Chapter 165: Dress to Impress

Vasil nodded. “Yes, Hecate, the runewords. The ones listed are not on the same level as the ones from Bies’ book. As I said, they are decent, but since you already have runewords that suit you better I feel it would be a waste to use them temporarily, only to destroy them when you get the runestones you need for Bies’ runewords. Wasting runestones is never a good idea, since you might need those for a future, better runeword. You would gain temporary power, but sacrifice future power. I believe you should just wear your current gear until you find the stones you need.”

It was solid advice, but the problem was that now I had some actual girl clothes I didn’t want to be wearing this outfit anymore. I wanted to feel pretty!

“I think it will be worth it,” I said. “Wearing a dress like that makes a statement, and I need the power when I meet with Banda Masvih. They can’t think I lack resources, or even worse, that I’m weak..”

“Hmm,” Kasia said, tapping her chin. “What if you just wore the dress?”

“Well, yeah, that’s my plan.”

“No, I meant just the dress. Without enchanting it or using a runeword. Wouldn’t it be a power move if you didn’t come fully kitted out? If you show up wearing an unenchanted dress it would tell them you don’t need enchantments to beat them. That you are so powerful you can’t even be bothered to put on combat gear. It would signal that you are not afraid at all. You could still wear the tiara, of course, and it would look elegant. ”

That… was a very good idea.

“You’re right, Kasia,” I said, putting my hand on her shoulder. “It would be a total power move! And then Vasil won’t cry about me destroying a couple of runestones.”

“I was not crying,” Vasil objected. “I was merely trying to remind you that they are scarce!”

“Sure,” I waved him off.

After having worn enchanted gear for so long I might feel naked without it though. Somehow I was reminded of Eusarkos again. Being naked was even more of a power move than wearing a dress. Maybe I should just go naked. I bet they wouldn’t see that coming and it would definitely show them that they didn’t scare me at all. Was Eusarkos a genius? Was I?

That also made me wonder. Did he do that to show that he wasn’t afraid of anyone? And was he really sweaty or did he just coat himself in olive oil to be extra slippery should he get into a fight that he was unable to win. Just to have a backup plan, you know. I could see that. That made sense to me. If I were to go naked I should probably coat myself in olive oil as well. If they tried to trap me somehow and grab on to me I’d slip right out of their hands like a naughty sea cucumber.

I could picture it already. I’d be invited in some kind of dimly-lit room, on account of them being evil criminals. Some guy would be sitting behind a desk, maybe his face would be obscured by shadow to look extra villainy and mysterious. He might blow some smoke in my direction in an attempt to intimidate me.

In the corner of the room, using some kind of cloaking spell, would be an assassin, ready to step in if I stepped out of line. Or just because. Maybe it would be a trap. Obviously I wouldn’t be able to trust them. They were likely to betray me at some point. Maybe even at the first meeting, if I even got one.

But if I did get one, and it was a trap, I could just drop my dress. That would surely confuse them. Then if I somehow didn’t manage to kill them in that moment of confusion and they tried to grab on to me they would find me slippery like a… like a sea cucumber, yes. Only I would breathe out of my nose instead of out of my butt, unlike a sea cucumber. Because I wouldn’t be a sea cucumber, because I’d still be me, but I’d be slippery. And then they wouldn’t be able to catch me and I’d be laughing and they’d get frustrated, impotently trying to grab on to me. And then they’d die because I’d kill them.

I nodded to myself, pleased with my plan. When I glanced at Kasia I noticed she was frowning.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she said.

I shrugged. “So it’s settled then. I wear the dress. No runestones. Prepare the olive oil.”

Now Vasil frowned. “Prepare the…”

“Olive oil,” I repeated slowly, since the words were apparently hard for him to grasp. “For the sea cucumber strategy. Keep up, Vasil.”

He turned to Kasia, who shrugged. “Right. The sea cucumber strategy. Would you mind sharing this strategy with us?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I’d get naked and put the olive oil on myself and then no one would be able to catch me. Because I’d be slippery like a sea cucumber, but I’d breathe through my nose.”

Vasil stared at me, but he didn’t blink. His throat sack or whatever you call that thing slowly inflated and deflated. “Hecate, please tell me you did not just say that.”

“Don’t you already breathe through your nose?” Bogumir asked.

“Obviously,” I scoffed. “But I’d also breathe through my nose then.”

Bogumir looked utterly confused. “Huh?”

“What’s a sea cucumber?” Kasia asked.

I tapped my chin. “You don’t have those over here? No wonder you guys are confused. They are like these creatures on the bottom of the ocean. They kind of look like cucumbers, but not really. I don’t know why they’re called that. They look more like a short, fat worm. Or a short, fat slug. Or poop. But they’re not small like worms or slugs. They are bigger. Like they can be two hands long. I’ve seen big ones like that. Kind of like a big poop, I guess. Not my poop, because I don’t poop, because I’m a girl. But a man poop, or a big dog.”

“What?” Bogumir grimaced.

“Yeah, but they’re slippery. People sometimes use them as ointments. They are great for skin irritations, burns or wounds. And fun fact: sea cucumbers breathe through their butts. It’s the craziest thing. And even crazier: sometimes a pearl fish will swim backwards into a sea cucumber’s butt to hide from predators. So then its little head will stick out of the butt and it can watch for predators. Sometimes it will just go all the way inside.”

“How does the sea cucumber breathe with a fish in its butt?” Bogumir asked, now intrigued.

“That’s the beauty of it. The oxygenated water just kind of goes around the fish and they share the oxygen.”

“My Lady is quite knowledgeable,” Ola said.

Bogumir leaned into Vasil. “Fascinating. Did you know that, Vasil?”

Vasil shook his head. “I have never heard of such an animal. We do not have those in Silesia. The world is full of majestic creatures.”

“Well, they’re not that mysterious,” I laughed. “They’re pretty common. I can show you one if we ever get back to Graecia. When we get back to Graecia.”

“I have to say you got me pretty excited about Graecia now,” Bogumir said. “Do you have any other crazy animals like that? I’d love to see them!”

“Oh yeah, plenty. If you think sea cucumbers are crazy wait till you hear about the—”

“Hecate,” Vasil interrupted. “The plan?”

“With the oil?”

“Without the oil.”

“So… no oil?”

“I would advise against bringing a barrel of oil and disrobing in front of the Banda Masvih.”

“You think it wouldn’t work?”

He sighed a deep, tired sigh. “Hecate. Do I believe it would work? Honestly, knowing you, it would probably work. But keeping your clothes on would also work as long as we have a plan.” He shook his head. “And I have seen you move without a plan often enough that I would not be surprised if even without a plan things would somehow miraculously work out for you. But that does not mean we should go in without a plan… or clothes.”

I nodded thoughtfully. “It is a nice dress. Wouldn’t want to wrinkle it of course.”

“Of course.”

“Alright, the dress stays on. Unless…”

“No.”

“No?”

“No.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. So what’s the plan?”

“Well,” Vasil started. “They will not simply let you get out of Viswa’s payments. Since you do not wish to buy yourself out, they will likely ask you to do something for them. Something they do not wish to do themselves. Perhaps some kind of suicide mission, or retrieving an object that is particularly hard to get to. Perhaps they will ask you to assassinate someone.”

“Riiiiight. And why would I do this?”

“So they will leave you alone.”

“And what guarantee do I have that after I do this they will?”

“I suppose you do not have any.”

“Sounds like a bad deal.”

Vasil gave me a flat stare. “They are criminals, they cannot be trusted. This is the only type of deal they have.”

“I guess you’re right. What are the odds of them trying to kill me without even asking for anything?”

“I would say about fifty percent.”

“So…. I should invest in some new skills?”

“Yes.”