Novel Full 198 Ai's conviction
Ai felt helpless. Her tears plopped down as she saw Jun crying his heart out. She had no idea that he was carrying such a huge burden in his heart all this time.
How guilty and ashamed must he be feeling over their deaths? How did he bear that brunt of losing them?
Jun’s feeble voice was full of remorse and regret. The pain and the past tore apart his heart into pieces. The memories of seeing their cold, dead bodies was still fresh in his heart. The lifeless expression on Jinhai’s face when they passed away still brought chills to his spine.
“Everybody was devastated. I could only stand and watch everything crumbling before me. My family and I got cut off, and I could never bridge that gap. The only thing I could remember was how I talked to Mom the last time we met. I had pushed her away and told that she wasn’t a good mother. That was the last thing she heard from her son, and then I saw her dead…I cannot forget her lifeless body. I can never forgive myself for that Ai. I was a horrible son! I failed Mom, and I failed my whole family.”.
He breathlessly gasped as if somebody was strangling him. “How could I have the face to live my life anymore when Jin and Mom died because of me? I just didn’t kill them. I killed Shui’s happiness and my family’s joy. The one bullet destroyed everything. Nothing would have made it back to what it was again. I-I ran away and got into my car. I drove faster and faster because I wanted to end my wretched life once and for all! I am pathetic! I am selfish! I ruined everything! I…I had no right to step on everybody’s feelings. I killed myself, Ai. I didn’t want to live anymore. I wanted to join Mom and Jin, but…”
His laughter rang with grief. “I thought I would die and suffer in hell. That was my punishment. My soul would be tormented even after my death but it took an opposite turn, and I was reborn. Reborn? Why? I couldn’t understand. What was I supposed to do with this second chance? I only knew that my obsession for Shui became everybody’s bane in the end.
That’s why…I vowed to separate from Shui and my family and never have anything to do with them again. I-If I won’t be there, then history won’t repeat, right? Mom will be alive. Jin will be alive. Shui and Jin will get married one day. E-everybody will be happy. That’s what I did. I left home to live here. I broke up with Shui and began my new life.”
Jun slowly lifted his head and faced her. His tear stricken eyes widened seeing Ai shedding big drops of tears too. “You…Why are you crying?”
Ai trembled harder and harder. Her cheeks had flushed redder, and they shone when her tears slipped down. “Jun…”
She gently wiped his eyes and leaned to softly kiss on his forehead.
Jun let out a helpless chuckle. “You wiped my tears, but look at your face.”
He did the same as Ai did. His thumb brushed off the tears from her cheeks. “Tell me the truth, Ai. You…you hate me now, right? I should have been an understanding boyfriend, but I didn’t listen to Shui’s request for space. Maybe, it wouldn’t have turned out so bad. Bro Jian and Nuo’s relationship got affected because of me and towards Mom…I behaved the worst. Even if it was for just a moment, I re-really wanted to kill Jin. I snatched everybody’s happi-“
“Sshh,” Ai placed her finger on his lips and firmly said, “Don’t say anymore. Don’t punish yourself anymore or keep blaming yourself. I told you, Jun. Even if there are mistakes that you might have made, I won’t hate you.”
He stared at her, his eyes aching. “How can you say that? Don’t you feel that it would be suffocating to be with me? Just like Shui said? What if…what if I hurt you the same way I hurt her? That’s why I didn’t want to fall in love ever again. I swore to only focus on Sky and just…die like that one day. My way of loving is just too painful, isn’t it?”
“No,” Ai looked straight at him and answered. “I will tell you over and over again. I don’t find you suffocating. I find joy in your love Jun not pain. There won’t ever come a day when I will regret falling in love with you. I love everything about you, even your possessiveness and jealousy. Please, don’t think that I will hate you…” she pursed her lips, “Otherwise, I will feel that you don’t trust me.”
Jun watched her eyes grow dimmer and quickly shook his head. “It’s not like that, Ai! I trust you. I trust you more than anybody else…”
“Then don’t question my love for you,” Ai stated and pinched the tip of his nose.
His heart felt incredibly lighter as her melodious words rang in his ears. He lifted her chin and kissed her lips, wanting to melt into that sweetness and warmth which Ai provided.
“It took me a lifetime to realize that I was a villain in Shui and Jin’s life, and when I woke up to my new life, I realized that I will never get my happy ending. Villains don’t, right? But fate had mercy on me, and I met you.”
Ai shook her head. “You are not a villain, Jun. You didn’t kill Jin. Jin’s death was an accident. You are not a murderer because you didn’t went out to kill him.”
“But I thought of-“
“Thought doesn’t equal actions. If that was so, then so many people would be labelled criminals because almost everybody gets negative feelings of hurting someone in their life at some point in time. You might have thought of killing him in the rush of emotions, but you actually didn’t. So, don’t blame yourself.”
She narrowed her eyes. “But I won’t say that about your mother because she would have met the same fate if it had been your death instead of Jin. Whether it’s Jin or Jun, both are her sons. When I saved you that day, I told you. Your suicide would kill and devastate your parents because they love you so much. Even if you had shot the bullet to your head, Mrs. Liu wouldn’t have been able to bear it.”