Chapter 79

Sophia groaned as buzzing dragged her out of a late-morning nap. Lifting her head, she sniffed the air, trying to find the source of the irritating sound. The still room air failed to produce much of anything, except for a hint of leftover menthol from her upper lip.

Ack, I'm acting wolfy again. A wave of anxiety brought her fully awake. I hope that wasn’t enough to cause me to change more. Before she dwelt too long on just how unconvincing she found that assertion, she turned her thoughts to the buzzing. Phone, someone’s calling me. 

The sound ceased by the time she found the phone on her bedside table and pulled it to her. Seeing it had been Candice, she redialed.

“Hey, Soph! I’m waiting to get my hair done and thought I’d check in on you,” Candice’s voice reverberated through the phone speaker. “Head feeling better?”

Rolling onto her side, Sophia experimentally moved her head around and then pushed against her upper abdomen. The movement disturbed the air around her bed, and she reflexively started sniffing the stirred-up chemicals. 

My room smells so… The relative sterility after several deep cleanings made her own bedroom feel alien, oppressive. I need to get that balm back on. Yet, there was a vibrancy to everything that she would almost rather have died than stifle.

“Yeah, it still hurts a little, but it’s much better than yesterday afternoon,” she answered finally. “My stomach is feeling better, too. I don’t know what that was.”

And I had to miss yet another shift at work.

“Ah, that’s a relief!!” Candice said. “It would totally suck to have to miss your first school dance for a headache.” She paused and then asked, “I mean, you still want to go, right?”

Sophia turned her head to look at the blue dress still hanging from the back of her door. A flurry of emotions ran through her as her eyes settled on it: uncertainty, guilt, sadness, longing, anger, pain…

“Yes,” she lied after a moment too long. “It’s going to be a lot of fun!”

“Okay, great!” Candice replied and then paused as her name was announced in the background. “Oop, time for my appointment. I’ll be headed to school afterward to help set up, but give me a call if you need anything! Ciao!”

“Bye,” Sophia responded and hung up.

I want to do this; everything will be fine.Logan is a great guy, and I’ll forget all about Shadow or ever wanting to be a wolf after tonight. Sophia lay her head back down and rubbed her forehead with her left hand, trying to quell the stress-induced queasiness in her stomach. No more Wolfgirl, only Sophia.

Daylight was fading outside her window as Sophia stared at the dress from her bed, clothed in only her undergarments. Her hair had dried hours before and now hung in a tangled mess, while several spots on her legs burned from where she had nicked herself shaving for the first time in months. Candice’s shoes sat in front of her bed, growing dull in the darkening room. On her desk, an array of makeup sat untouched since she had gotten them out earlier in the afternoon. 

Logan is going to be here in twenty minutes; I can’t put this off any longer.

Sighing deeply, she forced herself to get onto her feet, fighting the return of the strange disorientation that seemed to appear whenever she put the balm on. Even the scant clothes she wore now felt almost unbearably tight and suffocating. A knot had appeared in her stomach earlier in the day and had grown to supplant the first real hunger she had felt all week.

I’m human. I want to be human, have a human boyfriend, and do human things. Her breathing sped up as she forced rubbery legs to carry her. It’s time to grow up and stop having foolish dreams.

Reaching the garment, she suppressed the urge to sniff it, instead running her hand down the front. The dress shimmered faintly in the dim light as the fabric reacted to her touch. With a quick flick of the wrist, she turned the light in her room on, forcing her sensitive eyes to remain open despite the painful glare. Sequins embedded in the bodice sparkled brilliantly in all colors, but still strangely dull and muted in the absence of one of her senses.

This is what I want…

Grabbing the dress, she took it off its hanger and pulled it over her head. She pulled it down her body, disregarding the complaints of her skin and forcing back the disturbing feeling she was putting on chains. Reaching behind her, she found the zipper and pulled it up with a grunt.

This. Is. What. I. Want.

She stood there for a moment, feeling the weight of the dress against her while trying to find some sense of hope or triumph to take hold of. Instead, the emotional void within her only seemed to deepen. Taking a resigned breath, she turned and headed around her bed to her mirror. There, she checked that the safety pins were still out of the way and made a few half-hearted adjustments.

It’s… It’s fine; I guess. She pursed her lips at the sight of her unruly hair nearly reaching the upper part of the bodice. Candice was right that I need a haircut. Too bad, my hair hides my ears fairly well, and the headband doesn’t exactly go with the dress.

Reaching behind her head, she tied off her hair into its usual ponytail, revealing the unmistakable pointed shape of her ears. Reaching across her bed, she grabbed the floral-patterned headband from where she had left it and brought it down over the rims of her ears.

Eh, what does it matter?

Leaving her mirror, she walked over to her desk and stared down at the bewildering array of makeup on her desk.

Mom, you were supposed to be here to help me with this stuff. I don’t even know what half of this is. Oh, what’s even the point? With a frustrated grunt, she slammed her chair against her desk. It’s not like it would make a difference.

Walking to the side of the bed, she slipped her shoes on before throwing herself backwards onto her bed and staring blankly at the ceiling.

Sophia was starting to doze when her phone buzzed with a message from Logan saying he was waiting outside.

Here goes nothing. The tightness in her chest returned as she sent an acknowledgement. Stop making me think of Shadow, Wolfgirl; that part of my life is over, done.

Sitting up, she grabbed a small, tan handbag from her table that she had found while purging the wolf paraphernalia from her room. She placed her phone in it and took a ragged breath before standing. Her feet, unused to heels, wobbled as she headed out of her room and towards the front door.

Why do two-l… human females subject themselves to this, again? Well, at least it’s a constant reminder to stay on two feet. She pulled at her dress, trying to adjust it for a few moments, and gave up. Eh, I’m just going to have to deal. Shit, I forgot I don’t have a winter coat.

“Off to the dance, Sophia?” Her dad asked from his chair in the living room in surprise as she clomped to the front closet. “Do boys no longer pick up girls at the door? I didn’t think things had changed that much from when I was datin’.”

Shadow always came to me…

She looked at him and shrugged. “I guess not?”

“Well, he better be a gentleman and have you home right after the dance,” her dad reminded her. “Or you won’t be dating again while you live in this house.” He went back to his drink and the television.

Thanks for the interest in my life.

Sophia rolled her eyes and turned back to the closet, pulling out the warmest coat she could find. It was a little tight and irritatingly pushed the fabric of the dress into her upper back.

It doesn’t have to be this way…

A sudden compulsion caused her to glance out the sliding back door in the dining room at the moonlit hills beyond. She felt oddly disappointed when she found no dark figures in the snowy expanse, and for a moment, she seriously considered giving in to the voice that still pushed her towards the mountains.

But it is how things are meant to be. With a regretful shake of her head, she forced herself to open the front door and step through it. Goodbye, Shadow.

Out on the street, a silver car sat with its lights on. In the driver’s seat, she could see Logan in what looked to be a black tuxedo and white shirt. He waved when he saw her, and she forced herself to return it.

Just be human.

Her legs only grew heavier as she stepped off the porch and trudged towards the waiting vehicle. She shivered as the icy cold air hit her bare legs and penetrated her inadequate coat, but she still couldn’t summon the energy or will to go faster.

It’s what Mom died for me to be.

After what felt like an eternity, she reached the car. Wolfish anxiety at the thought of being potentially trapped in a confined space threatened the detachment she had cultivated, but she quickly quashed it. She lifted the handle for the passenger door with a determined pull and opened the door.

“Good evening,” Logan greeted her as his eyes looked her up and down.”You look… Uhhh, nice.”

Sophia’s eyes' increased sensitivity to motion did not fail to register the brief slip of his smile, nor the twitch in his cheek.

He’s not impressed… I didn’t do enough…

“Hey,” Sophia returned his greeting.

I’m imagining things.

Bending over, she immediately tried to sniff the inside of the car, but only succeeded in sending icy pain shooting up her nose. Her hands reflexively rose to massage her protesting nostrils.

Of all the times…

“Something smell weird?” Logan asked.

“No, not at all,” Sophia replied quickly, still rubbing her nose. “I’m just a little sensitive to the cold today. Probably from the headache yesterday.”

“Ah,” Logan said, and then gestured towards the passenger seat. “Well, it’s warm in here, at least when the door is shut.”

Forget about it. Sophia blinked and shook her head, trying to dispel the lingering pain in her nose and sinuses. Just get in the car.

Before she could embarrass herself further, she forced herself to climb into the passenger seat and shut the door. As soon as the sound of the door closing finished reverberating in her ears, adrenaline ran through her, and she started to panic.

It’s just a car. Her hand gripped the top of her leg tightly as she struggled to regain her sense of detachment. Wolfgirl, please don’t mess this up for me.

“I hope you’re doing better today,” she heard Logan comment. “You looked a little rough yesterday. Did the pill help?”

“Not really,” Sophia answered, her voice feeling as though it belonged to someone else. “It actually got a lot worse after. No idea why, but thanks for trying.”

There, good reply.

“Sorry to hear, headaches really suck,” Logan sympathized and then gestured. “Seatbelt?”

“Oh,” Sophia responded with an embarrassed grin. “Good idea.”

See? Just don’t feel anything, don’t think, and everything will be fine.

She turned her head and bit down on the plastic part of the buckle and pulled. To her chagrin, her teeth slid off the plastic, leaving a small scratch behind.

“Well, that’s certainly one way to do it,” Logan quipped with amusement. “Ooh, I know what you’re doing!”

Damn it, this is embarrassing. Returning her mouth to the buckle, she bit down harder, feeling the plastic warp beneath her fangs. Got it this time.

“Okay, give it to me, Wolfgirl!” Logan said in a singsong voice and then reached across the car. “Give it to me!”

Hmm? Sophia stopped in the confusion with the buckle in front of her, still clenched in her teeth. What is he doing? She looked at him, puzzled. I’m perfectly capable of buckling myself in.

“Let go!” Logan commanded with a chuckle as he grasped the buckle in her mouth. “Be a good girl, Wolfgirl, let go!”

Oh. Sophia felt the blood drain from her face as he tugged on the belt. Oh… She let go of the belt and sank into the seat, trying desperately to find the void again.

“What a good girl!” Logan exclaimed in a silly voice as he guided the belt towards the clasp and then clicked it in. “Uh, be a little gentler, maybe; you put teethmarks in it. Don’t forget this is my parents’ car!”

He thinks I was playing a game? Sophia felt light-headed. Maybe I should just go along with it. 

“Oh, you’re not going to, like, bark or pant?” Logan asked in disappointment. “That’s what the girls always do in the petplay vids. That was fun, though!”

Sophia shrugged shyly even as unease displaced her embarrassment. Just what have I gotten myself into?

“And I certainly didn’t expect it on our first date!” Logan exclaimed giddily as he pulled away from her house. “Just so you know, you can feel comfortable expressing yourself any way you want around me. I know how hard it is to find people who share our, uh, interests.”

“Our interests?” Sophia repeated, and then it dawned on her. “Oh, you’re a furry?”

“Sort of? I mean, I just sort of lurk online,” Logan answered, sounding slightly defensive. “Okay, maybe I chat a little, but it’s not like I have a fursuit or anything.” He glanced at her before hastily adding, “Not that there’s anything wrong with it if you do!”

Great, I’m trying not to act like a wolf, and it’s the very thing he wants. 

“I don’t,” Sophia replied, looking at the floor.

“It seems like something you might enjoy,” Logan said. “Although it would be hard to do your wolf impressions in one. So, maybe not.” When Sophia didn’t respond, he continued on enthusiastically. “I have to say the way you act like a wolf is next level. Like, I’ve seen some petplay stuff, and it’s always so fake and exaggerated, but it’s like you really are a wolf.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Sophia squeaked.

Can I fit under the seat? Or maybe slip through the crack between the seat and backrest?

“How did you learn to do it?” Logan asked.

Shadow appeared in Sophia’s mind’s eye at the question, and she frantically tried to distract herself by looking at Logan. 

Shadow’s fur looked sort of like a tuxedo in the dark. He was so handsome.

“Could we not talk about this right now?” Sophia asked more sharply than she intended.

“Oh, I just assumed you were comfortable with it, since, you know….” Logan said, making a circle with his hand that encompassed Sophia. “Why get the teeth, or act like a wolf if you’re not?” He did a double-take. “Could you… not chew on the belt?”

Sophia released the shoulder safety strap from her mouth and blushed furiously. “Sorry.”

Someone, please, just shoot me.

“It’s a bit of a nervous habit,” she added with a decidedly wolfish chuff.

Why can’t I stop being wolfy?Please, let me stop.

“I get it,” Logan assured her. “But like I said, this is my parents’ car.” He pulled into a parking spot and then looked at her with an expression that made Sophia want to snarl. “You know, we don’t have to be in there quite yet. We could go somewhere, and you could really let your wolf out.”

Is he seriously suggesting we…? Sophia gaped at him.

Logan’s eyes widened. “Not like that! Not like that!” He sputtered.

“I’d rather just go to the dance,” she declined, squirming uncomfortably. “The wolf thing… it really isn’t what you think.”

“Sorry, that really came out wrong,” Logan apologized, his shoulders drooping. 

I never felt humiliated around Shadow. Sophia forced a smile despite her discomfort. He always respected me.

“Can we go in?” She prompted.

“Yeah, good idea!” Logan agreed, taking off his seatbelt. He smirked and then reached towards Sophia’s buckle. “Need help?” He asked playfully.

Not my mate!

The corners of Sophia’s mouth twitched before she caught herself. “No, I’ve got it.”

Wow, I actually wanted to bite him.

Desperate to escape, she quickly undid her own seatbelt with one hand and reached for the door handle with her other.

“Here, let me…” Logan started to say, but Sophia had already opened her door and was climbing through it.

She took a relieved breath as she stood, glad to be outside. The relief didn’t last long, as she immediately tensed at the sound of another car passing behind her. Fear started to percolate as her brain started to take in the metal, glass, and pavement surrounding her.

It’s just a parking lot. Her nose twitched as she struggled to spare herself from the feeling of an icy spike being driven up her nostrils for the second time that night. I’m sure it smells like one, too.

She heard Logan’s door close, and she looked up to see him stepping around his car.

“Shall we head in?” He offered his arm.

Take his arm. Shame and guilt bubbled up, and Sophia hesitated. Stop feeling guilty and just take it. Weakly, she put her hand on it as she found the emotional void again. That’s right, just don’t feel. Don’t think. Just exist.

Logan started walking, and the sense she was a stranger in her own body returned as her legs moved to keep up. With every step towards the school, she allowed herself to sink further into the emptiness, allowing it to swallow up the pain and loneliness that still clawed at her.  Even the increasing numbness in her legs and chattering of her teeth faded before the growing numbness inside of her.

“You okay?” Logan asked as they stepped through the main entrance, and Sophia realized she had audibly choked back a sob.

This is what I want. The words echoed through her mental abyss.

“I’m fine,” Sophia replied rotely, continuing forward.

At some point, she was vaguely aware of someone asking for her coat and robotically handing it to them. Colors, voices, and music seemed to blend together on the edge of her awareness. A little way in, they stopped, and a bright flash partially blinded Sophia. She reflexively stepped back and started to draw her lips into a snarl before she was able to embrace the void again.

“Chill, she’s just taking our picture,” Logan whispered, dropping his arm long enough to grab her hand.

“Have a magical winter night!” The girl who had taken the picture told them. “Pics’ll be online later.” She gestured for them to move on.

This is the way things are meant to be, and there’s no point in fighting it.

“Okay,” Sophia said simply as Logan guided her into the gym.