Because I Cannot Hurt You

'I was really nervous today but also excited. I came to return Zhiyuan's jacket to him. I wanted to properly thank him once again and also meet him. I couldn't wait to see him again. I couldn't wait to hear his voice again.

I reached his class, but when I asked for him, I learned that he was outside. I felt a little disappointed but I could always meet him later was what I thought.

But when I turned to leave, I heard a girl's voice calling me. She was a beautiful girl. So pretty and elegant…

She also seemed like a warm person. When I gazed at her, I don't know why but I felt comfortable for some reason.

She softly smiled at me and asked why I asked for Zhiyuan and I told her my reason. Then she beamed at me and said that she can return it for me to him.

I was a little hesitant because if I handed over his jacket to his classmate, I would lose my chance to meet Zhiyuan again. 

But then the other classmates began whistling and cheering for some reason. 

And then I came to know…

They said to me that I can hand over the jacket to her.

She was Zhiyuan's girlfriend, after all.

Girlfriend…

At that moment, I felt so stupid. I stared at her and realized how foolish I was. I was one of the countless other girls who had fallen for Zhiyuan. I was a part of the crowd that could only gaze at him from afar and admire him. Just... admire him.

Why did I think that a boy like Zhiyuan would be single? Why did I dare to dream that my feelings would be returned?

I looked at the girl again and understood it instantly. She was a perfect match for him. Beautiful, refined, gentle, warm...In a way, I could see Zhiyuan in her.

You know, diary? I felt happy for Zhiyuan. He had found a gem for him. I knew he would be really happy with her. But...it hurt. I felt crushed. I wanted to cry.

Strange, isn't it? I was happy for him so why did I feel sad? 

The more I looked at her, the more I felt my eyes tear up. But I steeled myself to remain strong.

And then Zhiyuan came.

He smiled at her. He hugged her. His gaze was so different when he looked at her. Doting, loving and indulgent…I truly realized at that moment that I had no place in his life. There was no way that he would ever look at me the way he looked at that girl.

Han Zhiyuan would never have any feelings for me. 

He looked at me in surprise and then smiled. He introduced us to each other. Her name was An Caihong. Zhiyuan's girlfriend. She was happy to meet me too because Shuang had talked to her about me.

They looked so beautiful standing together. Really like a perfect couple meant for each other…

I don't know what I was supposed to say. I could only hear the sound of something shattering in my chest. Nevertheless, I smiled at them. I didn't have the strength to stand there anymore and feel the fruitlessness of my love. So I quickly handed the jacket and excused myself.

I ran and ran... until I couldn't hold back my tears. I cried today. I cried a lot. It was a fleeting emotion that lasted for only two days. I wanted to feel it forever - that light and fuzzy feeling of being in love. But the one I loved didn't need my feelings.

Now, as I write this, the tears fall again. It's painful. One moment, I was flying in the air and then the next moment, I came crashing down.

But this will be the last time I cry. I love Zhiyuan. But he loves someone else. My happiness lies where his happiness is. It's in An Caihong and I respect it. I will always support him.

That's why, I won't shed tears for him anymore. Whenever I see them, I will always greet them with a smile.'

Zhiyuan finished the page, but he kept staring at those same words again and again. He felt his heart bleed to know about her pain, but he continued reading it even though it twisted him from within in agony. It must have been heartbreaking to see them together every day and still smile at them. It must have been excruciating to see him love someone else, yet she didn't complain a word about it.

The pages of her diary turned to tell more of her story. The more days passed by, the more Xinyi found herself falling deeper for Zhiyuan. She decided to support Zhiyuan and Caihong, but she couldn't stop loving him. Two years passed like that as she silently held her one-sided love for Zhiyuan.

Until the day came when Han Huizhong threatened her to marry Zhiyuan or he would make Soo Enlai and Yunru's life miserable. Zhiyuan froze as he read how he forced her to sign the marriage papers. He remembered that when he had asked Xinyi about her decision, she had said that she married him out of her own will.

He read how she opposed Han Huizhong's decision that only hurt his heart. Even though it was easy to say yes, she still thought only about Zhiyuan's happiness with Caihong.

'I felt it was better to lie. Zhiyuan and Grandpa's relationship is already strained because of his refusal to accept Caihong. If I said that Grandpa threatened me, their relationship will be beyond repair. I don't want to make it anymore sour.'

He shut his eyes and covered his face with his hands as a tear slid down his cheek.

Why Xinyi...Why do you think so much about others?

He kept on reading about her life when she began living as Han Xinyi. 

'It hurts to see Zhiyuan like this. His eyes are so empty. He hardly eats or talks. Why did Grandpa have to do that? If he had accepted Caihong for him, Zhiyuan would have been so happy right now. But now there is nothing but desolation in his eyes. 

I don't know what to do...I don't know how to bring the old Zhiyuan back again.'

It was the time when Caihong's sudden departure had left him miserable and hopeless. At that time, Xinyi took over the Han Corps as the standing CEO which she wrote about those experiences as well in her diary.

When Zhiyuan took over the CEO position again, it was now evident from her words how happy she was to see him normal again. It was a tough phase for both of them. It wasn't so easy for Zhiyuan either to forget Caihong and move on when their relationship was going so good. But things slowly turned for the better along with Zhiyuan and Xinyi's marriage too.

Until he turned to the page that witnessed Xinyi's nightmare.

15 October 2017.

Zhiyuan brushed his fingers along the date. He remembered that day or more accurately that night. It was when he and Xinyi had slept together.

When he traced his palm along the page, he found it a bit rougher and different that said she had cried again as she wrote this. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Why would she cry after that night?

Somehow, he was afraid to read it further, but his instinct told him that this might be the answer he was looking for. He reached part that destroyed everything for Xinyi. He clenched his fist and slowly lowered his gaze as the words appeared before his sight.

'Diary... tonight was supposed to be the happiest night of my life. You know why? Because ever since Zhiyuan and I got married, tonight is the first night that we shared together as husband and wife. Tonight was supposed to bridge all the distance between us.

But…'

Zhiyuan noticed her handwriting getting shaky and crinkly as she wrote further.

'But it didn't go as I expected, diary... Zhiyuan came home a little drunk today. He held me. He gazed at me with his warm eyes that I love so much. I was so mesmerized.

He leaned in to kiss me and somehow I couldn't stop myself or him. I should have because he was drunk. But when I felt his lips on mine, I couldn't help but want for more. I wanted him to touch me.

Even though he was intoxicated, he was extremely gentle as if he was holding glass. From his expression, I gathered that he was holding himself back just not to hurt me.

And with every last drop of courage that I could gather, I slowly hugged him back. Maybe this was the only night when I could say that I loved him. 

But then with his gentle voice, he said something that shattered everything for me…He...

He called out Caihong's name.'