Chapter 63 – Being Matt

The first thing Noxx felt was the weight.

The body was heavy. Much heavier than she had expected.

Not the weight of being fat or anything like that — the weight of being real, of having flesh and bones and tired muscles that pulled downward.

In the mental world, her body weighed nothing. She moved just by thinking it. She appeared and disappeared at will.

Here, on the other hand, every part had its own weight, its own reluctance, its own way of complaining.

The second thing she felt was everything else.

The pillow under her cheek. The sheet against her side. The air moving in and out of lungs that weren't hers, but that now, for a while, belonged to her.

The slow beat of a heart.

The warmth of the mattress beneath the body.

Even the brush of long hair against the back of her neck felt strange — too sharp, too present.

It was Matt's body.

'Incredible…' Noxx managed to think, still with her eyes closed, as part of her marveled quietly. 'So this is what it feels like to be outside the cave, in the real world…'

With no pressure on her, she could taste her own mouth. Feel the cold air coming in through her nose. Notice the dim light creeping in from somewhere in the room and grazing her eyelids from outside.

Then she remembered where she was and had to focus.

'Alright, it's just one shift. Matt said the first one would be nothing. I just have to open my eyes, act normal, not draw attention, and let time pass. That's all. I can do this. It's the easiest thing in the world. I just have to open my eyes and…'

Noxx opened her eyes and found the queen's face ten centimeters from hers.

The queen was lying on her side, facing her, in the same bed, head propped on one hand.

Her red eyes were already open.

She was already awake.

And she was looking at her.

Up close.

Too close.

With that calm half-smile fixed to her face, as though she had been like that for a while — watching Matt sleep from a distance that no normal person would consider acceptable.

Noxx couldn't help it.

"Ah—!"

The shriek slipped out. Short, sharp.

The whole body jolted backward from the fright, hands clutching at the sheet, heels pushing into the mattress, and she nearly fell off the other side of the bed.

The heart — that heart that wasn't hers — went from zero to full sprint in an instant.

The queen laughed.

A soft, low, amused laugh, without moving a single centimeter from her spot.

"My," she said. "It's been a long time since I've seen you startled by me."

Noxx's blood ran cold.

'What?'

Panic detonated in her head all at once.

'Oh no. No no no no no. It hasn't even been a minute and the queen already suspects something?! She already noticed something's off?!'

Noxx had to sound like Matt. Now. Immediately.

So she breathed, gathered every bit of composure she could find, pushed her voice down as deep in her throat as it would go, and responded.

"…Stop being so annoying."

She said it forcing the tone downward. Low. Deep. As close as possible to a man, because that was how Matt sounded in her head, that was how she remembered he was supposed to sound.

The problem was that the body she was in was female.

So what came out wasn't a deep, masculine voice. It was Matt's voice — his current voice, his girl's voice — but squeezed and twisted into a strange, raspy, exaggerated register that sounded neither male nor female nor anything normal.

It sounded like someone faking.

Like someone acting very, very badly.

The queen blinked.

And then her smile got bigger.

"You look so endearing," she said.

Noxx felt the heat rise to every inch of her face.

"And that's new," the queen went on, settling her cheek back against her hand, perfectly delighted. "You speaking to me in that tone. So… particular. So strained. Did something happen to your throat this morning, dear? Would you like me to get you some water?"

'NO. NO. NO. NO.'

Noxx's head was on fire.

'She noticed! She noticed the voice! My stupid voice! Why did I force it?! Now she suspects even more! She's going to realize I'm not him! She's going to figure everything out! And it's going to be my fault, my fault, my—!'

"Noxx."

Matt's voice appeared inside her head.

Calm. Close. Almost bored.

"Relax."

'Relax?! How am I supposed to relax?! She almost figured it out! Twice! The scream, the voice, all of it! I told you I wasn't cut out for this, I told you, I—!'

"She almost nothing," said Matt, without a trace of alarm. "She's messing with you. That's all. She does it to me every morning. She throws out a comment to watch you react, to make you uncomfortable, to have a little fun at your expense. It's her hobby. She doesn't suspect anything."

'Are you… are you sure?'

"Completely sure. The 'you look so endearing' line comes up every other day. And the thing about the throat is to see if you take the bait and get nervous explaining yourself. The one rule with her is this: be boring. Don't give her anything to work with. Don't justify yourself, don't explain yourself, don't play along. The less you react, the less fun she has."

'And the voice?' asked Noxx, still mortified. 'What do I do about the voice? I forced it horribly. Do I keep going low to stay in character, or…?'

"No. Please, no." Matt let out something close to a sigh. "That was the one thing that actually sounded off. Stop forcing the voice. My body has this voice right now. This one. The one you use to think. The queen hears it every day — it's my normal voice now. You don't need to make it lower or anything else. Just talk the way you always do and it'll sound exactly like me, because it is me."

Matt paused.

"Normally I'm… a sourpuss who gives short answers and wants to be left alone. You already know how to do that. You've spent months watching me do it."

'…Alright.'

"So breathe. Ignore the throat comment. Don't respond to it. Just get out of bed and start your day like she doesn't exist. Ready?"

Noxx breathed.

Once. Twice.

'…Ready.'

"Then get up. Slowly. No drama."

Noxx did as she was told.

She pushed the sheet aside. Set her feet on the cold floor. And stood up.

It cost her more than she expected. The body was weak, still recovering from the weeks spent unconscious, and the moment she put her weight on her legs, they trembled, and the left knee nearly gave out.

Noxx caught the edge of the nightstand on pure instinct, steadied herself, and held on. She stayed still for a second, breathing, until her legs stopped arguing.

Then, not knowing quite what to do with her hands, or her face, or anything else, she did what she had watched Matt do a thousand times from inside his head.

She stretched.

She raised her arms above her head, arched her back slightly, and let the air out slowly through her nose.

A normal gesture.

A just-woke-up gesture.

Something it was impossible to get wrong — something any person did in the morning without thinking about it.

Then she tried to stand like him. Shoulders slightly dropped. Weight resting on one leg. Face blank — not pleased, not annoyed, that neutral, tired default expression Matt wore constantly.

She had seen it so many times it almost came on its own.

Almost.

"You got up without complaining," the queen remarked from the bed, watching her. "And without me having to threaten you. You're a very obedient son this morning."

Another jab.

Another hook in the water.

Noxx felt it pull at her — the urge to answer, to defend herself, to say something.

But this time she remembered.

'Be boring. Don't give her anything.'

So she said nothing. She let out just a small breath through her nose, the way Matt would, and stayed standing in the middle of the room without looking at the queen, as though the comment hadn't happened.

The queen tilted her head, slightly less amused when the hook didn't catch.

And Noxx felt, for a second, something close to pride.

'I ignored it. I ignored it properly, like Matt said. I didn't take the bait. Maybe I can do this after all. Maybe I'm not completely useless. Maybe—'

"What do you want to eat?"

The queen's voice cut right through her.

Noxx froze.

'…Eat?'

Noxx turned her head barely toward the bed. The queen had already sat up — legs crossed on the mattress, hands on her knees, watching her with that usual calm of hers, waiting for an answer.

An answer Noxx didn't have.

'What do I say? What does Matt eat in the morning? What does he order? I don't know. I have no idea. Yesterday he had a burger. Do I ask for a burger again? Or is it weird to order the same thing two days in a row? Do I ask for pizza to mix it up? But what if Matt hates pizza in the morning? Do people eat pizza in the morning? I don't even know what time it is. I don't know if this is breakfast or lunch. I don't know anything. Why don't I know anything? What if I ask for something he'd never ask for and she notices? What if this is one of her tests? What if the right answer is to not ask for anything? What if—?'

'Matt!' Noxx called out inside her mind, stumbling over herself. 'What do I say? What do I order? Tell me fast. Pizza? Burger? Something else? What would you pick? Please, tell me, quickly, she's looking at me!'

Silence.

'Matt?'

Nothing.

'Matt, I know you can hear me! I know you're there! Help me! Just tell me what to answer and that's it — one word, anything!'

And then Matt spoke.

But not to help.

"Handle it yourself."

'What?'

"Handle it yourself," Matt repeated, and Noxx could hear the small, hidden smile in his voice. "I'm not going to tell you what to order. You decide. Do what you want. The answer doesn't matter — it's food, there's no way to get it wrong. I trust you."

'NO!'

Noxx's head caught fire again, worse than before.

'Don't trust me! This is not the moment to trust me! Didn't you see what happened two minutes ago?! I screamed! I forced my voice like an idiot! I almost fell out of the bed, almost fell getting up! I've been awake for five minutes and we've almost been caught three times! Please, Matt, just tell me what—!'

"I trust you."

And he said nothing more.

Noxx stood in the middle of the room, with the queen looking at her, waiting for the answer to a question as dumb and simple as what she wanted to eat — and feeling as though that question was the hardest thing in the entire universe.

Because those two words from Matt hadn't calmed her down.

They had buried her.

'I trust you…'

How could he trust her, when she didn't even trust herself?

Hadn't he just seen her nearly blow everything in the first minute?

Was Matt blind?

Noxx felt a drop of sweat slide down her temple. Then another down the back of her neck. Her mouth went dry in an instant. Her heart started beating faster, harder, hammering against her ribs with enough force that she was sure the queen could hear it.

And when she looked down at her own hands, she saw it.

They were shaking.

Noxx closed her fists so it wouldn't show. But then she felt the trembling climb up her arms, her shoulders, her whole body.

Closing her fists didn't help.

Nothing helped.

The harder she tried to control the body, the more it slipped away from her.

"Are you alright?"

The queen's voice changed.

Noxx looked up.

The queen had almost stopped smiling. Only a faint trace of the earlier expression remained, but the tone had shifted. More serious. More firm.

A tone that Noxx recognized — it was very close to the one Matt used when he meant something.

And there, out of habit, out of pure reflex, out of months and months of living inside Matt's head and watching him and copying him and absorbing every one of his gestures without ever meaning to — Noxx's body answered on its own.

Her back straightened sharply, her shoulders settled back, and she said:

"Yes."

One word.

The queen went silent.

For one full second, that calm, mocking expression she'd worn since Noxx woke up disappeared entirely.

The queen's red eyes opened just slightly.

On the outside, Noxx looked like Matt. Calm. Steady. Impossible to read.

On the inside, she was screaming — but she kept her face still.

She had to fool the queen.