Joy of Life

What was talked about between Chen Pingping in the wheelchair and the Emperor on the dragon chair remained a mystery for many years because no one had the authority to listen at the side, not even Eunuch Yao, who never left the Emperor’s side.

The conversation this night was similar to the two conversations that happened within a year outside the royal study. The words left the Emperor’s lips and entered the official’s ears. They did not reach a third person. However, Jingdou now knew that all the events of the coming months were completely arranged in secret by the Emperor and Chen Pingping. The ruler and official were only waiting in the darkness for their enemies to jump out before wiping them out all at once. The Qing Emperor joining hands with Director Chen made them far too powerful. They were actually able to hide everything from Jingdou for half a month.

Only now did people remember that many years ago, Director Chen had begun to accompany the Emperor on his glorious goal of unifying the world. The old man sitting in the wheelchair had rescued the Emperor a few times, so the Emperor had given him the greatest trust and glory. The people of the older generation never doubted Chen Pingping’s loyalty to the Emperor. This was a truth history had long proved. It was being demonstrated again in the present.

As for this conversation, the people of Jingdou had a great number of conjectures.

When Fan Xian left the Royal Palace to hurry home, he did not put his thoughts on the conversation in the royal study or wonder if the conversation would be about him. He guessed that the Emperor was just a bit lonely, so Chen Pingping was going to play the role of a loyal official and temporary friend.

The reality was not that different from his guess. In some ways, Fan Xian and his father, the Emperor, were very similar. If the Qing Emperor was the greatest actor in the world, having fooled the world for 20 years, then Fan Xian was the second greatest actor to have hidden his thoughts in his heart and fooled the Qing Emperor.

This was a battle of acting skills that had never happened before. They were battling with their hearts. Fan Xian lifted the curtain on the carriage and looked out at the silent but uneasy Jingdou streets at night in a daze. He thought gloomily to himself that it could be said he had obtained the Emperor’s absolute trust, so he was victorious again in his battle. But, why did they need to fight? How would they fight in the future?

The worry and anxiety on his face was not an act. They truly came from the depths of his heart, particularly the complicated joy, worry, and confusion between his brows. It completely expressed his feelings.

When he passed by that wheelchair, Fan Xian lowered his head in a bow and saw the trace of warmth and congratulation in Chen Pingping’s old eyes. He immediately understood that Sisi had indeed been taken by the Director. Since he was already in the capital, Sisi had already returned to the manor. He didn’t know if she had given birth yet, or if it was a boy or a girl.

Thinking of this, what attention did he have to think about the conversation in the royal study? His entire heart had already returned to the Fan manor. He urged his subordinate to whip the horse pulling the carriage. Too many people had died these few days. Even though he may have already become a father, Fan Xian only felt a faint satisfaction rather than being overjoyed. Wan’er was still in the manor and sorrowful about her mother’s death. He didn’t know how he was going to handle that after he returned to the manor.

The carriage didn’t stop in front of the Fan manor’s main door. Instead, it went right in from a side alley and stopped at the corner door that had been left in the back garden.

Without waiting for the carriage to come to a complete stop, Fan Xian jumped down. Smiling as he glanced at the wife of the Teng family, who welcomed him at the door, he headed toward his manor. He had only taken a few steps when his smile faded.

He didn’t do it purposely. It was just the rains of blood and the endless farewells in Jingdou crept in. The arrival of a new life was not enough to wash away the stench of blood that those deaths brought.

Passing the Flower Hall to get to the eastern room, he was not surprised to see that the lights were still shining. His father and Lady Liu were waiting for him in the room. The dim light splashed across Minister Fan’s face and illuminated his lines and the joy in those lines. Minister Fan was looking at an infant in Lady Liu’s arms. Although he barely managed to maintain the severe appearance of the master of the house, he could not hide the joy in his eyes.

Fan Xian entered the room. He first greeted his father and Lady Liu. Without glancing at the infant in Lady Liu’s arms, he directly turned his gaze toward the side of the bed to where Wan’er was sitting holding Sisi’s hands and quietly saying something.

Wan’er’s eyes were swollen like pink peaches and appeared pitiful. Her face had grown a good deal thinner. She was very pallid but forced a smile and chatted with Sisi lying on the bed. Fan Xian walked over. Without caring about the two elders in the room, he directly sat down beside Wan’er and looked at Sisi leaning against the pillows with a face full of smiles. He looked at the girl who had been his main servant girl and said, “You’re already a mother. How come you’re still awake this late?”

Although Sisi had been frightened during the month before she gave birth, with the protection of the Overwatch Council and being taken around the wilds around Jingdou by the old Chen cripple, she had not caught a chill. Instead, she had gained more exercise than ordinary pregnant women. Thus, her energy seemed better than ordinary women. In addition, this girl had grown up with Fan Xian and had been influenced into being more relaxed and at ease. Her personality was very lenient. She did not become pallid because of her pregnancy. On the contrary, her face became more well-rounded. She was increasingly a pretty young woman.

“Young master, I’ve been sleeping all day, I can’t sleep again.” Sisi still habitually called him the young master. Her face was filled with joy and the pride of a first-time mother. However, she forcefully suppressed it in her tone. Although her personality was open and bright, she was not a heartless and soulless idiot. She knew that a great deal had happened in Jingdou and the young mistress was in pain. She did not want to overstep any lines at this critical juncture.

Seeing the young master come in and not even glance at the infant in Lady Liu’s arms before coming to the side of the bed, Sisi began to wonder if the young master didn’t like the child. The light in her eyes dimmed slightly.

Even if Fan Xian had a clever heart, he did not really understand the thoughts of the women in the back garden of the manor. Seeing her expression, he thought that she was hurt because there had been no one keeping her company during her birthing process. He smiled and prepared to say a few consoling words.

He didn’t understand, but Lin Wan’er understood and Lady Liu understood. Seeing Lady Liu bringing the child over to the side of the bed, Wan’er smiled slightly and gave Fan Xian a meaningful look. Quietly she said, “Go see the baby girl.”

Fan Xian turned his head to see Lady Liu wearing a slightly criticizing expression while looking at him. Only then did he understand the problem. He smiled awkwardly to himself and received the infant from Lady Liu’s arms. Carefully holding her in his arms, he looked at the baby in the swaddling clothes.

The baby girl was truly not very pretty. Not only did she not compare to his appearance, she was even quite a ways away from Sisi’s large-eyed and animated appearance. As he looked, he couldn’t help but smile and thought that he was being muddle-headed. Naturally, a recently born infant would not be very pretty. It only mattered that she was healthy.

Lady Liu and the other two women watched as he fumbled in receiving the infant and received a fright. Not reacting in time, they watched him nervously, terrified that he didn’t know how to hold a young child. Lady Liu got ready to stretch out her hands and snatch the infant back. Unexpectedly, Fan Xian bent his left elbow slightly, using his arm to support the neck, and patted gently with his right hand. He held her quite nicely.

Seeing this sight, everyone let out a breath. Even Minister Fan looked at him with an odd gaze. The long-depressed Wan’er couldn’t hold back a small smile. At this moment, Fan Xian only had eyes for his daughter. What care did he have for the looks of others? He did not know that in this world, a man willing to hold a child, particularly in a large family like theirs, was a rarity. Furthermore, being as familiar as him and seeming like an old nanny was even more shocking.

Fan Xian held the child and said gently to Sisi, “Recently, the situation has not been stable. It’s been hard for you. But, you know me. Not looking at the child when I came was not because I don’t like her. It is just that in my eyes that a child is never as important as an adult. For you to be safe is the most important part.”

Having received Lady Liu and Wan’er’s secret criticism, Fan Xian understood why Sisi was gloomy earlier. He smiled and explained it a little without thinking much about. He had not thought that these words would elicit different feelings in Wan’er and Sisi’s hearts.

A wave of sweetness washed through Sisi’s heart. Shortly after, she remembered that when she was younger, the young master used to mutter all the time that a childbirth was the hardest on the mother and that a son or a daughter were all the same and other such nonsense things. Although she was happy in her heart, she didn’t show it too much in front of Wan’er. She knew that the young mistress had always been very kind to her and had really wanted a child these two years.

Thinking of this, Sisi missed Fan Xian’s last two sentences. Carefully, she glanced at the young mistress standing with her head down and a warm smile. For some reason, her heart jumped. She felt sad for the young mistress.

The thoughts of the women in this room were complicated, but Fan Xian held his daughter and looked at her closely. The more he looked, the more he liked her. When he had entered the room, he had only been thinking about Sisi’s health and Wan’er’s mood. He had completely disregarded this daughter. Now that he was holding her and feeling the softness and tenderness of her little body through the cloth, seeing the lines on her forehead, and watching her occasionally pursing her lips, the tip of his heart became softer and softer.

The biggest difference between men and women was that women were pregnant for 10 months and then worked hard to give birth. She had long cultivated 10 months of affection. In addition to the hard work, blood, and pain that she paid, she already had a deep affection for the child when it was born. However, men’s affection needed to see, hold, and experience the child to become deeper and deeper, particularly someone like Fan Xian, who was the busiest person in the world.

While Sisi was pregnant, he was practically never there. So, he did not have any powerful feelings for the child. As he held her, the feeling came. He held her more and more carefully. Gazing dazedly at the little girl in his arms, he thought to himself, Is this my daughter? In the future, she will definitely be very beautiful and forceful. In the future, this pair of tightly closed eyes could grow larger and larger and more and more beautiful.

After the tip of his heart softened, it gradually felt happy and sad. For some reason, Fan Xian felt that his nose was a little blocked. These kinds of feelings were too complicated. Even he didn’t know what words to use to describe it. He only knew one thing: his disastrous and difficult but fortunate two tries at life finally had a continuation in this world.

At this moment, he thought that even he died right now, he had still left something in this world.

Unlike the rows of books in the home of the Jingdou Magistrate, this kind of feeling was more powerful, alive, touching, and indescribable.

After holding the infant for a while, Wan’er, who had been watching from the side, received the child with instruction from Lady Liu and a demonstration from Fan Xian and held her tenderly in her arms.

According to the rules in this world, this was also her child. This kind of tenderness was true and real. Fan Xian smiled as he watched the tenderness and curiosity in his wife’s eyes. Only now did he remember that his wife was not very old and under his protection. She was not all that different from a young girl. Watching Wan’er holding the child seemed to quietly remove some of the sorrow in her heart. He also felt better.

It was already late into the night. Everyone was a little tired. However, the first new life of the third generation of the Fan manor made everyone excited. Even Minister Fan remained in the room without a care to propriety, watching this scene joyfully and unwilling to go rest.

In the end, it was Lady Liu who chatted and laughed. She had the nanny and wet-nurse, who had been waiting outside, come in and take the child and stand to the side. She then urged everyone to go rest as soon as possible.

When Minister Fan left, he suddenly thought of something and was going to call Fan Xian into the study to ask about the situation today in the Palace and the Emperor’s mood. Shortly after, he thought Fan Xian must be both mentally and physically exhausted after these few days. He’d finally had something happy, so why go bother him? So, he didn’t speak.

On the contrary, it was as the two elders were leaving that Fan Xian spoke happily. “Father, when I was in Jiangnan I asked you to choose a name. I still don’t know what name this girl was given.”

He asked happily, but Minister Fan glanced at Lady Liu. His gaze was complicated. Shortly after, he calmly said, “There is no rush to name a girl. It’s is fine to give her a nickname first to call her by.”

“Fan Xiaohua,” Fan Xian smiled and said. “Her nickname had long been decided.”

As he said this, both Lin Wan’er and Sisi were not happy. They thought themselves, How could a family of this level have such a vulgar name? However, Sisi didn’t speak in front of everyone. Wan’er had noticed the mood of her father-in-law. Her heart jumped, but she also didn’t say anything.

Fan Xian and Wan’er looked at each other and only then remembered something. Their expressions became awkward. Waiting until after Minister Fan and Lady Liu left, he couldn’t resist shaking his head. Sighing, he looked at his daughter in the arms of the old nanny and said, “Will even her name have to wait until the Palace grants one?”

Sisi heard this and received quite a fright, thinking, What was this all about? Shortly after, she thought about the young master’s other identity and quickly pressed her lips together, not daring to express any opinion.

Lin Wan’er looked at him and quietly said, “I’ve heard the old master say that your courtesy name was also given by the Palace. I think it won’t be just a name. At the latest, the day after tomorrow, the Emperor will have you take the child into the Palace. Granting a name is an event. The Palace will probably send a group of old nannies and wet-nurses here for you to choose.”

The tip of Fan Xian’s brows twitched as he smiled coldly. “Those miscellaneous people from the Palace… Let them come. We’ll just keep them separated.”

Naturally, he had the confidence to say this. He was someone who slapped the empress dowager. After saying this, their own nanny holding the female infant began to feel afraid. The wet-nurse behind her also lowered her head, not daring even to breathe loudly.

Fan Xian glanced at them and calmly said, “Looking after the young lady usually will depend on you, but the wet-nurse won’t be needed. Tomorrow, the young mistress will go talk to the mistress.”

Wan’er looked at him in confusion and wondered what her husband was doing. Why was he chasing the wet-nurse away? She watched as Fan Xian sat back down on the bed and asked Sisi with a smile, “Do you have milk?”

Sisi was embarrassed and nodded. Fan Xian smiled and said, “Then it’s settled. The child should be raised by you. How can we have the wet-nurse nurse the child?”

Fan Xian thought to himself, What do you all know about the importance of mother’s nursing? How much would Colostrum sell for in that world? Doctors had said that the mother’s nursing affected the infant’s psychological development. He knew that if he said these things out loud, no one would be able to understand him in this world. So, he didn’t discuss it with the two women and came to a decision on his own.

To the side, the wet-nurse had her head down and didn’t say anything, secretly thinking to herself, What was wrong with wet-nurses? After all, the Fan family was able to go up in the world because the old grandmother in Danzhou nursed a number of children from the royal family. However, their own nanny had realized something odd. She stared dumbstruck at the young master wondering if the young master was going to have the second mistress personally nurse the young lady. This was breaking major rules. Tomorrow, she had to go talk about it with the old master and mistress.

Fan Xian didn’t know what this old woman was thinking about and didn’t care. He had struggled in this world for 20 years. If he couldn’t even decide how to raise his own daughter without others making random remarks, then he had lived a wasted life.

Sitting by Sisi again and talking a little, he realized that she was tired again and forcefully keeping her eyes open to talk. Unwilling to let her do so, Fan Xian smiled and said, “Go sleep. In the past in Danzhou, you were already lazier than me.”

Seeing Sisi about to speak then stop, Fan Xian smiled. “Being in Jingdou for a few years has really muddled you up. I had already said when I was little that a boy or a girl is all the same. Although this isn’t the law of the land, it is the rule of this family.”

…

…

After returning to the main bedroom, maids that had long been rubbing their sleepy eyes bought hot water and got ready to help the young master and mistress go to bed. Fan Xian waved his hand and sent them away. Helping Wan’er sit down on the side of the bed, he looked into her eyes seriously and said, “I know the rules in a big family. When a concubine has a child, they all live with the wife.”

Tears spun around Lin Wan’er eyes, but they didn’t leak out. These few days, she had received an immeasurable shock. Her heart was filled with sorrow, but she had nowhere to spill it. Sisi had come home. Although she remembered in her heart that the female infant was Fan Xian’s flesh and bone, and she had been happy and still felt a faint gratitude toward Sisi, the emotions in her heart were, in the end, complicated.

Since Fan Xian was faintly hinting that he did not want her to intervene, the intersecting emotions made Wan’er feel unstoppable sorrow. She was born noble. Her birth was unusual. Her personality was like ice, but her simple happiness carried a long hidden and unexpressed intelligence. In the end, she was a woman. All mortal women had meticulous thoughts.

Fan Xian gazed at her silently. He knew that the death of the Eldest Princess, the death of the Second Prince, and the blood stench of the royal family was a heavy burden that was difficult for his wife to bear. Using as gentle a voice as possible, he said, “Your thoughts have gone off, right? I just don’t want those wet-nurses to taint our child. This child is ours, but Sisi is her birth mother. We can’t just take her away like this.”

Wan’er sighed and looked at her husband’s face in front of her knee. In a quiet voice, she said, “You don’t have to be so careful in front of me. I know you’re worried about me.” She gave a somewhat forced smile. “However, speaking of which, I am slightly jealous sometimes. Like the things you two say sometimes, I don’t understand it. What was that about the law of the country and the rule of the home?”

Fan Xian smiled helplessly. Sisi was someone who had grown up with him. Just like his sister that he had taught through letters, there were some things they shared of that world. He held his wife’s hands and quietly said, “In the future, I’ll tell you everything and only we will know. If other people want to know… hmph… I refuse to tell them.”

He paused, smiled and held his wife’s hands tightly. “Whatever carriages and sedan chairs, cars and cannons, I’ll tell you all about it.”

Wan’er’s head filled with fog as she listened. She knew what carriages and sedan chairs were, but what were cars and cannons? However, she knew that he was carefully cheering her up, so she forcefully hid the sorrow on her face. Lowering her head, she said, “I… want a child. Seeing where my brothers ended up, I don’t know what will happen in the future. Having a child is an extra bit of hope.”

These words were said lightly, but it made Fan Xian’s heart twist in pain. Particularly looking at Wan’er’s thin face, it was much slimmer than it was two years ago. Compared to Sisi, it seemed that she was the one who had just given birth and damaged her body. He felt extra tenderness for her. He knew what his wife was thinking. Furthermore, the development of that medicine was almost complete. He was 80 percent confident. With a teasing smile, he said, “Of course, you’ll have children. Let’s give Xiaohua’er a little brother, then our home will be lively.”

Wan’er took it as him cheering her up and smiled, not saying anything. Fan Xian looked at her with a furtive glance and said, “However, to have a child, there are a number of steps that need to be completed. Speaking of which, it’s already been half a year since we’ve been close.”

Wan’er smiled and psshed at him. Shortly after, she remembered that her husband was purposely making her smile. She remembered his good points and meticulous heart and, on the contrary, felt an additional sense of sadness. Fan Xian was only joking. So many people had died in the Palace, of course, the couple was not in the mood to do such a thing. He rose and brought over the basin water, which had become warm. He placed it in front of the bed. He directly took off Wan’er shoes and socks, which made her jump in fright.

“Just washing your feet. You’ve been running around inside and outside the Palace, you must have suffered a lot.” Fan Xian lowered his head and placed his wife’s bare feet into the basin. Scooping up water, he gently rubbed them.

Lin Wan’er looked at his hair and felt the threads of warmth coming from her feet. Her nose crinkled as she began to cry soundlessly. Fan Xian’s head was lowered, but he knew she was crying without raising his head. He knew of his wife’s sorrow but could not find any words to console her. He could only silently wash her feet and feel countless pricks of pain in his heart.

The sound of water gradually stilled. After working endlessly for a number of days, the mentally exhausted Fan Xian held Wan’er’s naked foot in his hand, leaned against her knee, and sank into his dreams, sleeping soundly just like a child. Wan’er tenderly and gently stroked his face. The tears at the corners of her eyes gradually dried. In a quiet voice, she said, “It’s not hard with you.”