Chapter 69: I’m Not Running

Astrid

I woke up still hearing it. If you ever let me have those things, I want it to be because you chose me.

I tried convincing myself I was still uncomfortable purely because of the circumstances. Then I admitted the truth. I wasn’t frightened by Reed wanting me.

I was frightened by how much of me wanted him back.

I got dressed and headed to breakfast, and instead of choosing a seat far from the twins the way I usually did, I sat down beside them.

Xander noticed immediately, one eyebrow lifting. "Should we be worried?"

"Eat your breakfast," I said.

He grinned. Reed said nothing, though I caught him glancing my way more than once. I realized then that they’d stopped chasing me entirely. They were simply waiting for me to decide.

And strangely, I missed being close to them.

Ivy noticed I was distracted the moment we walked into the academy together.

"What’s wrong?" she asked.

I nearly told her about Reed’s confession, then caught myself, embarrassed. She asked about the twins instead.

"Are you still avoiding them?"

I thought about it. "No."

"That’s new."

"I’m still afraid of what this means," I admitted. "But I’m not afraid of them."

That distinction mattered more than I expected saying it out loud. My fear had always been tangled up with the twins themselves, but they hadn’t done anything to make me unsafe. The problem was everything around them, the bond, the family, what accepting any of it would actually mean for my life.

Ivy didn’t push. "Then figure out what you’re afraid of. Don’t punish them for it."

That stuck with me the rest of the morning.

During project work, I noticed Reed keeping deliberate distance, polite, helpful, entirely normal, but careful never to lean too close, never to brush against me unless he absolutely had to. Knowing why made every small gap between us impossible to ignore.

I finally caught him alone outside the library while Xander searched for a reference inside.

"Are you avoiding me?" I asked.

He didn’t lie. "I’m trying not to make things harder for you."

"The rut?"

He nodded.

"You’re still staying away because I haven’t made up my mind," I said.

"I told you yesterday. Your choice matters."

"What if I don’t want you to stay away?"

That caught him. "Then tell me."

"I don’t know what I want yet," I admitted.

"I know."

"But I know I don’t want you treating me like I’m something you have to avoid."

His expression softened. "I can do that." Then, quieter, "Just don’t ask me to pretend I don’t want you."

My face warmed. "I wasn’t planning to."

That evening, the three of us worked on the project in the apartment, Xander keeping the mood light with a running commentary that kept the whole thing from feeling too heavy. We were sorting through the notes we’d recovered from Selene, and I noticed Reed sitting slightly farther from me than usual.

Instead of letting the distance stand, I moved my chair closer. He looked at me. But I ignored it, focusing on the papers in front of me.

A few minutes later, our shoulders touched. He went completely still. I noticed but didn’t move away.

Xander noticed too, and for once didn’t say anything, letting the silence stretch between the three of us. I slowly set my hand down beside Reed’s on the table. Our fingers brushed. I hesitated.

He didn’t move.

I remembered what he’d told me. Because you chose me. So I chose. I took his hand. He looked down at our joined hands, then at me. "Are you sure?"

"I don’t know," I admitted.

His expression turned serious. I squeezed his hand slightly. "But I’m sure I want this." I wasn’t saying I’d accepted the bond. I was saying I wanted to hold his hand.

He closed his fingers gently around mine, nothing more, and somehow that small gesture felt more intimate than anything we’d shared so far.

I understood, sitting there, that the bond hadn’t made me do this. I had. Later, Xander found me alone. He didn’t joke right away. "Did something happen with Reed?" he asked.

"I held his hand," I said.

"I noticed," he said, smiling faintly. Then his expression shifted. "Are you choosing him?"

"No," I said immediately.

He studied me. I explained I hadn’t figured everything out, that I barely knew what I was doing myself.

"That sounds like you," he said, laughing softly.

I smiled, then made myself say the rest. "I don’t want you thinking I’m choosing Reed and pushing you away."

His teasing dropped for a moment. "You don’t have to explain yourself to me."

"I know."

"But?"

"But I wanted you to know."

He went quiet, then smiled again, softer this time. "Whenever you’re ready, trouble."

I reached out and touched his arm briefly. He let me, no pressure, no expectation, just another small step forward.

That night I called Ivy, and she noticed something had changed the second I spoke.

"You sound different," she said.

I denied it, then finally admitted it. "I held Reed’s hand."

She practically celebrated on the other end of the line. I told her not to make it a bigger deal than it was. "You spent weeks saying you wanted them to leave you alone," she said, serious now. "And now?"

I glanced toward the living room, where I could hear Xander laughing at something on his phone, then toward Reed’s closed bedroom door. "I don’t want them to leave," I said.

"Then what do you want?"

I couldn’t answer right away. "I want to find out."

She laughed. "Then that’s your answer for tonight."

I went back out to the living room afterward and found Reed sitting alone. We talked quietly for a while. "I’m still scared," I admitted.

"You’re allowed to be," he said.

"What if I never stop being scared?"

"Then we’ll take it slowly."

I looked at him. "What if I want to take a step?"

His eyes settled on mine. "Then I’ll let you."

That sentence landed harder than I expected. He wasn’t going to take the decision away from me. Wasn’t going to use the bond, or the rut, or anything else to push me somewhere I wasn’t ready to go.

He was simply waiting.

I moved closer. One step, then another, until we were standing close enough that I could feel the warmth coming off him. He didn’t move.

I looked at his mouth. Then his eyes. For one second, I thought I might actually do it. Then fear flickered, sharp and sudden, and I stopped. Reed didn’t look disappointed. He simply waited.

"Not tonight," I whispered.

He nodded once. "Okay."