Because I Cannot Hurt You

"Hm."

Zhiyuan climbed up the stairs and walked up to Han Huizhong's room. He opened the door and stepped in. He opened one of his desk drawers and saw a bunch of papers lying in it. All sets of papers had the same content.

Divorce agreement between Han Zhiyuan and Han Xinyi.

With how Han Huizhong was always ready to make them divorce any moment, he knew he would find them in his drawer.

He stared at the papers in his hand until even he didn't realize when he started to crumble them in his fist. His jaw clenched in anguish.

Was this the right decision?

His heart vehemently disagreed with this. The words on the papers tore every fiber of his being. He felt at a crossroads as he felt his eyes stung in tears.

Was he supposed to let her go? He had made her go through hell after all. What right did he have to live with her after he forced her to kill their child?

Was he supposed to act selfish and make her stay by his side even though he had hurt her?

His mind said to let her free from this misery. But his heart didn't want to leave her. He wanted to tightly hold on to her until his last breath.

"No...this is wrong...I won't let Xinyi go…" he whispered as a tear slid down his eye, "I don't want to let you go Xinyi. I cannot…"

Yes, he said to her in the hospital that it was time to discard the thorn in her life. But he couldn't think of anything else at that time. He was so overridden with guilt and anger at himself that he felt it was right to separate. He had steeled every last bit of his resolve he had in him to say those words that cut through his heart.

But even the mere thought of her disappearance from his life made him feel as if he would suffocate to death. It was extremely agonizing. The feeling of loneliness, the bitterness of living apart from her for the rest of his life scared him.

From the moment he learned the truth until now, he had had the same thought countless times. He imagined freeing Xinyi from him and punishing himself by this separation. His precious wife and son would no longer be with him and that was what he deserved.

A life of sorrow and loneliness.

But was that what Xinyi deserved? Was that what Siying wanted?

The light papers felt as heavy as a boulder in his hands. 

Zhiyuan crumpled and twisted the papers and suddenly tore them apart. He threw the papers away as they fluttered in the air.

"What are you doing making a mess of my room?" 

Zhiyuan stiffened, hearing the familiar voice. He turned and saw Han Huizhong who had just stepped into his room, watching him with an intense gaze.

Han Huizhong lifted his eyes and saw the shreds of paper falling on the floor. 

"I thought that you wouldn't want to see my face, but here you are in my room already."

Zhiyuan said nothing.

Han Huizhong took slow steps towards him as he sharply observed him. He glanced at the drawer and narrowed his eyes. "Why did you have to come here specifically for this? How come you are suddenly interested in your divorce? Did you finally realize how pathetic you are?"

Zhiyuan wryly laughed. "Pathetic...I have realized much more than this…" he stared at him and his lips trembled as he asked, "All this time...you always knew that about Xinyi's abortion right?"

Han Huizhong widened his eyes. His mouth opened in a small O, looking at him in disbelief. Never did he imagine that he would ask this question.

The more shocking part was how did he get to know it anyway?

"You also knew the mistake I made that brought Xinyi to make that decision. That's why you suddenly started hating me three years back. That's why you suddenly started demanding our divorce, isn't that right?"

Han Huizhong stared at him with a grave expression. "It is impossible for Xinyi to tell you this. So how did you know the truth?"

Zhiyuan kept his silence.

"Tell me, Zhiyuan. How did you know about it?"

"Qin Fuhua's fiance, Huang Rong asked that question to Xinyi last night. About her abortion."

Han Huizhong narrowed his eyes. "Who the fuck is this woman? How dare she humiliate Xinyi like this!? And how the hell did she know this anyway!?"

"I will take care of her. But tell me, Grandpa. Why didn't you tell me about it? Why did you hide it from me!"

"Because Xinyi didn't want me to!"

Zhiyuan froze.

He sneered. "Do you think that a man like me would hide your blunder from you? You made a mistake that scarred her to life until she felt happier to kill her child rather than keep it! Xinyi should have been in the clouds with your child Zhiyuan! But what did you do!? Trample upon everything she had in her. Her feelings, her love - you ruined everything in a single night! Do you think I wouldn't want to tell you about it!? It was Xinyi! She begged me not to say a word about it to you!"

His face turned ashen.

"She cried and begged me not to reveal anything. You know why?" He burst into crazy laughter. "Because my stupid granddaughter-in-law didn't want to hurt you! She didn't want you to know because she cannot hurt you, Zhiyuan!"

"What should I say? That woman was still thinking about your feelings even after being crushed herself! She said you didn't do it on purpose. If you learned about it then you would blame and curse yourself which she didn't want! Damn it I felt like beating her so much! How can anybody go that blind in love!? I wanted to confront you, but she stopped me! Then I wanted her to divorce you! Yes, I did because how could any woman stay with you after what you did! Calling your ex's name!? Had you lost your mind! Was that Caihong so important to you that you had to utter her name when you were with your wife!?"

Han Huizhong roared at him, his gaze ferocious. His body trembled in rage as he looked at him in disgust.

"And then I came to know that she wants to abort! With what face should I stop her? I wanted my great-grandchild alive, but I had no right to force her to give birth when her husband treated her as a damn replacement for some other woman!"

Every word struck Zhiyuan hard, but he knew he deserved all those cruel words because he had been even crueler than this to Xinyi.

"She refused to divorce you too!" He angrily laughed. "My granddaughter-in-law is really a handful. To think that she would still want to be with you. She suffered the worst thing in her life that no husband or wife should face, yet she remained stuck to you like glue! Idiot woman in love!"

He spoke through a clenched jaw. "How did you learn about your mistake anyway?"

He understood the abortion part that Huang Rong revealed, but what about his blunder? He couldn't know that. Only Xinyi and Han Huizhong knew the truth.

"... Xinyi's diary," he said.

Han Huizhong widened his eyes.

Xinyi keeps a diary?

It made sense because Xinyi would never tell the truth on her own accord.

"Ah! So you read her diary…" he chuckled. "Well sure it is a great invasion of privacy, but at least you did something right in your life for once. My pathetic grandson should know what horrible mistake he made. Who cares if the method is immoral? You stayed ignorant in your small shell for far too long now. It was time. Damn if I knew about her diary, I would have slapped it on your face to read it a long back already," he clicked his tongue in disdain.

"So why did you come here? Oh yes! I will finally get to see your divorce that I dreamt of for so long!" His gaze beamed. "I mean your self-loathe and guilt will never let you have the courage to face her again. And now that you finally realized what a bastard you have been to her, you won't let Xinyi suffer with you anymore! Great! Let me go to her right now and hand her the divorce papers. This will end once and for all haha!"

Amidst all his humiliation and mocking, Zhiyuan stayed silent for a while. Coming to a decision, he took a deep breath and faced him.

"Grandpa. You are right. I have done nothing but hurt Xinyi and in return for her love in all these years, I have only given her suffering. Indeed, our separation should be the way to end all this and that is what I thought is right too."

Han Huizhong snorted.

But then with a resilient light in his eyes, he stared at him determinedly. "But I have decided, Grandpa. I won't divorce Xinyi."