Chapter 171: Good Egg

I was having the dream again. Floating through the clouds, just me and my hair, when I heard someone call my name. It sounded far away, and I chose to ignore it. This was my dream and I wasn’t about to let it get interrupted. Then I heard my name again, louder this time. Obviously, I ignored it again. I wasn’t going to let my dream tell me what to dream.

Unfortunately for me, the dream had other plans in mind. Invisible hands grabbed me and pulled me down to earth, faster and faster until I woke up. Ola had her hand on my shoulder and was staring right at me. Perhaps it had been Ola’s voice all along, and she’d been trying to wake me up.

“What’s going on?” I asked. “Is something wrong? Do you need me to kill someone?”

She pulled back a bit, confused at first, then smiled. “No, my Lady, I just wanted to let you know breakfast is ready. Everyone is waiting for you.”

“…Breakfast.” I was kind of hungry, I realized. I hadn’t eaten much yesterday, what with all the fighting and shooting and apologizing. “Breakfast,” I said again, slightly more awake this time.

“Breakfast,” Ola repeated. “I didn’t know what you like, so I prepared a variety of things.”

I pulled off the blanket and hopped out of bed. A variety of things was exactly what I liked. Probably. Before heading downstairs I took a quick peek in the mirror. Flawless as always. I gave myself a confident wink, then strolled out of the bedroom.

When I was about halfway down the stairs Ola called after me. “Excuse me, my Lady?”

I turned around. “Huh?”

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going downstairs!”

“Why?”

“To have breakfast, obviously.”

“Oh.” Ola looked at the floor, then back at me. “Breakfast is on this floor, because this is your floor. This is where you have dinner.”

“Right,” I said. “But why?”

“Downstairs is where you receive… unesteemed guests. Your floor is for esteemed guests and yourself. The top floor is for your staff. Guests that you allow to spend the night would usually also use the top floor for sleeping.”

I started walking back up the stairs. It would have been good if someone had explained this beforehand. I nodded at Ola. “Sure.”

She inclined her head. “Please follow me.”

Ola then led me to a huge, opulent dining hall. Its style matched the rest of the place, that is to say, it looked expensive and busy. Vitek was already slurping down some eggs, which earned him a slap on the back of the head from Ola.

“Ow!” he said, rubbing the sore spot. “What was that for?”

“We do not start eating until the Lady of the house has arrived.”

He looked at me. “She’s here, isn’t she?”

That almost earned him another slap, but he skillfully dodged and grinned. He probably had a lot of experience getting slapped.

“Good morning, Hecate,” Kasia said with a warm smile.

“Hecate,” Vasil said.

Bogumir grunted.

I supposed it was appropriate that my travel party was all here. I took in the table. Ola really had gone all out. There were all kinds of meats and breads and eggs and some stuff I didn’t even know what it was. I was getting hungrier by the second, and the amazing smell of it all didn’t help.

“How did you sleep?” Vasil asked. “I hope you managed to get some rest. You had an exhausting day yesterday.”

I grabbed one of the eggs. Ola had even peeled it already. She truly was a [Prime Maid]. I always hated peeling eggs. The shell never came off properly, making the egg look like it had been in a fight, sometimes even leaving little left of it to eat. Ola, however, was an expert at it. The egg looked perfectly egg-shaped.

“Funny that you mention it,” I said, gesturing at him with my shiny egg. “My sleep started great. I had this dream where I was floating through the clouds and my hair was flowing behind me. It was a sight to behold, I tell you.”

Vasil’s expression turned flat.

“But then I felt like something was wrong, so I opened my eyes and guess what?”

Vasil sighed and looked like he was struggling not to roll his eyes. “What, Hecate?”

“Well,” I said, squinting at the egg. She really had done an amazing job at peeling this thing. Maybe she could teach me some time. The egg was as flawless as my skin. I plopped the whole thing in my mouth. “Whem I opened me eyef I faw a ladyt ftandin dere. Turnf out fee waf a Banda Mafvif—”

“Hecate!” Vasil interrupted. “I cannot understand a single thing you are saying. It is rude to talk with your mouth full.”

I rolled my eyes, slowly chewed the egg and swallowed it. Good egg. “As I was saying, when I opened my eyes, I saw a lady standing at the foot of my bed. Turned out she was a Banda Masvih assassin and knew that lady with the flaming mace. What are the odds, huh?”

Vasil’s eyes grew large. “What happened next. Did you kill her? I didn’t hear anything.”

"Of course I didn’t kill her," I said. “As you know I approach people from a place of love and understanding now. You can’t be friends without trying to understand the other person. So that’s what I did. I was understanding.”

He hopped over to me. “Hecate, are you serious? And you were like this? No disguise?”

Kasia looked worried. Bogumir looked like he didn’t care one way or another. Vitek looked amused.

“Why would I sleep in a disguise?” I scoffed. “It’s not like someone is going to break into my bedroom and… oh.”

“Exactly!” Vasil said. “Oh! All this effort, all this time spent to create the perfect disguise, and now Banda Masvih knows not only who you are, but also exactly where you are!”

“Would it help if I pretended I was mayor Aurelia’s bodyguard?”

“What?” Vasil’s expression turned confused. “How did you—”

I quickly summoned Aurelia in all her mayorly splendor. “Like this.”

His mouth fell open. “You took [Stunt Double].”

“Obviously I took [Stunt Double].”

“Obviously,” Aurelia said, rolling her eyes.

“And it works with [Disguise Self].” He nodded. “That is good. That is very good. But it does not change the fact that Banda Masvih now knows about you. And if they got here that fast they must have some kind of hideout nearby. This could be very bad.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” I said, waving him off. “The nice lady is going to arrange a meeting with her boss. She’s also going to give me either money to buy a new night robe or a new night robe. I’m not sure which one. That wasn’t clear to me.”

Kasia raised an eyebrow. “Why is an assassin getting you a new night robe?”

“Because she cried and snotted all over this one.” I pointed down. The tears had dried, but the snot mark was still there—dry and flaky, but still visible.

That got Bogumir’s attention. “Why was she crying?”

“And snotting?” Vitek asked.

I nodded at Aurelia. “Ask her. She’s the one that made her cry.”

“I am,” Bogumir said. “I’m asking you, and she is you.”

“Excuse me,” Aurelia scoffed. “What part of autonomous do you not understand?”

“Don’t insult the illusion, Bogey,” I said. “She has feelings too. Remember we come from a place of love and understanding now.”

He kind of shook his head and opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. “Whatever. Fine. Dear autonomous illusion, what did you do to make an assassin for the Banda Masvih cry?”

Aurelia put her hands on her hips. “I have a name! And a title. And I expect you to use them.”

Kasia chuckled, but quickly covered her mouth and pretended to be eating.

Bogumir sighed, then walked over the table to Vitek, pointed at his jug and held out his cup. Vitek filled it, grinning widely. Bogumir then walked back over the table to where he sat before, turned his back to me and sat down and took a sip. I guess he lost interest in the story for some reason. And they say I get distracted easily, he was even worse.

“So,” Vitek said, leaning closer. “Why the snot?”

“I think Aurelia scared her.”

Aurelia laughed. “You scared her. You showed her the decapitated and shrunken head of her colleague and laughed about it. Then you yelled at her. She thought you were going to kill her.”

“Okay, first of all.” I raised my hand. “I didn’t laugh about Hanka. I may have smiled at the cute matriarch head. Hanka was only next to it. It was obvious to everyone I was laughing at the strzyga. I wouldn’t be so inconsiderate as to laugh at someone’s de-bodied friend.”

“You laughed at Jerzy,” Bogumir said, back still turned toward me.

“Okay, first of all.” I raised my other hand as well. “I didn’t laugh. Jerzy made an annoying sound. I didn’t laugh at all. It wasn’t funny. And second of all, he wasn’t your friend. Though he deserves to be laughed at for being such a dick and being dead.”

Bogumir grunted. I grunted back and he turned his head toward me and squinted.

“What are you gonna do?” I asked. “Are you going to cry and wipe snot all over me?”

And right at that moment I noticed someone standing in the doorway. Salomea had returned, and had possibly been standing there for a while. She stood there, frozen, mouth open.