Imperfect Desires

Darren's whole body was trembling terribly. No matter how much he yearned to know what happened back then, he couldn't hear it. The more he imagined the state she was in and how lonely she must have been, he felt like something broke inside him. 

Xiu could perceive the change in his emotions. She had come to know her Baobei way too well by now. She leaned her head on his shoulder as she stated, "That was really not one of my proudest moments. In fact, it still isn't. But you see, I had long lost control over my own self. At that moment, I was truly helpless. That was the only escape route my brain created for me and I blindly accepted it as the last escape."

Darren stayed quiet in reply. He was so emotionally devasted that he couldn't even bring himself to say anything to her. 

After saying it all for the first time ever, Xiu felt liberated? It was like she found a way to breathe again. And it calmed her down as well. That initial fear she felt towards Xin Suyin seemed to have vanished since the person sitting with her was her husband, Regan Darren Salvay. It was strange but she truly believed in him to the point that she was certain she'd be safe with him around.

And that thought didn't even surprise her at all. Because it was true.

"You know, I never thought I'd regret that moment," started Xiu and Darren turned his face to look at her face. "I regret taking that last step very much."

"How come?" he questioned.

Xiu smiled bitterly, "If I had waited for just a little longer, you'd have been there." Darren was stunned by her reply. "I have imagined it a million times. How would it be like if you came to knock on my door that night and I opened it for you?" She shook her head in disappointment, "I don't know the rest but I'm certain Chen Xiu wouldn't have died all alone."

"Didn't you come to hate the very existence of yourself?" he wondered.

Xiu nodded without hesitation, "I did. I hate it all. But somehow you make everything alright. This whole rebirth phenomenon didn't make sense to me either and I never accepted it until you came around. Only then did I realize that the fate I used to curse at had planned to bring you to me. And for some bizarre reason, that made me feel special and precious." She snorted, "I'm crazy, random, can get super rude at times as well, and can get cold as well. But the thing is none of it had been in my control since my rebirth. My emotions had been a mess since I woke up in this body of a stranger with no memories to guide me. I guess everything my brain experienced as Chen Xiu, left a after shadow. Or more like a trauma. That's why I'm weird. I wish I could control it though."

Darren cupped her face as he said, "You're special and you're precious. I have said that plenty of times but every time, I meant it."

Xiu smiled back at him as she placed her hands over his saying, "I know, dear husband. How do you think I'm able to breathe and smile today? It's all because of you."

"Sweets, I promise you. I'll not let Xin Suyin go easily for everything she did to you. And this time, I won't let Niu Peizhi off as well!"

Xiu leaned her face over and kissed his forehead. "Aiyo, dear husband, do you really think I told you all of that for revenge?"

"Sweets, you might be kindhearted but I am not! They snatched you from me. I won't let that go."

Seeing the fury in his eyes, Xiu was silent for a moment. "Who said I'm kindhearted?" Darren frowned at her. "Yes, Chen Xiu was indeed kindhearted. She was also foolish who thought just her death would solve everything. But don't forget now, I'm Bai Xiu." She lowered her voice before adding, "And let me tell you, Destiny Novell's hands weren't as clean as her image."

"You had been silent for years. Even after getting a second chance at life, you chose to forgive everyone!" reminded Darren with rage bursting through his eyes.

Xiu hugged his waist as she placed her chin on his shoulder, "That's only because I didn't even know why I got reincarnated. Besides, I'm a strong believer in karma. I truly believed that everyone will get their just treatment in due time."

"If you won't do anything, how will that happen?" he asked.

"That's also true," nodded Xiu gently. "I always wondered why would I get a new lease at life in this way. Was it really for revenge though?"

"No! This is the chance for you to face everything you ran from! This is the chance to show those people that even in death, you can still make them miserable! This is your only chance to prove that you did nothing wrong!"

Xiu chuckled softly, "Sorry! It's just that you look angrier than me."

"It's not really funny."

"I know that," she said before pouting. "But I told you so many times, something is wrong with my brain. I'll be crying in one minute and the next, I'd be over the moon. That's the aftereffects of depression. I lost some screws of my brain."

Darren shook his head at her saying, "No my darling wife, that's all on you. You have always been like this."

"Was I?" Xiu stared at him foolishly.

"Yes, you were always like this." While she was incredulously staring nowhere, he asked, "Shall we go home?"

"Why? What for? The wedding didn't end though," said Xiu hurriedly.

"Sweets, I don't want you to hurt yourself in any way."

Xiu stood up and offered her hand to him, he took his without hesitation, "You keep holding onto this hand. The rest... I'll handle on my own. But you don't let this hand go."

Darren intertwine their fingers and brought their joined hands up to drop a kiss on the back of her hand as he said, "Never! I can't even imagine living without holding this hand."

Xiu smiled brightly at him as she said, "Then the rest I can really go through." Of course, she was bluffing most of it. Except for the fact that she needed him by his side. But she also didn't want to run away. She had done that as Chen Xiu. If she ran away again, she might never be able to face her own self ever again.

"Let's go inside," said Xiu and pulled Darren along.

What both of them didn't notice was that a lone figure had been standing around a pillar and heard everything they talked about. From the moment Xiu started talking, that person had heard every word of hers and now had a darkened expression along with disbelief and incredulity.