Chapter 77

“Can we go back to the way things were?” Sophia asked as she buried her face into Shadow’s thick, winter fur. “I miss you.”

‘I’m right here,’ Shadow growled, turning his head to nuzzle her. ‘But don’t you have to be a two-leg? How can you run on four when you run on two?’

“But I don’t want to run on two,” Sophia protested. “I hate it. I hate all of it.”

‘Then come run on four with me,’ Shadow told her.

“I told Candice I would stay on two… and my mother. What will I tell them?”

‘That you belong with me on four.’

“And you think they will accept that?” Sophia asked doubtfully.

Without warning, Shadow stomped a front paw against the rocky ground, producing a loud tap.

“Sophia?”

Shadow wavered and then disappeared as Sophia jerked awake. Confused, she angled her nose to better sniff the air, but only managed to cause the inside of her nostrils to burn. The sound of laughter echoed in her ears from all directions as panic seized her.

Have to get away! Run! Hide! The world started to tilt as she scrambled to get her limbs under her.

Suddenly, she was falling, and the world came fully into focus. Her eyes registered the floor of her Sociology classroom rushing up to meet her, and she flailed to catch herself. Unfortunately, she couldn’t fully get her hand under her in time, and she fell over, landing painfully on her hip and shoulder.

The entire class burst out laughing.

“Goodness me!” Ms. Evans exclaimed, sounding like she was struggling not to crack up herself. “Are you okay?”

Oh, God. I fell asleep in sociology.

Sophia’s face turned hot as she tried to get upright. Rolling, she managed to raise herself onto her hands and feet. Pulling her lips back, she bared her teeth against the loud guffaws that surrounded her. For a moment, she held the position as her brain tried to sort out how something that felt perfectly natural could be the wrong thing to do.

“What are you doing?” Ms. Evans asked in bewilderment.

“I think she wants you to pet her!” Someone answered, sending the entire classroom into hysterics.

No, no, no. 

Mortification enveloped Sophia, and she scrambled to salvage whatever dignity she could and climb back into her desk.

I can’t believe I lost control in front of everyone! Tears ran down her face as she finally slid into her chair. 

“That’s enough, class!” Ms. Evans called out sternly, and the class quieted down. “Now, after… whatever that was, we only have a couple of minutes left. Be sure to get your essays discussing your influences at various stages of your life into my dropbox by tomorrow morning.” She paused and then said quietly, “I’d like to speak to you after class, Sophia.”

Does she think I did this on purpose??? Sophia tried to sink even further into her chair as there were several scattered snickers. Of course she does. Normal people don’t ‘accidentally’ act like wolves.

As Ms. Evans had said, the bell rang, and the rest of the class filed out while Sophia tried to pretend she was invisible. After a few minutes, Sophia was the only student left. She slowly looked up to find the teacher leaning against her desk while looking at her with a troubled expression.

After an uncomfortably long silence, Ms. Evans finally spoke. “Sophia, I don’t mean to embarrass you or make you feel uncomfortable, but is everything okay? What I’ve been seeing from you lately… Well, it has me concerned. And I know I’m not the only one.”

I’m doing my best! Sophia looked down at her hands. Why can’t that ever be good enough?

“I’m sorry about what happened in class,” she said, still looking at her hands. “I… I don’t know why I did that.”

Paws carrying me through the snow… No, stop it…

“It’s not just today. You’ve seemed very… distractible since winter break, and you’ve been missing assignments,” Ms. Evans informed her. “It had gotten better since the beginning of the month, but this week has seemed especially rough for you. Is something troubling you?”

It… has? Sophia tried not to let her surprise appear on her face. I thought I had been doing a better job… apart from today. Just say something to get her to go away.

“I guess… the winter has been getting to me more than I realized.” She finally met her teacher’s eyes. “I’ll work on it.”

Jaws tearing tasty muscle and organs from prey… A shiver ran through her as she tried to bury the unwelcome craving and ignore the fact she was starting to salivate. That’s not for me anymore.

“Ah, a lot of students have trouble with this time of year,” Ms. Evans sympathized. “If it’s affecting you this much, you should really talk to your doctor, though.”

“I suppose,” Sophia agreed reluctantly.

Hah, like I can ever see a doctor again.

“I know you’ll turn things around,” Ms. Evans replied encouragingly. “Alright, be sure to get your essay in to me tonight. Have a great rest of your afternoon!”

“You too,” Sophia responded robotically as she picked up and held her books so tightly, her knuckles turned white.

If only it was just the weather…

Candice was chatting with several other girls, just outside the school entrance, when Sophia finally emerged. Sophia automatically tried to get their scents before the ache in her nose reminded her not to. Before Sophia could say anything, an oddly familiar-looking girl noticed her.

“Oh, it’s her,” the girl commented disdainfully and loud enough for Sophia to hear.

The other girls stopped talking as they turned to look at her.

“Sophia!” Candice exclaimed, waving. “I’d like…”

“Well, I’ll talk to you all later,” the first girl announced and started walking away. “See you, Candice.”

“Oh, okay, night Jill!” Candice replied, clearly fighting disappointment.

The other girls quickly excused themselves and joined Jill. The group hurried away, but not before Sophia overheard several of the girls’ comments.

“There’s just something not right about that girl.”

“It’s the way she moves and looks… It’s freakish.”

“Why does Candice put up with her?”

Sophia slowed as she watched the girls move out of earshot, her legs feeling heavier than they already did. What am I still doing wrong??? 

“I was about to go look for you,” Candice commented as Sophia joined her. “Everything okay?”

“Hey,” Sophia greeted her dejectedly. “Sorry I’m late, Ms. Evans kept me after to talk about some assignments I missed.”

Among other things.

“Ouch,” Candice grimaced. “I didn’t know you had been missing assignments; how many have you missed?”

“Just a couple,” Sophia said evasively as she started walking. “I’ll catch up on Sunday; all I want to think and talk about is the dance.”

“Just a couple?” Candice raised an eyebrow as she fell in next to Sophia. “What about the rest of your classes?”

“I said I would take care of it on Sunday!” Sophia snapped.

“Fine, have it your way,” Candice conceded. “You don’t need to yell at me, though; I’m only trying to help.”

“Then stop reminding me of all the ways I’m failing,” Sophia retorted. “I have everyone else for that. What I need help with is this dance you wanted me to go to.”

Damn it, I really want to bite someone right now.

Candice took a deep breath, held it, and then let it out slowly, before asking, “Did you talk to Logan about Saturday?”

“As a matter of fact, I did,” Sophia answered petulantly. “He’s going to pick me up at my house at 5:30.”

“That’s good,” Candice replied. “So, you’ll need to take the dress and shoes home, then. Are you sure you don’t want my mother to…?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Sophia cut her off. “I don’t need her asking about my… changes.”

Or anything else.

“Yeah, that might be a bit awkward,” Candice agreed. “Hopefully it fits okay.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Sophia replied absently as movement caught her attention.

Looking across the field, she spied a white-furred rabbit hopping across the snow. Without thinking, her tongue flicked up in a vain effort to wet her nose. Excitement welled up in her as she entertained the thought of chasing it. The visage of the white rabbit reminded her of the feeling of fur in her mouth as her teeth had sunk into her first catch, and a thrill ran down her spine. 

First… And last… The exhilaration drained out of her, leaving her feeling empty. Shadow was going to teach me how to hunt…

“You still want it, don’t you,” Candice murmured, shaking Sophia out of her thoughts.

“It doesn’t matter what I want.” Sophia wiped her cheek clean of a few treacherous tears that marred it. “I’m human, and that’s the way it is.”

But why can’t I want to be human???

“Yeah… I guess so,” Candice replied distantly.

The hell?

“You don’t sound very sure,” Sophia said pointedly. “You’re not losing faith in me, are you?”

“No!” Candice answered quickly, her eyes widening. “Of course, I don’t want you to change any more than you have! It’s just…” She trailed off.

“Just what?”

“You’ve just been really unhappy all week,” Candice explained hastily. “I know you had a breakup and all, but it feels like it’s more than that.” She sighed. “You’ve seemed less in control as the week has worn on. No offense, but I’ve been half expecting you to attack someone.”

Sophia came to a sudden halt so fast, the other girl stumbled as she tried to stop.

“Attack someone???” Sophia replied indignantly. “What do you mean ‘less in control?’”

“I mean, you’ve been blowing up or crying over everything,” Candice replied, standing her ground. “Sophia, the only times I’ve seen you calm or happy are when you’re doing something, well, wolfy. I know I’ve been pushing you to go, but maybe a dance so soon isn’t such a good idea. Maybe prom would be better.”

She’s right. The traitorous thought sent her into a rage, and she channeled it outwards.

“You don’t think I can control Wolfgirl!” Sophia accused her. “Maybe you should just have gone with your friends. That’s all they see me as, all anyone sees me as!”

But I am Wolfgirl… Sophia dug her fingers into her backpack straps, and her face pulled into a snarl as the impudent voice whispered again. No! Not anymore!

“I’m going to the dance, with or without your help!" Sophia announced defiantly. “I’ll even face the full moon alone if I have to!”

That’s only next Tuesday… and I haven’t done anything to prepare for it.

“Okay, okay,” Candice said, holding her hands out. “Of course I want to help you. Speaking of the full moon, I didn’t want to tell you until I was absolutely sure, but I think I have a solution for that.”

The rage drained from Sophia immediately, just to be replaced by deep sorrow. Why does that make me want to cry? It’s what I want… What I need…

“Oh?” She croaked. “That’s good news!”

“Well, Patty’s family has a cabin up in the mountains they use for holidays and hunting,” Candice started slowly. 

“Patty???” Sophia asked in shock.

“I keep telling you she isn’t so bad once you get to know her,” Candice smirked. “Anyway, she’s checking to be sure no one will be there next Tuesday, but she’s even willing to drive us after school as long as we leave it exactly as we found it.”

“You didn’t tell her…” Sophia’s eyes widened in panic.

“No, I told her it was for a special school project when she asked,” Candice assured her. “Something it would be best to be away from people for.”

“She believed you?”

“Probably not, but she didn’t press it either,” Candice admitted with a shrug.

“That’s… great news,” Sophia replied. “One less thing to worry about. Thanks so much!”

“Yep, I thought that would cheer you up,” Candice agreed. “Now, let’s go see how that dress looks on you!” She spun and resumed walking at a brisk pace.

Sophia forced a grin and joined her friend, but the deep sadness would not dissipate.

The dress was a little on the large side for Sophia, but Candice managed to conjure up a few safety pins and went to work strategically placing them. After a bit of effort, she managed to make it fit passably on Sophia. She even tracked down the pair of shoes she had selected to wear with the dress.

“They’re a bit tight,” Sophia commented as she wobbled in the shoes.

Gah, will I ever feel comfortable in clothes?

“Good thing they’re only for one night,” Candice told her. “You might want to practice walking around in them, though. They can take some getting used to.” She smirked. “I do want them back, so don’t chew on them or anything.”

Great, now I do want to chew on something. Thanks, Candice.

“Not funny,” Sophia replied acidly as she took a few steps around Candice’s room.

“Sorry,” Candice apologized sheepishly. “I know it’s still pretty raw for you. Uh, no pun intended.”

Sophia didn’t hear her. What’s that smell? She breathed in deeply, and for the first time since that morning, didn’t immediately regret it. I think it’s my dress… and shoes. Excitement stirred within her, and she tilted her head to get her nose closer to her dress. Cool.

“Uh, Sophia?” Candice prompted. “You’re acting wolfy.”

“Hmm?” Sophia looked up, her excitement evaporating. “Oh, I should probably put more of that stuff on.”

Damn it, how did I not realize it was wearing off???

“You sure?” Candice asked. “It’s after school.”

No! Sophia caught herself getting distracted by a new scent. I need to be strong!

“Do you want me to risk changing more?” Sophia asked acerbically, heading over to her backpack. “I don’t think I can control… Wolfgirl without it.”

Maybe I could go without just a little while? Her hands trembled as she opened her backpack’s front compartment. My crotch has stopped feeling weird; maybe I’ve stopped changing. Forcing herself to ignore the voice, she grabbed the balm and quickly applied it. I hate this; I hate this; I hate this.

“You sure there isn’t a limit to how often you should use that stuff?” Candice asked uneasily. “I didn’t think you’d end up using it all the time.”

“Whatever happens is worth it,” Sophia said softly, seizing on the burning sensation in her nose as she tried not to cry. “I also need to see about getting my teeth replaced. Maybe have my ears surgically fixed.” Horror at the very possibility enveloped her, and she bit down hard on her lip. “Do you think there’s a way to change eye color?” Pain radiated from where she had bitten, and she submerged herself in it.

“That seems a little extreme,” Candice commented hesitantly. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” Sophia declared as the taste of blood appeared in her mouth. “I just have to go to the dance, and everything will be great.”

“Sophia…”

“Anyway, I should really get going.” Sophia started tugging off her shoes. “Thanks so much for lending me the dress! I can’t wait to wear it on Saturday! It’s going to be wonderful!”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun,” Candice replied, sounding less than sure. “Do you want to ask my mom to give you a ride…?”

“Why would I need a ride?” Sophia cut her off as she stood and started to slip off the dress. “Nah, I’ll be fine.”

“If you’re sure,” Candice replied, getting off her bed. “Here I’ll get the dress packed up while you get your clothes on.”

Maybe I should have just gone with Candice’s mom. Sophia sourly opened the door to her home with the dress haphazardly draped over an arm. Stupid strange-wo… dogs. No, I’m not interested in “exchanging scents”.

“Sophia?” She was shaken from her thoughts by her dad’s voice.

He’s home? I guess that explains why the lights are on.

“Yeah,” Sophia acknowledged tiredly. “I was at Candice’s.”

There was the sound of footsteps, and her dad stepped into the dining room from the kitchen, his arms folded. With a sudden sense of foreboding, Sophia reflexively tried to read his smell, but got nowhere. Then, she finally looked at his face, and her anxiety went up a notch.

Oh, what is he mad about now? Is he drunk already?

“Is Candice why I got a call today from the school saying you’re behind in all of your classes?” He asked sternly.

They called him? Sophia’s heart stopped. Why would they call him?

“They called you?” She repeated dumbly as she took her jacket and boots off.

“I’m your father, damn right they called me,” he retorted. “Get your ass in the kitchen, we need to talk.”

Why did it have to be now? More tired and frustrated than anxious, Sophia took a seat across from him at the dining room table while he stayed standing. I’m trying to turn everything around; I just need time!

“I can explain,” she started.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed you slippin’ in and out of the house at odd hours,” he interrupted angrily. “I figured as long as you were keepin’ your grades, was none of my business. I’ve even let this…” He gestured towards Sophia’s face. “... vampire nonsense go, even though I’d told you to do something ‘bout it. And since when do you wear a hairband?”

Vampire…?It’s like he doesn’t know me.

“I know I missed some assignments,” Sophia found herself pleading. “The last month has been a bit rough on me, but I’m working really hard to catch up! And Candice has been helping me! She’s not the reason at all!”

“Is it a boy then?” Her dad pressed, puffing his shoulders out. “That why you’ve neglected your classes?”

Sort of?

“No…” Sophia started and then stopped when she noticed movement out of the corner of her eye.

“Then why the hell are you in danger of failin’ half your classes?” Her dad bellowed. “You want to end up homeless?”

What is that? 

Sophia squinted out the window at… something moving across the field. Whatever it was was more movement than shape. 

“The hell you lookin’ at? Something out there?” Her dad asked, turning his head to look outside. “I don’t see nothin’.” He turned back towards her. “I’ve had more than ‘nough of you ignoring me, young lady.”

Oh no.

The movement had coalesced into a shape, a shape running across the field, a shape that looked like…

Shadow! No! Go back!

Instead of the anger she expected from his appearance, all she felt was terror seize her. She quickly looked back at her dad and tried to think of something to distract him.

“I… I…” She stumbled over her words. “I got a little depressed, and… and missed some assignments, but I’m working really hard! I swear!” Her eyes started to drift back towards the approaching wolf, but she quickly snapped them back to focus on her dad. “Candice isn’t distracting me; she’s been trying to help me!”

He killed my mother… She tried to tell herself, but without any conviction.

“I want you home from now on, ‘til your grades are back up,” her dad told her. “If Candice wants to help, it can be here.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Shadow stopped running at the edge of the field and her yard. It took all her effort not to run out to him.

If anyone on this side of the street looks out their window…

She lost her battle of wills and looked directly at Shadow as he stood outside, staring at her. His ears and head were lowered in a submissive pose, and seeing him like that tore a hole in her heart.

“Now what?” Her dad barked, turning to look out the sliding doors. “Is that… a wolf?!”

No… No… Sophia shook her head. I can’t! Just please go!

“Damn it, I’m callin’ the sheriff, maybe they can be useful for once,” her dad said, moving to grab his phone on the table. “Can’t have wolves gettin’ this close to town.”

“What? No!!!” Sophia screeched, bolting up out of her chair.

“Do it myself if I had a rifle,” her dad replied. “I don’t like the havin’ the sheriff here any more than you.”

“Please, just let him go,” she begged.

“Nope, this wolf needs takin’ care of,” her dad told her as he picked up his phone. “I never understood you and your mother’s thing for wolves…”

Something in her snapped.

“I SAID, LET. HIM. GO!!!” She yelled as her eyes blazed and she put her entire being into the fiercest snarl she had ever made.

Go for the throat. Her entire body coiled like a spring, ready to move, to kill. That’s the quickest…

“The fuck?” Her dad froze in shock, the phone falling from his hand.

Outside, Shadow looked away from the house back towards the trees. As he did, the moon came out from behind a cloud, illuminating the field. Bounding across it was another wolf. Shadow looked at Sophia mournfully one last time before turning and running. The other wolf ran at him and snapped at him before stopping and looking towards the lit houses.

She’s looking at me. Sophia’s heartbeat pounded in her ears as Shadow’s mother’s furious eyes pierced her.

Then, Shadow’s mother turned and ran after her son, and Sophia let a breath go she hadn’t even known she was holding. Her eyes met her dad’s, and then she was running from the room.

I love you, Shadow, and I’m so, so sorry. But I can’t.