Imperfect Desires

Han Bohai tilted his head up to look into her eyes as he continued, "You said goodbye on that dinner. I happily walked away thinking I'd see you in the morning. The morning did come, but I didn't get to see you. I thought I'd see you, but I didn't!"

His hysterical crying was really tearing Xiu's heart apart. Every single thing that came out of his mouth was like someone was punching her guts and tearing her heart apart slowly. The process was slow and torturous. 

He stood up and held her shoulders, "When I didn't give up on you, how dare you gave up on yourself? How could you do it?! No matter how much people exploited your kind nature, you still continued to show your kindness. You never changed or ran away from your true self. Then how could run away when it was time to fight for yourself?"

"I was tired," she spoke in a soft voice. "I wanted to rest. I really wanted to rest."

Han Bohai just stared into her eyes as he could see the pain in those eyes clearly. How could he not know why she was tired? He knew it but he still didn't want to accept it! 

"You let others destroy you but you couldn't allow me to save you instead?" He closed his eyes briefly. "Even if you're tired, I was always there to lend you my shoulder to rest. I never just called you my sister, I accepted you as one. In the end, you didn't even let this little brother share your burdens." He lightly punched her shoulder and she let him dow it. He repeatedly did it but Xiu could hardly feel it because the sensation in that arm was slowly recovering. "When I received my New Actor Award, I wanted to show it off to you. I spent a night boasting before your grave about how awesome I was and how I was gonna soon surpass you. I was only greeted by cold breeze and silence!"

"Stop it!" said Xiu. She didn't want to hear anymore. No, she couldn't hear it anymore. 

"Why? Why should I stop me? You left me to suffer and I'm not even allowed to repeat it? And do you think I'm just repeating it? It's like I'm reliving all those hopeless moments all over again when I really wanted to see you!" His voice had turned hoarse from crying now. He looked her up and down as he said, "I don't care how this unexplainable miracle came to be. I only care about the fact that you still left me to suffer all alone! If life gave you another chance, how could you hide from me? Why me of all people? What did I do? What crime did I commit to suffer through that punishment? Why did you leave and left deadly silence into my world? And if you're gonna leave such haunting silence, why did you add your never-ending chatter into my silent world?"

Because of his parents' death, Han Bohai had turned into an eccentric person. He'd easily lose temper. And he loved silence as well. But when Chen Xiu became a part of his life, not only did his temper never flared up, he even grew used to hearing her talking nonsense. With him around, she was rarely quiet. She'd always have something to say to him and that's why he became accustomed to hearing her voice. Even when he didn't reply most of the time, it didn't bother her since she would still talk.

But when she was gone, the silence he was once accustomed to came back but this time, it was haunting him. He didn't feel comfortable with it. 

Xiu held his hand and said, "When I chose to leave, I was really reluctant to part with you. Till the very end, you're the thread that had been holding me back. I desperately wanted to hold onto that thread but someone had to cut it and I found myself falling into a bottomless abyss. I couldn't pull you with me, so I pushed you away. Even with this miracle, I wanted to let Chen Xiu rest in peace. I didn't want to bring her back to life. Not even once did I think about bringing her back." She snickered, "Even if I wanted to, I couldn't do it. When I found myself in this bizarre situation, it took me a long while to even accept it. Not only that, it was a struggle to live in the body of someone you knew nothing about. I was lost with no identity, no home, and no one to hold onto. Do you know why I care about Nora so much? She gave me the identity, a home, and warmth of a family."

She placed her hand on his face to wipe his tears as she went on, "People who choose to let go, have no right to look back. I wanted you to let me go. I just didn't realize you'd be stubborn enough to hold on even till now when there was no hope at all." His eyes were swelling up from crying and it tugged at her heart painfully, "Xiao Bobo, the first person I wanted to tell about this miracle was you. But I couldn't bring myself to chain you with myself again. It's only after you came before me that I realized that I was never able to set you free. Instead, I caged you in the past. That made me feel guiltier. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything even more. When I found you so close to me, I didn't want to let you go. I again became selfish. Why else do you think I insisted on making it work between you and Ying Jie? I was just finding excuses for my selfishness to keep you close to me."

Han Bohai placed his hand on her head as he said, "And I wanted you to be this selfish when you're Chen Xiu. I wanted you to be selfish and take what you wanted. But you never did."