Because I Cannot Hurt You

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He Lijuan poured salt over her wounds as much as she could. She thoroughly enjoyed her state.

"I thought you would have moved on, but…" she clicked her tongue. "Anyway. I am running late. As opposed to you, I am married and have a life."

Han Zongying remained standing at her spot for a long time. Her thoughts had come to a standstill.

She took a cab that took her to An Corps. Standing in front of An Guoting's office, she opened the door and stepped in.

Han Zongying saw him stressed out as he had buried his face in his hands. As he raised his head, he was shocked to see her.

"You…" he quickly got up from his seat and rushed towards her. "Why are you here?"

She stared at him for a long time. 

'You didn't trust me.'

'It was all about you.'

'I will never forgive you, Han Zongying.'

She was about to say something when An Guoting's assistant came in and said, "Sir, I didn't find anything about Mrs. An- oh... Apologies. I didn't know."

An Guoting stiffened as he had already heard the news. "It's okay...We will talk after some time."

Han Zongying froze.

"You...you are still looking for her?"

"Of course. I will never give up. You said you saw her-"

"I lied."

An Guoting stared at her. As if somebody poured cold water on him, he paled. He took a sharp breath. "You...you lied?"

She said nothing.

"I had asked you if you were lying at that time. But you said you really saw Yueqin."

No answer.

He burst into laughter, yet his eyes were crying. "Ahhhh, I am so stupid. I am really so stupid. I knew I shouldn't have believed you, but...but I couldn't help it. I was so desperate to have her back that I…Are you happy, Zongying?"

She trembled.

"Tell me. You wanted this, right? You wanted to see me suffer. See? I am suffering right now. I am crying. You won. It was all pointless. I was chasing after a ghost. You gave me hope and then snatched it away from me. You played with my feelings for her. How do you feel, Zongying? Are you finally happy now?"

"Guoting…"

"Get out."

"G-Guoting I…"

"Get out! Right now!" 

Han Zongying stared at his quivering figure. He was crying hard. He lamented his wife's absence. He was living in hope all these months, but that was gone too now. She saw the despair in his eyes. As if he had to cope up with her loss all over again.

"Han Zongying...I regret I ever met you," he stammered between broken sobs.

Her eyes were blurry, but she said nothing. She didn't know what to talk about.

Apology for not trusting him before?

It was too late for that.

Apology for forcing him that night out of her own selfishness?

It was too late for that.

Apology for forcing him to take the blame and get labeled as a rapist?

It was too late for that.

Apology for giving him hope about his dead wife and manipulating his emotions?

It was too late for that.

Apology for cursing her daughter and wishing she had never been born?

It was too late for that.

At the point in life where Han Zongying stood right now, an apology was too late for everything she had done. She had made mistakes for which a simple apology could never be enough. Nothing could compensate for the grief she caused to her love and her family.

Her whole life came flashing by her eyes in slow motion. She imagined how her life would have been if she had trusted him back then. Her life would have never gotten to this point. 

An Guoting would have still loved her. They would have gotten married. Had children whom she would have loved and lived a happy life with her family.

But her single mistake of not trusting him brought her to this point today.

Where she didn't have the liberty to say sorry any longer.

Nothing could go back to how it was. Everything was forever changed the moment she had left him.

And that's when she knew what she had to do.

A faint smile lifted her lips. There was a serene peace in her gaze. There was a sense of decision in it.

"I wish you a happy life, Guoting," she softly said.

An Guoting trembled. He didn't know why she suddenly said such a thing.

"Thank you for coming into my life."

And she left. Those were her last words for him.

It was too late in the night when she reached Han villa. She saw Han Huizhong resting on the couch, fallen asleep waiting for her.

She smiled as tears streamed down. She leaned and whispered in his ear. "I am sorry, Dad. Please forgive me. I have disappointed you. But not anymore."

Then she softly climbed the steps. She gently opened the door to Han Tian and Han Liqin's room. 

"I am sorry," she whispered to them as stood by their bedside.

She smiled, seeing the sleeping Zhiyuan on the bed between his parents.

Her gaze shifted to the crib, where she saw Zizi sleeping too. Han Zongying lowered her head and stared at her. 

A tear plopped down.

"I am really sorry…" she gasped. "So sorry...I don't deserve to be your mother."

She lifted her arms, wanting to hold her, but she stopped herself. She sadly smiled. "I don't deserve to hold you either."

Zizi shifted in her crib and opened her eyes. It met her mother's who was silently crying. A smile bloomed on Zizi's lips. "Baaaa…"

Han Zongying trembled. "Your eyes are just like him."

"Zizi...My brother and sister-in-law will keep you happy. You will never feel as if you don't have parents. They will love you just like Zhiyuan. Maybe even more than him. Your grandpa has a sharp tongue, but don't mind him, okay? He acts indifferent, but he will really love you a lot. I am sorry for leaving you. Please forgive Mama...and...the last thing I want to say is…"

She smiled. "Don't become like me. I couldn't live the life that I wanted. But I hope you do. I hope you meet a man who will love you lots and…" she choked, "lots. Love him and, more importantly, trust him. Live a happy life, and fulfill my dream that I couldn't, my Princess…"

Han Zongying turned and left.

She stood at the balcony, where cold air brushed her skin and fluttered her hair. She looked down.

"This finally ends…" she whispered.

She bade a last goodbye to everyone in her mind as she thought about them.

Han Huizhong.

Han Tian.

Han Liqin.

Zhiyuan.

Zizi.

"Guoting…"

With a smile on her lips and tears in her eyes, Han Zongying jumped off.