I Don't Want To Be Loved

Chapter 91: Will You Trust Me?

Rihannan looked at him with questioning eyes.

Afraid of his mother?

What did he mean by that?

“I’m not sure I follow…” she trailed off.

“When a person’s mind is traumatized beyond repair, they’re left with extreme methods. And that’s when you’re given two choices… take your own life or take the lives of others.”

Rihannan’s face hardened. She was reminded of her past choices.

“Killing one’s own self is a sacrifice itself, but when that trauma and anger is directed towards others, it doesn’t end with one sacrifice. What follows is a terribly horrid and endless cycle of death. Sometimes, the person who you think is incapable of doing it might…” Igor bit his lip and choked on his words, “Anyway, we’ll never know the result of one’s action till it’s all over.”

Purple eyes looked at her like it was peering through her soul, asking her which side she had chosen. Those purple eyes seemed to know that she had chosen the first, that she had taken her own life because she was mentally incapable of living on. But she found it hard to predict which category Igor belonged to. He was cold, brutally cold, but it was difficult to imagine him as a tyrant who slaughtered countless innocent lives in cold blood.

“If you hold hate, especially for those you hold affection for, it’s bound to grow until it can no longer be contained. That’s… that’s why I’m afraid of her, of my mother,” he sighed lowly, “I know I’m saying too much and you may not understand, but I just wanted to let you know.”

“…So you do have something you fear,” Rihannan laughed bitterly and looked at him, “When we were young, I thought you were strong, like you had nothing to fear. That’s what went through my mind.”

“No, you’re wrong. I’ve always been afraid,” he gave a bitter smile, “There were always people who sought after my title, who wanted to replace me, and a mother who thought of me as a tool to be moved around like a mere chess piece. If I weren’t her only son, I’d already be used and abandoned long ago.”

“It’s true that she’s different from other mothers, but it doesn’t mean that she’s not willing to spare you, her only son.”

Igor chuckled wryly. “Maybe so… but everyone loves to play king the most when playing chess. If the king dies, the game’s over. I know my mother was kind to you. I know. But sometimes the cruelest person is your closest kin. You are my mother’s goddaughter, that’s true, but you’ll soon be my wife. Please keep that in mind. Don’t judge her by her appearance alone. She can be the cruelest person…”

Rihannan looked at him for a moment and said, “I’ll believe you… but Igor… you were probably lonely.”

His eyes widened slightly. He never thought of himself as one.

“Lonely? Me?”

“You said you never had anyone to rely on. No one. And I’m sure Basil has his limits. It would be strange not to fall in the pits of loneliness.”

Rihannan knew well what it was like to be shunned by your own blood. Even she was made victim of it without knowing. Igor’s frustrations must have grown while she was torn and stuck in the middle of him and his mother’s conflict.

“You think you’ll never feel loneliness, that loneliness isn’t what you’re feeling as other thoughts and feelings plague your heart and mind. And then you realize everything all too late and what it was all along was… loneliness,” Rihannan said.

‘We’re much more alike than we thought, Igor. Don’t you think so? Why couldn’t we be like this before…? What happened to us?’

Like Rihannan, Igor longed and yearned for his mother’s love in the same way she yearned for the love of her father.

Like Rihannan, he was just as lonely and broken as her.

Had she known, would things have ended differently? Had she tried more, would she have known that there was more than meets the eye?

“You’re right,” Igor smiled bitterly, “I must’ve been lonely…”

His voice rang, interrupting her deep thoughts.

“I thought it was important that I grab hold of power… but some things were missing. Maybe it is as you said, maybe it is loneliness. I have power now, but…”

Igor reached out and held onto her hand. He looked into her blue eyes, eyes that he could drown in, eyes that hold specks of sunlight, of depth and raw emotion, and eyes that could freeze him in a trance.

“Rihannan, I’m placing all my trust in you… will you trust me?”

Unable to understand his intention, she was at loss for words.

“You’ll believe me? Trust me? It hasn’t been long since we’ve met. How can you readily trust me?”

Igor had never believed in her during their marriage. But now, when they’ve just met, how can he allow himself to trust her?

***

‘We’re much more alike than we thought, Igor. Don’t you think so? Why couldn’t we be like this before…? What happened to us?’