Chapter 226: Guilt and Shame

Elara:

Every morning, without fail, I received a message from Esme wishing me good morning. Sometimes it was a simple greeting, while on other days, it came with a small comment about the weather, a reminder to eat properly, or a question about what I had planned for the day. He never demanded immediate replies, and if I was busy, he simply waited until I had time to respond.

Then at least three nights every week, he invited me into one of his dreamscapes, where we would spend hours talking about everything and nothing. He always asked how my day had gone, whether Jasper had been particularly ruthless during training, and whether I was still having nightmares. He never treated my nightmares as something insignificant, nor did he make me feel as though I was burdening him by talking about them. Sometimes, he simply listened. Other times, he helped distract me with stories, gentle teasing, or little demonstrations of his magic.

He had also continued helping me understand my Ice magic and introducing me to the finer details of Water magic, his secondary element. His explanations were patient, and he never made me feel foolish for asking questions. Whenever I struggled with something, he would patiently demonstrate it again rather than take over.

And it wasn’t only his magical guidance that made his company so comforting. He had once again sent me the herbal tea and a carefully prepared essence set to help improve my sleep, remembering the things I had mentioned during one of our conversations. He even made sure his gestures remained discreet. He knew I didn’t want to become the centre of academy gossip because one of the heirs of a ruling family had decided to court me. He respected that boundary without making me feel as though I was asking him to hide his feelings.

Even during the day, when we crossed paths, he never did anything that would draw unnecessary attention. A quiet greeting, a brief conversation, or a thoughtful message later was enough. He was giving me space while making it perfectly clear that he wasn’t going anywhere.

Honestly, only someone with a heart made of stone could remain completely unaffected by such sincerity. And I certainly wasn’t heartless. The truth was that I wanted to accept him. I wanted to tell him that I liked him, that I looked forward to his messages every morning, and that the nights I spent in his dreamscapes had become some of my favourite moments of the week. I wanted to reach for his hand without wondering whether I was crossing a line, to lean against his shoulder without having to remind myself that he was courting me and I hadn’t given him an answer yet. I wanted to see where things could go between us.

There was nothing about Esme’s feelings that made me hesitate. He was thoughtful, patient, handsome, and genuinely kind. More importantly, I knew his affection wasn’t some political obligation or an attempt to gain influence over the Crown Princess. He had already made it clear that his feelings were his own, and every day since then, he had given me more reasons to believe him.

But there was one thing I couldn’t ignore, no matter how desperately I wanted to.

I didn’t feel this way about Esme alone.

And until I could confess to him the feelings I carried for the other men, I couldn’t bring myself to give him the answer he deserved.

"Elara?"

Esme’s gentle voice pulled me out of my thoughts. I blinked and turned toward him, only to find those beautiful green eyes already watching me with quiet curiosity. He tilted his head slightly, as though trying to understand what had made me so distant all of a sudden.

I opened my mouth, finally intending to tell him everything. I wanted to confess that I was attracted to his friends too, that my feelings were far more complicated than he probably imagined, and that there were things about my heart I hadn’t been able to make sense of. But the moment I tried to form the words, a heavy wave of guilt washed over me. Shame followed close behind, leaving me unable to meet his gaze.

How could I possibly tell him that while he had been spending the last three weeks sincerely courting me, I had been entertaining thoughts of being romantically involved with other men? What kind of person did that make me?

I lowered my eyes, feeling increasingly uncomfortable with my own thoughts. Esme hadn’t done anything to deserve this. He had been patient, considerate, and honest about his intentions from the very beginning. He wasn’t playing games with me or keeping me around while he decided what he wanted. He had made his feelings clear, and he was giving me the time and space to decide whether I wanted to reciprocate them.

Meanwhile, I was sitting beside him, enjoying every moment of his attention while secretly wondering what it would be like to be with someone else. If I accepted his feelings while continuing to harbour romantic thoughts about his friends, wouldn’t I be deceiving him? Even if I never acted on those feelings, wasn’t it unfair to begin a relationship while part of me was still imagining possibilities with other men?

I had always believed that a serious relationship required honesty, loyalty, and the willingness to choose the person standing beside you. I couldn’t expect Esme to offer me those things while I was still struggling to decide whether I wanted them with him alone. The very thought made me feel like a hypocrite.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, forcing myself to calm down. I couldn’t keep running around in circles inside my own head. If I wanted to make a decision, I needed to be honest with myself first.

There were five men I had developed some degree of attraction toward, and I needed to stop pretending that all those feelings were equally important or that every possibility deserved to remain open.

Perhaps the problem wasn’t that I couldn’t choose. Perhaps I had simply been too reluctant to eliminate the possibilities that were never going to lead anywhere.