Imperfect Desires

In a spur of the moment, everything can change in life. Even people tend to change in that one moment without us even realizing it. Speaking her heart out was Xiu's that moment. Stepping out of the room when she stood at the balcony looking over the brightly lit city far away, her heart felt relaxed as if she had finally gotten rid of a huge burden.

It was hard to say that she was the same Chen Xiu whom she hated the most in her life and yet, it was a sad reality she couldn't even deny as well.

But as soon as the cold night breeze hit her face, she held her head in her hands. Because finally, she realized what she did in her moment of foolishness.

"Fuck!" she cursed out as she fell on her knees while holding the metal railing. "What the hell did I just do?!"

Honestly speaking, initially, when Darren told her that he didn't see Chen Xiu in her and he was very clear about the fact that she and Chen Xiu were two different people, that's when Xiu decided not to tell him anything. Because she didn't want to confuse him all over again. Also because when the chapter of Chen Xiu was closed, it wasn't worth it to open it all over again. That was, of course, her very personal opinion. 

However, when she saw Darren hurt because of Chen Xiu, she couldn't help herself. Emotions took over her rationality as she wanted him to know that she never blamed him for not being there for her. It was true that she really wished he was there but it was also true that she never thought he was obliged to do so. Her decision to end her miserable life had nothing to do with him. Not even a little.

Then how could she see him blaming himself? Even if she was ever hurt by him that was only because he didn't keep his promise. But now that she knew he was with his mother, how could she blame him? She couldn't and wouldn't want to be his priority when the other person was his own mother.

Ruffling her hair in distress, she whispered, "Xiu, you dumbo! He is gonna send you to an asylum for talking nonsense. How can you drop such a huge bomb on him so easily? What if he really thought that you have gone crazy? Or maybe he'll think you're possessed or something? Or worse, he'll break up with you!"

At her very own assumptions, Xiu wanted to cry. Especially as she thought about the possibility of a break up with him. That was like someone twisted a knife through her heart. It was the agony she couldn't describe. 

"Did I really messed it up?" Xiu thought out loud to herself. Xiu knocked her head against the railing cursing herself, "Xiu, you're an idiot! How could you be so dumb! No sane person can possibly believe such a horrendous thing!" As her head was about to hit the cold railing, she didn't feel the impact. Instead, her forehead touched something soft. 

She opened her eyes slowly and looked at the hand that stopped her from assaulting herself. She raised her head slowly and turned to look at Darren staring at her with a complicated look in his eyes. Xiu couldn't tell what was going through his mind as she said, "You won't send me to a mental hospital, right? Or to a research center? I really hate those places." Seeing him being silent, she hunched her shoulders whispering, "You don't believe me..." It wasn't a question. It was a conclusion she could come up with.

Instead of answering her, Darren showed his phone screen to her. Xiu looked at the screenshot of her last post on Weibo as Chen Xiu which read, 'I guess it was just wishful thinking on my part that I spent years waiting for a happy ending. Now... I'm just too tired...'

Xiu knitted her brows in question as she looked at him and he finally asked, "I have only one question, what was written on the other side of this note?"

Even after thinking for an hour, he could only come up with that one question. Because every other thing she said about Chen Xiu could have been known by someone close to her even though it was impossible but there were only two people who knew what was written on that note that Chen Xiu held in her hand even on her death bed. One person was Darren who pulled that note out of her hand and the other person was the one who wrote it; Chen Xiu.

Xiu blinked at him in confusion as she retorted, "How do you know something was written on the other side?"

Darren held her shoulders and said, "Just answer my question, Sweets."

Xiu took a long dramatic pause before saying out, "Dear life, I've cried enough. Let's break up now... That was written-" Xiu's words were left unsaid as Darren pulled her in for a tight hug. Xiu was taken by surprise but she welcomed his warmth with a smile and wrapped her arms around him.

Only she knew how scared she was when he wasn't talking. But with one simple hug, she felt like everything was alright again.

Meanwhile, Darren had a million things running through his mind until she said the exact same words as they were written on that note. It felt surreal and yet he desperately wanted to believe in her. How could he not? She was his Sweets. Even if she was lying, he would believe her because he loved her. As for in this case, no matter how unreal it felt, he couldn't deny the fact that logically she knew everything about Chen Xiu that only Chen Xiu knew herself.

But just as we started this chapter, some decisions are better left to that spur of the moment. Yes, you'll make mistakes but how will you create memories without those mistakes? Sometimes, it's better to let somethings happen naturally. Without realizing it, some unplanned decisions become the best ones in our lives.

And it didn't take a genius to know that Darren would stand by Xiu's side as he said so. Because when you love someone, you have to accept every part of them. No matter how weird or crazy that part is. Because you should never forget, you fell in love with that person's craziness in the first place.