Imperfect Desires

Xiu's body stiffened and her earlier relaxed and composed demeanor collapsed miserably. In fact, she wasn't relaxed since the moment she had to face Han Bohai alone. In this situation!

But now that she heard his words and that tone of his voice along with the tears that fell down his face, she really felt like cursing herself. Xiu had once thought she'd one day feel guilty for her previous self. However, no matter what she learned, she never felt guilty towards herself. For giving up on herself and her life. Then why was it that she couldn't stop herself from feeling guilty towards this person?

He was the only one who stood beside her from the beginning to the end.

"Do you know how much hated you for leaving like that? When I said, I'll stand with you, why did you not believe in me? I told you I'll prove your innocence. Why didn't you trust me? Were my words that insignificant to you? Or was I that insignificant in your life?"

Xiu lowered her eyes and clasped her hands in her lap. She didn't dare look into his eyes again. The eyes that made her feel really guilty!

"And even after coming back through this bizarre miracle, you chose to hide from me. Why? Why don't I deserve to know that you're alive?"

"I'm sorry!" 

Han Bohai heard her soft voice and went quiet. Xiu finally lifted her eyes to look at him.

"If I owe someone an apology in my life, that person is you. Chen Xiu only owed you an apology! No one else!" Han Bohai bit his bottom lip as he didn't even blink. "So, today, this Chen Xiu is apologizing to you. I'm sorry for leaving. And I'm sorry for not sharing my struggle with you."

Han Bohai exhaled a breath that he had been holding. It was the first time, he heard her addressing herself as Chen Xiu. He didn't know what he felt inside at that moment. Was he elated? Was he hurting? Did he feel like crying? He really didn't know. All kinds of emotions were tangled up in his heart and he not words to describe any of those emotions.

"Don't even for a second assume that I didn't believe in you. I knew you'd stay with me no matter what. I knew it very well. But I had to let go of your hand," Xiu's voice choked up but she didn't stop. "I wanted to set myself free and I wanted to set you free as well." Han Bohai's placed his hand over his chest as if he was in pain as she went on, "I never wanted to bind you with myself for life. I always told you, Xiao Bobo, you're meant for great things. You're meant to shine brighter than I ever did. Staying as my assistant would never get you there. But you weren't ready to leave. Even when all kinds of rumors began about me and I had no work, you still insisted on staying as my assistant. I had to push you to take a flight."

Han Bohai laughed mockingly through his tears at her, "And to make me take the flight, you pushed yourself to a grave. How can you be this cruel to me? Do you even know what I went through? I had told you, I lost my parents. My cousin was too young. I usually stayed away from home and that's why you're closer to me than even my own family! Do you realize how I felt when I got to know that I couldn't save my sister?" He rubbed his face harshly before continuing, "When I lost my parents, I found you. Your presence made it easier for me to feel less lonely. But what about the emptiness that your death brought in my life and my heart? How was I supposed to fill it?"

Xiu stood up and walked over to his side, she hugged his head but didn't say anything.

Han Bohai wrapped his arms around her and cried even harder, "I can forgive you for anything but I can never forgive you for leaving me! I can't do it! Because I can't forget the pain you brought to me. I can't forget that you didn't trust me. I can't forget that I missed you every single day since you left."

Xiu was shedding silent tears as she continued to rub his hair in a soothing manner but it only made him cry ugly tears. He couldn't stop it. It was as if all the pent-up pain that he had accumulated in those years was finally flowing out of his system in the form of tears. He really had no control over his own tears right now.

"I don't want you to forgive me," she said. "It's not why I apologized. I said sorry because I owed it to you. As for you not wanting to forgive me, that's your right. I'd never question it. You can continue to hate me for as long as you want."

"If I could really hate you," said Han Bohai in between his sobbing. "I think my life would have been easier. It would have been simple if I really could hate you as much as I missed you." He sniffled as he went on, "When you're gone, I kept adding extra salt in my food but there was no one to nag me for it. I continued to work hard but there was no one to say I did well. There was no one to show kindness to random people and give me a big lecture over. I purposely ate junk food in the hope that you'd show up and tell me how unhealthy that is then you'll cook me a warm meal."

Xiu couldn't stop her own tears. She knew she'd lose control before him and she did. She couldn't take the intensity of his emotions. She could feel his pain. She could feel the way he was tightening his hold on her with each word as if he was scared that she would disappear in the next minute.