Chapter 76: Disgustingly, Violently clean

The party kept walking, and walking, and walking... in complete silence. Their discussion wasn't about who was the strongest, but about who was the most pathetic.

Damn.

Valeria, Seraphina, and Nya were still following them, constantly complaining about something and completely ignoring their earlier conversation.

Ah! But there was some news! Seraphina had changed into a complete maid outfit for no particular reason, and Valeria had written a love letter to Mordecai. Nya? She just kept purring, occasionally licking her wrists and rubbing her belly. 

-

Scrik.

Scrik.

Scrik.

A hidden entity was lurking in the dark...

-

Luna, who had been walking with her hands tucked neatly into the folds of her new, anti-fan-service enchanted dark elf robes, suddenly paused. Her long, elegant ears twitched, and her nose wrinkled slightly as she took a calculated, deep breath of the tunnel air.

"Wait," Luna muttered, her sharp eyes scanning the dark corridor ahead. "The atmospheric quality has shifted. I smell... lemon. And pine. And a very distinct, chemical undertone of high-density bleaching chlorine."

Kaz stopped dead in his tracks, and the entire group instantly blocked their movement. The sudden halt caused Valeria’s heavy greatsword to clank softly against her armor plates.

"Nya..." the cat-girl chimed, her furry ears erecting straight up into the air as her tail puffed out like a bottle-brush. "I smell it too, Nya. It’s an odor that shouldn't exist in a subterranean cave system. It’s clean. It’s... disgustingly, violently clean."

And then, filtering through the cold, dead silence of the obsidian corridor, they heard it.

Scrik. Scrik. Scrik.

It was the rhythmic, precise, and utterly ruthless sound of a high-absorbency microfiber cloth being dragged across a surface already polished to an atomic level of purity.

Jin’s face drained of every single drop of color, turning a translucent, ghostly white. "No. No, no, no, no, no..." he whimpered, "IT'S HIM!" He continued, his knees instantly buckling as he lunged forward, grabbing Kashime by the back of his leather coat and pulling the edgelord in front of him to act as a human shield.

"Are you actually serious right now?" Kashime growled, trying and failing to shake the trembling solo player off his back. "You are supposedly a Level 80 solo cheater. You have slaughtered entire legions of high-level mobs, you have fought entity variants, and you are currently weeping behind my coat because of a... housekeeping employee?"

"YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN HIS EYE-FLAMES TURN CRIMSON! HIS MOP!" Jin shrieked in absolute terror, his voice cracking spectacularly.

Kashime sighed, adjusting his long coat, but as he looked around at the ruined, shattered dungeon party, a sudden wave of quiet relief washed over his cynical mind.

‘Thank the heavens I ordered my own party to stay far away from this expedition,’ Kashime thought to himself, his fingers brushing against the cold steel of his magical revolver. ‘I just hope they’re making it safe back at the capital estate, drinking juice boxes and staying far away from whatever corporate hellscape this is.’

Kaz was the only one who didn't react like that, while the three 'rescued' adventurers just looked into each other's eyes and smirked maliciously.

As all the party stepped past the next stone buttress, the source of the noise was finally revealed.

Kneeling in the center of the wide corridor, completely engulfed in a small halo of magical, energy-efficient light, was... Larry.

The Skeleton Janitor was wearing his pristine blue coveralls and his bright, gleaming yellow rubber gloves, focusing his entire undead soul on scrubbing an invisible speck of dirt from the stone.

Next to him stood Carry in her maid outfit, holding a clean microfiber cloth, diligently polishing a brass steam pipe running along the wall until it gleamed like gold.

The floor in a ten-meter radius around them was so heavily waxed and polished it looked exactly like a sheet of pure, frozen black ice.

In that moment, Jin froze so violently that his physical character model literally glitched, his soul briefly separating from his body in a translucent blue outline before snapping back into his avatar with a soft pop.

Sensing the heavy, chaotic vibration of approaching footsteps, Larry smoothly stopped his scrubbing and rotated his skull backward with a clean, well-lubricated mechanical click. His deep eye sockets locked onto the massive, armed party, and the starry white flames within his sockets burned with a calm, peaceful, and entirely professional brightness.

Everyone felt the weight of his gaze on them, like he was staring directly into their souls.

As Larry slowly stood up, he tucked his scrubbing cloth into his back pocket and began to walk toward the group.

Jin let out a strangled, high-pitched squeak, squeezing his eyes shut as he braced for absolute execution. Kaz braced his feet, his hands tensing inside his tracksuit pockets, while Kashime subtly unlocked the safety on his firearm.

"Okay, I remember that the Dark Lord of this place said not to disturb him, so we'll be fine if we don't do anything," Kaz said, swallowing some saliva.

"He's walking towards us... We still have to be careful," Kashime said.

Luna, on the other hand, didn't seem bothered or scared, not at all. She just kept observing the situation and used her [DARK ELVES REVEAL MAGIC] skill to see his stats and skills.

A system screen flickered in front of her.

[MAGIC SCAN COMPLETED]

[ENTITY: LARRY]

[JOB: SKELETON JANITOR, HEAD OF LOGISTICS AND CLEANING SERVICES AT RAVENLOFT HOLDINGS]

[LEVEL: ??? ERROR]

[STATS: ?!?? ERROR]

[SKILLS: THUMBS-UP]

[KARMA: EXTREMELY PURE AND SWEET]

[SYSTEM TIP: DON'T TOUCH HIS SPOONS!]

'What is that...?' Luna said, 'I've never seen something like that. That's quite... interesting.'

As Larry walked closer, he didn't draw a weapon; Instead, his eye flames flickered with an unmistakable spark of curiosity as his gaze landed on the three girls standing behind Kaz: Nya, Valeria, and Seraphina.

He kept walking, completely ignoring the edgelords, and stopped right in front of the rescued girls.

Then, he tilted his skull to the left. Then to the right. And, in the end, he scratched his skull.

After that 'scan', he raised a yellow rubber glove and heavily scratched the top of his smooth, bone-white cranium, emitting a hollow tock-tock-tock sound.

He had clearly recognized them from the base.

Scrik Scrik Scrik. 

Larry looked at them again, and then, before anyone could stop him, Larry stepped forward and raised his hand. He placed his bright yellow rubber glove directly on top of Valeria's fiery silver hair and began to aggressively, rhythmically pat her head.

Pat. Pat. Pat.

Valeria’s face instantly flushed a violent, explosive shade of crimson. Her eyes went completely wide, her mouth opening and closing as she stood frozen under the touch of the janitor. "M-M-M-Monster...!" she stammered, entirely unable to deploy her usual tsundere defense matrix because she was terrified of breaking company protocol.

While Larry was busy patting Valeria's head, Carry — still holding her Swiffer — tilted her skull toward the rest of the group, raised her free hand, and gave a small, polite wave. 👋

"She waves," Kaz muttered, his eye twitching. "The maid skeleton waves. Of course she does."

Jin kept standing behind Kashime, who was silent, watching the scene in complete confusion.

Luna adjusted her glasses, scribbling another note. "Fascinating. The custodial assistant appears to possess basic social etiquette. That is already more than half of this party."

"Luna, please," Kaz sighed.

Larry then slid his hand over to Seraphina’s head, giving her maid-banded hair a gentle, affectionate patting as well.

Pat. Pat. Pat.

"Te-hee!" Seraphina giggled instinctively, closing her eyes. "Good boy!"

Larry let out a satisfied scrik of his jaw, completely missing the fact that she had just spoken.

Then, he turned his attention to Nya and reached deep into his blue coveralls, pulling out a magnificent, flawlessly polished, stainless-steel soup spoon soo incredibly clean it practically radiated a holy aura.

Larry held it out and offered it to the cat-girl like a prize.

In that moment, Nya's feline instincts completely overrode her human intellect.

Her eyes dilated into massive black saucers, and her tail whipped through the air in pure excitement.

She immediately snatched the shiny spoon from Larry's glove, shoved the handle directly into her mouth, and began to gnaw on it and shake her head exactly like a dog chewing on a prized bone.

"Thank you, Larry!" Nya mumbled happily through the steel handle, her tail swishing with joy.

The entire corridor fell into a dead, absolute silence.

Valeria’s soul practically left her body while Seraphina slapped both hands over her mouth, her eyes wide with panic.

Kaz slowly lowered his hands from his tracksuit pockets. He narrowed his eyes, his gaze shifting from the chewing cat-girl to the little skeleton, and then to Valeria.

"Hey," Kaz said, his voice entirely deadpan, dripping with suspicion. "How exactly do you know his name is Larry? And why is a dungeon mob handing out silverware like he's her proud uncle?"

Valeria’s silver hair practically stood on end.

She flailed her arms wildly in the air, her voice launching into a panicked, defensive shriek. "A-A-Are you blind, you tracksuit-wearing idiot?! Can't you see his name is written right there on his name tag?! It says Larry! L-A-R-R-Y! It's perfectly obvious, baka! Anyone with half a brain could read it! Hmpf!" She then pouted and crossed her arms.

Larry gave her a thumbs-up 👍 in return.

"NO! I mean... no. I just... I don't understand."

"Welcome to the club," Kaz said, turning back around. "None of us do."

As Valeria huffed and crossed her arms with a dramatic "Hmpf!", a small piece of parchment fluttered from her pocket and drifted to the floor. On it, written in elegant calligraphy with little hearts drawn in the margins, was the single word: "Mordecai."

Kaz stared at it. Then at Valeria. Then back at the parchment.

"What," Kaz said flatly, "the actual hell."

Valeria's face turned an impossible shade of crimson. "I-IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK! IT'S A... A FORMAL COMPLAINT ABOUT WORKPLACE CONDITIONS! BAKA!" She snatched the parchment from the floor and shoved it back into her pocket, refusing to make eye contact with anyone. "Hmpf!"

Larry tilted his skull, watching the exchange with mild curiosity, then gave Valeria another reassuring thumbs-up. 👍

Jin, still hiding behind Kashime, slowly peeked out from behind the edgelord's shoulder and watched Larry give a cheerful thumbs-up to Valeria.

"He's... he's giving her a thumbs up," Jin whispered, his voice trembling. "He's not cleaning us... He's... he's being friendly?"

Kaz glanced at him over his shoulder. "Are you disappointed?"

Jin didn't reply.

"Confused is the correct word here," Kashime sighed, clearly bothered by Jin.

Kaz blinked, clearly not understanding the situation, but he was sure about one single thing: that skeleton was friendly and unoffensive.

Then, after some instants, he stepped closer, leaning forward to inspect the little skeleton's chest.

Sure enough, pinned neatly to Larry’s blue coveralls was a clean, modern plastic badge. But it wasn't written in the ancient runes of Aethelgard. It was printed in crisp, perfectly legible, modern Arial font: [LARRY - CUSTODIAL LEAD].

Kaz stared at the badge and looked at the perfectly stamped English letters. Then he looked at Valeria, who was sweating profusely, and then at Nya, who was still aggressively chewing on the stainless-steel spoon.

Kaz wasn't stupid. In fact, he was a veteran of navigating ridiculous situations.

He looked at the modern plastic, the clean clothes, and realized with absolute certainty that this dungeon was not an SSS-Rank domain of ancient evil.

It was a corporate operation, and the girls behind him were clearly on the payroll.

'Come on, a kidnapped girl trapped in a dungeon would surely want to run away as soon as possible and be terrified of everything. Damn... how could we be so careless? And hey, did she just read his name in perfect English? Impossible for an NPC of this world.' He thought.

Kaz let out a long, slow sigh, rubbing the bridge of his nose.

He could expose them right now. He could scream, demand answers, and point out the absolute absurdity of a skeleton wearing a modern corporate ID badge.

But then he remembered the restrooms and the free water cooler.

‘If I blow their cover,’ Kaz thought to himself, a cold shiver running down his spine, ‘the Dark Lord might revoke my bathroom privileges. I might have to go back to using a hole in the dirt. No. I am not risking the hot water for a plot twist.’

Kaz casually dropped his hands back into his pockets, his expression returning to one of complete, unbothered apathy. "Right. The name tag. My bad. Carry on with your bone-chewing, cat-girl."

Valeria let out a massive, audible sigh of relief, sagging against a pillar, while Seraphina wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead.

Larry, entirely oblivious to the fact that he had almost caused a major corporate espionage scandal, turned his attention to the rest of the group and walked over to Jin, who was still weeping behind Kashime's coat.

"IIIIIIIH!" Jin squeaked.

"Kill me right now, please," Kashime said, clearly embarrassed by the whole situation.

"DON'T TOUCH ME! I HAVE TO SUMMON A WARRIOR ANT BEFORE A CERTAIN PERIOD OF TI-!" He yelled-

But Larry raised his yellow rubber glove and delivered a series of slow, comforting pats directly to the top of Jin’s messy, edgy black hair.

Pat. Pat. Pat.

👍

The skeleton then gave him a reassuring thumbs-up, as if to say, ‘There, there, edgelord. The floor is clean now. No need to cry.’

Jin’s sobbing stopped instantly, and he stared at the yellow glove, his brain completely flatlining as the terrifying janitor treated him like a sad toddler.

Larry then hopped over to Kaz. He reached up, his glove making a soft SQUISH sound as he patted the boy in the green tracksuit right on his head.

Pat. Pat. Pat.

👍

Kaz stood perfectly still, letting the skeleton pat his hair. "Thanks, little bones. I appreciate the professional courtesy."

Larry let out a cheerful scrik of his jaw, turned around, and walked back to his bucket. He had completely ignored Kashime.

He gave Carry a quick, supportive 👍 and the two of them immediately knelt back down, returning to their methodical scrubbing.

Scrik. Scrik. Scrik.

"See?" Kaz muttered, adjusting his collar. "He's completely amicable. He literally just gave us all a corporate blessing. Now let's just move past them before someone actually breaks a rule."

"Yes. Please. Let us generate distance immediately," Jin whispered, his voice broken but calm as he scrambled to his feet, keeping his eyes firmly locked on the floor.

As they were about to walk, a sharp, familiar pulse of deep purple mana suddenly rippled through the stone ceiling. A large, corporate communication orb materialized in the air above Larry, and the smooth, baritone voice of CEO Mordecai echoed throughout the corridor.

"Ah. I see you have officially arrived at our Active Maintenance and Quality Assurance Sector," Mordecai’s voice boomed, entirely calm, deeply authoritative, and slightly amused. "Welcome, valued adventurers."

Kaz raised his head, his brow furrowing in irritation. "What do you mean 'sector'? We took the path marked exit. We are supposed to be walking out of this ridiculous labyrinth."

"The egress point is indeed located further down this corridor," Mordecai replied smoothly, the sound of his [SSSSSS ORDINARY PEN] scratching against paper audible through the audio link. "However, before you can finalize your departure, you must complete a brief... let's call it a workplace behavioral aptitude assessment."

"I already hate this test," Kaz muttered.

"Have any of you, during your previous lives on Earth, ever participated in the recreational activity known as 'The Floor Is Lava'?" Mordecai asked...

And in that moment, everyone's face drained of all the blood.