Imperfect Desires

Xiu's session with Gigi has ended over half an hour ago but she didn't want to go back and lie down on her bed especially when Darren was sleeping. So, she chose to maneuver her wheelchair towards the balcony to get some fresh air. Wrapped up in a knit blanket, she let the cold air numb her brain so that everything that ran through her mind would stop for a while.

Earlier Gigi had asked her a question, "If you could choose to fix one thing in your past, what would it be?"

Xiu hadn't answered her at that time. It wasn't because she was unwilling to answer. She had been very cooperative during their session, why wouldn't she continue to do it? It was just that she genuinely had no answer to that question.

Surprisingly, she had been asking the same question to herself lately...

If she could really choose one moment to return back to, what would it be?

Did she want to return back to the time she decided to give back on her life? 

The answer was no! She didn't think she wanted to go back to that time of despair and loneliness all over again.

Then she asked herself again. What if she returned back to the time she saved Liu Nuan's life? Would she still want to save her life? 

The answer was very obvious. Just as she had told Bohai last night, she'd indeed choose to save Liu Nuan's life. Because she'd never want someone to die as long as she could save them, she'd do it. Without thinking about the consequences at all!

There was one moment she did feel like she wanted to change though. What if she chose to reveal her infatuation to Darren back when they were just phone buddies? What would have been different? She didn't know about the rest but she was certain that she'd be able to love him for longer and she'd able to save him from the suffering that her death brought to him.

However, the reality was she couldn't return back to anywhere. No matter how bad she wanted to change something in her past, she couldn't deny that she was more afraid of losing what she had now. The warmth of a family that she always desired. The only thing she desperately wished for.

So even if she was given another chance, she'd still like to choose the present that was familiar to her. She shook her head and tried her hardest to focus solely on filtering out her thoughts.

To her surprise, she soon heard a familiar voice from around. Hearing the voice of Xin Zimen, she decided to just stay there. However, who knew she would be able to hear some shocking revelations. And even after the people from the other side were already gone, she was left staring blankly into space.

For a long moment, her brain didn't register anything. Nothing made sense to her. It was almost like once again someone was trying to shake up everything she believed in. And this time, the impact was stronger!

She continued to blink as some words echoed in her mind...

~Chen Xiu was neither Chen Hana nor Xin Suyin's daughter.

~Chen Hana had lied to Xin Suyin to bade for time to save Chen Xiu.

That's it!

Those two things were the only things running through her mind at that moment. And it continued to run amok in her mind. These words jumbled up and wreaked havoc in her mind. For a moment, those words made sense, and then they didn't.

Xiu stared at her empty hands intently for a while before lifting her warm hands to touch her cold face. 

"To save Chen Xiu..." she muttered to herself. "To save Chen Xiu. To save Chen Xiu." She continued to repeat those words in a small voice for a while as she recalled something...

*Flashback*

"As my mother, shouldn't you be standing on my side?!" Chen Xiu questioned the woman standing before her with her back towards her. "How can you ask me to give up my happiness for someone else?"

The woman turned her head and looked at Chen Xiu. She stepped closer to her and held her shoulders saying, "I'm always standing on your side. That is why I am asking you to give up this pursuit that would only lead you to destruction."

"Destruction?" snorted Chen Xiu. "Mother, I love him!"

"And that love is gonna become your destruction," said Chen Hana with a stern look. "Why are you not understanding it already? That guy is already engaged."

"He is not," argued Chen Xiu. "There had been no official engagement!"

Chen Hana glared at her saying, "The one he belongs is the daughter of a twisted woman! A madwoman can only raise a mad daughter! Don't court your own death! What are you lacking in life that you want to run after him so desperately?"

"I'm running after the love that you didn't give me. I'm running after the care and attention that I wanted from you. I'm running after a normal family that you could never provide!"

Hearing Chen Xiu's words, Chen Hana was quiet for a long time. Soon her shoulders slackened as if all her strength left her body. She looked defeated as she said, "Although I was never able to become the family you wanted, I've been trying my best." Her hands held Chen Xiu's as she said, "I'm begging you. Please, give up on him! I don't want you to go through..." She left her words unsaid as she had no way to explain anything to her.

"You've never shown so concern about me before," stated Chen Xiu. "Then why now?"

Chen Hana placed her hand against her cheek as she said, "Because I've raised you. And I don't want to see you ruining yourself over love."

Chen Xiu scoffed as she threw her hand off herself, "You're still thinking about how you can exploit my value. You just don't want me to lose the status of a superstar. How can you be so selfish?"

"No, you're not understanding..." Chen Hana tried to explain herself but Chen Xiu had already walked out of there.

*End of Flashback*

Now that she thought about it, Xiu felt like she could understand the strong resistance of Chen Hana towards her relationship with Zhou Jinhai. From the beginning, she kept warning her to stay away from him but she stubbornly didn't listen. 

She always wondered why her mother didn't want her to love or be happy. But now she realized that it was actually the opposite, Chen Hana had to resort to even harsh means just to try and stop her from having any kind of relationship with Zhou Jinhai. Because Chen Hana knew what would be the consequences of it all.

But till the very end, she kept thinking that she didn't care about her.

However, one of the reasons why she had become so stubborn regarding her relationship with Zhou Jinhai was Chen Hana herself. For the first time, Chen Xiu received her mother's attention and it was all because of how she was in a relationship with Zhou Jinhai. And to keep that attention, she decided to not listen to Chen Hana's warnings until it was already too late for her to even realize that Chen Hana had been right all along.

Xiu chuckled to herself as she thought that Chen Hana was right, 'A madwoman could only raise a mad daughter!' Now that it was clear that Liu Nuan wasn't even Suyin's daughter, Xiu believed those words even more. Even if they didn't share the same blood, just because Suyin raised Liu Nuan, the latter had inherited every single bad thing from her.

Xiu felt like someone played a joke on her all over again. 

The woman that really broke her, in the end, was actually never her mother. Xin Suyin was never Chen Xiu's mother. She felt like that was one of the most beautiful things she had heard in her two lifetimes! That feeling of disgust that Chen Xiu felt when she learned that she was Xin Suyin's daughter seemed to have washed away now.

Someone was not liberating her, she felt like someone was cleansing her soul. She wasn't the daughter of a wicked person who didn't even deserve to be called a human any longer! 

No one knew how much guilt she felt from the time she learned that Destiny had also suffered under the schemes of Xin Suyin. She felt guilty that the girl who admired her had to suffer at the hands of her own birth mother. This guilt made her feel foreign in this skin.

But not anymore! She was truly cleansed now. From all the guilt as well. 

Although the facts still remained that Xin Suyin had a hand in destroying both Chen Xiu and Destiny, the truth that Xin Suyin wasn't related to Chen Xiu was enough to make Xiu feel free.