Heart of Darkness

“He made her his personal guard? Does that mean he admits he wants her? Then why doesn’t he tell her that he knows she is a woman?” Rayven asked confused.

Lazarus chuckled. “He does want her near him but he hasn’t admitted that he wants her near him forever so he can’t reveal the truth yet. If he tells her he knows then she will leave and he would have to make her stay by compulsion or threat which isn’t the most romantic thing to do. Or he could make her his which he isn’t ready for yet so this is good so far. He is not sending her away at least.”

This way he could keep her close while he tried to figure out his feelings, but Lazarus guessed that it was probably more than that. He must be testing her. Seeing if he could trust her or he was trying to find flaws in her hoping that it would make him dislike her. Or perhaps it could be both. Only time would tell what Roxana would do but somehow he felt like already knew because she was very much like him.

Rayven lay quietly in the dark tent. Lazarus knew the man wasn’t fond of Roxana.

“Why don’t you like her?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. I had hoped for him to find someone good. Someone who will help him and change him for the better.”

“Someone like Angelica?”

“Yes.”

“But he is not you and we all need different things.”

“We all need to redeem ourselves.”

“I don’t think you understand Roxana.”

“And you do?”

Lazarus paused realizing that he was suddenly becoming defensive but he didn’t care. “I do. I am not saying stealing or lying is right but I understand what could have led her to it.” He sighed remembering some things that he didn’t want to remember. “Facing hardships as an adult, when you know better and as a child is different. Being treated cruelly, unfairly, and trying to survive in a world where people always try to walk over you does something to you. You learn that to survive sometimes you have to be vicious as well. It is kill or be killed.”

“That is dramatic.”

“And very true.”

“What happened to you?” He asked.

Lazarus stiffened. He didn’t like to talk about it. “Nothing.”

“You were talking about yourself now.”

He remained quiet.

Rayven decided not to pry anymore. “I understand it is not as easy as saying she is good or bad.” He said at last. “I just hope she doesn’t hurt him.”

“She won’t.”

She was too weak for that. If she was anything like him then she was drawn to caring and sensitive people. Her story would probably end up being similar to his story with Ash. Except for the romance and passion and some other wicked things Skender seemed to have in mind. He was already beginning to show his fun side.

Playing with the player could turn out to be a dangerous game but very entertaining. Roxana would have a taste of her own medicine but she wouldn’t be an easy match. Skender was playing with fire, but Lazarus was sure that if he allowed himself this burn would feel good.

***********

Roxana felt strange that this whole situation began to feel comfortable and normal considering that she was supposed to be a man. She lay there beside Alexander in the darkness, looking into his beautiful eyes while they spoke.

He was hypnotizing her. She should be afraid and not trust him so easily. When was she ever so easily won? So easily distracted? She should be careful not to give him the wrong signals and engage in this conversation. She should be strictly focused on being his guard and make known that she only preferred women. Yet, she couldn’t stop herself. She wanted to watch him, listen to him. God, she was letting the shine blind her but somehow she felt like there was more to him than just his beauty. There was depth in his eyes. Worry, sorrow, and other emotions she couldn’t quite place.

“Why did you become a guard? Do you not wish to get married?” He asked.

A woman not wishing to get married was like a woman wishing to be out on the streets and begging. Of course, she wanted to get married. For men at worst, it was about carrying on their bloodline, and for women about surviving. She hated that it was that way, like a trade of favors instead of an exchange of love. Like the love her parents had for each other.

Roxana grew up seeing their affection for one another and it hurt so much to know that her beautiful family was torn apart. And now she would never have a family of her own. She was past that age. Women were most desirable and eligible for marriage between the age of seventeen and nineteen. If late perhaps twenty but older than that her chances became very low and lower as she aged. Now at twenty-three, almost twenty-four marriage was a faraway dream. A fantasy. Especially with her background and with no one to vouch for her innocence, for that was crucial.

Not that there was any innocence to be proved. At this point, she was far from innocent. Everything she had been through with Henrik would make her unqualified. She didn’t even have her innocence to offer a man. Why would anyone marry her?

“No, Your Majesty.”

“Why not?”

“The spirits have told me that I won’t find a suitable spouse.”

Yes. She would marry a very old man which made her question if marriage was indeed better than ending up on the streets. For her, it would be a choice between hell on earth or in the hereafter.

“What would be suitable for you?” He asked.

She became thoughtful. Even though she believed in love and thought that people should marry for love, she usually thought of marriage as a means of survival so a suitable husband had been one with wealth or stability. She hadn’t put much thought into what she truly wanted had the circumstances been different.

“Someone intelligent, loving, and caring.” She said and then remembered that she was a man and that didn’t sound like a man’s reply. “A beautiful healthy woman who can give me many offsprings and be a good mother.” She added.

His face twitched as if holding back laughter and then he let it out.

He laughed.

Roxana watched him surprised. He truly laughed as rolled on his back, showing his perfectly white teeth with slightly longer canines. And she got this odd feeling that he rarely laughed as she observed him. Then she wondered why he was laughing. She had said funny things many times before and he had never laughed and now, what did she say wrong?

“You are funny Rox. Surely it can’t be that difficult to find such a woman.”

“It is not. But I don’t look like a very healthy man who can give many offsprings so it is difficult for me to attract such a woman. Those kinds of women have high standards and a poor man like myself does not have much to offer.”

He turned to her and watched her in the dark, the smile fading and getting replaced by a serious expression. “That sounds strange coming from you.” He said. “You don’t seem like the type to give up on a challenge or undermine your qualities.”

Roxana’s heart made a strange thumping in her chest that went down to her stomach. What was this feeling? Why was he speaking as if he knew her?

With a sigh, he turned on his back again. “Good night, Rox.” He then closed his eyes.

Roxana watched him confused for a while before deciding to go to sleep as well. She slowly moved further away from him, now that he was sleeping, and tried to only get a little sleep. But as tired as she was, darkness swept her away into the sweetest dream she ever had.

A fresh breath of mint against her lips. A soft caress of passion, a whisper of love, she was enveloped in warmth and heat. In safety and comfort. This couldn’t be true. This had to be a dream. This scent of masculinity was not something she was used to. It didn’t belong in her daily life. She felt like something was wrong as she slowly came back to her senses and found herself indeed wrapped in warmth and comfort. Basked in a desirable scent.

Her face was close to his neck. His silky hair tickled her cheek and his strong arm was wrapped around her.  Roxana stiffened. What was happening?