Chapter 74 Situation.

Chapter 74: 74 Situation.

I took a breath. "Okay. Where do you want me to start?"

"How about with why I woke up three days ago with a fucking tail growing out of my tramp stamp? That seems like a pretty good jumping-off point."

Fair enough. "The short version is that I’ve been fighting monsters from another dimension for the past few months. They come through portals that appear on my property every night, and the portals are attracted to me specifically. I don’t fully understand why, but the working theory is that I’m something called a Champion of the Hero’s Party, and I’m supposed to help save the multiverse from some evil mage named Black Lazarus in about twenty years."

Clementine stared at me. Her beer bottle paused halfway to her lips. "I know how it sounds," I added.

"Why’s he gotta be black, though?"

"Yeah, I’m hung up on the same thing, but anyway, I have three women from another dimension living in my house, one of whom is literally a giant snake from the waist down and something like a porno succubus from the waist up, so I’m pretty confident I got my story straight."

She processed this for a moment, her lips twitching the way they always did when she was thinking hard about something. "My mom told me not to get messed up with white boys."

I shrugged limply. "I feel like this situation isn’t very representative of us as a people."

Clementine rolled her eyes. "That snippy blonde bitch with the ears. She’s also not human, then?"

"She’s an elf. Princess, actually. From a place called Elfhaven."

"Creative name for a place full of elves. And the others?"

"Ayra’s a Canid. Basically a dog-girl by way of golden retriever, best I can tell. She’s got ears and a tail, she barks when she gets startled, and she has this whole submission thing going on where she calls me Master and begs me to spank her. She’s also a combat healer who can swing a war hammer the size of a mailbox." I paused. "Juniper’s a demonkin with a snake tail that’s about twenty feet long, ram horns, little black wings, and some really glorious Biggle McTitties. Don’t tell the other two I said that. She’s the party smart girl. Just arrived yesterday."

"Biggle McTitties, you say." She was getting pretty well-practiced with the eye roll.

"They’re all part of that thing I mentioned called the Hero’s Party, and apparently I’m their destined... well anyway." I winced at how close I came to almost just saying it out loud. "It’s complicated."

Clementine’s expression had gone through several phases during this explanation. Disbelief. Skepticism. Grudging consideration. It finally settled on annoyed acceptance. "Okay. Let’s say I believe you, because honestly at this point nothing would surprise me. What does any of that have to do with me turning into an Uma Musume?"

This was the part I’d been dreading. "I’m not familiar with whatever that is, but when I unlocked my class in the System—that’s the leveling thing that gives me powers and tracks my progress, kind of like a video game interface only I can see—it assigned me something called Cavalier. It’s a mounted combat class. The System told me my steed would find me."

The realization hit her hard. Her eyes went wide, then narrow, then wide again. Her nostrils flared. "Are you fucking kidding me, Grey?"

"I wish I was, Persimmons."

"It’s Clementine, dickhead. So this is your fault." Her voice had gone dangerously quiet. "Whatever magic bullshit is going on, you did this to me."

I nodded. "In a weird, accidental way, yeah. It really is my fault. The System reached out and found someone I’d connected with. Someone I’d, uh, ridden. In a sense." I immediately regretted my word choice, but it was what it was.

Clementine caught it too. "Did you just make a sex joke about this?"

"Not a joke!"

"You’re such a fucking asshole." But there was less actual anger in it now. She slumped back against the sofa cushions and stared at the ceiling. "A magic horse-girl. That’s what I am now. A magic horse-girl bonded to my one-night stand who’s apparently living out some kind of fantasy adventure with a bunch of hot interdimensional babes."

"It was more like a one-weekend stand. And that’s a fairly accurate summary, actually."

She laughed without any joy. "I’m just glad I’m a loser with no future. At least I haven’t lost anything. You know, when I came over here, I thought maybe you’d drugged me or something. Slipped me something that night we hooked up. Some kind of experimental military shit that made me obsessed with you and turned me into a freak."

"I would never—"

"I know." She cut me off. "I know you wouldn’t. You’re a heartbreaker and a dick, but you’re not evil or whatever." She took another long drink of her beer. "So what now?"

I blinked. "What do you mean?"

She turned to look at me, and underneath all the cursing and hostility, I could see fear beneath the surface there. "I mean, what happens now? Am I stuck like this? Am I stuck with the guy who rejected me? What’s my life going to look like going forward, Grey?"

Whenever she actually called me Grey, it surprised me. This, I think, was the second time.

These were all excellent questions that I didn’t have great answers for. "I don’t know everything yet. We’re still figuring out the rules as we go. But I promise I’ll help you through this. Whatever you need—money, space, time, a place to stay. You’ve got it."

"Whatever I need, huh?" She set her beer down on the coffee table with a decisive clink. "Okay. First thing I need is to know what our relationship status is."

I furrowed my brow. "Our what?"

"You heard me, dick." She shifted on the sofa to face me more directly, her tail flicking against the cushions. "If I’m, like, magically shackled to you as your pony waifu or whatever, then you’d better take responsibility because I don’t think I’m going to be able to think about other guys anytime soon the way I’m hyperfixated on you. So what are we? Are we dating? Am I your girlfriend now? What’s the deal?"

This conversation had taken an unexpected turn. "I... You know, the thing is, I’m already kind of in a situation with the other women here. It’s—"

"Oh my god." Her eyes narrowed dangerously. "Are you banging all of them?"