Chapter 167: Broken Walls

When I entered the inn there were only two people inside. Bogumir sat on top of the bar and Vitek sat on a stool, one arm leaning on the bar. The place was still a mess, so no one must have bothered to fix up the damage I’d done. Which made sense, since it had happened today, and everyone probably had different priorities. The wind blew through the many holes in the walls and roof.

Vitek smiled when he noticed me come in and motioned for me to join, so I did.

I plopped down on a stool. “Bit drafty in here.”

“Yeah,” Vitek agreed. “I like it. I like the fresh mountain air. It’s nice to be able to smell the trees.”

“I guess it is kind of nice.”

Bogumir didn’t say anything. He just stared into a tiny cup. It probably was something else originally, but he used it as a cup.

“So, uh, what were you guys talking about?” I asked.

Vitek shrugged. “Just life. Life is beautiful and full of surprises.”

Bogumir grunted, which made Vitek laugh.

Vitek thumbed at Bogumir. “He does not share my point of view. He doesn’t like surprises and does not see the beauty of it all.”

“I see the beauty,” Bogumir said, looking up from his cup. “Sometimes. But not everything is beautiful. Not everything can be enjoyed. And I for one don’t like life’s surprises. I don’t like them at all.”

“Come on! Surely plenty of good things must have happened to you.”

Bogumir scowled, then sighed. “Not really.”

Vitek patted him on the shoulder with his index finger. “Ah, but that is because you’re always trying to find the negative. Why not try to find the positive in things for a change? In every bad situation there is a lesson. There is so much good in this world, if only you would open your eyes. If you don’t believe in the good, then what are you fighting for? If you don’t see beauty, what is there to live for?”

“I don’t know,” Bogumir said, looking back down at his cup. “That’s the thing. I don’t know. What is there to live for?”

Now I felt extra bad. Bogumir was clearly having a bad time. Maybe he’d had a bad time since he was born, and I wasn’t making it easier on him by being me. He was part of my team now so I should have been more considerate, but I wasn’t sure how to be. If Kasia hadn’t pointed out what I was doing I probably never even would have realized it. What else did I do that hurt the people I cared about?

“Bogumir,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

He glanced at me, eyebrows raised. “For what?”

“For what I said. For calling you a little bastard.”

“No, I deserved that. I was being an asshole.”

“Yeah, well, me too.”

“Yeah.”

“And I don’t really think you’re a little bastard. I mean, you’re little now, and you can be a bit of a bastard sometimes, but usually you’re alright. I don’t hate you, if that’s what you think.”

He shook his head, faintly smiling. “I know you don’t hate me, Hecate. If you did you would have killed me already.”

“Yeah,” I chuckled. “That’s what Kasia said as well. Look, Bogumir, I’m not really good at this. I don’t really know how to have a serious conversation or how to apologize. I have a hard time admitting when I’m wrong. I—”

Bogumir’s surprised look made me forget what I was about to say.

“What?” I asked. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Nothing. It’s nothing,” he said, raising his hand. “I was not expecting this. Not from you. Not ever. I’m not laughing at you or anything. You just surprised me. Where is this coming from?”

“Hmm. I guess I also surprised myself. Kasia said something that made me think. How we’re more alike than we realize. We get defensive and lash out. Maybe as a way to protect ourselves, or because it’s the only thing we know how to do. I don’t know. Because our parents never showed us how to have a discussion in a normal way? Because we don’t try to understand the other person and just go right to defending ourselves without hearing what the other person is really saying. Because we feel attacked when someone criticizes us, or says something we believe is criticism. Or when we don’t understand something. Because we’re afraid that no one cares. Because we’re afraid we don’t matter. I don’t know.”

I sighed. “I don’t know, alright? I just want you to know that you matter. And I do care how you feel. And I was a dick and I don’t want to be a dick. At least not to the people I care about. And that includes you. I will try not to curse at you anymore. I’ll probably still do it, but I’ll try to be more aware of it and hopefully it will get less and less. Swearing and shouting at each other will not help us understand each other better. It doesn’t help us do anything.”

Bogumir stared at me with his mouth open.

“Young Kasia is wise beyond her years,” Vitek said, nodding. “She sees people for who they are and where they came from. I wonder where she learned that.”

I wondered that as well, and it had been a while since me and Kasia had a good talk about Kasia. Long overdue, actually. I should really spend more time getting to know her so she also knows that she is valued. That she matters.

“Kasia made you realize all this?” Bogumir asked.

“Yeah,” I replied. “Vitek is right. It’s like she knows whatever is wrong without you even having to say it. It’s like she can read your mind and see into your past sometimes. Well, a lot of the time. She gets people.”

“Yeah, I guess she does.”

I hesitated. “So… how do you feel?”

He shook his head. “Really?”

“Yeah. Really.”

“If I’m being honest, I have no idea. No one has ever asked me that before, and I don’t have an answer right now. I don’t know how I feel. Is that an answer?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess.”

“How do you feel?”

I shrugged again. “I feel many things. I’m scared. Scared that I won’t be a good leader. Scared that I’m not strong enough. Scared that I will get you guys hurt. Scared that my parents might be dead. Scared that I’ll fail. Scared that the Church will somehow get the better of me and then what? I don’t know.”

I leaned on the bar. “I’m also angry. Angry at everything. Angry about what happened to Perry, what keeps happening to me, what happened to Kasia. I’m even angry about what happened to you.”

“Me?” Bogumir asked.

“Yeah, you. Your had a shit father. Then you joined a shit Church who treated you like shit. You probably had a bunch of other things happen to you that you didn’t deserve.”

Bogumir took a deep breath. “It is what it is. Can’t change the past.”

“Yeah, but we can change the future. And besides scared and angry, I’m also happy. Happy that I found Vasil, happy that I found Kasia, happy that I found you. Happy that I found all these people and this place. I’m grateful. I’m hopeful. I feel a lot of things all at once.”

“I guess I do too,” Bogumir said, slowly nodding. I guess I’m grateful as well. We didn’t meet under the best circumstances… or maybe we did. This was probably exactly the way we were meant to meet. This was probably the only way we could have met and joined forces. I’m not saying I like it, but I feel like there must be a reason for it.”

“Do you believe everything happens for a reason?” I asked.

“I’d like to.”

“Me too…”

“Is that not beautiful?” Vitek asked. “Is this not beautiful?”

Bogumir and I shrugged at the same time, which caused all three of us to laugh.

“I’m sorry I called you a bitch, even though you were acting like a bitch,” Bogumir said.

“I was not acting like a bitch. But thanks. And sorry again for calling you a little bastard, even though you were acting like a little bastard. I’ll try to be more understanding. And sorry if I made you feel like I didn’t care or that your feelings didn’t matter. They do. Sorry that it took Kasia for me to realize this. Realize what I was doing.”

“I’m not sure how to respond to that,” Bogumir said. “Thanks. And Kasia is precious.”

“Yeah she is. You should talk to her. You might learn some things about yourself. Might make you feel better, or at least deal more with whatever it is that you’re dealing with. I mean, you can always talk to me, but you know…”

“Yeah,” he said laughing. “But you’re you and you’re not good at talking to people.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Maybe one day I will be, though.”

“You’re getting better at it.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah.”

That was kind of him to say. Maybe I really was getting better. Mostly thanks to Kasia. It was crazy how she was able to see right through me and knew exactly what I was struggling with. How she was able to make me see that I could be better. That I could change. Be more in control of myself and my emotions. She’d probably be a better leader than I’d ever be.

Bogumir took a sip out of his tiny cup.

“Where’d you get that cup?” I asked.

“Took it from a doll house in case I needed a cup.”

“Figures.”