Imperfect Desires

Han Bohai was too used to people saying how a woman should get married early and how she is supposed to build her own family and blah blah blah. Maybe that's why he was a bit surprised by Su Xixi's words. 

"I heard you married early," said Han Bohai.

"I did," replied Su Xixi. "That was my choice. Just like staying single is a choice of my sister, Feifei." 

Han Bohai nodded his head.

"Do you know that you look like your mother?" 

Han Bohai's eyes widened in surprise as he stared at her, "You... Know my mother?"

"We come from the same circle," said Su Xixi. "I wasn't close to your mother but I still knew her. There is some impression of her in my mind. That's why I said that you look quite like her."

Han Bohai pursed his lips tightly, not saying anything. Whenever someone talked about his parents, he had nothing to say. It always made him feel empty and that's why he always avoided talking about them. The only person to whom he could show his vulnerability was Xiu. Other than her, he didn't want anyone to see how vulnerable he felt at the lack of a family.

"Can I ask you a question?" asked Hyson.

"Go ahead," replied Su Xixi.

"Why is your relationship so strange with Ah-Ying?"

Su Xixi played with the unlit cigarette in her hand and said, "There is nothing strange about our relationship. We are just like any other mother and daughter."

"Do you really believe what you're saying?" inquired Han Bohai.

"I do," she answered. "Just like any other daughter, she likes to see how much her mother loves her. And she does it by seeing how much I'd give in to her unreasonable requests. She is my daughter, I know how stubborn she is. I don't mind it. Because at the end of the day, she is my one and only daughter whom I love the most in this world."

"I am really not able to understand you both," said Han Bohai. "I know she loves you and I can see you love her. Why is there so much distance between you two then?"

"Distance?" repeated Su Xixi. She sighed out, "Don't worry. This distance is only between our physical bodies. Our hearts are still connected." She took a deep breath and said, "Anyway, it doesn't matter. Our relationship won't affect yours. All you have to do is stay by her side. She can't tell herself how much she needs you."

Han Bohai smiled at her, "I'll stay by her side. I don't have a habit of walking away."

Su Xixi nodded her head, "That's good. Now, you should leave before my daughter's eyes really pierce through my face."

Han Bohai turned around and found Ying's gaze glued on Su Xixi's face. It really looked like she was about to bore a hole in. He sighed while shaking his head and walked over to her side.

Holding her hand, he pulled her inside and said, "Let me freshen up, and then, we have a lot to discuss."

Ying silently followed him and waited for him. As he came out of the bathroom, he sat down on the bed beside her.

"What was she saying to you?" asked Ying. 

"What do you think?" retorted Han Bohai.

"She must have asked you to stay by my side and take care of me," replied Ying matter-of-factly.

"If you already know, why are you asking me?"

Ying looked at his face, "Because I wanted to hear it from you."

Han Bohai held her gaze as he said, "Then you must also know what I want to hear as well."

Ying's body slightly stiffened before she lowered her eyes. Han Bohai pulled out the bracelet and placed it before her eyes. 

"I found this with you," he said. "And it certainly doesn't belong to you."

"You recognize it even though it's been years?" she asked curiously.

"This bracelet was like Sister Xiu's second skin. I can't even remember the time when I had not seen her wearing this. It had been like her lucky charm. She said it made her feel protected."

Ying's heart shook as she looked at him and said, "Do you when this bracelet was given to its owner the person who gave it also said something similar. He said it's like protective gear. It'll stay with you when I'm not there to protect you."

Han Bohai's face hardened as he asked, "Who are you talking about?" He observed her expressions as he went on, "And what do you know? Did you know my Sister Xiu? Did you really know Chen Xiu?"

Ying shook her head at him, "I never met Chen Xiu, and neither did I know her personally. But I knew the real owner of this bracelet. I knew Xin Xiulin. The one for whom this bracelet was hand-carved by her father." She licked her lips and continued, "As for whether Xiulin and Chen Xiu were the same person, that's something we can discuss. But the biggest possibility is that they were the same."

Han Bohai paused momentarily. He didn't know what else to ask. He knew he'd find an answer from Ying about Xiu's birth parents but suddenly, he felt nervous.

He rubbed his sweaty palms over his pants and asked, "Who is Xin Xiulin?"

"Xin Xiaoli and Xin Xiaosi's sister. Wen Ai and Xin Zimen's dearest daughter. The girl who was proclaimed dead when she was just a month before her fifth birthday."

"Proclaimed dead?" whispered Han Bohai more to himself than anyone else. He suddenly felt his head buzzing. He couldn't believe what he was hearing and yet he had no reason not to believe. "Are you sure this bracelet is the same?"

"I told you it's hand-carved," said Ying. "My Aunt Ai designed it while Zizi was the one who hand-carved it for his dear daughter. As I said, he also told her it'd be like her protective shield. It'd accompany her on the path, he won't be able to follow." She exhaled a long breath as she added, "It seems, this bracelet did follow her on the path he couldn't do so."

Han Bohai took a while to calm himself down but he couldn't do so.

"It'd have been such happy news if Chen Xiu was alive but she isn't. And because she isn't, it made this whole situation a lot worse. Even if we want to do something, we can't do so. We can't bring her back because it's too late."

Han Bohai held his forehead and thought about her words. He really didn't know what to make of this situation right now. Although Xiu was alive, the situation was messed up. He had to tell Sister Xiu about it but what was he supposed to say to her? And how?

He was the one who wanted her to find out about her real identity but now that the real identity was right before his eyes, he didn't know what to do at all. If Xiu got to know that her Ah-Xin was actually her real father, what would be her reaction? He could see how much she loved him but will it really break her apart knowing that she had such a loving father in her previous life but the twist of fate had pulled them apart?

Ying placed her hand on his shoulder when she saw his condition, "I know it's difficult for you as well. Chen Xiu meant a lot to you. But you have no idea how much this family suffered because of her absence. They loved her dearly. No, I should say they still love her dearly. No one had ever forgotten her even for a minute."

"You said she was loved, but do you know how much she yearned for that love?" Han Bohai's voice was heavy. He felt so tired and spent at this moment that it was becoming difficult to even breathe. "Isn't it ironic that she died yearning for love?"

Ying felt something heavy weighing down on her heart as well. She knew what he meant. And she also agreed that it was ironic. But was there anything they could do? None of it was in their hands. They all had been tied by fate that played with them however it wanted to.

But this game had hurt too many people. Whether it was Chen Xiu or Xin Zimen, they all had suffered in their own way. Who was supposed to decide who suffered more? And did it even matter now? 

"Hai, Zizi doesn't know about this yet," said Ying. "He had been suffering from Xiulin's loss for far too long and that's why none of us want to see him go through it all over again. So, I hope you don't say anything about this to anyone."

Han Bohai suddenly stood up as he said, "I have to go somewhere." Ying was left staring at his back as he ran off without looking back.