Imperfect Desires

In the guest room, Nora was busy with her daughter. Xiu was trying to sleep but couldn't do so. She looked in Nora's direction and wondered, 'Isn't she tired just staring at the little girl? What exactly is she looking at?' 

Of course, she couldn't understand Nora's feelings at all. Neither did she receive a mother's love nor did she know anything about a mother's feelings. 

"I'm gonna get some water." Xiu got up and left the room. She was licking her dry lips repeatedly because of how dehydrated her body was feeling after vomiting so many times during the day. It was a good thing that she didn't feel like vomiting now. But she wasn't feeling much better.

Nora saw her leaving and suddenly her eyes fell on the water bottle that was placed on the side table. "Water is right here. Why did she go out then?"

Yes, Xiu had indeed used an excuse to get out of the room. It was partially an excuse. She indeed wanted to drink water but she also wanted to just get some fresh air since she couldn't sleep anyway. 

She had just reached the kitchen when she heard the maids talking inside. She wasn't gonna eavesdrop but what she heard made her so shocked that she forgot to move. She just stood there staring into space. 

"Oh, miss? Do you need anything?" one of the maids asked as she noticed Xiu's presence. 

Xiu shook her head in a daze. Forgetting that she had come to drink water, she turned around and went towards Ah-Si's room. She had earlier seen where Xin Xiaoli took Ah-Si, she just followed the path and didn't even have to guess which was his room because his name was written on the door.

She knocked on the door and waited. Hearing his faint voice, she pushed open the door to see him sitting beside his window. The waned moonlight was falling softly on his bruised face. She didn't know how but his face wasn't swollen like she had expected it to be. But it was bruised badly now. 

He was sitting on the carpet looking at the night sky with a blank look in his eyes. He didn't even notice Xiu's presence until she came to sit beside him. 

"Hope you're not here to punch again," he tried to joke with a smile but smiling made him wince because of the strain on his face muscles that she bruised earlier. Xiu pursed her lips and looked down. "How's your hand?"

Xiu looked up at him now with an indescribable emotion. Was he for real? She was the one who hurt him and he was asking if she was okay or not?

"I'm sorry," Xiu spoke after a moment of reflection making his raise his brows at her. "I didn't know."

"Didn't know?" he didn't understand what she was referring to. 

"I didn't know you've algophobia(fear of pain)." Xiu was startled when she overheard the conversation between the housemaids earlier. She might not know how intense his phobia was but she was certain that he must have felt the pain worse than any normal person. "Your father or your brother didn't even mention it. They both just stood there so I really..."

Ah-Si chuckled at her reaction and shook his head at her. "You've got it a bit mixed up there." Xiu looked confused. "I don't really have the fear of pain. It's the fear of emotional pain. And that too needs a trigger. For instance, guilt." Her brows furrowed up at his answer. "The night my mom died, only I was with her. I was seven back then. She had a heart attack and I couldn't call for help." Xiu's heart stopped beating for a moment. "Although my dad said that it wasn't my fault since mom was already sick, I was too young to believe that. I really thought I killed her."

Exactly this was the reason why his emotions overwhelmed him earlier when Xiu said all that. He was resisting until she was just trying to beat him but he stopped all his resistance the moment she started talking. His emotional rush made his chest hurt badly at that time. That's why he felt like the physical pain made him numb but it was the aching feeling his heart that made him cry without his own control.

His eyes were still trained on the night sky as he continued, "That's the reason I avoided confrontations all my life. You're right I should have waited longer for Nora to come around but I couldn't. I was scared that even if she did come around, she'll blame me for what happened between us that night. I honestly wouldn't have been able to bear it. So, I ran from it just like she did."

Xiu stayed quiet. She honestly was a bit lost after she heard everything. 

"I won't justify what I did. After all, wrong or right, it has all passed already. I can't bring that time back. No-one can." He turned to face her as he went on, "But I'd like to apologize. I shouldn't have been hasty in blaming Nora for what she did. You're right, even if she really chose to abort our child, I had no right to blame her. It's not like she had an option."

"Si bro, you love her, right? You're still in love with her." Actually, Xiu didn't have a doubt about this. She was certain that he loved Nora just as much Nora did 'till this day. Or perhaps, he loved her even more than she did since even when she tried to move on, he was standing right where she left him.

"How about you leave that between me and her?" he replied. 

Xiu thought about it before nodding her head in agreement. She should really let it stay between those two. What they were gonna do with their future was up to them. She just hoped they'd consider their little daughter's future.

"You still didn't tell me, how's your hand?"

Xiu looked at the bandage on her hand and smiled softly, "Your dad cleaned up the wound. It's not that bad. I'll survive I think."

Ah-Si's brows raised slightly before he rolled his eyes, "Aiyo, I think my dad really likes you."

"Huh?"

"My dad doesn't seem like it but he's quite overprotective when it comes to me and my brother. You're probably the only person who just got away even after beating one of his sons right before his eyes."

Xiu was even more surprised to hear that. He was right about one thing, Xin Zimen really didn't look like that. Because she certainly thought he was having fun seeing his son's predicament.

"I know what you're thinking. And I think he knew from the beginning that I deserved that beating that's why he kept his distance." With a soft look in his eyes, he continued, "He had always been like that. His way of doing things is completely insane. No-one can understand him. But I think my mom was the only one who understood him."

Xiu could only nod at that. Even she thought it was hard to understand Xin Zimen. She really wondered how his wife managed to stay with him. Because if his wife really understood him, she was something.

"So, just to be clear. You're not angry with me for..." Xiu didn't even continue when he shook his head instantly.

"I'm not. But I hope you keep that bat of yours away from me. I'm scared of it now," he said jokingly making Xiu giggle softly.

Xiu really valued the people who had been nice to her in this lifetime and Ah-Si happened to be one of those people. She really didn't want today's incident to come between us. She was angry and wasn't thinking straight to begin with. 

And just as she had said, in this matter, she couldn't take sides. Because Nora was wrong in her place and Ah-Si was wrong in his place. But she wasn't the one who could judge them. She could only remind them where they were wrong, as for fixing it all. They were on their own.