Chapter 74

An avalanche of memories overtook Sophia as she ran.

“Mom, I want to be a wolf when I grow up,” Sophia announced, interrupting her mother.

She must have been five or six at the time, but she remembered the moment well. It had been nighttime, and her mother had been reading to her – something about wolves, naturally – as Sophia lay in her bed. In the memory, her mother looked much as she had when Sophia had last seen her, although she must certainly have lacked any sign of gray in her hair at the time.

At first, her mother had simply stopped reading and stared at the book in her lap, and Sophia feared she had said something wrong. At last, her mother took a deep breath and then looked up at Sophia with her lips pulled into a smile.

“A wolf?” Her mother repeated. “That’s an interesting job to want.”

“Not as a job,” Sophia corrected. “I want to be one.”

“Why do you want to be a wolf?” Her mother prodded gently.

Sophia contemplated the question and then shrugged. “I just do. Can I be one?”

Her mother looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well, becoming a wolf might be a bit tough, seeing as you’re a little girl, but there are jobs that work with them. Maybe we could read about some of them tomorrow.”

“But I don’t want to work with wolves; I want to be a wolf,” Sophia insisted.

Her mother had reached out to take Sophia’s small hand, and Sophia had been surprised to find it trembling slightly. 

“I know. The heart often wants many things, but sometimes it can’t have what it wants. It’s best if we learn to accept that and pursue what it can have.” She laughed. “Besides, if you were a wolf, I wouldn’t be able to read to you or tuck you in at night.”

“I guess,” Sophia had conceded in disappointment. “What jobs are there with wolves?”

“Tomorrow,” her mom told her, and then kissed her on the forehead. “It’s time for both pups and little girls to go to sleep.”

Sophia’s mind briefly clawed its way above the river of memories. She was still running, still following her footprints home. Her lungs burned, her legs ached, and she was half-blind from tears, but she continued to run. It wasn’t long before she was submerged in memory once again.

“Sophia, I got a call from school that you bit a boy at recess today,” her mother announced sternly as they sat down for dinner. “What on Earth brought that on?”

“She bit someone???” Her dad exclaimed in shock. “Sophia…!”

A glance and shake of her mother’s head cut him off.

“He called me ‘wolf-girl’,” Sophia replied defensively. “And said I was an animal.”

“So you… bit him… like a wolf?” Her mother asked incredulously.

“He was being mean and calling me names!” Sophia argued. “I was waiting my turn for the slide, and he said I was a wolf-girl and animals don’t belong on slides.”

“Well, that certainly wasn’t very nice of him,” her mother agreed. “I’m sure that made you feel awful.”

“It did!” Then Sophia added, “Well, being called ‘wolf-girl’ doesn’t really bother me, I guess. Some of the other kids have called me that, and I don’t bite them!”

“It was being told you shouldn’t be on the slide, right?”

“Mmm hmm,” Sophia confirmed through a mouthful of macaroni and cheese.

“Might there have been better ways to handle it, though?”

Sophia swallowed before replying, “I guess I could have told a teacher.”

“That’s definitely what little humans should do,” her mother replied and then sighed. “Even if they’re wolf-girls at heart.”

Sophia was torn out of the memory as the ground unexpectedly dipped, and she went sprawling into the snow with a grunt. Too exhausted to push herself up, she just lay where she had fallen.

I’m sorry, Mom. Falling tears left small pinpricks in the snow beneath her eyes. I’ve been so lonely and lost since you died. You were the only one who understood me.

A sharp pain radiated from her lip, and she smelled blood. Running her tongue over the spot, she found she had bitten her lower lip when she had fallen. The bottom of her tongue brushed one of her lower fangs, and she recoiled.

Oh, what have I done? She buried her face in the snow as she started sobbing. This isn’t what she wanted for me!

At last, the sting of cold snow against her face became too much, and she rolled onto her back. As she stared at the sky, she recalled the last time she had spoken to her mother.

A knock at her bedroom door brought Sophia’s head up from her sketchbook.

“Sophia?” Her mother’s voice came through the door. “Can I come in? I want to talk to you.”

Sophia sighed and set her sketchbook down on her bed before answering, “Yeah, sure.”

The knob rotated, and her door’s hinges squeaked as it was slowly opened. Her mother stood in the doorway, a worried look on her face. She met Sophia’s eyes and smiled gently, but the worry didn’t go away. Walking in, she came and sat down on Sophia’s bed.

“What are you up to?” Her mother asked, glancing at the sketchpad.

“Just drawing,” Sophia answered, bristling.

“That’s a beautiful wolf,” she complimented. “You’ve become quite an amazing artist. Oh, and is that the outline of another wolf in the trees? Is it hiding?”

Sophia’s face warmed, and she looked at the back of her legs. “I guess.” She quickly changed the subject. “What’s up?”

Her mom sighed. “Sophia, I’m worried. You’ve either been shutting yourself in your room or disappearing for long walks outside. I haven’t seen you do anything with Candice in almost a month.” She had put her hand on Sophia’s leg, Sophia remembered. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Mom,” Sophia replied petulantly. “And I see Candice at school; she’s just been busy afterwards. You know how she is.”

Her mom laughed. “Yes, that girl always has to be in the middle of everything. But, still, you two used to be like this.” She raised her hand with her fingers crossed tightly. “And that doesn’t explain why you’re avoiding everyone else. Or why you haven’t been getting your schoolwork done.” Her mother had put her hand back on Sophia’s knee. “You know you can tell me anything.”

Sophia swallowed, looking out the window anxiously.

“I know, Mom,” she started. “It’s just… I don’t know how to explain it…”

“Try,” her mother had encouraged.

“It’s just I feel like I don’t belong here, like I belong out there, somehow.”

Her mother had taken a moment to respond, but when she did, there was a slight quiver in her voice. “The teenage years are always difficult. It’s normal not to…”

“I’ve always felt that way,” Sophia had interrupted. “You know that. But the feeling has gotten much stronger in the last month, and so have the dreams.”

“The wolf dreams?” Her mother asked.

“Mmm hmm,” Sophia confirmed. “I know it’s silly, but sometimes when I dream, I’m a wolf, and it feels right, like that’s how it should be. Then I wake up, and my body feels all wrong. Even when I’m fully awake, like now, I feel like I belong out there.” She gestured towards her window.

Her mom sat silently for a time, her eyes unfocused. Finally, after Sophia started to worry she was about to be dragged in front of a psychiatrist, her mother took her hand and squeezed it.

“The wolf you were drawing… the one hidden in the trees, was he in your dreams, too?” She asked quietly.

Sophia blinked in surprise. “Um, yes, how did you know it was a he…?”

Her mother had glanced away nervously before answering, “Sophia, try to ignore these feelings as best you can. I know it’ll be tough, but it’s for the best.”

“What?” Sophia asked in confusion. “Why?”

“You’re just going to have to trust me,” her mom had said, wiping her eyes. “What you should be doing is focusing on school, especially if you want to go into forestry or zoology.”

“But…” Sophia started to protest.

“Here, give me a day, and we can talk about it more tomorrow night, okay?” Her mother had stopped her. “Just know that I love you more than anything and want you to be happy.”

“I love you too, Mom,” Sophia replied, befuddled as she returned her mother’s hug. “But…”

“Tomorrow,” her mother had interrupted her as she had started towards the door. “Get your homework done.”

A mournful howl echoing through the trees brought her out of the memory. Shadow’s lament pulled desperately at her heart, and nearly pulled her from the pit of confusion, grief, and anger she was in. Then, it was cut off, and her final memory of her mother re-solidified.

But she never came home the next day or ever again… Because of him.

Lifting a gloved hand up, she wiped her cheeks free of tears. Strength started to return to her limbs, and she sat back up. She looked around at the snow-covered forest surrounding her and then up at the darkening sky. The smells of the forest were still there, of course, as was the desire to get onto four paws and investigate them. But all of that was distant, now, across a yawning chasm that had appeared in her heart.

She tried to protect me, didn’t she? She knew there was something different about me. And as soon as she was gone, I nearly threw everything away for... She choked back another sob. Did Shadow know? Was this some twisted plan of his?Well, I’m done. Done with him and done with wolves. Sophia ran her tongue over her fangs. I may have started changing, but it’s not too late; I can still choose. Still be what my mother was raising me to be.

Clenching her teeth in determination, she forced herself onto her feet and started the trudge home.

I know what I need to do.

“Sophia?” Candice’s worried voice came over the phone. “Are you okay?”

Sophia had prepared a script in her head on the way home, but as soon as she heard Candice’s voice, it seemed to evaporate like a fine mist in the wind.

“I can’t do it.” Sophia’s voice cracked as she walked across the field behind her house. “I’m not a wolf; I should have listened. To you, to my mother.”

“What?!?” Candice asked in shock. “What happened?”

“Shadow… he…” Sophia couldn’t finish as a fresh wave of emotion overwhelmed her. “I feel so stupid. I’m just a silly girl chasing after foolish dreams she shouldn’t have.”

“I’m here for you,” Candice assured her. “Do you need me to come over?”

“I…” Sophia could still smell the blood on her lip. “No, not right now.”

“Did Shadow hurt you?” Candice’s voice grew angry. “I told you he was just an animal. I swear, I’m going to turn him into a coat…”

“No, it’s not that,” Sophia interrupted hastily, regaining her composure. “I don’t think I can talk about it yet, though.” She plowed on before the agony in her chest could stop her. “I don’t want to be a wolf anymore. Not a werewolf either, just human.” 

She quickly forced down her horror at the words coming out of her mouth. I’m going to finish high school, go to college, get married, and have human children. That’s all Mom wanted for me.

“Oh, okay,” Candice replied, still clearly trying to find her mental footing.

“But I’m going to need your help,” Sophia told her.

“Of course! Anything!” Candice promised. “You just have to avoid acting like a wolf to stop changing, right? That shouldn’t be so hard.”

Don’t act like a wolf, sure.Easy. Sophia swallowed, stumbling under the cognitive strain of trying to walk on two legs and hold a phone. But how do I know when I’m acting like a wolf?

“Right,” Sophia agreed. “That’s what that guy said. But the full moon is in almost a week! What am I going to do about that?”

“We have a week; we’ll think of something,” Candice told her, excitement starting to infiltrate her voice. “Hmm, I wonder…”

“You have an idea?” Sophia asked hopefully.

“Let me get back to you on that,” the other girl said. “You focus on ignoring whatever instincts you might have. Like, wanting to eat animals or raw meat. I still can’t believe you’ve done that, by the way. Eww!”

Like the deer I helped Shadow hunt yesterday… Her knees wobbled as she shoved the memory from her mind. No! 

It was too late; she could feel another round of tears coming as she reached her front door. Taking a breath, she tried to keep herself together a little longer.

“Hey, I’m home and feeling much better now,” she lied. “Thanks for listening; I think I’ll be okay the rest of the night and can talk more about it tomorrow.”

“Are you sure?” Candice asked skeptically. “You don’t…”

“Yep!” Sophia answered, stifling a sob. “I should get cleaned up and do my homework.”

“Well, okay, call me if you need me.” Candice sounded unconvinced. “We’ll get you through this!”

“Bye!” Sophia ended the call just before a loud sob wracked her.