Chapter 167: ¹⁶⁷: complicated feelings

Chapter 167: 1??: complicated feelings

No matter how hard I tried to rub away the feeling, it wouldn’t disappear. Nothing was working. Tears began falling from my eyes without my permission, hot and suffocating, as though something horrible had happened to me.

Except nothing had happened. Or perhaps something had, and I simply didn’t want to acknowledge it.

My hand moved to my abdomen, and I carefully pulled away the coverings over my wound, wincing as the soothing layer came off and left the injured skin exposed to the cold water. The sting made me pause for a moment, but I continued, unwilling to let even that distract me from the mess inside my head.

I moved across the bathroom, water dripping from my body, my drenched shirt clinging to my skin and my wet hair sticking to my cheeks. I didn’t care. Not in the slightest.

Reaching the cabinet, I pulled it open and took out the solution I was supposed to use to soak my wound coverings. Even though I felt like absolute shit, even though I had no idea what I was doing or what I was feeling anymore, my body continued to follow the familiar routine.

Some part of me was still determined to make sure I didn’t do anything I would regret later. And keeping my wound coverings clean was one of those things.

I dropped the covering I had already removed into the solution before carefully reaching around to remove the one on my back. The movement made me wince again, but I placed that one into the solution as well, making sure both were properly soaked before closing the container.

As I pushed the cabinet shut, my gaze drifted upward and caught my reflection in the mirror above it.

I stopped, I looked horrible. There was nothing in that reflection that resembled the confident, determined Athena I had imagined myself remaining throughout this arrangement.

The girl staring back at me looked nothing like the person I had promised myself I would be. She looked lost, exhausted, and painfully vulnerable.

My eyes were red, tears continuing to spill down my cheeks no matter how many times I blinked them away. My face was flushed, my hair stuck messily to my skin, and my shirt clung to my body, soaked through by the shower.

Every detail of my reflection seemed to be screaming the same thing. I had nothing under control. Not my thoughts. Not my emotions. Not even myself.

"What are you doing, Athena?" I whispered, staring straight into my own hollow eyes. My voice sounded so small that I barely recognized it. "Have you forgotten why you’re here in the first place?"

I lifted both hands and pushed my wet hair away from my face. I couldn’t stand the feeling of it sticking to my cheeks anymore, just as I couldn’t stand the sight of the girl staring back at me.

"You’re here to pay off your debt to Luna Selene!" I reminded myself, forcing the words out as though hearing them aloud would somehow make them sink in. "You’re here to make sure you have someone strong enough standing beside you to face whatever dark past your existence holds!"

I kept looking at myself in the mirror, waiting for those words to have some effect.

They were supposed to remind me of my purpose. They were supposed to bring back the determination I had clung to for so long, the very reason I had agreed to this arrangement with Kael in the first place.

But my eyes remained unchanged. The tears kept falling, and that hollow expression refused to leave my face.

Because beneath all the reminders and all the reasons I could repeat to myself, there was still something I didn’t want to admit.

A softness in my eyes that didn’t belong here. A tenderness I had no intention of allowing myself to feel. And no matter how desperately I tried to deny it, that softness was still there for the very person who had just walked away from me.

The same person who had left me standing there with a thousand conflicting thoughts.

It was as though everything that had happened between us had done absolutely nothing to his conscience, while it had completely ruined mine.

And I couldn’t even complain about it, because that was the reality of our relationship. It was how things were supposed to be from the beginning. We had entered this arrangement for our own reasons, and whatever happened between us was never meant to mean anything beyond that.

At least, that was how it was supposed to be. From my side, at least. I had planned everything so carefully. I had intended to be the one who viewed this relationship as nothing more than a means to achieve my goal.

I would make Kael obsessed with me, make him care about me enough that he would eventually become the support I needed. I would get what I wanted out of this arrangement, and once I had secured the position I needed, I would have no reason to concern myself with anything else.

That had been my plan from the very beginning. But somehow, everything had backfired.

Kael was the one who remained unaffected, the one who continued to see our relationship as nothing more than an agreement between us. He could walk away without looking back, without sparing a thought for what his words might have done to me.

And I was the one who had started to... Like him.

Wait! I abruptly snapped out of my thoughts, my eyes widening as the realization struck me. For a moment, I could only stare at my reflection, my heart pounding as though I had just discovered something truly terrible about myself.

"I... I like Kael?!" I muttered. My hands clenched at my sides, my nails digging into my palms as I shook my head in immediate denial.

"No. No, that’s not..." I trailed off, struggling to find the words to dismiss the very thought that had just crossed my mind. "There’s no way that’s true! I’m just overstimulated right now."

Yes. That had to be it. I was exhausted, overwhelmed by everything that had happened, and far too caught up in my own emotions to think clearly. That was all. There was no other explanation, and I refused to entertain one.

"I... I need to get some air!" I blurted out to absolutely no one in the bathroom, as though saying it aloud would somehow make it true. "I’m just spouting nonsense!"

I needed to stop thinking. I needed to get away from these ridiculous thoughts before they could take root in my mind.

With that in mind, I pulled the drenched shirt off my body. Its wet fabric had been clinging to my skin, making me feel suffocated but perhaps it wasn’t the shirt that was making it so difficult to breathe.

Perhaps it was the emotions crawling beneath my skin, refusing to leave me alone no matter how hard I tried to push them away.

I hurried out of the bathroom and straight to my wardrobe, barely paying attention to anything around me as I searched for something dry and warm.

I needed to stop shivering. And, more than anything, I needed something -anything to distract me from the lingering memories of Kael’s lips and hands, sensations my mind seemed determined to hold on to.

Once I was dressed, I hurried to my bed and threw the quilt over myself, wrapping it tightly around my body as though I were caught in the middle of a snowstorm without any heating.

Goosebumps spread across my skin as I closed my eyes and buried my face in my pillows. I pulled the quilt closer, trying to shut out the cold, the memories, and the endless stream of thoughts that refused to leave me alone.

I couldn’t keep doing this. I couldn’t allow myself to become so distracted by Kael that I forgot what I had come here to accomplish.

"I won’t do anything to make Kael obsessed with me anymore!" I declared, lifting my head from the pillows as a fresh wave of determination settled over me.

I shifted beneath the quilt and rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling as I forced myself to think about what lay ahead instead of what had just happened.

"The eclipse is only a few days away now," I reminded myself. "That will be the last time I’ll do this with him."

"Just because I know it’s essential for the first thing I came here to do; to find out whether Kael was really the one Luna Selene wanted," I reminded myself. "The second thing I wanted from all this will only make things more complicated for me, and I don’t want that."

A weary sigh escaped my lips as I continued staring at the ceiling. This time, I didn’t try to fight my thoughts or force my feelings into silence. I was tired of pretending that nothing was happening inside me, tired of trying to convince myself that I was still as unaffected as I had been when this arrangement first began.

"I shouldn’t keep denying it," I whispered. "I’m developing feelings for him, and I can’t afford that."

(?;?;?;???_???)

Guys! I am thinking of starting a new book for the upcoming CQ contest and I want you all to tell me if the name for it is good, coz I have no-one other than to ask⊙?﹏?⊙ . So I was thinking about, REBORN AS A SSS VILLAINOUS FOX?! NOW I HAVE FIVE BEAST HUSBAND TO SAVE FROM THE APOCOLYPSE.

Tell me what you think or any suggestions you want to give, I will be waiting!