Because I Cannot Hurt You

But before Xinyi could completely vanish from his sight, Zhiyuan grabbed her wrist and pulled her back. 

"I won't let you run away, Xinyi."

She was so terrified that she could hardly meet his gaze. At this moment, she wanted nothing else but to disappear.

"Let go!" She held his hand and tried to shake it off.

"Why should I let you go?" 

Xinyi gritted her teeth and glared at him with her misty eyes. "W-who said that you can read my diary? It is my personal diary! Nobody is supposed to read it, not even you!"

"Then would you have told me anything?" He asked.

Xinyi had nothing to retort to that.

"You were so stubborn in hiding everything that I had no choice. You opted for an abortion three years back and do you think that I am not supposed to know what forced you to take this big step? You won't even kill a mosquito, let alone your own flesh and blood. Of course, I wanted to know what went wrong."

Xinyi forced her hand away. "Even so, you had no right to peek into my private diary! How could you?"

He grabbed her shoulders and shook her hard. "Then how would I have known that you loved me all these years? That I…" he clenched his jaw, "I hurt your feelings that night three years ago."

She froze and turned pale.

"You bore everything alone on your own and told me nothing!" He pursed his lips. "You can hardly blame me for reading your diary. How long were you going to torture yourself like this?"

Zhiyuan held her hands. "Xinyi...I cannot even say sorry to you. For the blunder I did, saying sorry would be insulting you. I am ashamed of myself…" a tear slid down his cheek. "You... you should have told me about it. Why did you have to keep everything to yourself?"

"This is exactly why!" Xinyi burst into tears. "I didn't tell you because I couldn't hurt you. You would have blamed yourself and I know...I know you didn't do it on purpose. You didn't mean to hurt me, but you would have always cursed yourself! I couldn't imagine seeing you so heartbroken again. A-and more than anything, I am to be blamed for everything."

Zhiyuan looked at her startled. "Huh? Are you crazy? Why would it be your fault?"

"Because I didn't stand by your side as your wife. I was always so scared of you rejecting me. I am nothing but a coward…" she gasped and wiped her tears but they kept falling, "I couldn't confess my feelings for you even when we got married. I was supposed to make you forget Caihong. This time, I should have been more courageous and taken a step forward, but I couldn't do it. I was afraid and afraid and in the end, I could only decide to stay beside you just as your friend. I couldn't help you move on at all."

"When that incident happened, I laughed at myself because I brought this upon myself. Maybe you would have seen me in a different way had I expressed my feelings. Maybe it would have been easier for you to move forward if I had supported you with my love, not just friendship. I married the man I love, yet I couldn't do what Grandpa wanted me to do."

Zhiyuan stared at her wide-eyed. "Xinyi, how can you say that? I am at fault here. Even though I married you, I couldn't forget Caihong and I hurt you. It was after you got pregnant that I knew I had to leave the past behind. It still won't erase the fact that I hurt you in the initial years."

Xinyi sadly chuckled. "No, Zhiyuan. I didn't feel bad because I know how tough it is. It is not easy to forget your love and move on just like that. If it had been that way, I would have given up on you long back and left you. Just look at how foolish I am. In college, you and Caihong were together, but I couldn't steel myself to forget you.

Life would have been so easier if I could have just pressed the delete button and poof! My feelings for you would have disappeared. But it doesn't work like that...The truth was right in front of my eyes. I saw how happy you were with Caihong," she smiled as her gaze was blurry, "But I couldn't stop, Zhiyuan. Even after our marriage, you were devastated by her loss, yet I still held onto my feelings. That incident happened and I still couldn't leave you because I…"

Her wet eyelashes trembled. "How much I loved you is how much you loved Caihong. I knew what I was getting into when I married you. But you wouldn't have understood all this. I could never hate you because somewhere or the other, I knew I lacked the resolve myself. That's why I chose to remain silent. 

You can choose to remain stubborn if you want to think that you are the only bad one in this marriage. But it won't change the fact I couldn't communicate my feelings to you. See? Even now you want to talk about everything that happened, but I still wanted to run away. I-I just can't face it."

Xinyi bit her lip hard and clutched her dress hard in her fist.

Zhiyuan wanted to reject her claims that she was mistaken anywhere in whatever happened but seeing her fierce expression made him take his words back.

Once again, she threw a furious glare at him. "I will never forgive you for reading my diary!"

Zhiyuan cleared his throat.

As expected, she was so mad by him reading her diary that if he opposed her any more, she would simply explode.

To Xinyi, it felt as if she was standing naked in front of him. All her thoughts and emotions that she never wanted to come to light were lying bare and exposed in front of him.