Imperfect Desires

"Strange. Strange. Super-duper strange." Xin Zimen had been mumbling to himself as he left the room which Xiu was in and turned the corner to go back into his study. 

"What's strange?" he heard the question as soon as he entered the study where Xin Kuan had been waiting for him. 

Xin Zimen went around his desk as he spoke with a sad grimace, "It's strange that I feel such a weird familiarity with that little lass. I can't even describe it..." He was feeling exasperated as he shook his head.

"Sometimes familiarity doesn't have a name," said Xin Kuan. He was about to continue when the door of the study was pushed open with a strong force and a figure washed in anger and burning in fiery fire strode inside.

Ying's every step sounded like she was a grim reaper who brought a letter of death. Especially when she slammed the envelope in her hand on Xin Zimen's desk right in front of him while her eyes never stopped glaring at him dangerously.

Xin Zimen calmly looked at her then looked at the envelope before he stretched his hand to take it but Ying's hand was still on the envelope. She was still in the same position as before. Not letting him see what was inside that envelope.

"I have questions for you," she spoke trying to keep her voice level. "What was your relationship with Carina Novell? Did you really have an affair with her? If yes, then how could you? She was your wife's friend! Are you really a cheater? But if not, then did you and aunt Ai chose her as a surrogate mother?" The more she spoke the more her voice was rising higher. "Or did she steal your girl? But my aunt Fei said that you hate Carina Novell and that doesn't make sense to me at all. Wait, did she really kidnap your daughter?"

Xin Zimen stood up from his leather chair and came around to stand beside her as he placed his hands on her shoulders and pushed her down on the chair. Then he picked a glass of water and offered it to her, "Breathe. You really need to breathe first."

Ying drank the whole glass of water and looked up at him. "I need some answers here."

Xin Zimen chuckled softly, "Your imagination is running wild. I must say, it's running wilder."

Ying frowned at him. "What do you mean?"

"Say something before she goes crazy making all these nonsense scenarios in her head," Xin Kuan's voice made Xin Zimen nod his head.

Xin Zimen sat at the chair in front of her and looked at her with his mouth set in a hard line. The way he prolonged his silence made Ying's heart to beat wildly in anxiousness. She really didn't know what she wanted to hear from him at this point but she needed to hear something. And only he could answer her.

"Say something," she urged while shaking his hand.

"I'm trying to decide where to begin. You asked so many questions that I couldn't keep track of it all," he could see the impatience in her eyes vividly. "Let's start with... Carina Novell and I had no relationship." Ying's body suddenly relaxed. As if someone blew a wind of relief into her soul. "In fact, I never even met her in person."

"Huh?" Ying's frown came back as she stared at him in confusion. 

"She was Wen Ai's friend but that doesn't mean I met her or knew her."

"Then was she really a surrogate? Or a kidnapper?"

Xin Zimen hit her head and rolled his head, "Silly girl! Why did you not think that the DNA sample Brother Kuan gave you wasn't mine, to begin with?" She gaped at him in disbelief while he added, "You assumed all kinds of ridiculous things except for this one."

"It's... It's really not yours?" she stuttered.

He simply shook his head, "I already had three kids and a very beautiful wife. Why on earth would we look for a surrogate mother? Or why would I have an affair when I had way too many important things to sort out?"

Ying thought about it carefully. "But I thought kidnapping was possible..."

"How old is her daughter?" he questioned cutting her off.

"23," she answered.

"Don't you think there is an age difference between her and my daughter?" He took a brief pause before lamenting, "Besides, don't forget my daughter is... dead. I can't bring her back even if I want to." His expressions hardened thinking of this deep-buried memory. He could talk about his dead wife often but he never brought up even the name of his daughter whom he lost when she was too young. 

That reminder was the most painful one in his life and if he could, he wouldn't want to think about it ever again. 

Seeing how the atmosphere became intense, he sighed out, "Let me clear this up with you again, I had no relationship with Carina Novell. And from the very beginning, I never said there was a relationship. I only told you that it's important to find her. I never said she's important to me."

"But Uncle Kuan said that you'd be devastatingly heartbroken if you knew that Carina Novell is also no more now," said Ying with a sense of guilt building up in her heart.

Xin Zimen tilted his head to look at Xin Kuan who was busy reading a newspaper carelessly. "Brother Kuan, why did you mislead her?"

"Xiao Zi, her mind was on the wrong track from the beginning. You can't blame me since I merely spoke the truth." Xin Kaun looked at him challengingly. "Don't say you're not disappointed to know that she died before you could reach to her."

Xin Zimen's hands clenched tightly while his eyes also closed. 

Ying recalled something when she noticed his reaction. "Zizi, aunt Feifei said that you hated Carina Novell. She wasn't lying, right?"

"Feifei? That blabbermouth really has a loose mouth," he spoke with disdain.

Then he stood up, opened the drawer of his desk, and pulled out a photo. Staring at that smiling face of the little girl in the photo, his eyes moistened up. "How can I not hate Carina? She was the reason my daughter lost her life. Do I not even have the right to hate her? She's the reason I lost my wife as well because if our babygirl hadn't died, Wen Ai wouldn't have gotten sick. I lost the two most important parts of myself."

Ying's eyes widened. She finally understood why her aunt reacted so weirdly to Carina's name and her stupid assumptions. The helplessness, longing, and vulnerability she had seen in Xin Zimen's eyes while he had talked about Carina Novell to her back then was because of this reason. He was really helpless because he couldn't bring neither his daughter back nor his wife.

"Wait! Wait a minute!" Ying voiced out. "Then why was I asked to find Carina Novell? Why were you looking for her?"

"I never said, I'm the one looking for her," retorted Xin Zimen in a level tone.