Because I Cannot Hurt You

Caihong felt choked up in her throat. As if a painful knot twisted her stomach, she felt a sharp ache erupt within her.

Nana continued. "That's why he was very particular in taking care of other children at the orphanage, especially girls. He didn't let any boys bully or hurt them and even if it were older kids, he always fought them back. He never accepted any other family because he had suffered a lot in his own. He simply didn't have any space in his heart to accommodate other parents, so he always denied it. But, he didn't want to be any burden on the orphanage either, so he left as soon as possible to live in the school dorms. Then he started taking care of his expenses too."

"The time that I spent with him made me realize that Xiaosi never showed his pain. Even if he got hurt, he hid his injuries from Uncle and the other staff. He missed his mother a lot at times, but he never expressed it. But Uncle Sun realized it nevertheless. He would cry in a corner and then act as if nothing happened."

She faintly smiled. "Uncle Sun told me this. Do you know what he said to him when he left to live in school dorms? He said that in the future, he will never become like his father. A man who disrespects and hurts a woman is a scum. When he would grow up to be an adult and maybe fall in love one day, he swore he would treat his wife with the utmost respect. He won't ever give that future to her where his mother suffered so much."

Caihong blankly stared at the empty space ahead. Her vision was blurry due to the tears stinging her eyes. Her mind was riled up in confusion.

A raped child. An abusive past where his father tortured him. Then Xiaosi's oath that he wouldn't ever walk into his father's footsteps.

Then how did Xiaosi ever think to assault Caihong that night? That was so against his principles. A man who went through such a past where his own mother was abused; will he do the same to another woman one day?

As Caihong gave it a deeper thought, she realized one thing instantly.

Xiaosi and Chyou were too similar. Not because they shared blood, but because they shared the past too.

Xiaosi was a raped child and so was Chyou. His mother left him to fend him on his own and so did she herself shed all her responsibilities as a mother.

At the picnic, she saw a different side to Xiaosi and now she learned his past that shaped him into what he was now. His past was such a big influence on him.

Then what just happened at that graduation party night that made him betray his own principles?

Nana said, bringing her out of her stupor. "But I am glad that Xiaosi leads a happy life now. He has such a wonderful wife and daughter. He must be so happy to have such a beautiful family."

Her eyelashes trembled, and she couldn't meet her gaze. Whether his family as a child or his family as a married adult, both of them were equally broken. 

Happiness? What happiness? What joy?

Wasn't it just the same? Nothing had changed. 

Caihong's tears refused to stop and she quickly asked, "Where is the restroom?"

"Oh. At that right side," Nana anxiously asked, "Are you alright? I am sorry for bringing it up. It made you uncomfortable…"

"No, no. Please don't apologize. I asked about his childhood in the first place."

Nana faintly smiled.

Caihong quickly got up and left. As she shut the door behind her, her back softly bumped on it, and she slowly collapsed on her feet. Her trembling fingers clutched her chest, and she finally allowed herself to cry as much as she wanted.

Why? Why did it hurt so much? 

Her warm tears plopped on the floor. She gasped as she took uneven breaths. Why did it feel as if somebody was stabbing her heart into pieces? Why wasn't she able to bear the hurt he went through?

She had no idea that he led such a horrible life until now. Everybody only knew that he was an orphan. But nobody knew the pain he carried all these years. Not even Zhiyuan, who was Xiaosi's best friend in the past.

Xiaosi didn't say a word to anybody. 

"Why...I am supposed to hate you Xiaosi! Didn't you ruin my life? Then why does it hurt so much? Why am I not able to despise you anymore? What did you mean by those words that night?"

'Wouldn't Zhiyuan be there next time?'

'...I hope he doesn't.'

Caihong wailed like that for a long time. When she imagined a four-year-old Xiaosi left at the doors of an orphanage, a crushing feeling bulldozed upon her. When she imagined a small child being beaten black and blue by his father with bruises all over his body, she felt an emptiness well in her chest.

'I am glad that Xiaosi leads a happy life now.'

A burst of mocking laughter tugged her lips.

"I don't understand, Nana. Should I laugh at fate here? Or should I laugh at myself? Happy family…No, Nana…"

Her lips trembled, and her eyes ached as tears trickled down the sides of her cheeks. "There is no happy family here. Nothing has changed...In fact, he is seeing his childhood alive once again in the form of Chyou this time. Everything is happening exactly the same. How must he be feeling seeing Chyou at his place years later?"

"Xiaosi...it isn't your fault, right? Your mother was assaulted. You were born in such a broken family…" Caihong was mumbling to herself, "You were beaten up for no reason, and you were left at an orphanage even when it wasn't your fault. And there is Chyou now. She is at your place where you stood before. Say Xiaosi...what am I doing right now?"