Imperfect Desires

"If you can't sleep, there is no need to pretend."

Xiu pressed her lips together as she opened her eyes and looked at Ying whose attention had already been on her. It had been an hour since Ying told her to rest but Xiu couldn't sleep. It wasn't that she didn't want to, it was just that her mind was refusing to embrace the unconsciousness that often dragged her back to some distant memories she didn't want to visit.

"Ying Jie, aren't you bored of looking at me?" Ying raised her brows in question when Xiu continued, "You had been sitting here for hours and you're only staring at me. You can just play games on your phone."

"Lost my phone," replied Ying calmly but didn't explain how she lost it. Well, technically, she didn't lose it, she just threw it away when she found Xiu in trouble. It couldn't be helped. Besides, she had never been attached to things in her life.

Ying noticed the way Xiu nodded and chewed on her lips as if she was contemplating whether to say something or not. From what Ying understood about Xiu, she wasn't the kind of person to have hesitation. She was blunt and everyone knew that. In fact, she would often say hurtful things and would only realize it afterward.

"When did you become so reserved?" asked Ying. "If you have something to say then you should."

"I..." Xiu hesitated again as she looked at Ying's soft smile and took a deep breath. "Are you really that strong or you're too good at hiding?" Ying frowned at her slightly. "You know about almost everything that means you know about Sister Meihui and Li bro's wedding as well." Ying had a look of realization as if she finally understood why Xiu was hesitating for so long. "How are you so calm about it?"

Ying chuckled at her and joked, "What else can I do? Should I be crying? Making a scene? Screaming? Breaking things? What really do you want me to do?"

Xiu tried to sit up and Ying helped her with the pillows. "I don't want you to do any of that. I just expected you to be honest with yourself."

"You think I'm not honest enough?"

Xiu held her hand and shook her head, "That smile of yours is the proof that you're running away from your own pain. You might not believe it but I do know what you're going through. I can assure you that I can understand your feelings better than anyone."

Of course, she could understand her feelings. She had been through the same. She had also seen the one she loved marrying another right before her eyes. How could she not know what was Ying going through?

Ying placed her hand on Xiu's head and said, "My smile is not to hide my pain. It's a reminder that a man's choice can't define my life." Xiu eyes widened as she stared back at her. "Yes, I loved him for years but he didn't. One-sided love is just that; one-sided. We can't do anything about it. I've had my fair share of crying nights pining over him. But so what? Did it bring me anything?"

"But..." Xiu wanted to say something but Ying stopped her.

"Kid, I won't get him with tears. If I couldn't get him with my perfect smile why waste any more tears on him? Besides, I'm hitting 30 soon, I can't afford to cry now." Ying's behavior really took Xiu off-guard. "If I cried anymore, my eyebags are gonna sag. My skin will be affected."

"You're just trying to look strong by talking nonsense," muttered Xiu with a bit of annoyance in her voice.

"I wasn't talking nonsense though," replied Ying. "I'm very serious. Although it hurts knowing that my love is not returned, it's still well and good. I knew from the very beginning that I had no chance. But since I never learned to give up, I decided to be a nuisance and insist on loving the same person."

Xiu looked really distressed and it kind of amused Ying to see how Xiu was being mad for her sake. Aww, she looked so cute. Instead of worrying about her own self, she still had time to worry about Ying's feelings, Ying definitely found it more than just amusing.

"It's still not fair with you," insisted Xiu.

Ying patted her hand saying, "You don't have to pity me. I'm not as nice as you think. In fact, when you heard Meihui saying that I'm the most cunning one, she wasn't lying. I am cunning. I have also played a lot of tricks."

"For instance?"

"For instance, since the place in his heart was taken I decided to take the place in his life as his best friend." Xiu looked dumbfounded. "I also had a wish that his love wouldn't succeed, so that I can find my way to his heart. Haiz! I just miscalculated his love for Meihui."

"So, you became a backup?" 

Ying laughed at the term she used and nodded in reply. "Yes, I decided to be the backup he could look for once he'd be tired of running after his love." Her laughter was mocking her own self. She was indeed laughing at her own foolishness. "Now, you can say that I'm not worthy of that pity. Because I also played the tricks I could."

"But I don't see anything wrong with that though," said Xiu which surprised Ying. "You did what any normal person in love would do. In fact, most people would even try to tear down other's love to make space for themselves. But you decided to stay silently beside him as a supporting pillar. There is nothing wrong with that. At least, I don't find anything wrong with it."

"Xiu, you do realize that I also had ulterior motives for staying beside him."

"I do, but that doesn't change the fact that that's the most basic human nature. No one and I means, no one gets to call your love wrong. Not even yourself!"