Chapter 75: Memories

“What have you done to yourself, Sophia?” 

Sophia awoke to her mother’s voice and the rich, coppery scent of blood. Opening her eyes, she frantically clambered onto her paws. The air of her room was freezing despite her heavy pelt.

“You’ve let yourself become an animal. A beast.”

Pivoting, Sophia yelped in shock as she found her mother sitting on the foot of her bed, her white blouse covered in blood. Her mother’s right hand was cupped around the left side of her neck, and her eyes bored into Sophia.

“You did this to me,” her mother whispered sorrowfully.

“No!” Sophia protested. “I…”

Before Sophia could finish denying it, her mother withdrew her hand. Blood poured from a gaping wound in her neck, further soaking her clothes and the bed. Sophia tried to scream, but found her own muzzle filled with blood, and no sound came out.

Sophia jerked awake with a shriek, kicked the blankets off her body, and scrambled desperately to the head of her bed. Her heart pounded in her chest as she looked for the macabre apparition she was sure was at the other end.

Nothing was there.

She found no blood in her mouth, no metallic scent in her room. Nor was she a wolf who had just chased away the only person to have stood by her these last few months as in an earlier nightmare. There was just the dim light of dawn streaming through her window… and the sound of her alarm clock.

Alarm. Bedroom. School. 

Reaching out with a shaking arm, she shut it off. Bringing her arm back, she reflexively started licking at something cold and scratchy that had rubbed against her skin during the motion. Her body froze as her tongue touched fabric, and the reality of the previous twenty-four hours came crashing down on her.

Oh God, that all wasn’t a dream, was it? Her chest suddenly felt tight and tears clouded her vision. Shadow… Mom…

She forced herself to stop licking the nightgown she had worn to bed, her first pajamas in weeks. It was damp with sweat and the sensation of it clinging to her skin only amplified the chaos swirling inside of her. Despite her resolve to be human the night before, the sensation of the cloth felt like chains weighing her down. For a moment, she thought she was going to start crying, but nothing came out.

He… Shadow killed Mom.

Hugging her legs, she looked around her room. In a fit of rage and despair, the night before, she had stripped her room of anything to do with wolves and stuffed it all in her closet. Now, the bare walls and empty surfaces seemed to taunt her. Looking at her bedside table, she soberly confirmed that she had indeed ripped out every drawing from her sketchpad.

I thought I knew… Her chest grew tighter, and she felt nauseous. I’m sorry, Mom. I felt so happy, so sure I was meant to be a wolf that I forgot everything you had worked so hard for. And he… he… Despite the anger she tried to summon at the wolf, all she felt was a desperate loneliness. How can I miss him so much after knowing he took her from me?

Her heart wept as she remembered his gentle presence, and doubt started to gnaw at her.

He… he… seemed so sad, so guilty, and I never gave him a chance to explain. Maybe it was an accident? The first glimmer of hope appeared, and she clung to it. His mother said he “smelled my scent”...

Her phone beeped next to her, and she glanced at it, but was too engrossed in her thoughts to grab it. Instead, she fixed her eyes on the bedpost in the corner where her mother had sat in her dream.

Was he looking for me? How would he have known what I smelled like? She pushed her tongue against her inhuman canines. Shadow said my scent had wolf in it even before the Halloween Party. But if it was my scent that brought him to Mom… Her blood ran cold as a cruel understanding hit her. Oh God, Mom died because of this… this… curse inside me. She died because of me.

Her head swam as guilt tore at her, and she forced herself to look at her mirror. Her gold colored eyes stared back at her, and she could see the pointed tip of an ear poking out of her hair. Most damning of all wasn’t the visible changes, however, but the strongly lupine-tinged human scent suffusing her room.

Why does being a two-l… human have to feel so wrong? Frustrated, she snarled at her reflection, which only accentuated her lupine aura. Even now, I can’t stop acting like a wolf. Despair took her, and she fell back against her pillow. How do I put Wolfgirl back in a cage?

Just then, her phone started throwing a fit on her nightstand. Shaking herself, she turned towards it and reached out to grasp it roughly. Bringing it over, she checked to see who was calling.

Candice. She flipped the phone open and brought it to her ear. I can’t do this without her, but am I a danger to her too?

“Hi Candice,” she answered, trying to sound chipper.

“Oh good,” Candice’s relieved voice came over the speaker. “I’ve been trying to message you this morning and wasn’t getting a response. I figured you could use some help with, well, you know.” Her voice took on her trademark cheeriness. “Ready for the first day of the rest of your life?”

“You’re still moving like you’re going to attack someone,” Candice observed as they walked to school. “And your face is kind of tight.”

“What exactly do you want me to do about it?” Sophia snapped and then pulled her lips into a grin. “Is this better?”

“Okay, that looks even weirder,” Candice replied, grimacing. “I don’t understand how you could have normal-looking expressions a couple months ago and then just lose them.”

Because I let myself become Wolfgirl. Sophia dropped the expression, the corner of her mouth twitching from frustration. 

“We’ll work on that later.” Candice made a dismissive motion. “You’re wearing the balm, right?”

The disorienting dullness to the air and stinging in Sophia’s nostrils from the menthol became acute at the reminder. She hadn’t put enough on to completely block her sense of smell, but the reduction still made her feel vulnerable and oddly clumsy.

How did I get around the world before?

“Yes,” she replied miserably. “I was starting to get used to it, thank you very much.”

Eyes, tw- humans rely on their eyes.

“Hey, I’m trying to help, like you asked,” Candice pointed out.

“I know, and I’m sorry. How could I have let this get so far?” Sophia asked, fighting back tears. “I know how I’m supposed to behave, but I have to think about it, and it feels wrong.”

“Just take it one step at a time,” Candice encouraged her. “How’s the hairband feel?”

I hate it. Sophia self-consciously touched the hairband Candice had lent her to cover the tips of her ears.

“I’m getting used to it,” she lied.

A small bird flew overhead, and her tongue flicked up towards her nose as she watched it land on the high school roof.

Too small to bother with.

“Try not to do that,” Candice whispered as she elbowed Sophia gently.

Sophia looked at her in confusion. “Do what?”

“Licking your upper lip. You know,” Candice mimicked the action. “Like this.”

“I didn’t…” Sophia started to protest and registered the feeling of moisture on her upper lip. “Oh, I didn’t even notice…”

“That’s what I’m here for,” Candice told her as they turned towards the school entrance. “By the way, tomorrow is the last day to get tickets for the dance on Saturday. I really think it would help if you went. You don’t even need to go with anyone if you want to just hang out.”

Sophia tensed as she eyed the small crowd of students entering the school. There’s nothing to worry about. They’re just tw- other people.

“I don’t know…” Sophia forced herself to fix her eyes on Candice.

“Just give it a shot,” Candice encouraged her as they walked through the school entrance. “The best way to keep your mind off things is to be brave, try new experiences.”

“I’ll think about it,” Sophia conceded.

“All I can ask for, I guess.” Candice slowed down as they approached her hall. “I’m going to be busy all week during lunch, but if you need anything, come find me.” She stopped walking and turned towards Sophia, her mouth working like she was about to add something.

Sophia tensed as Candice suddenly lurched towards her and threw her arms around her. It’s just a hug, Wolfgirl.

“I’m so happy you’ve changed your mind,” Candice murmured, sounding emotional. “You have no idea how worried I’ve been.”

“I’m sorry I worried you,” Sophia whispered, her stomach twisting into knots as she returned the hug. “No more Wolfgirl, just Sophia.”

“I’m holding you to that, now,” Candice said, letting go of Sophia. “You hear?”

“I’ll be okay,” Sophia told her, forcing back the urge to lick her friend. “I promise.”

It shouldn’t be this hard to be human. 

Sophia tightly clutched the balm with a shaking hand as she sat at her biology desk. Her earlier hopes that it would get easier to keep ‘Wolfgirl’ locked up were rapidly dwindling, and every failure to ‘be human’ just seemed to make it easier to slip up again. The worst part, though, was the frequency she caught herself yearning for the trees and mountains… or the presence of a certain wolf. It had been a constant battle between either keeping herself from breaking down into tears or losing her temper at the smallest irritant all day. 

I’m more than halfway through the day. She uncapped the balm and brought it under her nose. Just hold it together for a few more hours.

“Sophia?”

“What???” She snapped as her hand jerked, smudging the balm against her skin. “Fuck!”

Freezing pain shot up into her nose, and she threw down the balm and snarled at it before she could stop herself.

“Sophia!” Ms. Collins scolded sharply from the front, sounding scandalized. “Language!”

Sophia’s ears tried to flatten themselves in embarrassment, which just added another failure to the pile.

“I was just telling you your hairband looked nice,” Logan told her as he sat down. “Rough day?”

“You might say that,” Sophia replied sharply, trying to remove some of the excess balm from her lip.

Fuck, why’d I force myself to eat that spaghetti for lunch?There have to be better ways to fight this stupid curse.

“Want to talk about it?” Logan offered.

“No, not really.”

Relax, Wolfgirl. Wiping the balm on the leg of her jeans, she fought her desire to get down on all fours and snarl at the boy. Why am I feeling so threatened by people today? I thought I had that under control.

“Well, if you need someone to unload on, I’m here.” Logan leaned back in his chair. “It can only get better from here, at least, right?”

Her stomach gurgled unhappily. No, it can get a whole lot worse. 

“My life is just shi…” She glanced anxiously at Ms. Collins. “Sucky. Someone might not be who I thought they were.”

But you know he is… Sophia clawed at the knee of her jeans as she struggled to banish the treasonous thought. No! I don’t want to hurt Candice!

“Ah,” Logan replied sympathetically. “That blows, people can really disappoint you sometimes.”

What if I’m the disappointment?

“Of course, it’s the worst when it’s someone you’re close to,” Logan added.

And still love. A rising tide of grief and guilt threatened to sweep her away.

“It’s hard,” Sophia agreed quietly, her eyes starting to get misty. “Makes you question everything you thought you knew, what the right thing to do is.”

She focused on the physical ache in her nose and tried to channel the ache in her heart into it.

“True, but it makes those who stick by you even more valuable,” Logan said sagely.

I’m the one abandoning him, but if I don’t, I’m betraying Mom and Candice. Sophia pushed her tongue against her small fangs as the image of Shadow looking broken and guilt-ridden flashed through her mind. The wolf in me got Mom killed; I can’t go back to him.

As she felt that storm start to top the levees she had constructed to contain it, she flailed desperately for the only high ground nearby.

“I know this is short notice,” she blurted out in a strained voice. “And this is probably completely inappropriate, but would you like to go to the dance with me on Saturday?”

Shadow: Gift Art from Kouwolf