Imperfect Desires

Xiu arrived at the office about thirty minutes late but Dylan was even late than her. She thought it was a good thing that Dylan was late otherwise he'd ask a million questions and she wasn't in the mood to answer anything. She really had a rough morning. 

Why did she have so many things to do?

It seemed like her life was filled with troubles of all kinds now. 

But as much as she found these troubles bothersome, she still enjoyed being part of these troubles.

Weird, right? 

Like who would actually call troubles as enjoyment?

But since her morning had already started on a troublesome note, she decided to face another bitter truth.

Her hand dug inside the purse and pulled out the envelope which had the second letter written to her by Destiny. Instead of hesitating as she did with the first one, she just opened it and read...

'Dear Goddess Xiu,

Today is the second time I had the urge to write a letter to you even though I still hadn't sent the first one. I think I won't post this one either. Then why am I writing again? I just feel like talking to someone and I don't know why I want that someone to be you.

Writing the first letter, I didn't know where or how to begin. It seems easy this time though.

How are you? Because I'm not feeling fine at all.

Today I lost my mother...'

Xiu's hand trembled as she read that sentence. She lifted her hand to touch her neck. She was sweating. It was autumn right now and yet, she was sweating so much. Her body felt the cold shivers. Why did this sentence affect her so much?

She placed the letter on her desk and drank water before continuing to read further...

'I'm not telling you this to make you pity me. I don't want pity. Everyone in the hospital already gave me enough pitiful eyes. It's getting on my nerves now. 

I might be sixteen but I'm stronger than most people think I am. And recently, I've come across a very interesting mentor, who taught me that, "The damage life can bring to one's soul is far less than death can do."

I'm not heartless as people are calling me just because I didn't cry at my own mother's funeral. But my question is, can my tears bring her back? Can my tears fill in the hole her death left in my heart? How can tears really help me in this situation? 

She had been in a coma for two years and to be honest, I knew from the very beginning that she was never gonna wake up. But like an idiot, I kept hoping that she might wake up one day. I've cried all alone by her side for way too many times but she never woke up. I think I had shed enough tears in those lonely nights I spent by her side. 

However, there was a moment when I felt like crying today and that was when my best friend's mother hugged me. She was so warm and snuggly that I couldn't help it. I felt so calm in her arms and it surprised me. 

I thought I'd feel lonely once she left me. It didn't happen though. Because when Clara, my best friend's mom hugged me, I knew I wasn't alone. When I looked at my best friend smiling through her tears at me reassuringly, I knew I won't be lonely. And when Uncle Jing placed his hand on my head with affection, I just knew that I was not helpless or pitiful. 

Isn't it strange when strangers make you feel something even your closest family couldn't do so? I have been thinking about it often lately. Especially so when I feel very close to you when I write to you. It's difficult to describe but I feel like my words are getting you.

Even though that's just me being weird, I'd like to keep feeling like this. 

I think that's all I have to say for today. If I wrote anything else, I might end up really crying and I don't want to. I promise I'll be strong like you. I'll keep wearing my smile no matter how much my heart is hurting. 

Destiny Novell.'

Xiu closed her eyes trying to hold back her tears. It was getting difficult. She couldn't tell why but whether it was the last time she read the first letter or now with this second letter, whenever she read it, she could feel Destiny's emotions surging inside her own heart. As if she could feel all the sincerity or pain she went through while penning down these words.

And what did she say? Strong like her?

Xiu wanted to laugh at the irony.

Chen Xiu was capricious. If she had to call someone strong that'd be Destiny who managed to face the world all alone. Xiu would never call herself strong. If she was strong, she wouldn't have chosen to run from life rather than facing it. 

Xiu couldn't tell whether these letters were a blessing or a curse to her. But they were certainly breaking her down. She had decided to read one letter at a time to let herself digest every single emotion. But who knew it'd still be so difficult?

Who knew while reading those words, her mind, and her heart would hurt so much? How was she gonna face these overwhelmingly unfamiliar scenes flashing through her mind? Those scenes flashing in her mind might be unfamiliar but she could clearly tell what she saw.

A teenage girl clad in black clothes sitting under a willow tree in the cemetery. The teenage girl was none other than Destiny. The cemetery was also familiar to Xiu, her second chance at life began at that very place. 

"Ms. Bai, come to my o -"

Dylan stopped mid-sentence when he looked at Xiu's face. He had just come to the office after taking his sweet time to calm down and think through some stuff. But what awaited him was this?

Were those tears falling down her eyes?