Chapter 2421 - 2234: Blossoms on the Other Shore_10

Chapter 2421: Chapter 2234: Blossoms on the Other Shore_10

One can never truly possess their own heart, so what does abandoning everything bring? They never care about what I really think deep down inside; they only hurt me time and time again, pushing me to the brink, forcing me to return begging for forgiveness when I’m at my wits’ end. This is not the life I want. I’ve never lowered myself to beg anyone, because I know that begging never brings one what they truly want, and it never results in anything meaningful. I should make myself strong, never bow easily to anyone. That is the kind of life I really want. Reflecting on the moments shared with classmates while studying, I now feel a warmth and happiness thinking about them, even if disagreements would lead to arguments, fights, being summoned to the teacher’s office for criticism; how does it matter that the school criticized us? At least we were happy, joyful, and fulfilled, always walking our desired paths. Yet, each path eventually led to a dead end, repeatedly leaving me unable to recall what kind of ending I wanted deep within my heart. I am confused and now don’t understand what I should do or what I truly desire. I’ve forgotten everything I once longed for in this life. I’m scared, scared that one day I’ll wake up already transformed into a zombie. How I wish there could be a day, but these are not the things I want, because I’ve never received them. Back then I was somewhat more mentally fragmented, waiting at traffic lights on the road, randomly tousling my hair at night, going to the village dressed in strands of gold in my favorite pants like walking a dog, like a prisoner clinking in the bedroom; seeing everyone pass by, feeling like an idiot!

At that time, I thought I was the smartest person in the world, because nobody could see my decisions, but who really knows how much pain and sorrow I felt inside? I kept hoping for a happy, cheerful life and wondered how I could ever make things different. At that time, I was influenced by others in diminishing myself, worrying about whether this was the path I shouldn’t take, considering if maybe I should follow the road I should pursue. If I followed every inner thought, what outcome might arise? No one knows. Yet, now I’ve become who I am, maybe never what I truly wanted, but what can be done? There’s really no way to change any of this. Desires go unmet, and unwanted burdens are constantly pressed down upon me. Everything makes my heart feel so painful, time and time again. I wish this wouldn’t happen, wish everything wouldn’t be so bleak and painful, yet it’s crushing me with no escape.

Recalling all the bits and pieces of my past experience, I can barely comprehend how I managed to get through those difficult times, relying on sheer resilience time and time again. I’ve reached where I am through my own effort, step by step, never having considered what I should do. Each mistake I’ve made is something I deeply didn’t want to accept, yet there’s nothing I can do, because I know only through my own effort could I reach this point without bowing lightly. I will not let anyone underestimate me easily.

Mom and Dad, deep down you also look down on me, right? Because my actions surely brought you disappointment; in your hearts, I hold no redeeming value. In your world, your son amounts to nothing, is nothing, because everything I do seems beyond your understanding. But do you realize the harm, the pain your actions have caused me? I’m afraid and wish I could live a happy life, but I can’t. I can’t forget all the ridicule I’ve endured. Even if I eventually achieve my goals and reach the pinnacle of my life, it’s equivalent to my own effort, unaided by anyone. I wish for support from others, but there’s no way. My parents can’t help me, for they haven’t even provided basic companionship; how can they offer help? Locked in my room, reminiscing over all experiences throughout my life, all its ups and downs—the exhaustion I’ve felt, not understanding how I managed to survive this far, rising step by step from depression, fearing betrayal by everyone, fearing harm, and dreading encountering a different life altogether.