Because I Cannot Hurt You

*Thud*

The diary fell from his hands as he went into a deep shock. He stared at the empty space ahead, unblinkingly. His eyes started to ache as tears finally streamed down his cheeks. He sat rooted as if he was zapped by a million bolts of lightning. Disbelief, fear and panic marred his face into varied expressions. 

T-that... cannot be true…

His black orbs stayed affixed at the diary that sent his heartbeat into a frenzy. He broke out in a cold sweat. His breaths became haywire and his vision turned blurry due to the tears falling.

I cannot…Did I really say Caihong's name when we...?

He lowered his head and clutched it as he shut his eyes hard. His figure trembled as the worst truth finally came to light. His lips shivered as words failed to escape.

Suddenly, everything fell into place as pieces of a puzzle. Everything fit and everything made sense now. 

Zhiyuan made a huge blunder. To utter some other woman's name to your wife couldn't be even regarded as just a mistake now. He did something that could destroy any marriage. He had betrayed her.

For the sake of his family, he forced himself to move on. He had a wife and a company to handle which Xinyi was taking care of in his place. The guilt of making Xinyi carry that burden crushed him so much that he forced himself to stand and step out of his shell. But he was actually stuck at the same place.

He hadn't forgotten Caihong and so subconsciously, he saw her in Xinyi in his drunken state. Ever since they began dating in college, he had imagined spending his entire life with Caihong. He had thought out his future with her. Falling in love with her was so easy that when she left him without turning back even once, it left a huge hole in his life that he was unable to fill. The happy future he dreamt of suddenly crumbled into pieces without any warning.

He was left all alone. He didn't even know why. He could only cry and shout her name in vain only to get silence in response. If your first love can make you feel as if you are floating in the clouds, then you feel completely devastated when that love disappears from your life without leaving a trace behind.

If being in love could make one extremely blissful, then its loss could make one extremely depressed too.

It wasn't just so easy to move on, especially when Caihong loved him too. But he tricked his mind into thinking that he was alright. He was fine. He had forgotten her. But that night in his intoxicated state brought out his deepest feelings he had kept buried in his heart.

Which hurt Xinyi to no bounds. She didn't deserve this. She had kept her one-sided love for him hidden all that time. But to hear someone else's name when your love touched you was as devastating for her as it was for Zhiyuan when Caihong left him.

Zhiyuan tremblingly picked the diary and read on.

'That is when I realized that I truly had no place in Zhiyuan's life. He loves Caihong. He would never forget her.

I was just his friend and a companion. 

I was right...I shouldn't have married Zhiyuan. I should have stood against Grandpa more. I should have opposed him more. My presence simply added more burden to his life in addition to Caihong leaving him.

Diary...I failed. Grandpa had said to make him fall for me so that he would forget Caihong. It was up to me.

But I couldn't do it…I was afraid of his rejection. In these three and a half years, I couldn't take a single step to make him fall for me. I supported him just as his friend. I was his wife, but I kept my distance from him just as his companion. I was afraid to let him know my feelings. I was scared to burden him with my love.

Things would have been different if maybe... just maybe I had been a little courageous. But I couldn't do it.

I did nothing to help heal his broken heart. I did nothing to make him notice me. This forced marriage had already hurt him a lot.

If I forced him to accept my feelings too, then that would truly break apart everything for him. That's why…I can only blame myself for this…'

With an empty heart that was devoid of any emotions and with those eyes that had lost all its light, he slowly turned the pages.

12 November 2017.

He stared at the date. It was almost a month after that night…

'Diary, I feel that I am standing in front of my worst crossroad now because…

I just learned that I am pregnant. But I...am the worst because I don't feel happy. I am going to become a mother but this news is hurting me. It is so painful.

I don't know what I am supposed to do. I don't understand anything anymore…

Whenever I think about my child, it reminds me of that night and then I feel that he isn't my child. Somewhere... somewhere deep in my heart I feel that this life doesn't belong to me.

It's crazy, isn't it? I am an idiot. I shouldn't think like this...This child is Zhiyuan and mine. 

But then every single time, I remember him taking Caihong's name and then I... cannot help but think that this child is not mine. He was thinking of Caihong so is this child... theirs?

It is so pointless thinking of this haha...I am stupid. The child is in my womb so of course he is mine...or not?

Diary, tell me what should I do now? If this goes on, then will I hate my child? I don't want to hate him. I don't want to reject him but it hurts everytime I think about it.

Tell me diary...what should I do?'

19 November 2017.

'I…I am pregnant. Seven days back, I learned that I am pregnant. And once again, I ask myself the same question. I...Isn't it supposed to be good news? I am carrying Zhiyuan's child. He is my husband and the man I love and who I hold so dear to my heart. Shouldn't I be happy?

But why? Why does it feel so suffocating? Why am I thinking of not wanting this child? This child would make our marriage complete, wouldn't it?

I know. I know so well that what happened is not this child's fault. I am so wrong in even thinking about this. He has got nothing to do with it. But still, it's so hard. I cannot get it out of my mind. I am trying. I try every day. Every single day...I pretend to act as if nothing happened. But, I just cannot forget it.

That moment when Zhiyuan...That moment is so vivid in my mind that perhaps it would never let me live in peace. And this child is a constant reminder of that dreaded moment. I-I don't want to look at my child and go back to the past. But that is just what is happening every time I think of him or her, and I...cannot take it anymore.

Why did it have to happen to me? What did I do so wrong? Will I be able to love my child?

This question haunts me from the moment I learned the news. First, that memory came back like a dam breaking apart in full force, the memory I was desperately trying to forget, and then I began to question myself if I can give my child the love it deserves?

Will I be a good mother?

Will I hate my child?

Tomorrow... tomorrow it will end. The life inside me will cease to…exist. Tomorrow, I will be free from this vicious pain forever. But strangely enough, it is still hurting me.

It hurts me if I think of giving birth to this child. It kills me to feel that it wouldn't be there anymore inside me. So, what should I do! I don't know!

I want this child. No, I don't want this child.

I want to give birth. No, I want to kill him.

I want to show him the world. No, it will destroy my world instead.

I want to love my child. But, I think I will hate him.

Please, somebody help me. I don't want to kill him so...please...please somebody stop me…'

Zhiyuan slowly closed the diary. In that silence that reigned the room, he remained unmoved for a long time. He wasn't thinking about anything. Just staring ahead in a daze.

He heard a soft knock on the door. "Young master. I have packed up all the young mistress's necessities," the maid said.

Zhiyuan slowly got up and took Xinyi's bag. He passed by the maid, took Zizi's bag from her and silently left.

The maid wondered.

He looked fine a few minutes ago. What happened to the young master so suddenly that he seems so lost like that?