Because I Cannot Hurt You

The morning turned into night, but Zhiyuan couldn't sleep. He shifted in his bed for a long time, but the restlessness in his heart didn't let him rest at all. He turned to look at Xinyi who was sleeping by his side. They didn't talk much after they returned. Xinyi had no idea what to say to him and neither did Zhiyuan understand what to ask. 

Zhiyuan sighed and got up. He quietly walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Xinyi slowly opened her eyes and stared at the empty space ahead. She turned and saw the other side of the bed empty.

"If he just sees you as your friend then why would he be affected or shocked so much?"

Xinyi faintly smiled. She knew Zhiyuan more than herself. What Caihong implied could never be true. That sad reality was already etched into her heart. 

"He doesn't want you back, Caihong, I know that. But he doesn't want me either. Not the way that I wish…"

---

Zhiyuan stepped into the garden, and the night's cold breeze kissed his cheek, washing away some of his fatigue. At a distance, he saw a figure sitting on the bench. He slowly walked towards her and placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Zizi?"

Zizi was slightly startled, and as she raised her head, she was surprised to see Zhiyuan. "Bro. You are here so late at night?"

"Aren't you here too?"

"Ah hehe…" she awkwardly smiled.

"Is Siying asleep?"

"Yup. Oh and don't worry. I have stuffed pillows at his sides so that he doesn't fall off the bed."

He chuckled. "It's alright. I trust you."

Zhiyuan sat beside her and said, "Nice weather, isn't it?"

"En."

"Is something bothering you?"

Zizi slightly stiffened, but she quickly said, "Of course not, bro. I couldn't get any sleep so thought to come out for some fresh air."

Zhiyuan smiled and patted her head. "You know you cannot hide anything from me, right? I am your brother after all. I have watched you grow since you were just a baby."

She smiled.

How can I say that seeing Shuang with Yunru is bothering me?

Ever since she saw them together this morning, she couldn't take it out of her mind. Yunru was in a good mood when she left, but when he talked to Shuang, he seemed really grave and serious. The atmosphere between them seemed tense. Somehow, that didn't sit well with her.

Zizi said, "Nothing. I was just thinking about Diu."

"Your friend, right?"

"En," she cleared her throat, "Actually she called me today because she was really upset about something. There is this g-guy she is thinking about these days. But today she saw him with another woman. She didn't hear what they talked about, but ever since that, Diu is feeling uncomfortable...so I was just wondering…"

Zhiyuan curiously asked, "Thinking about him? That means she likes him, right?"

Zizi froze. She rapidly blinked her eyes. "Of course not! I-I mean Diu says that. She doesn't like him." She quickly averted her eyes.

How could I like that lowly man!?

"Then why does she think about him? And why does that other woman's presence affect her?"

She trembled. She felt choked and as if words failed to come out of her mouth.

"Umm…"

"Does the guy know about her feelings?"

"No..." Her heart sped.

Zhiyuan touched his chin. "Does Diu know that woman?"

She nodded. "Actually, Diu and that woman were classmates back in college…"

"And that guy?"

"No. But they both still knew him through a common friend."

Of course that common friend was Xinyi.

"I see. Maybe, just maybe, that guy and woman are dating?"

Zizi froze.

"They could be friends and maybe fell for each other."

Zizi looked at him with disbelief etched on her face. Her heart raced further in trepidation. 

'I already have a girlfriend.'

She recalled his words he said that day in the police station. It wasn't anything hidden from her, but she didn't know why it was beginning to prick her. She clenched her dress as an unknown fear gripped her heart.

"Oh…"

Shuang...Is she Yunru's girlfriend? 

But she quickly snapped out.

No, no. They looked so serious. They didn't seem like a couple at all. Maybe they were talking about some other stuff. I don't think she is his girlfriend.

She nodded inwardly and consoled herself. The uneasiness calmed down a little but somewhere its remnants were still there.

Zizi laughed. "I-I don't think so that they are dating."

Zhiyuan smiled and narrowed his eyes. "How do you know? Shouldn't Diu be telling this?"

"..."

Zizi coughed. "Of course! I meant Diu told me this. Silly me. I think she is worried for nothing."

Zhiyuan knew that she was hiding something but also understood that she didn't seem comfortable in sharing it. He didn't want to probe and make it difficult for her.

"... Alright."

Zizi sighed in relief, knowing that Zhiyuan didn't ask further. "So you tell, bro. How was your lunch with Liang today?"

He stiffened and recalled meeting Qin Fuhua. Ever since that time, he felt unsettled in his heart. His smile faltered. "It was nice. You won't believe the coincidence. We met Xinyi, Ah Cy and Caihong too. They were having lunch in the same mall."

Zizi quietly observed him as he mentioned Caihong. He noticed her staring at him and asked, "What is it?"

She pursed her lips. "Bro, I am sorry. I know you are tired of me asking you this, but I cannot help it. Have you really moved on from Caihong? Cross your heart and say the truth!"

Zhiyuan widened his eyes in surprise. "Yes, Zizi. There is no doubt about it. I admit I loved her deeply at one point in time. But everything was already over since the moment I married Xinyi."

He looked up at the sky and faintly smiled. "It hurt a lot, I confess. It was sudden. The separation had left me completely devastated. But it was Xinyi at that time who took care of me. I knew I couldn't go on like that. So, I left my past behind me and ever since, I never thought of going back with Caihong."

Zizi was about to say something, but he raised his hand. "I know what you want to say. If I forgot about her then why was I searching for her?"

She remained quiet.

"Zizi, we all know how Caihong is. She is not selfish. She is not irresponsible. She wouldn't do something so huge as leaving me without thinking anything. If everything seemed fine on the party night, then why did she suddenly leave the next morning? We didn't fight or argued. So I couldn't wrap my head around it. As far I knew Caihong, I knew something terribly went wrong."

Zizi's lips straightened in a thin lip.

And that wrong thing was Xiaosi sleeping with Caihong...

"Was there something wrong in me trying to find my answer? How could I just brush off my hands from her situation? How could I just let it go without knowing what happened?"

Zizi sighed and gently placed her hand on his. "En."

A painful smile tugged his lips. "And now you know what happened to her."

Zizi lowered her head.

"Do you think I don't deserve to know something as big as Caihong losing her dignity? Do you know how pathetic I feel? She was right beside me at the party. The moment she went away, everything changed. She was with me, but I failed to protect her. That guilt still tears apart my heart, Zizi."

Zizi hugged him and tears slightly stung her eyes. "I am sorry bro.. it's not your fault at all. Nobody knew that Xiaosi would turn out like that."

He smiled and patted her head.

"Also, now that we are talking about this, I want to tell you another thing. Please don't misunderstand, Xinyi."

Zizi bit her lip. "Bro how can I not blame her? She-"

"Is a woman who will never think badly of others. Her heart is pure and kind. She is shy, awkward, but she is not a scheming woman. And it proves that Grandpa chose her for me. If you don't believe Xinyi, believe Grandpa. Do you think he can be fooled?"

Silence.

"That's why I want you to be friends with Xinyi again. She really misses you, Zizi. You have no idea how happy she was last night to know that you talked to her out of your own accord. She was smiling the whole time."

Zizi stiffened.

Now she felt a little guilty for talking to her because she wanted to know about Yunru. She didn't have any pure agenda.

"Even after seven years, she is not giving up on you. It's hard to be that patient and many would have already given up because it's tiring to hope."

Zizi slowly raised her head and faced him.

Zhiyuan smiled. "Will you please sort out things with her? I know it's not easy, but you can start talking to her little by little."

Zizi thought about it and slowly nodded. "Okay. I will try to mend things with her."