Imperfect Desires

Ying felt Xiu's helplessness. She could clearly see it in her eyes and it really made her feel bad for her. Having a blank memory seemed like Xiu wasn't in control of her own life. As if one day those memories would come back and all the memories she had made will come to lose meaning.

Dylan patted Xiu's shoulder saying, "You should be happy it's not anterograde amnesia (a state where a person loses his/her ability to make new memories.) Retrograde amnesia is like a blessing in disguise. You're given a clean start to begin a new life."

Xiu only smiled at his gratefully, not knowing what else to say. She knew he was trying to make her feel better but honestly, how could one live happily knowing there is a past she can't even recall. 

"Yes, it doesn't matter. Besides, I heard you're a very smart person. So, amnesia should not be a big deal," Ying also agreed with Dylan and smiled genuinely at Xiu.

"Oh, she's smart. She's also gonna get her doctorate degree like you," said Dylan.

"Really?"

Xiu shook her head. "I dropped out."

"What? Why?" shrieked Dylan at her.

"I didn't feel like studying anymore," answered Xiu while shrugging her shoulders before she turned to Yan Ying and continued, "By the way, Ying Jie, I didn't know you're actually Dr. Yan Ying. That's a surprise."

"Why? I don't look like a smart person?" 

Xiu shook her head, "It's not that. I just thought... Forget it."

Xiu actually thought that Ying looked more like an adventure-loving person than book-loving. That's why she didn't take her for a scholar. To be honest, after her first encounter with Ying, Xiu had been often thought about Ying. Even now, Xiu was wondering how she was smiling so brightly before her eyes when her heart must be in pain.

"I think I got it. I indeed don't give those scholarly vibes but it was father who wanted me to study further, so I did so." 

"Then your adventurous side is not inherited from your dad," questioned Dylan in surprise.

"Nope. It's from my mom. Actually, my whole maternal family is adventurous. I definitely got those genes from them." Ying said it playfully but she meant it. It was her maternal family who had been involved in the dangerous side of the story for generations. Just like her aunt, even her mother was in the Criminal branch. She was the only one who had been pushed to the Investigation Unit.

But even though her whole life had been involved in dangerous work, she loved her job very much. It allowed her to see the world in a very different light. And under the guise of being an archaeologist, she had seen far and beyond of the world that rarely came to light.

....

"That's not possible!"

Nora was still in disbelief over what Ah-Si told her. She was not willing to believe that the little girl he held in his arms was actually hers. How was that even possible? Yes, she had wished countless times to see her daughter alive for once but how could wishes come true? This didn't make any sense.

"Maybe... Maybe you're mistaken. She couldn't be mine," she was mumbling non-stop. "You have no proof that she's mine." Indeed, he had no proof. It was just his belief. 

Ah-Si sighed heavily, "First of all, I don't need proof to know that you gave birth to her. Second of all, I didn't tell you this because I'm hoping for you to believe me. I simply want to know where my daughter had been before she was left at my door. And why?"

"How are you so sure that I'm her mother?" Nora was still in disbelief. "Your ex-fiancee could also be the one."

"I'm certain it's you because except for you I had never been with any woman." Why else would his own father tease him for living like a monk? Before Nora came into his life, he had never felt those feelings. That was also the reason why he so readily agreed for an arranged marriage back then. But who knew this Latina would stumble upon his life and wreck all his beliefs? "And if you're not Ava's mother then the only possibility I'm willing to believe is that she fell from the sky."

Nora was again stunned to her place. The conviction in his words and in his eyes was startling. He wasn't joking at all. He was serious when he said that there was only one possibility and that was this one; Nora was Ava's mother. There was no other way around it. But how was she supposed to process this all?

"How is this even possible?" she mumbled to herself.

"Instead of asking me, shouldn't you be questioning the people who told you that your daughter was born dead?" suggested Ah-Si.

Nora contemplated about his suggestion and came to a conclusion. She indeed needed some answers and the only person who could provide her answers was her grandaunt since her grandmother was no more. She didn't know what she was hoping for at this point. But she knew one thing, she desperately wanted to hold that little girl in her arms again.

Mustering up her courage, she asked, "Can I hold her? Just for a minute?"

Ah-Si looked at her pleading eyes and turned away saying, "Whether you're her mother or not, I'm not gonna allow a woman who wanted to kill my child to hold her in her arms." He turned to look at her again as he added, "I don't trust you anymore."

Nora felt like her heart was crushed brutally. She felt so much pain and suffocation in her chest. Those words of his pierced her heart. But she couldn't even say anything since she couldn't even deny that she had thought of killing her baby once.

Even if it was a fleeting moment, it had made her hate herself for wanting to take an innocent life. She couldn't blame him for hating her as well for that. She brought it upon herself because of her selfishness and cowardness.