Imperfect Desires

"That..." Darren wasn't sure about what to say.

"Don't worry. I'm not trying to force you," said Zhou Jinhai. "I just want you to give me a chance to be an elder brother again. There is nothing else I ask for." He pressed his lips together tightly as he looked at Darren with anticipation and nervousness. "I know I can't fix our past. But I do want to write the wrongs."

Darren sighed out as he gazed at him and nodded, "I have always respected you as my elder brother. And I never had anything against you either. I never blamed you for anything either. At first, I kept my distance from you because I didn't want you to come to a point where you'd have to choose between me or your mother. No matter who was right or wrong, I didn't want to put you in such a dilemma. Later with Chen Xiu..." His hands clenched and Xiu placed her hand over his clenched one as she offered him a gentle and reassuring smile, "Maybe I can't forget all of it but I won't let it come between us again as well."

Zhou Jinhai finally smiled as he relaxed a little, "Thank you!"

Later the three of them fell into silence as Zhou Jinhai continued to sneak a peek at Xiu with a complex emotion in his eyes. Noticing his eyes, Xiu couldn't help asking, "Do you have something to say to me?"

"I'm not certain whether I should be telling you this or not," said Zhou Jinhai. 

"Oh, is it because you still don't believe in reincarnation and stuff?" questioned Xiu with a straight face. "Whatever you have to say, is it for Chen Xiu?"

Zhou Jinhai didn't hide it as he nodded his head, "Indeed, what I want to say has everything to do with Chen Xiu. And I believe she'd have desperately wanted these answers."

From the moment Zhou Jinhai had come to rescue Xiu from his wife and his mother, he had heard about his wife's absurd talk regarding how Chen Xiu is back. No matter how desperately he wanted to believe it, he just couldn't bring himself to come to terms with the fact that the Xiu before him was actually the Chen Xiu he was once familiar with. 

That's why every time he faced her, he had a complicated look in his eyes. He neither wanted to believe this absurdity nor did he want to deny it. A part of him wanted her to be Chen Xiu and another part didn't want her to be Chen Xiu. And both reasons had his own selfishness. 

"Whatever it is, you can tell us," said Darren. As long as it was related to his wife in any way, he couldn't stop himself from learning about it. 

"It's about your mother... I mean Chen Hana," replied Zhou Jinhai as he gazed at Xiu who didn't give him a visible reaction. However, she was really interested in hearing what he had to say about Chen Hana. "I think Chen Xiu would have loved to know how she became Chen Xiu from Xin Xiulin."

Xiu straightened up as she looked at him, "You know the answer?"

Zhou Jinhai nodded his head, "I do. I just recently learned about it from someone."

"Someone?" repeated Xiu in confusion. 

"Liu Mingfan," answered Zhou Jinhai. "I believe you already know what kind of a relationship Liu Mingfan and Chen Hana had before everything went wrong."

"I do," said Xiu. "But later Chen Hana never had any relation with Liu Mingfan even though she still loved him."

"Yes, but after Chen Xiu's death, she had told him about Chen Xiu. How she met the little girl and what happened later on."

To say that Xiu wasn't interested in learning about that would be a lie. No one had found the answer to these questions. After all, the one who was most clear about everything was Chen Hana who was still in a coma and had no hope of ever waking up again. But Xiu didn't wish to live in darkness. She really wanted to know why his childhood memories were so chaotic. And why was her relationship so estranged with Chen Hana?

What really happened back then?

"Do you know the answers I need?" her voice was quite stiff when she asked that question with difficulty. She didn't know why she felt nervous when she was clearly close to knowing the answers she was looking for.

Zhou Jinhai nodded his head. He took a diary and placed it before her. "This belongs to Chen Hana and Uncle Liu had been keeping it for her. The reason why he never brought it out was that Chen Xiu was already dead and he didn't know what to do with all this information. When he learned that Chen Xiu was originally the daughter of the Xin family, he wanted to give this diary to Xin Zimen. However, I took it from him. I thought you'd like to learn the truth first."

Xiu's eyes didn't leave the diary that was placed before her. It was quite old and one could see it weathered quite a few storms. Xiu wanted to reach out to take it and read it but she also couldn't bring herself to do so. It was a conflict she couldn't seem to solve within her.

Zhou Jinhai stood up to leave as he said, "I believe you'd want to be alone. So, I'm gonna leave now."

"You can stay for lunch," offered Darren.

Zhou Jinhai shook his head, "Another time. For now, I should leave. Tomorrow, I'm going back to work. I wouldn't want to disappoint dad anymore."

"Best of luck," said Darren as he saw him out the door. But when he came back, Xiu was still sitting right there with her eyes still glued to that old diary. He could understand the conflict she was going through but he also knew she wasn't weak enough to back out.

She had always faced everything head first without any fear. It's not that she didn't fear anything, but it was just that she had become good at hiding her fear. Just like now, she scared that the answers she was looking for might really change all her beliefs all over again.