Chapter 70: The Royal Cuckold and the Parody Brigade

So, on the other side of the Royal Palace complex, Nick, the Chosen One, was trying desperately to hype himself up, using the excuse of going to personally call his harem.

He stood in front of a massive, gold-leafed mirror in his lavish, oversized bedroom, gripping the hilt of his legendary silver sword with a heroic pose, puffing out his chest, and jutting his chin forward.

The Cucked One had gleaming armor, perfectly tousled blonde hair, and the jawline of a generic shonen protagonist.

But his hands were shaking so violently that the armor plates on his gauntlets rattled against each other.

'I am the Chosen One,' Nick whispered to his reflection, his voice cracking. Then, he cleared his throat and tried again, deeper this time. 'I am the Chosen One. The Light guides my blade. Aldmax is just... a bug. A glitch. I will crush him.' He kept saying, remembering the feeling of Kaitoyama effortlessly eating his ultimate attack. A cold sweat broke out on the back of his neck.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

Nick jumped, nearly dropping his sword. "Iiiiih—!" He exclaimed.

"S-Sir Nick!" a muffled, overenthusiastic voice shouted from the other side of the barricaded door. "It is us! Your loyal guards! The Queen has summoned you to the Throne Room! The hour of glory is upon us!"

Nick swallowed hard. "T-The Queen? Okay. Give me a sec—" He said, trying to sound cool.

Then, he quickly splashed some cold water from a silver basin onto his face, slapped his own cheeks to force some color into them, and walked over to the door.

He shoved the heavy oak dresser aside with a grating scrape and pulled the door open.

Standing there at rigid attention were Sir Loin and Knight Light, the two Royal Guards who had spent the entire night guarding his door from the "encroaching evil." They looked absolutely exhausted, with dark bags under their eyes, but they gazed at Nick with a sickening level of pure, unadulterated hero-worship.

"We held the line, Sir Nick!" Sir Loin declared, his breastplate gleaming. "The dark magic did not breach your chambers! Your secret ritual was a success!"

"We knew you were protecting us from the inside!" Knight Light added, tears of admiration welling in his eyes. "Thank you so much for your help!"

Nick forced a confident, arrogant smirk onto his pale face. "O-Of course. The ritual was taxing, but I managed to contain the evil. The capital is safe, thanks to my efforts. Now, lead the way to the Throne Room. The Queen cannot wait anymore."

As Nick marched down the grand, vaulted corridors of the palace, flanked by his adoring guards, he tried to reach out to his party members through their mental link once again.

[System Message: Party member 'Egel' has muted notifications.]

[System Message: Party member 'Luna' is currently operating under a masked IP/Aura. Connection failed.]

[System Message: Party member 'Lucretia' is experiencing a severe status ailment: Concussion. Connection failed.]

Nick cursed internally, not understanding why his 'harem' wasn't answering his Discord calls. He kept walking into a royal summons completely blind, without his vanguard to act as a meat shield, without his strategist to tell him what to say, and without his cleric to heal his raging anxiety.

As he arrived at the destination, the massive, thirty-foot-tall doors of the Throne Room loomed ahead, carved from ancient, magically-infused World Tree wood and inlaid with pure gold.

Two massive stone golems stood guard, their eyes glowing blue as they sensed the Hero's approach, slowly pushing the heavy doors open with a deafening, grinding groan.

And then, Nick stepped into the grand hall.

The Throne Room of Oakhaven was a masterclass in excessive, nauseating opulence, with massive crystal chandeliers hung from painted ceilings, casting prismatic light over polished marble floors, and banners of azure and gold draped from balconies. The air was thick with the smell of roasted meats, expensive perfumes, and political corruption.

But the atmosphere was tense.

Sitting on the grand, jewel-encrusted golden throne at the far end of the hall was nobody else than the loyal King Cuckus III.

The royal family of Oakhaven was a complete and utter mess: the bloodline was a mere suggestion, and the concept of 'legitimacy' was whatever the LitRPG narrative needed at any given moment.

In other words, King Cuckus III sat on the throne purely because the narrative required a king figure to hand out quests and look regal.

Currently, however, the King was not looking regal. He was wearing a crown that was slightly too large for his balding head, and he was completely engrossed in playing with a magical, glowing golden yo-yo.

"Around the world... and... oh, drat, tangled the string again," King Cuckus III muttered to himself, completely ignoring the Hero's grand entrance.

Officially, Cuckus III ruled the kingdom, but unofficially, the Higher Realms had a very sick, very targeted sense of humor when they named him, and everyone with half a brain in the castle knew it.

Standing right beside the throne, exuding an aura of absolute, terrifying competence that suffocated the room, was Queen Bonblue.

[COMMENTS FROM THE HIGHER REALMS]

[Gooner_King]: OH GOD, IT CAN'T BE! THAT NAME IS TOO SUSPICIOUS! F*CK!

[NTR_Lover69]: HAHAHAHAHAH

She was a stunning, imposing woman in a tight-fitting azure gown that left very little to the imagination. Her sharp, predatory eyes calculated every variable in the room in a fraction of a second.

The Queen was the one who actually ran the kingdom.

She managed the taxes, the armies, the trade agreements, and, voices said, the endless parade of "advisors" and "diplomats" who frequently visited her private chambers late at night while the King was busy playing with his toys.

Standing off to the side of the dais, wrapped in her Holy Veil, was Saintess Lucy.

And standing rigidly in a line at the base of the steps, looking absolutely miserable, was Nick's missing party.

Egel, the muscle mommy, stood with her arms tightly crossed under her chest, her face flushed a deep, feverish crimson, and she was also panting slightly.

She wasn't looking at anything in particular, just staring blankly at the polished marble floor.

Luna, the dark elf, was standing perfectly still, furiously tapping away at a holographic magical spreadsheet that only she could see.

Her spatial pouch was currently bulging, hidden beneath the folds of her robes and protected by the [Mystical Item Shroud]. She had successfully stolen over four million gold coins' worth of ancestral relics from her own family estate this morning.

‘The Hero’s party operates on an unsustainable business model fueled by plot armor, luck, and zero strategic foresight,’ Luna muttered under her breath, while running a projection analysis on Nick's survival rate against a Dark Lord who possessed basic logical reasoning. The percentage was a flat zero. ‘The man at the guild, however... his calculated cruelty, his perfect demeanor, the way he dismantled Nick’s authority without drawing a weapon... that is Higher-management material. I am currently calculating the optimal moment to fake my own death during this dungeon raid to minimize liability. I will defect. I must submit my resume to Ravenloft Holdings.’

And Lucretia, the clumsy cleric, had a massive, comically large bandage wrapped around her forehead. She was swaying on her feet, her eyes half-closed, a dopey, concussed smile on her face. She occasionally raised her staff and cast a low-level healing spell on a nearby potted plant, completely oblivious to her surroundings.

"Hero Nick," Queen Bonblue spoke. Her voice echoed with commanding authority, completely overshadowing the King, who had just dropped his yo-yo and was currently looking for it under the throne. "You have finally graced us with your presence. The Saintess has delivered the Goddess's will. The Supreme Necromancer Aldmax has officially returned."

Nick marched forward, dropping to one knee, though his armor squeaked awkwardly. "Y-Yes, My Queen!"

"As you should know, he has claimed a dungeon in the Northern Sector and kidnapped Princess Pyroetta Von Serylda, a political asset this kingdom recently acquired to settle a grain debt," the Queen continued, her eyes narrowing. "This is a direct insult to the crown, the Light, and our financial stability."

Nick swallowed hard.

The Queen had spoken, and he already knew where this conversation was going.

"I am ready to strike him down, Your Majesty! But... a Dark Lord is a massive threat. My party and I are strong, but as you can see, Lucretia is currently trying to feed water to a marble pillar." He spoke, trying to sound cool.

"We are aware of the logistical requirements of an SSS-Class raid, Hero," Queen Bonblue interrupted smoothly, a predatory, sickeningly sweet smile touching her lips. "Which is why we are providing you with the ultimate incentive. And an army."

The Queen clapped her hands twice, and the heavy velvet curtains behind the throne parted.

Stepping out into the light was a girl who looked like she had been generated by a faulty AI algorithm designed to appeal to every single generic fantasy trope simultaneously.

She had long, flowing, perfectly styled hair that seemed to permanently catch an invisible breeze, eyes that sparkled with literal, animated diamond-shaped glints, and a pink dress that was both entirely modest and completely gravity-defying, and other than that, she also had two very big, beautiful qualities.

"Allow me to present my daughter," Queen Bonblue announced. "Princess Cuckarella."

The Princess walked forward with robotic grace and offered a flawless, rehearsed curtsy.

"Greetings, brave Hero," Princess Cuckarella said. Her voice was beautiful, melodic, and entirely devoid of any actual inflection or personality.

Lucy watched her through the veil and saw that the Princess felt... hollow, until a System screen appeared before her, explaining everything.

Basically, the Narrative hadn't yet decided on her role. She had been studying abroad because the narrative didn't know if she was going to be a reward for the Hero, a damsel in distress, or a surprise villain. So, the System had just put her on standby since she was currently a placeholder NPC waiting for a plot hook to give her a personality matrix.

"She is beautiful, isn't she?" Queen Bonblue purred, stepping gracefully down from the dais. Her hips swayed with practiced, hypnotic rhythm as she approached Nick, who was still kneeling. "If you march to the North, Hero... if you slay this Dark Lord, rescue Princess Pyroetta, and secure the Kingdom's safety... Princess Cuckarella shall be given to you as your promised bride."

Nick’s eyes went wide as he started drooling slightly, completely forgetting his fear of the dark mana.

'Ah yeah... giving women as a reward merch, while completely ignoring her will. Do people really like this sexist narrative?' Lucy thought, gripping her staff tighter.

"But that is not all," Queen Bonblue leaned in closer and reached out, tracing a single, manicured finger along the edge of Nick's silver pauldron.

Then her voice dropped to a sultry, conspiratorial whisper that magically amplified, echoing throughout the silent throne room. "King Cuckus III is... tired. He lacks the stamina required to rule a kingdom. If you succeed, he will abdicate the throne in your favor, as is tradition."

"I will?" King Cuckus III blinked, looking up from under the throne where he was currently holding his yo-yo. "Oh, wonderful! I've always wanted to retire to the countryside and breed pigeons! Good luck, Sir Nick! You'll be a great king! Just remember to sign the papers!"

"You will marry the Princess," Queen Bonblue whispered, her lips inches from Nick's ear. "And I... will remain by your side as your Royal Consort. You will have the crown, the Princess, and the Queen. You will have everything."

Nick’s brain completely short-circuited.

A kingdom. A princess. A queen. A literal, institutionally sanctioned harem beyond his wildest, most pathetic, hormone-driven fantasies.

The sheer, paralyzing terror he had felt regarding the Level 35 adventurer who swallowed his attack like whipped cream and the suffocating dark aura from yesterday evaporated entirely, instantly replaced by a blinding, toxic, chemically-induced surge of adolescent ego.

Above his head, a massive, golden LitRPG window shattered into existence, accompanied by a blaring fanfare of trumpets that made Luna wince and cover her ears.

[SYSTEM BUFF ACQUIRED!]

[Virgin Shonen Protagonist Ego Boost: ACTIVATED!]

[Condition Met: The user has been promised an unrealistic, narrative-breaking harem reward involving royalty and borderline-illegal political succession.]

[Effect: +30% to all Base Stats for 24 hours. Fear resistance set to MAXIMUM. Rational thought disabled. Confidence levels boosted to catastrophic, lethal maximums.]

Nick’s aura flared with a brilliant, arrogant, golden light, so bright that Lucretia, snapping out of her daze for a moment, actually had to shield her eyes.

He gripped the hilt of his legendary sword and stood up, his chest puffed out so far he looked like a silver-plated pigeon. He felt like an invincible God.

Aldmax wasn't a threat; Aldmax was just a stepping stone on his path to claiming his rightful throne and his royal harem.

Behind him, his party was physically recoiling from the sheer cringe.

Luna sighed, her face pale with utter disgust. ‘A structural hierarchy based on a harem reward system involving a mother and daughter. This kingdom’s management is not just doomed to fail; it is a moral and logistical biohazard. I must accelerate my defection to Ravenloft Holdings immediately.’

Egel actually gagged quietly, crossing her legs tighter. ‘Pathetic. He’s drooling like a dog over a fake title and a plastic princess. Kaitoyama would never care about a crown. He would just stare at the Queen with those dead, beautiful, uncaring eyes until...’

"I accept this glorious quest, Your Majesty!" Nick declared, his voice booming with artificial, System-granted bass. "But you mentioned an army. The Northern Dungeon is vast, and an SSS-Rank threat requires logistical support. I will need vanguards to clear the trash mobs so I can focus on dismantling the Dark Lord!"

"And you shall have them," Queen Bonblue smirked, turning toward the massive oak doors at the entrance of the Throne Room. "I have emptied the royal treasury to purchase the exclusive, unlimited contracts of the most powerful, highly-rated adventuring guild in the capital. They will serve as your strike force."

The Royal Heralds standing by the doors raised their golden trumpets.

"Presenting the strongest adventurers of the Silver Dragon's Golden Dawn Guild!" they announced in unison.

The heavy oak doors swung open with a dramatic crash.

A massive crowd of heavily armed, wildly colorful, and aggressively loud adventurers marched into the Throne Room. To any normal citizen of Oakhaven, they looked like an elite, unstoppable fighting force.

But to Lucy, and to anyone who had ever consumed media on Earth, they looked like a walking, breathing copyright infringement lawsuit waiting to happen.

The LitRPG System, clearly running out of original character assets and processing power, had simply begun copy-pasting protagonists and tropes from other popular anime franchises, tweaking their colors slightly, and throwing them into the guild to fill out the roster.

Leading the pack was a young man wearing a high-collared, pitch-black trench coat. His dark hair covered one eye, and he exuded an aura of pure, unadulterated, try-hard edginess. It was Jin, the Solo Cheater, who looked incredibly cool to the casual observer, but upon closer inspection, his uncovered eye was twitching erratically, probably from the PTSD given from a Skeleton Janitor with yellow rubber gloves.

Ever since his encounter with Larry, Jin had developed a severe, crippling phobia of yellow rubber gloves and stainless-steel spoons. He kept looking at the polished marble floor of the Throne Room, visibly sweating and muttering, "It's too clean... it's a trap... where is the mop..."

Marching right beside him was a spiky-haired, incredibly muscular warrior wearing an open vest and a scarf made of literal dragon scales.

"DRAGONS!" the warrior screamed at the top of his lungs, entirely unprompted, punching a nearby stone pillar. "Give me dragons! They killed my family! I smell dragons in the North! I will slay them all and eat their fire!"

This was 'Dragon Slayer', and yeah, try to guess what his backstory is, I'm too tired to explain obvious things. Moreover, that was the first time he showed a new kind of emotion.

He was currently chewing on a piece of coal. (He was, coincidentally, the absolute perfect candidate to walk straight into Vera and Vesta's trap, assuming they didn't vaporize him instantly).

Next to him stood a blonde-haired mage wearing a grey robe. He had immense magical power radiating from his wooden staff, but his face carried an expression of profound, soul-crushing depression and anxiety. He looked like a reincarnated adult man with a very questionable browser history, suffering from severe erectile dysfunction, who had been dragged out of his basement against his will.

Behind them was another edgelord. This one had white hair, an eyepatch, a mechanical arm, and was carrying a massive, completely out-of-place magical revolver while being flanked by a loli vampire aggressively drinking tomato juice from a juice box, and a hyperactive bunny-girl swinging a massive sledgehammer who kept referring to him as "Master."

"This world's tech level is trash, there are simps everywhere," the white-haired edgelord complained, spinning his revolver. "I had to invent this gun myself. Pathetic."

And finally, bringing up the rear was the most dysfunctional sub-party in existence, creating a massive racket as they entered the hall.

A boy in a green tracksuit, looking utterly miserable, was trying to manage three girls. The first was a girl in a blue dress with flowing water magic who kept crying and begging King Cuckus III for a bottle of his finest royal wine.

"Please, Your Majesty! Just one bottle of bubbly! I'm a goddess, I swear!" she wailed, clinging to a guard's leg.

The second was a tiny girl in red robes with an eyepatch, waving a massive staff and screaming, "EXPLOSIONS! I FEEL THE NEED FOR EXPLOSIONS IN THE NORTH! LET ME CAST EXPLOSION ON THE THRONE ROOM!"

The third was a tall, blonde crusader in heavy armor who had intentionally tripped over a rug and was currently actively trying to let the Royal Guards step on her face.

"Oh, yes... the floor is so cold... punish me for my clumsiness, guards..." she panted heavily, her cheeks flushed bright red, making King Cuckus III deeply uncomfortable.

Nick looked at his new army. He was buffed out of his mind, but even he found the display chaotic.

His System HUD flickered, scanning all the guild members pouring into the room.

[Target: Jin - Level 80 (Status: Severe PTSD / Janitor Phobia)]

[Target: Dragon Slayer - Level 75 (Status: Screaming / Chewing Coal)]

[Target: Depressed Blonde Mage - Level 78 (Status: Limp / Avoidant)]

[Target: Edgelord w/ Gun - Level 79 (Status: Complaining about tech tree)]

But as the scan moved past the front runners, the LitRPG interface simply gave up on generating unique identities for the remaining copyright infringements.

[Target: Useless NPC #1]

[Target: Useless NPC #2]

[Target: Useless NPC #3]

[Target: Expendable Meat Shield #44]

[Target: Cannon Fodder #102]

"This is the might of Oakhaven," Queen Bonblue declared, gesturing grandly to the massive, chaotic assembly of parody characters, completely ignoring the fact that the crusader was currently moaning on the floor. "They will follow your commands, Hero Nick. They will clear the path through the dungeon's defenses. You are to lead them into the Northern Sector and bring me the head of Aldmax."

Nick, completely intoxicated by his +30% stat buff, the promise of a royal harem, and the sheer volume of high-level meat shields at his disposal, drew his legendary silver sword and held it high in the air, the blade catching the sunlight streaming through the stained-glass windows.

"At your orders, Majesty Bonblue!" Nick shouted, his voice echoing in the hall, dripping with unearned confidence. "We ride for the North! We will scour this dungeon of its evil! For the Light! For the Princess! For the Queen!"

The Silver Dragon's Golden Dawn cheered. Everyone hailed Nick's name except the special adventurers. They were too busy being the protagonists of their own story.

Jin kept looking around him, hoping there were no shiny floors.

The Dragon Slayer screamed about lizards, while the girl in the blue dress cheered because she hoped there was a tavern hidden inside the dungeon.

"Court Mages!" the Archbishop commanded from the sidelines, stepping forward with his holy staff raised. "Open the gateway! Send the Light's justice directly to the doorstep of the Abyss!"

Ten high-ranking royal mages in purple robes stepped forward, forming a circle in the center of the Throne Room.

They began chanting in unison, their staffs striking the marble floor in a rhythmic, thundering beat, until the air in the center of the room tore open.

A massive, swirling portal of blinding white and gold holy magic manifested, wide enough to march an entire battalion through shoulder-to-shoulder.

The magical coordinates were locked directly onto the desolate, blackened plains just outside the Northern Dungeon's entrance.

Nick didn't hesitate. Blinded by ego and the system's dopamine manipulation, he turned and marched directly into the portal, leading the charge with a confident, heroic stride.

Jin followed, muttering under his breath, looking over his shoulder, the Dragon Slayer charged in headfirst, the depressed mage shuffled through, sighing heavily, and the green-tracksuit boy dragged his dysfunctional party through by the collars of their shirts.

One by one, the massive army of parodies, tropes, and useless NPCs marched into the blinding light, eagerly walking straight into the most diabolical, corporately-structured meat grinder ever designed by a modern CEO.

Egel, Luna, and Lucretia were the last to go.

Luna kept mentally drafting her two-week notice and calculating her severance package.

Egel let out a frustrated sigh, hoping against hope she would get to see the man who dodged her hit, even if he was the enemy.

Lucretia just stumbled forward, her bandage slipping over one eye.

They stepped through the portal, and with a final, brilliant flash of light, the magical gateway snapped shut, leaving the Throne Room quiet once more.

King Cuckus III clapped his hands, picking up his yo-yo. "Oh, what a lovely parade! They looked so colorful! Is it time for lunch now, dear?"

Queen Bonblue rolled her eyes with profound disdain, turning away to deal with actual state affairs and a waiting diplomat in her private chambers.

Lucy stood in the shadows near the dais, her hands clasped respectfully in front of her.

Beneath the Holy Veil, the Customer Service Smile dropped entirely, replaced by a cold, hard, and entirely calculating expression.

Then, she turned her gaze toward the North, feeling the heavy, calculating, meticulously organized dark mana waiting at the other end of that portal even from miles away.

It wasn't the chaotic evil of a monster. It was the precise, lethal intent of a corporation preparing for a hostile takeover.

Nick had his +30% stat buff, an army of high-level anime parodies, and the blessing of the Crown and the Church.

But Kaito had spreadsheets, an airtight EULA, and zero-EXP clones that would drain their resources for nothing. He had farting armors, an atomic-laser-wielding war criminal, a Great Sage's hair follicle, and an entire executive team that operated with terrifying synergy.

‘May the Goddess have mercy on your soul, Nick,’ Lucy thought, turning to leave the Throne Room, her white cloak sweeping the marble floor. ‘Because Kaito and I certainly won't.’

[HIGHER REALMS LIVE CHAT]

[GachaAddict_777]: BRO REALLY SAID “I HAVE SPREADSHEETS” LIKE IT WAS A DIVINE WEAPON 😭😭😭

[CorporateDemonCEO]: The Hero has stats. Mordecai has middle-management trauma and legally binding documents. It’s over.

[NTR_Lover69]: WAIT... THE SAINTESS IS ACTUALLY BETRAYING THE CHURCH FOR THE NECROMANCER??? PEAK FICTION

[PowerFantasyEnjoyer]: I came here for dungeon fights. Why am I emotionally invested in a skeleton janitor with yellow gloves?

[TaxEvaderFromFloor9]: Ravenloft Holdings genuinely has better organizational structure than my company.

[Gooner_King]: QUEEN BONBLUE IS INSANE. KING CUCKUS III IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL.

[ShonenProtagDefender]: Nah bro this is unfair 😭 Nick got psychologically debuffed before the raid even started.

[HR_Department_Survivor]: “Target: Expendable Meat Shield #44” 💀💀💀

[FairyTailFan1998]: WAIT WHY IS THE DARK LORD ACTUALLY A BETTER PERSON THAN THE HERO? WHERE'S THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP?

[SpreadsheetNecromancer]: Kaito weaponizing labor law against fantasy tropes is the hardest thing I’ve ever seen.

[DungeonCleanerSupremacy]: Jin developing janitor PTSD because of Larry is still the funniest subplot in this entire story.

[DivineModerator]: WARNING TO ALL VIEWERS: Do NOT sign any contracts found inside the Northern Dungeon.

[PlotArmorInvestor]: Rational thought disabled 😭 THE SYSTEM REALLY BUFFED HIS DELUSION

[SaintessProtectionSquad]: Lucy smiling while sending Nick into a corporate meat grinder is terrifyingly attractive.

[CEO_of_Hell]: This isn’t a dungeon raid anymore. This is a hostile acquisition.

[VIPViewer_004]: The Hero brought an army. Mordecai brought compliance regulations.

[LowerRealmIntern]: I JUST REALIZED THE ENTIRE RAID IS A TAX WRITE-OFF FOR RAVENLOFT HOLDINGS

[DragonSlayerFanclub]: Why is the screaming coal-eater somehow still one of the sanest people in the room?

[LegendaryLurker]: Every chapter feels like HR paperwork mixed with psychological warfare and I can’t stop reading.

[Izuocha_Not_Canon]: BAKUGO WAS MEANT FOR DEKU AND TOGA FOR OCHACO, THAT SHIT IS NOT CANON!