Imperfect Desires

What does it feel like to be underwater?

No matter how much you hold your breath, the desperation will make you inhale. And there, you won't find the oxygen to fill your lungs but instead, it'd be briny water that'll invade your body. The coolness invading your body would tire you out. The helpless struggle of trying to see the sky again will eventually run out as the body and heart would give up.

Your hair would start rising upward like seaweed, rippling in the currents. The struggle to reach out your hand would also die down. No matter how the panic would hammer against your ribs, you would just sink... Sink... And sink deeper.

That had been the feeling Xiu had experiences all too well, repeatedly in her dreams. The dream that had been following her for as long as she could remember. In fact, this dream was something she was all too familiar with. 

She had always been struggling, flapping her arms and legs around, trying to reach out. However, she never reached the shore. She never managed to see the sky above. 

Currently, she has again stuck in the same dream all over again. It had been a never-ending cycle after all. When she found herself in the same place, she wasn't even surprised anymore. And neither did she try to struggle out of there. 

For the first time, she noticed how quiet it was around her. Ah, the world under the water had been eerily quiet. How come she never noticed it before? Oh, it must be because she was too focused on trying to reach out to the sky. 

Usually, she would always wake up with a start whenever her body started sinking. However, today even though she had given up on struggling, she wasn't sinking. She wasn't feeling suffocating at all. Could she breathe underwater? She really couldn't tell at all.

But she knew one thing at that moment, the sky that seemed murky and out of reach had become clear before her. She could see the twinkling stars in the sky. It looked beautiful as always.

For the first time, she heard voices in this dream. Unfamiliar voices. The voices around her weren't speaking Mandarin. But she could understand them calling for help. 

But before she could grasp what these voices were saying, the whole world around her spun and everything turned dark before her eyes. She felt someone shaking her softly. However, none of it scared her, instead, she let her body sink into the familiar embrace. 

Darren hugged her even closer to his chest and in a soft voice said, "You can wake up now. Don't continue to sleep like this. I hate your silence." He kissed the space between her brows as he went on, "I know you're scared of facing this reality. But you said it yourself you can't run from things forever."

Xiu snuggled up against him and mumbled blearily, "I can't face him. Not like this. It hurts."

Darren continued to drop soft kisses on her face as he added, "I know."

Xiu's eyes shot open and she looked into his eyes, "Regan, do you really understand?" Darren pressed his lips together when he saw the look in her eyes. Her voice was still hoarse to the point that it was barely audible to him. "I am his daughter and at the same time, I am not. I am neither Destiny as a whole nor am I Xiulin as a whole. Just what am I then? Who am I? Huh?"

Darren caressed her face lovingly as he said, "You're my Sweets. You're my wife. You're our little tiger's most amazing mother."

Xiu hid her face in the crook of his neck. She didn't shed a single tear now. She didn't feel like crying anymore. It wasn't gonna solve anything anyway. She had learned to keep her emotions in check and yet, she couldn't control it before Xin Zimen. 

He had offered something she had died yearning for. The love and care of the father. 

'Don't get hurt.'

Those words were still ringing in her head. And those words became the stimulant that forced her to pour her heart out before him. She looked at her hands that had clasped his waist tightly. He was warm. Very warm.

"Do you want to drink some water?" asked Darren when he noticed how quiet she was. She silently nodded her head and Darren helped her up with his arm. With her body leaning into his arm, he helped her in drinking some water to moisten up her throat. She had been sleeping for too long.

After Xiu drank the water, she felt her throat easing up. Her eyes wandered off towards the window and she said, "Oh, it's already nighttime."

Darren pursed his lips before telling her, "Not the same day anymore."

"Huh?" Xiu looked at him inquisitively.

"You went to sleep three days ago," told Darren. "So whatever you remember, all of that happened three days ago."

Xiu scratched the back of her head sheepishly, "You must have been worried. I'm sorry."

Darren rubbed her head gently, "It's alright. More than me, everyone else was a lot more worried. In fact, both Uncle Zi and Uncle Ze were so worried that I felt like I was under-worrying."

Xiu didn't react to his words at all. "I need a break."

"What do you mean?"

"I need a break so that I can give birth to my son in peace," said Xiu. "Every day something happens that I can't handle. How am I so weak? No matter how hard I try, how come I always end up failing miserably?"

Darren smiled at her, "Sweets, you're not weak. You're handling everything in your own way. The fact that even after learning about such crazy truths, you are still okay is saying something."

"Who said I'm okay?" retorted Xiu. "I'm scared that I will lose whatever I have today. Because it doesn't belong to me."

"But I belong to only you," said Darren firmly. "I'll always belong to only you. And you'll never lose me. I won't ever let that happen. I'll do my best to protect you, our son, and our family. I promise you that."

"But I can't keep letting you protect me," said Xiu. She touched the badge on his head as she said, "You always get hurt because of me. And I don't like that." She lowered her eyes and added, "It's my punishment, I shouldn't let you suffer with me."

"What punishment?" asked Darren with a frown.

"Isn't it, my punishment?" retorted Xiu. "They say the one who gives up on his life, will have the worst end. Since I gave up on my life, life is playing all these jokes on me. I can't even stand before my father and call him mine. I can't even tell him that I'm his daughter. And if I really decide to tell him everything, do yoou think I have the courage to face him? How should I tell him that his daughter was a cowered who gave up on her own life? And what if he gets disappointed in me? No, he'll definitely be disappointed. Also, what about the pain he'll have to go through all over again? Am I really strong enough to watch him suffering again because of me?"

Darren hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head, "Shh... Stop thinking. If you don't want to face anything, we won't go through it. Even if it's your punishment, as your husband, I'm willing to suffer along with you. I just need you not to give up. Not ever again!"

Xiu offered him a broken smile as she said, "Regan, even if I end up giving up on myself again, I can never give up on you. I'm not strong enough to leave you again."

"Good," said Darren. "Now, stop thinking about all of this. We'll slowly solve everything. Whatever it is, we can slowly go through it. There is no need to rush. It's a complicated matter, we should take time. Let it all sink in slowly. The more your struggle, the more easily you'll get tired. And more helpless you'll feel."

Xiu's eyes widened at his words as his words made her recall the dream that had been following her. Indeed, when she struggled, she always tire herself out. But this time, when she allowed herself to sink, everything seemed easier. How strange...

"It always gets better when you're talking," said Xiu.

"Oh? And here I thought it always gets better when you're talking," replied Darren. "Isn't that why I love hearing your voice? No matter how much nonsense you talk, I'm always listening attentively."

"I talk nonsense?" retorted Xiu as she looked up at him.

Darren chuckled softly, "No. You absolutely don't."

Today, however, even his smile didn't make her smile like it usually did. Today, she just felt tired after only talking this much.