the help of other adventurers.

When Nick finally destroyed them with the help of Kashime and his bunny girl with a hammer bigger than her (burning three high-tier mana potions and a minor healing scroll because his swordsmanship was atrocious), he once again received absolutely zero EXP.

"This is madness!" the Depressed Blonde Mage cried out, his staff drooping so low it was scraping the floor. "I just cast a Tier 4 Fireball against a group of revenants! It cost me half my mana pool! I gained nothing! I feel so inadequate! I can't perform under these conditions! Even the magic leaves me unsatisfied! Why can't I just be a normal scholar?!"

"Yeah, fuck that. This dungeon is a total scam. I'm out," Jin said, ready to go away.

Suddenly, a massive, deafening roar shook the very foundations of the dungeon.

"ROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRR!"

The sound was primal, ancient, and unmistakably draconic. Vera, the head of aviation, had just reached the final chamber and unleashed her localized aura burst, exactly as Kaito had instructed.

In that moment, the entire army froze in terror. The sheer pressure of the roar made Nick's knees buckle, despite his Virgin Ego Boost.

Jin and Kashime looked at each other and smiled, their gaze literally saying, "Maybe that's the source of our EXP".

But one man didn't freeze.

The Dragon Slayer’s eyes rolled back in his head, his veins bulged on his neck, and his eyes started to glow with an intense crimson-red.

"DRAGOOOOOOOOOON!" he bellowed, a sound of pure, unadulterated ecstasy.

In that moment, the Dragon Slayer stopped caring about the world and the party around him, put his head down, and began sprinting down the corridor at Mach 2, following the echo of the roar.

"Wait! Keep formation!" Nick shouted. But the Dragon Slayer was already gone, smashing through a wooden door and disappearing into the depths of the dungeon.

"DRAGONS! THEY KILLED MY FAMILY! THEY MUST DIE! I'M COMING FOR YOU, OVERGROWN LIZARD!" He kept shouting while running.

"Let the idiot go," Kashime the Edgelord grumbled. "More loot for us."

Nick reluctantly nodded. "You're right." He replied.

As they moved through a series of winding catacombs, Kashime separated slightly from the main group because his artificial eye had detected a hidden switch on the wall.

Without thinking twice, he pressed it, and a secret door slid open, revealing a small, dark room.

Resting in the center of the room was a massive, incredibly ornate golden chest, glowing with an ethereal light.

"Bingo," Kashime smirked. "The real loot is always hidden from the generic NPCs. I bet it's a legendary upgrade for my revolver."

"Are you sure about that? This looks like a trap." The loli vampire said.

"Hah? Do you think that it would really matter? Even if it's a trap, we won't die. The Saintess will help us." He said.

"Mmm— I don't care as long as I'm with you, Kashime!" The bunny girl said, immediately triggering the loli vampire's jealousy while clinging to his arm.

"G-GET OFF HIM, YOU BUNNY SLUT—!" She said, while pulling her away.

"Wait here." He said to them, completely pissed off by everything.

Then, Kashime walked up to the chest, ignoring his loli vampire and bunny-girl, who were busy arguing outside, cracked his knuckles, and threw open the lid of the golden chest.

A blinding light erupted from inside, but the thing he found was something nobody in this universe would've ever expected.

It was a small, high-definition holographic crystal that projected a massive screen into the air.

Suddenly, a booming, magical lute began to play a shockingly familiar, upbeat tempo. A spectral bard materialized on the screen, wearing a completely anachronistic suit, holding a magical microphone, and dancing awkwardly.

The bard began to sing, the lyrics magically translated into the language of Aethelgard:

"Never gonna surrender your gold! Never gonna spare your payroll! Never gonna walk this dungeon, without violating protocol!"

Kashime froze. His brain, transplanted from Earth, instantly recognized the melody.

"Never gonna grind for EXP! Never gonna get your loot for free! Never gonna dodge the invoices, filed by Ravenloft LLC!”

He had just triggered a trap set by Jeanette. He had just been Rick-Rolled in a fantasy dungeon.

"Are you kidding me?!" Kashime roared, his edgy persona shattering into pure gamer rage. "A DEAD MEME?! IN AN SSS-RANK DUNGEON?!"

He raised his revolver and fired six explosive rounds directly into the holographic crystal, shattering it into dust.

TIC.

A spectral receipt printer materialized next to the shattered chest. A glowing invoice floated into his hand.

[INVOICE: RAVENLOFT HOLDINGS - VANDALISM DIVISION]

[Violation: Destruction of Company Entertainment Property.]

[Penalty Fee: 5,000 Gold Coins. Deducted automatically.]

[Note from Management: Get Trolled, Edgelord.]

Kashime let out a scream of pure, incoherent frustration that echoed down the hall.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS PLACE?!?!?" he shouted.

Further ahead, the main group stumbled into a grand, circular chamber. In the center, sitting on a pedestal illuminated by a shaft of light, was a smaller, but still impressive, ornate silver treasure chest.

"Ha! Loot!" Kaz, the tracksuit boy, cheered and sprinted forward. "Step aside, useless goddess! This is mine!"

Kaz reached the chest first, his hands hovering over the latch. But before he could open it, a heavy silver gauntlet clamped onto his shoulder and roughly shoved him aside.

"Step away, citizen," Hero Nick commanded, striking a pose, his cape billowing behind him. "As the Chosen Hero, it is my sacred duty to inspect all dungeon artifacts for curses. I must bear this burden for the safety of the party."

"Hey! I found it first!" Kaz protested, rubbing his shoulder.

"It belongs to the Crown now," Nick sneered arrogantly as he reached forward and threw open the chest.

Inside the chest, there was no gold or weapons; only a small, glowing golden hair.

As soon as the chest opened, the hair floated into the air and began to multiply rapidly.

POOF. POOF.

Thick, white smoke erupted from the chest, filling the room. When the smoke cleared, the entire army gasped.

Standing in front of the chest were two flawless, physical clones of Hero Nick that wore the exact same silver armor and had the exact same blonde hair. They even had the exact same arrogant, punchable face.

The clones were creations of Sun Wukong, crafted from her hair, but altered by her trickster magic to perfectly mimic the Hero.

The Real Nick stared at Clone 1. Clone 1 stared at Clone 2. Clone 2 stared at the Real Nick.

Simultaneously, all three of them raised their arms and pointed at each other. It was a flawless, physical recreation of the Spider-Man pointing meme.

"Imposter!" the Real Nick shouted.

"I am the Chosen Hero!" Clone 1 declared, puffing out its chest.

"No, I am the Chosen Hero!" Clone 2 countered. "And I have a massive, irredeemable fetish for cuckolding!"

The entire room fell dead silent.

"Wait, WHAT?!" the Real Nick shrieked, his face turning beet red. "I DO NOT!"

"Yes I do!" Clone 1 nodded enthusiastically. "I love it when other, more competent adventurers steal my narrative rewards! It's my primary motivation!"

"I am completely useless without my party carrying me!" Clone 2 added, striking a heroic pose. "My sword is compensating for severe physical inadequacies!"

The silence broke.

After a few moments, Kaz, the tracksuit boy, fell to his knees, clutching his stomach, tears streaming down his face as he burst into hysterical, wheezing laughter.

"PFFFFT-HAHAHAHA!" Kaz howled, pounding the stone floor. "The Hero! The Chosen One! He's a cuck!"

"I AM NOT!" Nick roared, drawing his sword and lunging at the clones.

POOF.

The clones instantly vanished back into a single strand of golden hair, which dissolved into the air, leaving Nick swinging his sword wildly at nothing.

The damage to his reputation, however, was permanent, and the loli vampire was openly pointing and laughing. Even the Depressed Mage cracked a weak, miserable smile.

"I-It was a trick of the Dark Lord!" Nick screamed, his voice cracking, desperately trying to salvage his pride. "He uses illusions to test our resolve! Look! There is real loot beneath the false bottom!"

Nick frantically dug into the bottom of the chest and pulled out two items radiating profound, legendary auras: a glowing red potion and a tin of gleaming golden wax.

Nick quickly appraised them using his basic Hero's Vision, desperate to change the subject.

[Item: Elixir of the Dragon's Roar] [Rarity: Legendary]

[Description: Increases vocal power, skill power, and intimidation by 300%.]

[Item: Aegis Armor Polish] [Rarity: Legendary]

[Description: A divine blessing that creates an unparalleled friction layer, increasing physical defense by 200%.]

"Behold!" Nick turned to his exhausted, laughing army, holding the items high, trying to look majestic while sweating profusely. "The Light provides! I shall save this elixir for the Dark Lord himself! But this polish... I shall apply it now, to bolster my defenses for the trials ahead and prove my worth!"

Nick cracked open the tin that smelled faintly of swamps and damp toads, but he ignored it, quickly rubbing the glowing wax all over his silver boots, greaves, and chest plate.

"There!" Nick smiled, striking a heroic pose, hoping everyone would forget the cuckold clones. "Now, let us march!"

Everyone looked at him with confusion in their eyes.

Jin sighed, probably because he wanted those items.

Nick then took a confident, heavy step forward and...

PFFFFFFRRRRRRRRT.

A loud, incredibly wet, echoing, bass-boosted fart noise reverberated through the grand chamber.

In that moment, the world stopped spinning. Every single parody character, useless NPC, and party member froze, their eyes slowly turning to look at the Chosen Hero.

Nick blinked, and his face flushed an even deeper shade of red. "Ahem. The... the stone here is quite uneven. My boots scraped the floor."

He then took another step.

PRRRRRRRR-SQUELCH.

This time, the sound was devastating. It sounded like a rhinoceros stepping on a balloon filled with warm pudding.

Kashime, the Edgelord with the gun, covered his mouth, trying to suppress a snort. The loli vampire openly pointed and cackled. Kaz fell back to his knees, having just recovered, and started crying from laughter again.

"He soiled himself!" Kaz wheezed. "The Hero soiled his armor!"

"I DID NOT!" Nick roared, his face turning the color of a tomato. He took three rapid, angry steps toward Kaz to scold him.

PFRT! SQUASH! BRRRAAAAP!

It was a symphony of flatulence.

Every microscopic movement of the armor plates rubbing together triggered Jeanette's alchemical curse.

The +30% Virgin Ego Boost instantly clashed with the sheer, unadulterated humiliation of the moment, creating a psychological feedback loop that made Nick want to crawl into a hole and die.

"It's the wax! It's fucking cursed!" Nick screamed, trying to scrape it off with his fingernails, but the magic had already bound to the silver on a molecular level. "Stop laughing! I command you to stop laughing!"

"Oh, Nick..." Lucretia murmured, pinching her nose. "I have a cleansing spell... but I don't think it works on... digestion issues. You should have eaten more fiber."

"It's not digestion! It's alchemy!" Nick wailed, marching toward the exit of the chamber, and his every angry stomp was accompanied by a wet trombone sound.

They pushed deeper into the dungeon, trying to catch up with the Dragon Slayer, who had left a black tray on the floor, caused by the immense friction of his speed.

Random monsters kept spawning, and they only got stronger and stronger, to the point of leaving most of the adventurers in difficulty.

After 40 minutes of fighting, the army was in shambles.

They were exhausted, their mana pools were drained, their weapons had lost durability fighting the clones, and they hadn't gained a single point of EXP.

The Crown Treasury was currently millions of gold coins in debt due to Cassandra's EULA traps, and their fearless leader was currently squeaking, farting, and crying his way down the corridor.

Eventually, they entered a long, narrow hallway, and the Bossa Nova music abruptly cut off.

The warm, energy-efficient lighting shifted, snapping into a harsh, cold, flickering fluorescent white.

The hallway was completely empty, except for one object resting exactly in the center of the path, right before a set of massive, ominous iron doors.

It was a yellow, plastic bucket filled with soapy water.

Resting inside the bucket was a pristine, terrifyingly clean white mop, and next to it stood a small, yellow plastic sign that read: [CAUTION: WET FLOOR. SANITATION IN PROGRESS.]

In that moment, Jin, the Solo Cheater, stopped dead in his tracks.

His eyes dilated to the size of dinner plates as the memory of the Labyrinth of the Flayed King kicked in—the horrifying speed of the Swiffer, the glint of the stainless-steel spoon, the sheer, unstoppable power of the blue coveralls—hit him like a physical blow.

He began to hyperventilate. His hands shook so violently he dropped his daggers again.

"No," Jin whispered, stepping backward, bumping into the Depressed Mage. "No, no, no. Not here. He can't be here. It's a Dark Lord's dungeon! Why are there cleaning supplies?!"

"What's wrong with you, extra?" Kashime sneered. "It's just a mop. Probably a trap for low-levels."

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!" Jin shrieked, his edgy persona completely shattering, replaced by sheer, primal terror. He grabbed Kashime by the collar of his trench coat. "They don't fight! They clean! They will clean you until there is nothing left! THE GLOVES! THE YELLOW GLOVES! WE ARE SCREWED! WE ARE ALL SCREWED!"

Jin's shouts made everyone think of a very powerful boss. Nobody had ever seen him in such panic.

Nick, desperately trying to regain control of his army (and walking very, very slowly to minimize the flatulence of his armor), pushed his way to the front.

"Calm yourself, Jin!" Nick ordered, holding his nose before moving his gaze to the mop, and then at the massive doors ahead. In that moment, he thought about Princess Cuckarella and Queen Bonblue's promise. Then, the Shonen Virgin Ego Boost pulsed in his veins, blinding him to the obvious psychological warfare.

"It is a pathetic intimidation tactic by the Dark Lord!" Nick declared loudly. "He mocks us with peasant tools! But behind those doors lies the pre-boss chamber! I can feel it! We shall break his doors down and claim our royal reward! For Oakhaven!"

PFFFFFRRRT.

The heroic speech was entirely ruined by the final step.

Jin ignored him while falling to his knees, clutching his head, rocking back and forth as the trauma consumed him.

Nick marched past the weeping edgelord, raised his silver sword, and pushed open the massive iron doors to what he believed was the pre-boss room.

He expected a dragon, a legion of demons, or even a terrifying maze of lava and spikes.

As soon as the heavy doors swung open, Nick blinked.

That... wasn't a pre-boss chamber.

It was a perfectly normal, brightly lit, twelve-by-twelve-foot room.

The walls were painted a soothing, neutral beige, and a beige carpet covered the floor.

In the corner sat a generic water cooler bubbling softly, and next to it was a small wooden table with a stack of outdated magical magazines and a potted plastic ficus tree.

On the far wall, there was a closed wooden door with a frosted glass window. Above the door was an electronic red sign that read: [NOW SERVING: TICKET #001].

Attached to the wall next to the door was a red plastic dispenser filled with small paper tickets, with a sign above that read: [PLEASE TAKE A NUMBER AND WAIT FOR YOUR PERFORMANCE REVIEW. THE CEO IS CURRENTLY BUSY FIXING THE INFRASTRUCTURE OF THE NEXT PART.]

"What... what is this?" Nick whispered, his sword dropping slightly. "Where is the Dark Lord?"

"It's a waiting room," Luna said from the back of the group, a rare smile crossing her face. "Fascinating. They have weaponized bureaucracy to break our momentum."

Nick stared at the ticket dispenser, and the army behind him stared at the water cooler.

The true horror of Ravenloft Holdings wasn't death or destruction.

It was the absolute, soul-crushing realization that they were not heroes on an epic quest.

They were just uninvited guests without an appointment, and the only thing they could do was wait for their turn...