Imperfect Desires

"Something is twisting in my stomach."

Xiu's hands that were rubbing cocoa butter moisturizer on her body stopped right above her stomach. She could feel something twisting inside and usually, she would mistake it as having gas but now, she had been told by the doctor that the baby was growing and was starting to twist, turn, and kick in the womb.

She was after all in her 21st week of the pregnancy now. And these movements were becoming obvious. And along with these movements, something else was becoming obvious; her growing stomach. Now that she was officially 'fat', there was no one who could fool her. 

Darren looked over at her and pursed his lips, "Sweets, our little tiger must be uncomfortable inside. So, he is turning around to find a comfortable position."

Xiu looked at him and groaned. She tied the sleeping gown and placed an extra pillow behind her, "Yes, so he can find a comfortable position by making me uncomfortable."

Darren stared at her, "Is your back hurting a lot?"

"What do you think?" she retorted in a particularly bad mood. 

Even on normal days, Darren won't mind her bad mood much less now when he knew what changes she was going through during this period of time. He really didn't know what he could do to help.

"Are you hungry, Sweets?" he asked knowing well why her mood must be taking a turn for the worst in the middle of the night again.

"I am," groaned Xiu. 

"What do you want to eat?"

Xiu crossed her arms over her chest and sighed out, "I don't want to eat. Aren't I fat enough already?" Darren opened his mouth to say something but she shut him up saying, "Don't even dare say I'm not fat. Even a blind can see that I'm fat! Your reassurance is only gonna make me mad now!"

Darren pressed his lips together and swallowed the words that were at the tip of his tongue just now. He really couldn't say that she wasn't fat. As she just said, even a blind could see it. It was not just her stomach that was growing, her whole body had fattened up. Before pregnancy, no matter how much she ate, nothing could take effect on her. But now, as if only taking a whiff of the food would add a layer of fat on her body.

However, he particularly liked her like this. With a little meat on her bones, it was so comfy to hug her. He couldn't stop himself from always smiling like a fool. 

Just like any husband, he was also stuck on a crossroad. He could neither call her fat nor call her not fat. Either way, she'd be in a bad mood. 

So, he decided to change the tactic, "Sweets, it's not called being fat. It's called being healthy. It's pregnancy glow. Once the baby is here, you'll get back in shape in no time."

"Regan, I'm barely in my 21st week and I have gained so much weight. How much more will I gain till the baby comes out? Will I even be left with a way to get back in shape by that time?"

Darren rubbed her head, "Don't worry at all. Your weight is just right. We have discussed it with the doctor. Your diet is strictly planned. There is no way you'll gain weight more than necessary." He eased into her side and hugged her side, "So, please don't refuse to eat, eh? Not eating is not a solution. It won't help you with the weight at all. But it can harm you and the baby."

Xiu pouted her lips and thought about his words hard. She knew he was right. She even didn't know why she had been caring about the weight so much. She had never been conscious about her body. But now... 

She lowered her head as Darren passed her the nuts, raisins, granola bars, and other healthy snacks that he kept near the bed for her untimely hunger cravings. He could never compromise on her health. And not on their baby's health as well.

Xiu picked the nuts and ate slowly, Darren could feel her low spirit and rubbed the back of her neck as he said, "Actually, you're not really worried about the weight. Right?"

Xiu looked up at him.

"Tell me, what is it?" He urged patiently.

Xiu shook her head, "I also don't know. But I just don't feel okay. Something is changing inside me. And it's making me anxious."

"I'm also feeling anxious," he told her. Interlacing her fingers with his own, he went on, "You're feeling anxious because the reality of becoming a mother is finally hitting you. It's our first time being parents. And we both are a little nervous. But it's okay. We have each other. No, we also have so many people with us. It might be a little difficult at first but we'll be fine."

"Are you sure, we'll be fine?" she questioned.

"No," he answered. "I'm not sure about anything else. But I'm sure that I'll be here with you throughout this. I know we can't make some particularly great parents but we can try our best. We can try our best for our son. Can't we?"

Xiu nodded her head, "Yes, we can."

Darren smiled at her lovingly and kissed her temple, "That's good. Because I also can't do it alone. Just the idea of being a father is giving me goosebumps."

"Can we give him the home and love we both didn't get?" she questioned.

"Who knows?" he shrugged his shoulders. "As I said, we can try our best. We both aren't really good people. There is only so much we can do, Sweets."

"Baobei, I hope we make good parents," she said.

"I know," he hugged her close and continued to talk endlessly about the plans they had made.

It was inevitable that they'd be feeling a little anxious in this period of time. Since the time to hold their own son was coming closer and closer, this thought was scary to both of them. They both could be considered strong people since they both had faced so much since a young age. 

However, no one is ever prepared to be a parent. And they weren't prepared either. 

No, they were both genuinely happy. But it couldn't stop the fear from creeping in. After all, they both didn't have a good experience in their childhoods. It'd leave them with some apprehension that perhaps, they won't be able to become good parents. However, that was something only time could tell.

Their worry would definitely not help with much. But it was alright as long as they were together. 

"Do you want to tell everyone the gender of our baby?" asked Darren. 

They had gone to the doctor today and were finally able to find out the gender of the baby. It was no surprise to both of them it was indeed a little tiger. It was as if they had confirmed it from the beginning that it was gonna be a son so, they didn't even react to this information.

Even the doctor was surprised at how certain this couple had been about the gender of their baby.

  "It'll be fun seeing their reaction." Darren finally saw the first smile from her tonight and felt a little relaxed. He really didn't like seeing her low spirits. She was a cheerful person and that cheeriness suited her well. He couldn't feel comfortable with her serious face. It made him feel like something was about to go wrong.

"Indeed." He agreed. "The one who strongly argued that it's not a boy was Nora. Let's see how your best friend slash sister-in-law is gonna react to this news."

"Are we gonna make it grand?" she asked excitedly.

"We'll plan it however you want. If you want it to be grand, it'll be grand. If you want it to be simple, it'll be simple. Your wish is my command. As always!"

Xiu seriously started thinking about it whether to make it grand or not. And what way to use to reveal the gender of the baby. Although the whole family heard from her that it's a boy from the first day, they never confirmed it before. So, she was excited to see their reactions.

"Then leave it to me," said Xiu. "I want to plan it myself."

Darren naturally agreed with that. As long as she had something to keep her busy, at least, she won't think about nonsense. And she won't feel depressed as well. As the doctor said, it was normal for mothers to feel depressed and anxious during this period of time. But he needed to be careful to control her mood swings. 

So, Regan Darren Salvay would do anything to make his wife happy. No matter what it cost. All he wished for was a smile on her face. A genuine smile that made her look beautiful.