Because I Cannot Hurt You

Caihong raised her trembling hands and stared at them. "Xiaosi you know...I have no right to be angry at your mother. Because I am not doing anything different from her. B-But...but still Xiaosi…" her eyes turned slightly red, "I still feel mad at your mother for leaving you all alone. I am so, so mad at her! I am so angry! Y-you were there right in front of her. Even so, she turned her back on you and you couldn't even stop her."

She mocked herself. "I am such a hypocrite, am I not? I am the worst woman on this earth. I am hating Chyou, and that isn't anything different from how she left you alone. I am just the same as her. I...hate myself. I loathe myself. Why am I punishing her for something that she had no control of? I knew it all along...I knew it from the beginning. But, I couldn't love her Xiaosi. In front of my life, I couldn't see anything else...But now I realize that I was so selfish.

Be-because when I heard how your mother treated you the same way, it hurt me, Xiaosi. It hurt a lot. It's painful. It's heartbreaking. She didn't love you either. She couldn't love you otherwise she wouldn't have left you. I couldn't bear to hear it any longer...I wonder why, Xiaosi? Since when did your grief begin to affect me? It pricks so bad...how did you live your life until now?"

A muffled sob escaped her lips.

"Xiaosi, tell me. What am I doing? What are we doing with our life? Everything is so confusing...The past doesn't make any sense, yet it is a reality. Are you really such a horrible man who ruined me because of revenge? If that is not so, then why am I hating you and Chyou? If it is the truth, then what made you break your own vow?"

She sobbed for a long time. At that moment, she really felt like rushing to his side and hugging him hard. She felt an urge to rest her head on his chest and cry like how a child does. She wasn't pitying him.

No, she wasn't being sympathetic. Feeling pitiful for him would be an insult to him. Even without his mother, he lived a fine life on his own. But even then, what did he get?

Where was his happy family?

Nowhere.

Xiaosi's past and Chyou's present were exactly the same. At this point, she didn't feel any hatred towards Xiaosi. It was strange. She went through something that is a woman's worst possible nightmare, yet she didn't wish to despise him any longer.

Instead, right at this moment, she only wanted to understand Xiaosi. She wanted to understand the man who had to deal with such a past but still chose to inflict that same pain on her one night.

Nana's words rang in her ears repeatedly. It rang and rang until Caihong's tears finally ceased to flow. 

Something was affecting her. Xiaosi was beginning to affect her and not in the way she always thought of. Now, she didn't want to run away from her feelings anymore and neither her responsibilities.

Her feelings for him were still vague. There was concern, pain and care. It was different than what she always felt for him in the past seven years. But whatever feelings welled within her, she decided to face them head-on. 

A happy family…

She didn't know if it was possible. She never imagined that sort of life with him. 

But now, she felt that she had to change. Not just for herself. But for Chyou too. She couldn't leave her like that anymore. She hated to stand in the same position as Xiaosi's mother. She understood her pain more than anyone else, but she didn't want to become like her who made Xiaosi suffer in his childhood.

Xiaosi held so many mysteries with him and she wanted answers to all of them.

---

Outside Natsukashi, Xiaosi stood at a corner and pulled a drag as he smoke a cigarette. He had no interest in being a part of the fun anymore, so he left.

Why did Caihong insist to come? My job was over! He cursed.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Yunru coming. "What's up? Caught the gang, officer?"

Yunru narrowed his eyes. "Liu Jinhai have handed me the goons and also the location of the main gang. They are in our custody."

"Congratulations!" He smiled.

Yunru quietly said, "Thank you. You helped us find Siying. Honestly, it was shocking, but I appreciate it."

Without saying anything further, he took a step forward. Xiaosi suddenly asked, "Say Yunru. Why do you hate me so much?"

He paused and stared at him.

"I don't remember making an enemy out of you," he pouted.

"You only think about making problems for brother-in-law who is my sis's husband that will ultimately affect her too and you ask why do I resent you?" He questioned him back.

"Ah, a valid point indeed," he smiled, "But my instinct says that there is some other reason, too, which is adding up to your resentment level for me."

Silence.

"Indeed. And that is my problem. This time, it isn't your fault. I am the one who is failing everytime."

Xiaosi raised his brow.

"Failing?"

Yunru's lips tugged in a faint smile.

"When will you stop affecting her?"

He blinked his eyes. "Affecting who?"

"There is someone. Your presence is a big part in her life even now. And you know Xiaosi? I am unable to shake your position from her life. I am not able to become that presence that you hold in her life. I am trying. But, I fail every time."

Xiaosi narrowed his eyes.

My presence?

As far as he knew, everybody right now hated him to the core. There was no nobody who held him in any high regard. So, he didn't understand Yunru's context.

Yunru chuckled. "But like I said, it's my problem. I really cannot blame you because you are not even doing anything. That is infuriating. I want to hate you. I want to blame you. I want to accuse you of my helplessness. But I cannot even do that. Heh, how pitiful my life is, isn't it?"