Imperfect Desires

No visible symptoms.

No fever.

No fracture.

But still...

Feeling unstable.

Feeling disassociate.

Feeling like wanting to hide in a shell.

Feeling broke.

Feeling imperfect.

And just a head full of darkness which you're unable to explain to anyone. 

Mental health is often taken lightly and in most cases, ignored until it's too late. Just because society considers it a stigma doesn't mean you should be ashamed of it. 

For Xiu, it wasn't just a stigma. She had gone through the struggle of bad memories consuming her in her previous life and now, she was suffering and struggling all over again. She didn't just have to live through Destiny's pain, she was reminded of her own at every step of the way which was making it very difficult for her to stay strong or lucid.

When she felt Ying's hand patting her back gently and affectionately, she didn't know how but she felt really calm. Yes, she was the girl who struggled with mental health in her previous life and eventually let her thoughts consume her to the point of death. But that was the girl who was all alone. 

Now, it was different.

She wasn't that girl anymore!

Even though she couldn't completely share everything with Ying, just knowing that she was here for her was enough for Xiu. In fact, it was more comforting than she could even describe in words.

"Kid, everything okay with you? Did that scare you?" Ying spoke in a soft voice. "I'm really sorry."

Xiu pulled away and frowned at her, "Why are you sorry?"

Ying scratched her head awkwardly. She had been blaming herself for being careless and losing her focus. But it was also her grandma's fault for calling at the wrong time. If she hadn't been distracted because of her nagging, she wouldn't have let Xiu hurt even a little. 

"Sorry for being late," mumbled Ying in guilty.

Xiu's frown deepened, "Being late? My question is what were you even doing there?"

"Oh... Ummm..." Ying had to rummage through her mind to come up with a better excuse this time but even after thinking for a while, she really didn't know what to say to this girl who was looking at her eagerly.

"Forget it," Xiu could see her internal struggle through her expressions and didn't want to probe. "How about you tell me what happened to that attacker? Who was he? Why did he attack me?"

Since the time she read Destiny's letter that said that she felt like someone was after her. Xiu had been even more anxious than before. That's why she was more curious about the attacker than knowing the reason why Ying was there, after all, she knew Ying would pop at odd places every single time.

Ying finally relaxed because this was the question she could answer honestly. "The attacker was just a street thug. He was drunk and you looked like a rich lady in the rich residential area walking alone carelessly at night. So, he just decided to go after that dumb rich lady who didn't value her own life."

Xiu's face twitched slightly as she said, "Why do I feel like you're taunting me?"

Ying lifted her hand as she was going to hit her head and Xiu closed her hand anticipating the pain which never came. Instead, Ying tussled her hair. "How can you be so careless? Don't you read the newspaper? Don't you know how many incidents like this happen these days?" Xiu shook her head back and forth in response. "Why are you shaking your head?"

"I really don't read the newspaper or check news channels. I think that can give us more depression."

Xiu's answer made Ying want to do something but she didn't know what. "Whatever. I've already taken care of the attacker, so don't worry. Yes, the police officers will need to record your statement but that can wait till tomorrow. For now, you just take rest. The doctor said you're in shock and something else that I didn't pay attention to."

Xiu chuckled at the way how she said she wasn't listening to the doctor however that was Ying's way to make her ease up a bit. Of course, she listened to every single word the doctor said. She wouldn't dare to be careless again.

Xiu was lying back on the bed when she asked, "Did you tell anyone about this?"

"If by anyone you mean your boyfriend then no. I still haven't." Xiu breathed a sigh of relief. "But I'm eventually gonna tell him." Xiu looked at her with a worried look when she went on, "Earlier he called on your phone and I only told him that you're staying with me. Later, you can tell him everything in detail yourself."

"Thanks," said Xiu with sincerity. She knew Darren's temper by now and didn't want to cause any trouble for him. According to her, she was already a troublesome existence so it was better if her boyfriend didn't have to deal with these minor troubles around her.

"Ying Jie..."

"Hm?"

"Thank you!"

"Huh? Again? What for?"

Xiu held her hand and smiled at her gratefully, "Thanks not only for coming to my rescue but also for being here with me."

Ying smiled back at her sincerely, "I'm more than happy to be here for you. Now, stop overthinking and go back to sleep."

Xiu slowly closed her eyes as she thought about how feelings were just fleeting but these people around her were somehow becoming very dear to her. She shared no relationship with them and yet they felt like a family she could depend on. 

To be honest, whenever she had to live through the double dose of pain in the form of memories that belong to both Destiny and Chen Xiu, she'd feel like going crazy. She even thought this second chance at life was her retribution for not valuing her life previously. 

However, even if it was retribution, she was willing to go through it now. Because these people were around her to support her.