Imperfect Desires

Even after speaking to Dylan and sharing his worries, Darren wasn't feeling any better. Hiding anything from Xiu wasn't as simple for him as it seemed. He did want a transparent relationship but what was he supposed to do when knowing this truth was gonna... hurt her? Make her angry? Or maybe she'll hate him as well?

Darren didn't know whether it was the cold early winter breeze or his own thoughts but he shuddered. Argh! He was really exasperated with his own thoughts.

It was after an hour or so when he stepped back inside. He looked at Xiu whose even and gentle breathing made him believe she was asleep. He got under the comforter right beside her, rolled over, kissed her forehead with his cold lips, and whispered, "I love you. I love you so much. I'm never going to leave you. Never ever! I promise."

His cold hand around her waist tightened when she snuggled up to him and hid her face in his chest. Because of standing in the cold breeze for so long, his whole body was cold but she was warm. Really warm.

But what he didn't know was that Xiu had not been sleeping. She had been waiting for him and only had her eyes closed. But when he came back, even though she wanted to open her eyes she couldn't do so when he kissed her forehead as if she was the most precious thing in his life. 

As for the reason why she kept pretending to sleep and hid her face in his chest was because she was trying to hide the tear that betrayed her and fell down. It was such a precious moment for her. Hearing him say 'I love you' wasn't new but it meant so much more when he said it while assuming she was asleep. And how was she gonna hold her emotions when he said he wasn't gonna let her go?

Who wouldn't feel overwhelmed and blessed with a person like him?

She certainly wasn't strong enough to handle these emotions!

...

Darren was not the only person who was anxious on this beautiful night. His call had left Dylan equally restless now. Even after coming back home, he could only toss and turn in his bed. He didn't feel like eating anything at all. 

He put his arm over his eyes as a distant memory replayed in his mind...

*Flashback*

"Hedi," the girl's hoarse voice called his name pleadingly. "Please, hear me out!"

"What should I hear about though?" he questioned calmly as his reddened eyes stared at her swollen eyes. "What can you really explain to me at this point?"

The girl held his hand tightly as she looked up at his face, "I didn't know anything. It really wasn't my intention."

"Is that supposed to be your excuse?" he retorted. "Because it isn't very convincing. You're young but not that naive. You knew exactly what was going around you."

"I did. But I didn't know I was being used in this cruel way. Please, forgive me."

Dylan shook her hand off as he finally snapped at her, "Can your excuse or apology bring her life back? Can Chen Xiu come back to life? No, Liqiu! She's gone forever! A life is lost because of you!"

"It's not because of me," she shouted as she fell down on her knees sobbing. "I really didn't know she'd commit suicide. How was I even supposed to know that?"

"That angel treated you like her little sister. You told me yourself how nice Chen Xiu is and how much she loves you. Then how did you betray her so easily? How did your heart allow you to drive her crazy?!"

She shook her head back and forth frantically, "I loved Sister Xiu. I really did. But I didn't betray her. I'm telling you I was used. I didn't even realize I was used as a pawn in someone's gameplay. Please, don't hate me. I love you so much! You know how much I love you. Please, don't turn your back on me!"

"Even if it was someone else other than Chen Xiu, I'd still hate you this much. I can't believe you turned your back on someone's life and you expect me to not turn my back on you? Is human life that cheap for you people now? What did that girl even do to you all? All she ever did was being too kind to even monsters like you!"

He didn't even realize when his tears had started falling. He turned around and strode away from the girl who was shouting his name. Calling for him. Apologizing again and again. But how was he supposed to forgive her?

*End of Flashback*

Dylan abruptly sat up in his bed and rubbed his hand on his face. He blamed his condition on Darren who reminded him about that incident and his ex-girlfriend all over again. He had always been smug before Xiu but now that he thought about it; the thought that she Chen Xiu drove him crazy.

How was he supposed to look her in the eyes again?

How was he supposed to tell her that he was once associated with a person who had been involved in her death?

He suddenly felt so much guilt that it suffocated him. 

Not being able to calm down or sleep, he left the room and came downstairs. While he was gonna enter the kitchen he bumped into his father.

"Hedi, you haven't gone to sleep?" Qiu Jiayi asked in a concerned voice.

"I couldn't sleep, dad," he answered softly.

"Drink some milk or eat a banana, it will help with sleep." Dylan nodded his head trying to smile at his father. "But if something's bothering you, you can always share it with me. I'm always here to listen."

"I know, dad," he began. "But I really don't know what or how to share anything with you."

"Hmm... Is it that difficult?" Dylan nodded his head. "Then you don't have to say anything. Just don't be too hard on yourself." Qiu Jiayi patted his son's shoulder in support. "No matter what, your dad is here for you."

Dylan couldn't help hugging his father who was taken aback a bit since Dylan was a clingy person but only with his mother. He would rarely hug his father. But if he was doing it, it meant he was really having a difficult time. "Hedi."

"Hm."

"It's okay to cry if you feel like it but make sure the people or worries you're shedding those tears for are actually worth it." He pulled away from his son and smiled gently at him. "Because I believe my son's tears shouldn't be wasted on just anyone."

"You don't even know what's going on with me," grumbled Dylan.

"I don't have to. Your face is very easy to read. Besides I'm your dad, I know you well."

Dylan could only shake his head at his father who left him after giving a few more words of encouragement. It was actually a good thing that he ran into his father. At least, it saved him from dwelling in his own guilt all over again after all those years.