Chapter 76

“You asked Logan Fairlie to the dance???” Candice repeated excitedly as the two walked out of the school’s main entrance. “What did he say?!”

“Shhh!” Sophia shushed her friend self-consciously and then said quietly, “he said yes!”

I should be thrilled, instead, I want to throw up. She inhaled the outdoor air, trying to find something to relieve the tightness in her chest and queasiness in her stomach, but still couldn’t smell anything through the balm. And not just because of the spaghetti. Erg.

“EEEEEEE!!!” Candice squealed and bounced a few times as she walked. “OhmyGod! I’m so excited! We’re going to be at the dance together! I can’t wait!”

“Yeah, it’ll be fun!” Sophia tried to echo her friend’s enthusiasm.

At least she’s excited. A boy brushed past, and she barely stifled the urge to growl at him. I just want to go home and stop existing for the rest of the night.

“Have you gotten tickets yet? Tomorrow is the last day!” Candice babbled on. “We’ll have to find you a dress! There isn’t enough time to order one, but maybe Bruin’s has one that’ll work. I’ve always thought you looked best in blue, but maybe red would work? Maybe you could use one of mine; you’re not that much taller than me. Of course, we’ll have to find shoes and get your hair done! Oh! And nails! Maybe you could go with me on Saturday morning? I can see if they can get you in with me.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Sophia shook her head, a touch overwhelmed by her friend’s exuberance. “I can’t really afford to get my hair done anyway.”

“Neither can I!” Candice replied. “But it’s a dance! We’ll have memories for the rest of our lives! Besides, when was the last time you had a haircut?”

The rest of our lives… Sophia self-consciously adjusted the headband covering her ears as a sense of despair settled on her. I can’t run on all fours, hunt, or be myself for the rest of my life.

“Sorry!” Candice apologized sheepishly. “I forgot about your ears.”

“It’s… it’s not that, well, not all of it,” Sophia told her. “It’s just been a rough couple of days, and I’m really tired.”

Was it really just yesterday? She looked at the distant mountains and trees, trying to ignore the yearning she still felt.  It feels like a lifetime ago already. Do I really have to do this every day?

“What exactly happened yesterday?” Candice asked, turning serious. “I’m all for you ‘staying human,’ but that was quite the unexpected turn around. And seeing you today… You look absolutely wrecked. I wasn’t even sure you would make it to school this morning, let alone last the day.”

Mom… Shadow… A tear made its way down Sophia’s cheek, and she quickly walled off her grief before it consumed her. I have to learn to put it behind me, or I’ll never be able to overcome this… curse.

“I’m not ready to talk about it,” she finally replied.

“Well, I’ll be here when you are,” Candice promised, placing a hand on Sophia’s shoulder.

She’s trying to show dominance. Sophia bristled at the sudden touch before catching herself. No, that’s Wolfgirl talking; she’s showing support. Now, what’s the proper response? Bending towards the hand, she gave it an appreciative lick. That feels right.

Sophia’s sense of triumph didn’t last long as Candice recoiled and withdrew her hand.

“In the meantime, we’ll have to work on shaking some of those wolf habits,” Candice mused.

“What do you mean?” Sophia asked in confusion.

“I don’t think Logan will like it if you lick him,” Candice commented dryly and then giggled. “Well, maybe he would. Guys seem to like that sort of thing.”

“Oh.” Sophia’s face started to grow warm, and she looked around to see if anyone had seen. “I’m trying!”

I can’t even remember how people are supposed to act!

“Don’t worry about it,” Candice assured her. “I mean, you’ve been acting like a wolf for what, a couple of months?”

Sophia nodded.

“It’s going to take time to kick those habits you developed. Besides, wolves don’t nod or cry,” Candice pointed out with a giggle. “Or blush, for that matter. You’re still human and only need a little time to sort yourself out. It will get easier.”

Sophia sniffed and dried her cheek with a sleeve. “You think so?”

“I know so!” Candice predicted cheerily.

Despite Candice’s assurances and support, as Monday became Tuesday, and Tuesday stretched into Wednesday, the more Sophia’s wolfish side seemed to defy her attempts to tame it. Far from helping her stay focused, her chemically suppressed sense of smell left her increasingly frustrated and anxious. Meanwhile, the dissonance she felt between what her body reported and her brain expected only seemed to worsen as the week wore on.

Every time she caught a glimpse of the forests and mountains, it became harder to hold back an onrush of painful memories and emotions. People frequently asked her why she was crying when she hadn’t even realized she had been. She barely kept it together long enough to politely decline when Katie reminded her of the Outdoors Club skating event. As soon as the other girl had left, Sophia retreated to a restroom stall where she broke down sobbing for an entire class period. 

During her work shift Tuesday night, her mind wandered off on multiple occasions, and it was only a customer’s confused prompting that reminded her of where she was. On Wednesday night, she reflexively bared her teeth when she had been interrupted during a few such episodes. At home, she found herself unable to focus on her homework, instead staring (or sniffing) blankly at the now empty walls and shelves in her room. By Thursday morning, even Candice’s cheery optimism was showing signs of strain.

“You know, if you’re not up for the dance, it’s okay to cancel,” Candice commented as they walked to school. “I know this week has been really hard…”

“Why would you even think I wouldn’t want to?” Sophia growled. “Am I not acting human enough?”

Stop, Wolfgirl! I’m not going to go hunting! Sophia forced herself to look away from a small rabbit scampering across the snow-covered field next to the high school that had caught her attention. That’s not what humans do!

“No! That’s not… I mean, you are…” Candice hastened to assure her.

“Then what’s the problem?” Sophia snapped. “I’m doing what you wanted, unless it’s that you don’t want to look at dresses after school with me.”

“Relax, I’m just worried about how stressed you’re getting.” Candice sighed. “We can still go shopping if you really want, but I found one of mine that might work. I haven’t actually worn it, and I think it would look great on you. Here, I took a picture last night.” 

She took out her phone, tapped on it, and then handed it to Sophia. On the screen was a photo of a simple blue dress with spaghetti straps hanging on the back of Candice’s door.

“That’s pretty…” Sophia commented.

“It’ll probably be a little… uh, loose on you.” Candice’s face briefly turned pink. “But my mom knows how to make adjustments. I’m sure if I asked, she’d be willing to help.”

Panic rose in Sophia at the idea of interacting with Candice’s mother.

“That’s okay, I’m sure it’ll… Oops.” Sophia quickly tried to hand the phone back to Candice, but it slipped out of her hand and fell to the sidewalk.

“No harm done,” Candice said in relief.

I’ve been dropping everything; it’s like I forgot how to hold objects!

“You’d think they’d make them easier to hold onto,” Sophia griped.

“You’d think,” Candice agreed smoothly as she put the phone away. “Anyway, maybe you can find some shoes that will work. I think we have around the same shoe size.”

Is she trying to keep me out of stores?Am I that embarrassing?

“Fine,” Sophia answered.

“Have you talked to Logan about how you're meeting up for the dance?” Candice asked.

Stop thinking of Shadow every time Logan’s name comes up!

“Oh, uh, no,” Sophia hastened to reply. “I just assumed we’d meet at the high school and go in together.”

“You should probably make sure he knows that.”

“I guess.”

“Have you… Talked to him much at all since Monday?”

Have we? Sophia looked at the sidewalk uncomfortably. I remember he talked to me yesterday, but I don’t remember what he said.

“Of… of course,” Sophia replied unconvincingly.

Candice gave her a skeptical look.

“Well, a little, I think,” Sophia stammered before her temper flared. “Why is it any of your business, anyway? You pushed me to try dating a human male, and that’s what I’m doing.”

Candice stared at her for a moment before looking away and mumbling, “That’s not exactly what I meant.”

“Well, what did you mean?” Sophia demanded.

Why isn’t anything I do ever enough?

“Just forget it,” Candice muttered. “I’m sorry I said anything.”

They walked the rest of the way to school in stony silence.

He’s cute, I think. Sophia studied Logan during English. At least, I remember thinking he was… back before everything. She forced a smile when he noticed her looking, and he grinned back before snapping his head forward. But it was never like what I felt when I first met… him.

She clenched her pen tightly and turned her gaze to the whiteboard as she tried to distract herself from the sudden ache in her heart.

God, my stomach. It’s like I’m both starving and never want to eat again. Eating like a normal person hasn’t gotten any easier. She started to anxiously doodle in her notebook. It’s only a few days until I’m going to start getting really hungry. How am I going to survive that if I can’t handle regular food?

The phantom taste of deer appeared in her mouth, and she caught herself salivating as she remembered her last wolfish meal.

Why can’t I feel disgust, like everyone else? Like when Shadow brought me that first rabbit. Instead of evoking the sought-after emotion, a feeling of deep sadness washed over her at the memory. He was always ready to share with me, even when it meant he wouldn’t have enough. She shook her head. Stop thinking about him! You promised you’d stay human.

When she looked down, she saw she had unwittingly doodled the crude outline of a wolf. With a frustrated cry, she viciously scribbled it out.

“Sophia, is everything alright?” Ms. Linden asked, turning away from the whiteboard.

Sophia slowly looked around the room to find everyone staring at her. The moment was made all the worse when she felt muscles on the side of her head twitch uselessly as they tried to flatten her ears in shame.

Someone kill me already. 

“Sorry,” she squeaked. “Uh, could I be excused to use the restroom?”

“If it can’t wait,” Ms. Linden nodded, pointing at the hall pass.

Sophia got up and headed for the classroom door. On her way out, a dark-haired boy with greasy hair made a quiet mock howl as she passed.

“Shut up,” she muttered as she felt tears forming. “Please, just shut up.”

Ugh, I want to bite something so bad. Sophia set her forehead on her arms as she tried to relax after settling into her biology desk. All I can think about is how wrong being human feels. The more I try, the more I mess everything up. She took in a ragged breath. Everything hurts so much, and no one will leave me alone.

“You okay?” A voice boomed from above her as a hand touched her shoulder.

Sophia snapped her head up from her biology desk to find Logan standing over her.

Two-leg! Threat! She tried to throw herself back while opening her mouth into a warning snarl. No! Wait!

Logan took a surprised step back, bumping into the desk behind him. “Whoa, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

I screwed up… again. Shame washed through Sophia at her latest failure to control her lupine side. I’m sorry, Mom.

“Sorry,” Sophia apologized miserably, fighting the urge to run. “I’m really stressed.”

“I can tell,” Logan commented dryly as he set his books down on his desk. “If it’s about the dance, we could always skip that and just hang out or something.”

Sophia’s eyes widened as her chest tightened in panic.

“No!” Sophia blurted out. “I mean, why would you want to do that?” 

“You’ve seemed really on edge since Monday,” he explained nervously. “And, to be honest, you haven’t quite seemed like yourself. Maybe the dance is too much for a first date. There’s still prom and...”

“It’s not!” Sophia blurted out. “I… I…”

Need to do this to stay human? Make Candice happy?

“I really do want to go to the dance… with you!” She finished desperately. “Please!”

“Okay, okay, if you’re sure that’s what you want.” He seemed to relax and grinned. “My parents said they’d let me borrow their car; I could pick you up on Saturday.”

Sophia inwardly flinched at the thought of being confined in a car for even a short time, but tried not to let it show on her face. 

“That would be really sweet!” She tried to look delighted. “What time?”

“I was thinking 5:30?” Logan suggested. “Does that work for you?”

“Perfect!” Sophia exclaimed, tightening her grip on her leg.

“Great, I’m looking forward to it!”

“Me too!” Sophia replied, trying to ignore that the room felt like it was spinning.