Chapter 427: What The Hell Was That?

"It feels like my fault," Lilith said. Her voice was shaking now. "Nicholas died because of me. Because I wasn’t strong enough to survive the transformation. Because I failed and died and he had to sacrifice himself to bring me back. If I had just...."

"Don’t," Lucian interrupted. His voice was firm. Not harsh, just absolute. "Don’t do that to yourself. Don’t twist this into something it’s not."

"How is it not my fault?" Lilith demanded. "He’s dead because I...."

"He’s dead because he chose to trade his life for yours," Lucian said. "That was his decision. His choice. He walked into the Veil knowing he would not come back. Knowing what it would cost. And he did it anyway because he loved you. Because he thought you were worth it."

"I’m not worth it," Lilith said. Tears were streaming down her face now. "I’m not worth him dying. I’m not worth permanent ending. I should have refused. I should have stayed dead. I should have...."

"Don’t," Lucian said again. This time his voice was rougher. Almost harsh. "Don’t you dare say you should have stayed dead. Don’t make his sacrifice meaningless by refusing to live."

Lilith stared at him.

"Nicholas gave everything so you could have a chance at life," Lucian continued. "He walked into death gladly....gladly, Lilith...because he wanted you to live. And if you sit here drowning in guilt and wishing you had died instead, you’re spitting on that sacrifice. You’re making it worthless."

"But he’s gone, Lucian," Lilith whispered. "He’s gone and I’m here and it’s not fair."

"No," Lucian agreed. "It’s not fair. Nothing about this is fair. But it’s real. It happened. And we can either honor what Nicholas did by living the best lives we can. Or we can waste his sacrifice by being miserable and guilty and wishing for things that can’t be changed."

He reached out and took her hand.

"I miss him," Lucian said, and his voice cracked on the words. "I miss my brother. The person who has been with me since before we were born. I feel like part of me was ripped out and I don’t know how to function with that piece missing. But Lilith, I also have you back. And that’s what Nicholas wanted. That’s what he died for. So I’m going to try. I’m going to try to be grateful for you while grieving him. Because anything less would dishonor his choice."

Lilith’s vision blurred with tears.

She wanted to argue. Wanted to say it was not enough. Wanted to refuse the guilt-free absolution Lucian was trying to give her.

But he was right.

Nicholas had chosen this. Had wanted this. Had died to give her life.

Refusing to live, refusing to find some way to be happy despite the grief....would make his sacrifice meaningless.

Movement near the window made them both look over.

Sebastian was awake. Sitting up in the chair and watching them with bloodshot eyes that suggested he had not been sleeping well even when he managed to sleep at all.

"How long have you been awake?" Lucian asked.

"Long enough," Sebastian said. His voice was hoarse. He stood slowly and crossed to the bed, sitting on the edge near Lilith’s feet. "He’s right. Nicholas chose this. And we honor him by living."

"I don’t know how," Lilith admitted. "I don’t know how to keep going when every time I close my eyes I see him letting go in the Veil. When I can feel the exact moment he pushed me through the barrier and stayed behind to die."

"One day at a time," Sebastian said quietly. "One hour. One minute if that’s all you can manage. You wake up. You breathe. You put one foot in front of the other. And eventually....maybe not today or tomorrow or even next month....eventually it will hurt less."

"Does it?" Lilith asked. "Does it ever hurt less?"

Sebastian looked at Lucian. Some silent communication passed between them.

"I don’t know," Sebastian admitted. "We’ve never lost someone like this before. Never had a piece of ourselves ripped away and destroyed. So I can’t promise it gets easier. But Lilith, we’re going to figure it out together. You, me, Lucian. We’re going to grieve and heal and keep living because that’s what Nicholas wanted."

Lilith looked at both of them, these two men who were grieving just as hard as she was but still trying to be strong. Still trying to take care of her.

"I’m sorry," Lilith whispered. "I’m sorry you lost your brother because of me."

"We didn’t lose him because of you," Lucian said firmly. "We lost him because fate and gods and curses forced impossible choices on all of us. And Nicholas made his choice. We’re living with the consequences."

Lilith took a shaking breath and tried to center herself.

But something felt wrong.

Not emotionally. Physically.

Like there was something moving under her skin that should not be there.

"Lilith?" Sebastian asked. "What’s wrong?"

"I don’t know," Lilith said slowly. "Something feels....."

She reached for her magic instinctively. The way she had done a thousand times before. Just a small pull to check her reserves. To confirm everything was functioning normally.

The moment she touched her power, the world exploded.

Not literally. But it felt like it.

Magic surged through Lilith with a force that knocked the breath from her lungs. Not painful exactly. But overwhelming. Like trying to drink from a river while standing in a flood.

Too much. Too strong. Too everything.

"Lilith!" Sebastian grabbed her shoulders. "What’s happening?!"

Lilith tried to pull back from her magic. Tried to release it.

But it wouldn’t let go.

It kept pouring through her channels....hot and cold simultaneously, life and death tangled together, power she did not recognize mixed with power that felt familiar but wrong.

"I can’t...." Lilith gasped. "I can’t control it. There’s too much. It’s too...."

The lamp on the nightstand exploded.

Not shattered. Exploded. Like something had torn it apart from the inside.

Sebastian swore and yanked Lilith against his chest, shielding her from the flying debris.

Lucian was on his feet immediately. "What the hell was that?!"